New love interest walked out on kids

[Helpinghands23]

Hello,

I am in the early stages (few months) of getting to know a man who seems lovely. Kind caring and we share the same hobbies. Thinking it could be official and lead to something serious.

Anyway he has been very open and honest about the fact his ex was occasionally violent to him and controlling and emotionally abusive. He also recently told me that she was jealous of the fact he had three young children when they met and she told him it was them or her. He chose her and hasn’t seen his children for three years.

I know this sounds like the usual my ex was a psycho and I said that to him and he showed me a load of messages going back over a few years of her being abusive and demanding he never see them and him agreeing even though he had told her in the messages her behaviour was not ok.

He is unsure whether to now try and get in contact again or whether than would be too unsettling for the children. And knows he would have a real fight with their mum who is obviously disgusted with his behaviour.

Wise ladies of mumsnet. Should I run away from this one?

If it wasn’t for this I would think he was a really great guy.

thank you.

He’s not a great guy. Not at all. Run.

I’ve posted here already but honestly I’m so disgusted by this guy. His children are 13, 9 and 6 now. He turned his back on his own DCs when they were 3, 6 and 10 because his new GF was more important.

Who does that? He was not terrorised into submission by an abusive ex. He wasn’t an SAHP to tiny DCs with no independence and no income. He’s left now without suffering harm. And he’s still making excuses for not seeing his kids.

The guy’s awful.

Run

Run

Just to be clear, he didn't lose his kids... he walked out on his kids. Massive difference

A great guy would never have chosen a woman over his DC and in my very personal experience, the DC would not want any further contact with him
He is not the man he appears to be

Ah misread, the previous ex was the Mother of DC... but my reply is the same.

He sounds dim. Don't waste your time, not worth it.

You really don’t understand domestic abuse do you.

shocked at the amount of posters here who are blaming this man for being an abuse victim, and pulling out all the old tropes of he could have just left etc.

people, men or women, aren’t weak and cowardly for being victims of DV. It has nothing to do with whether you have tiny kids or are independent.

whatever this man has done wrt his kids is a different issue. But stop minimising DV and making excuses for it.

More red flags than in a communist party.

But you don’t even know him, so how can you possibly jump to this conclusion?! Baffling, truly.

2 different women.

ok let’s not believe anyone who says they are in a dv relationship.

no wonder prosecution rates are so low. Who would risk getting someone like you on a jury who believes victims are all lying.

people like you really need to meet some abuse victims and hear their stories.

what would it take to convince you someone is a dv victim? Does it have to be physical bruises? Do you understand emotional abuse? Financial abuse?

such ignorance.

this thread show is exactly why DV victims don’t report it, and fear they won’t be believed. It’s shocking.

Exactly this. And the level of shaming that’s going on (to a complete stranger) is shocking. I feel like our society is completely devoid of any empathy.

Read your title and have a think

I’m curious about what is being labelled as “abuse”. It sounds like his ex was insecure about his lack of attention and demanded more from him. He abandoned his children to prove he prioritised her. It’s awful on both sides and demonstrates insecurity, lack of boundaries, emotional immaturity, but not, on its own, abuse? Does he explain other ways in which she was abusive?

No decent father/man would put a woman before his kids.

I would also assume the 'psycho ex' story is a lot of crap and he is the one with issues...

@RichTea90 Genuine question. Would you walk out on your children? If you made twice the national average salary, had only been with your abusive partner 9 months and they demanded that you do so?

Would that situation compel you to abandon your 3 small children?

No, I would not walk out on my children. However, I have experienced an emotionally abusive relationship in the past, and it really does alter your perception of reality and it can really isolate you. I am not excusing his behaviour, but poor mental health and abuse are not to be taken lightly.

I dated a man whose wife left him for a younger man and left him to bring up their 3 young daughters on his own. The kids were 12, 10 and 7. They’re now adults.

He told me she was an alcoholic who had several affairs before this guy and I admit that him being such a hands on dad was one of biggest attractions.

However it took me less than a year to realise he was a compulsive liar, he cheated on me twice which I only found out about after the relationship ended and he was a gaslighting control freak. I walked away pretty quickly but although I can’t ever justify his ex leaving 3 young children, I’d love to hear her side of the story now

I don’t think anyone can say until they’ve been in that situation.

we’d all like to think we’d never do x y and z.

parents end their lives and leave their children. People become alcoholic and leave their children. Depression, mental illness, abuse.

I would like to say I’ll never be in any of those situations. I’d never leave my kids for any circumstance.

but a twist in brain chemistry and it could be me.

i’ve just found out my mil was abused by her husband for years. You’d never have known. It was only when he died she broke down because she was finally free.

These things do happen, yes. But OP has children of her own and it would be inadvisable for her to embark on a relationship with a man who has three of his own yet doesn't see them because he felt compelled to abandon them, for whatever reason.

If you have children your priority if and when adding another adult to their lives, is to ensure that the relationship is healthy and a good role model.

I don't think that this man is that. OP should prioritise her children, not be considering getting serious with someone who will drag them into his next shitstorm.

You actually have to get other people’s opinion on this??