New love interest walked out on kids

[Helpinghands23]

Hello,

I am in the early stages (few months) of getting to know a man who seems lovely. Kind caring and we share the same hobbies. Thinking it could be official and lead to something serious.

Anyway he has been very open and honest about the fact his ex was occasionally violent to him and controlling and emotionally abusive. He also recently told me that she was jealous of the fact he had three young children when they met and she told him it was them or her. He chose her and hasn’t seen his children for three years.

I know this sounds like the usual my ex was a psycho and I said that to him and he showed me a load of messages going back over a few years of her being abusive and demanding he never see them and him agreeing even though he had told her in the messages her behaviour was not ok.

He is unsure whether to now try and get in contact again or whether than would be too unsettling for the children. And knows he would have a real fight with their mum who is obviously disgusted with his behaviour.

Wise ladies of mumsnet. Should I run away from this one?

If it wasn’t for this I would think he was a really great guy.

thank you.

Depending on the age of the children, they might not even want a relationship with him now.

My 'father' abandoned us (me 4, sister under 1) in a similar scenario. He tried to come back into our lives when we were young adults but there was nothing there on our side, we didn't hate him (with hindsight probably still too young to fully process his behaviour) but he was a stranger and one we had little in common with.

OP - chuck him back, there's something deeply wrong with a man that can turn his back on his own children and if he can do that to innocent little kids, his own flesh and blood, he could easily walk away from you at the drop of a hat (or someone else's knickers).

Can you clarify a few things OP.

So this father of 3 saw his children regularly.

He then got a new girlfriend who said "it's me or your 3 children"

He then stopped seeing his 3 children and chose the girlfriend!

Do not get involved in this decision. Whether he resumes contact or not needs to have nothing to do with who he is with at the time. He has already left his children for one woman; don't make the decision about whether he is going to parent for him.

OP, you have children.

If some bloke you were shagging told you 'It's them or me' and threatened to dump you if you didn't abandon your children would you drop them off at their father's and walk away, never to have contact with them again? Would you pick the new relationship over your own children?

Because that is effectively what this prick did. And he can make all the excuses and crocodile tears that he likes - that he was abused - but decent human beings know that this is bollocks.

He has shown who he is. Scum.

Sounds like they have all been through a tough time.
I would really encourage him to reach out to his ex wife and children. Whilst it may take a lot of time and counselling, there is a chance he can rebuild his relationship with his children.
Abusive relationships are appalling to go through (been there, got the t-shirt) and I think even tougher when you are a male on the receiving end of abuse from a female. Clearly some responders on here have never experienced an abusive relationship - it completely messes with your mind and reality.
He has been incredibly brave to escape his abuser and in being honest with you about what he has done.
It may not be the right time for you to be in a relationship with him but you could still be a supportive friend.

He made his choices

This isn't a case of someone who ends up in an abusive relationship like a frog in a pot of boiling water who over time is coerced and controlled and separated from their children.

He knew this was her stance when he got with her and decided to abandon three children that needed their dad to be with her.

RUNNNNN

I would runaway so quickly. I don't even care about the reasons.

I think you already know the answer. A "lovely, kind, caring" man doesn’t walk out on three small children.

I think he saw them every other weekend, extra in holidays. Stuff like that. Phone calls in the week etc.
Started a relationship with a new partner and all was well to begin with and he was in love with her and then he said she started getting more and more difficult when he saw the children and got gradually more abusive and then gave him the ultimatum. I don’t think the ultimatum was at the immediate start if you see what I mean.

but yes when she made him chose he then stopped seeing them.

Just awful, I feel so sorry for the kids. The sense of abandonment must have been horrific. Did he still pay maintenance at least?

Personally I couldn’t respect someone who did something so awful but it has to be your decision. I do think the “the kids are better off without me” excuse is a cop out because he doesn’t want to face what he did to them. I think at the very least I’d be saying that he has to apologise, at least try to rebuild things with them (and keep trying), and pay proper maintenance.

OP I think it's understandable that you wanted to see the best in him. You have seen the side of him that is caring, kind and loving and it is hard for you to square that with what he has done. This kind of cognitive dissonance is hard, especially when you have feelings for someone. But in the cold light of day he stone-cold shut out his three children of (roughly) 5, 6 and 10 and he did it for his penis. He was in one of their lives for ten years!! I mean, holy fucking shit, there is not really a way to spin it that he is a good man.

And while I do have some sympathy for you, this:

He is unsure whether to now try and get in contact again or whether than would be too unsettling for the children.

is bollocks.

Wow!

I guess if the divorce was not his choice he might have been in an emotionally vulnerable state and probably desperate for a new gf. Then he came across someone abusive.

He obvs made a massive error. If I were him I'd try to make amends to my children. The worry is it'll become a pattern of turning up then disappear. If this is the first time I would encourage him to reconnect.

I wouldn't be in a relationship with him though!!!!

Friends of my parents, had same decades ago.
The new love interest, a reception teacher, said - don’t want kids, not your 2 from previous relationship, nor our own. The kids were 8& 9. Their bio mum, had 2 yrs earlier, left the country and kids could not easily go where she decided to “build a new life”.
The kids were offered around, the man’s brother, with own 4 kids was going to take them, but “new love” preferred they went to older aunt and uncle so they would not be near the same town. They moved very far away. The man, had close loving relationships with his nephews in town, but not kids.

I know the children as adults. The REJECTION they suffered deeply impacted them and the adults they became. Neither has kids of their own, which I think is due to the deep emotional scars.
They both have good jobs, and married, but knowing them thru teen years, young adulthood, their pain was palpable.

Decades later, I still have such deep hatred for the “new love” - we used to spend time in their “perfectly white” decorated child free house … the white carpet, white sofa, her stupid fancy white things. Her excuse was - I’m with kids all day at Reception, I just couldn’t have kids at night too. I despise the dad too.

Anyone who can knowingly reject their own children … can & probably will do it again.

I’ve only read your posts OP. Yes he should absolutely try to rekindle a relationship with his children. From their point of view he “abandoned” them, which translates to doesn’t love them. He should be fighting tooth and nail to be back in their lives again and make up for past mistakes.

Whether you’re along for that ride is up to you.

No good person ever and I mean everything walk's away from their children.

It is unfortunate he was in an abusive relationship. But so you honestly believe any decent parents would ever give up their relationship with their children.

Run, run fast run far

Run..this is far too complicated....

Run. Run for the hills.
A man who instantly dumps his children at the demand of some new woman, is a man that was waiting for an excuse to check out of the parent game.
Imagine you and he got married, had kids, it didn’t work out-now you’re left with potentially multiple fatherless children.

but yes when she made him chose he then stopped seeing them.

She didn’t ’make him choose’ - he made that choice.

And if he was genuine about rekindling his relationship with his children, that should have been his priority before chasing the next woman.

I would never entertain a man who walked out on his kids. End of

You are minimising it. I am a near 50 year old adult parental abandonment leaves lifetime damage and is intergenerational, do you think his grandchildren won't want to know why he abandoned their patent ?

What is absolutely hilarious he managed to find you have a relationship but yet no time to contact and fix his fuck up. Yep 👍

What an awful man, walking out on his poor children for a woman. It's up to you OP, but I'm shocked that you'd even consider being with this man.

OP, he wasn't trapped by financial dependence or fear that any children would have unsupervised access with an abuser or ill health. He had a choice and he decided that his relationship with her was more important than contact with his own young children. There are no excuses possible for that choice.

I don't understand why you even need to ask the question. How low are your standards? Of course you dump him. He dumped his children, he is a piece of shit.

Shocking behaviour from him.

His poor children.

No idea if you've got children OP but imagine doing that to your children !

I'd judge her the exact same, possibly harsher, because I'm a mother and would walk through fire for her, as any parent should. I'm married, but I've been in abusive relationships in the past, and the moment anyone suggested I had to choose between them and my child, I'd choose so fast their head would spin.