New love interest walked out on kids

[Helpinghands23]

Hello,

I am in the early stages (few months) of getting to know a man who seems lovely. Kind caring and we share the same hobbies. Thinking it could be official and lead to something serious.

Anyway he has been very open and honest about the fact his ex was occasionally violent to him and controlling and emotionally abusive. He also recently told me that she was jealous of the fact he had three young children when they met and she told him it was them or her. He chose her and hasn’t seen his children for three years.

I know this sounds like the usual my ex was a psycho and I said that to him and he showed me a load of messages going back over a few years of her being abusive and demanding he never see them and him agreeing even though he had told her in the messages her behaviour was not ok.

He is unsure whether to now try and get in contact again or whether than would be too unsettling for the children. And knows he would have a real fight with their mum who is obviously disgusted with his behaviour.

Wise ladies of mumsnet. Should I run away from this one?

If it wasn’t for this I would think he was a really great guy.

thank you.

We met through a mutual hobby. Just got friendly over a period of time. Then started dating. I wouldn’t say we are in an official relationship but we have been talking about it and that’s when he said he needed to be honest and told me about leaving his children etc.

Also as I've said is he making the efforts to reach out to their mother looking at court ect because if he is that would tell me he is seriously regretting his decision and want to make amends.

Do you not believe it the numerous times it's been clarified that he hasn't made these efforts? Do you think people - including the OP - are lying about that?
Why are you so desperate to defend his actions in not attempting to regain a relationship with his children?

@CyanFawn there's a chance OP could be missing out on an amazing relationship??? With a man who has turned his back on his 3 small children for the last 3 years? For a woman he knew for 9 months? Are you having a laugh? 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 I'd like to think any woman's standards are higher than this lowlife.

OP has already said he's not done anything to try and contact his children since he and his abusive ex broke up. Yet he's got all the time to nurture his new sexual relationship... he is scum, plain and simple. And I hope his ex wife and children all see that as well.

I would literally need to be put in a grave before I abandon my child, and any decent, loving, committed parent would feel the same.

I'd be gone
I couldn't respect a man who picks a woman over his babies.

Your bar seems very low, and you are encouraging OP to ignore red flags. This is obviously ringing alarm bells to the OP as she has posted here in the first place.

Seems like you’d be vulnerable to abuse yourself. Up your standards.

He is unsure whether to now try and get in contact again or whether than would be too unsettling for the children. And knows he would have a real fight with their mum who is obviously disgusted with his behaviour.

This is what the op said. So if he's questioning whether to do it, that shows he is atleast thinking about it, let him make a decision atleast and if he doesn't follow through with it then yeah he's an idiot and I wouldn't pursue it but if he decided to make those steps and rebuild then he should be allowed to without judgement of strangers on the Internet with their 2 pence they've put in.

She's also said they'd been friends for a while and still wouldn't say they were in a relationship properly now he's just been honest about the situation with his children...again more than most would.

@CyanFawn
Before this last relationship he sounds like he was a good dad
I’m genuinely curious how you have formed this impression from the OP’s posts. She has made no mention whatsoever of what kind of parent he was when living with his kids, and only that he approximately saw them every other week and holidays when he left. It’s interesting that just being present in his children’s lives might be enough to constitute a “good dad."

.

And knows he would have a real fight with their mum who is obviously disgusted with his behaviour.

Well without trying then he doesn’t actually know that and OP only has his word for it. But his ex wife would be perfectly justified on her disgust. It’s on HIM to reach out and make things right rather than jump straight into another warm bed.

He freely chose a woman he’s known a few months over his children and has gone on to pursue another relationship before getting his ducks in a row and making any attempt to reach out to his ex wife regarding rebuilding his relationship with his children - if nothing else he’s shown pretty shit judgement more than once and isn’t what I’d call a father.

The ex-wife is owed just as much of an apology as the children imo, he left her to sole parent 3 young children and deal with the emotional fallout of their Dad abandoning them. I'm sure she's apoplectic with rage, she has every right to be. Instead of facing the music he's choosing to avoid the issue.

I wonder, when OP says he "pays maintenance" is this the bare minimum legal mandated amount, or even less, or is he paying as much as he can afford so that their Mum can afford to outsource some of the help he should be providing?

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 because I've said don't let a load of strangers make a decision for you...in my opinion if you let others make your decisions you're vulnerable. You're not the op and you don't live her life ffs yet you're all ready ti persuade her opinions and feeling to a narrative you have!

He was honest with her about the children and situation he would himself in most wouldn't be and that's a red flag to not be honest!!

By the way I've been in a secure stable none abusive relationship for nearly 10 years soooooo 👍🏻🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

I do my best to empathise with abuse victims, I've been in abusive relationships myself and I understand how your boundaries get pushed. I have nothing but sympathy for people who are trapped in a relationship because of financial abuse, fears of retaliation if they leave or lack of outside support.

But I draw the line when you are hurting your kids/ letting an abuser hurt your kids. Regardless of what you are going through at that point, you have to be their protector, regardless of what that takes. You don't choose a partner over your kids, no matter how scared you are.

But she’s already having alarm bells ringing and she’s come on here for outside advice from people who aren’t emotionally invested to confirm her suspicions - can’t you see that? I don’t know what’s so hilarious - grow up! As for being in a secure relationship for 10 years, none of us can judge that as we don’t know what your relationship is like, what you think is normal behaviour in a relationship might be way off the mark. Either way, it’s not about your relationship it’s about OP’s, and he is a massive red flag. Why are you encouraging her to ignore it?

Oh gosh, does your partner you've been in a secure relationship with for nearly 10 years know about your other partner of 5 years? The one you've got two young children to?

Does it get any easier or is it better to call it quits? | Mumsnet

By the way, he sounds like a peach, you lucky, lucky woman 👍🏻

Ooops, forgot the 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

She seems very immature doesn’t she? Who responds with 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 unless they’re either about 12 or very defensive? 🤔

@CyanFawn well, just as I'd thought, your standards are as low as they come as well.

Bless you @kittensinthekitchen, that's given me a good laugh 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Seem pretty forgetful as well as they can’t remember how long they’ve been in their none (sic) abusive relationship

I once worked with a girl who hadn't seen her father since she was a child. After her parents' divorce the contact lessened until one day he just didn't come back for her.
When she was 20, she wanted to reach out to him and ask him why he abandoned her. I was her therapist and she asked me to do a session with her and her dad.
The dad listened to her. She cried, she cussed him out, she raged. She threw every insult she could think of at his head. He sat there and heard her and acknowledged her pain and apologised. He made no excuses. He wasn't defensive. He blamed no one else for the pain she had gone through.
They planned a second session together.
The second time he came in with a really big box of letters. He said nothing he could ever say could repair how he failed her as a father. He didn't want to make excuses, but he did want her to know it wasn't his choice to walk out on her. Her mother kept him away, lawsuit after lawsuit. Denying him visitation. Turning the daughter against her father so she'd refuse to go with him.
He eventually gave up. Not for him, but because he saw how badly it was hurting his daughter to be caught in the middle.
That's when he started writing to her. Letters, birthday cards, christmas cards, postcards whenever he went on a trip. He bought her birthday presents each year. And he kept all of them in a box, waiting for the day he'd be able to give them to her. To show her that he'd never forgotten her, and he always wished he could be her dad again.

A father who cares, will do whatever he can to be a father, even when he can't see his children in person. If his ex was holding a gun to his head, he'd still find a way.
This guy. He's not doing a single thing. Poor children. They deserve so much better.

oh my, thanks for sharing this. This has completely moved me. Wow. 😯 😢

Scary that a woman like that was a teacher.

This looks as though hes trying to impress you, yet he hasnt shown interest in 3years+, the novelty will wear off, believe me. Those kids will be hurt further.

Choosing a woman over your kids is beyond disgusting. The whole abusive ex thing is probably bollocks too. If he cared he would have found a way to be there for his kids.

IF he was lucky enough to get partial custody, these kids will probably hate you with a passion! That is something you may want to consider also.

sounds like he is more concerned about being alone and partnerless/sexless than his own flesh and blood.

AVOID like bird crap!

I would not trust anything he says about this.

Men with a lot to hide will make a big show of admitting to one bad thing, partly to see how low your bar is, and partly to make themselves look honest and gain your trust. There will be a lot of flannel surrounding this heartfelt confession, but essentially he has now told you what kind of man he is - one who has not made any effort to see his kids for three years.

And as for the flannel. It's all quite unlikely. Not impossible, but unlikely. Unlikely that a mother of young children finds the time and energy to "cheat on" her poor lovely husband. Unlikely that his next girlfriend scared him so much he didn't see his children for three years. It's actually quite typical of abusive men to claim that they were abused. As well as playing the victim, it muddies the waters - any evidence of his own misbehaviour can be cast as reaction to the abuse he suffered. "Yes, I may have been a little rough with her, but it was in self-defence", etc. It's classic DARVO.

Now, he might be thoroughly innocent and sincere - in which case, he still doesn't sound like much of a prize, but fair enough. However, you would be very wise to keep both eyes wide open, and read up on the typical behaviours of abusive men (e.g. the classic book "Why does he do that"). I know you've finished with this man, but in case things restart or you meet another like him. I have known absolutely appalling men, truly appalling men, who I can guarantee are right now cosying up to the next unsuspecting woman and spinning her a yarn about why he doesn't see his children and how awful his exes are. They can seem extremely charming and gentle until it's too late.

Oh and being so "open and honest" with a treasure trove of bank statements and text messages to hand only makes me more suspicious. It would not be hard to doctor this kind of stuff, or to keep a little dossier of a screenshots taken out of context. The men I've referred to would be perfectly capable of that.

Has he had any therapy for any of this? To help him deal with escaping an abusive relationship, or losing his kids?

My heart breaks for those poor children.

I can only assume he is a very weak man.

How must they feel that he did such a thing? What will be the long term impact on them? Was she worth it?

This man is selfish to the hilt.

He seems the type who if you dumped him now for his actions towards his children would go back and Co tact them just to keep hold of you!

I just couldn’t respect someone who had abandoned their children