New love interest walked out on kids

[Helpinghands23]

Hello,

I am in the early stages (few months) of getting to know a man who seems lovely. Kind caring and we share the same hobbies. Thinking it could be official and lead to something serious.

Anyway he has been very open and honest about the fact his ex was occasionally violent to him and controlling and emotionally abusive. He also recently told me that she was jealous of the fact he had three young children when they met and she told him it was them or her. He chose her and hasn’t seen his children for three years.

I know this sounds like the usual my ex was a psycho and I said that to him and he showed me a load of messages going back over a few years of her being abusive and demanding he never see them and him agreeing even though he had told her in the messages her behaviour was not ok.

He is unsure whether to now try and get in contact again or whether than would be too unsettling for the children. And knows he would have a real fight with their mum who is obviously disgusted with his behaviour.

Wise ladies of mumsnet. Should I run away from this one?

If it wasn’t for this I would think he was a really great guy.

thank you.

Run

🤯🤯🤯 I cannot believe you even had to ponder this OP. The man is scum. Those poor children.

He, on the word of a new and ‘psycho’ (I cannot roll my eyes high enough) girlfriend abandoned his three young children.

Jesus fucking Christ.

I would hope he is making tentative, slow, steps to start contact up again. But that is on him. Not your problem. Dont see him again op, he’s weak and a terrible parent.

I think someone who can abandon their kids has a fundamental massive flaw in the character that is incurable, and makes them someone I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with.

Regarding him trying to contact his kids now - how old were they when he cut them off, and how old are they now?

I think the children are now something like 13, 9 and 8

Seems lovely but chooses a partner over his kids? Wow, I think something is very wrong with your judgement, frankly. How can you think a man who does this is lovely?

How long since he saw them?

Don't ignore this ENORMOUS red flag!

He is NOT a good person.

you don’t choose an abusive relationship ffs.

do you ask abused women why they “just don’t leave”? Tell them it’s their own fault when they go back again and again? Tell women who’ve had their kids removed because they’re in an abusive relationship it’s their choice so they deserve it?

DV is an utter shit show and is almost impossible to get out of even with every support system in place.

do some work experience with DV victims. We spend years getting women out of these situations. Often for them to go straight back. Men it’s often worse as it’s even more hidden.

How would you feel if it were your your own children who were treated this way? In the long term, even if you don't plan to have any more children - what IF you did end up pregnant? Would he do the same to you?

A man who chose his partner over his children? Let me tell you, from a child whose father often left (in mind if not body), he is not a good man. He is a weak man.

He is not a 'bad' man so to speak. He is however a coward and a weak man. It's up to you whether you can handle a weak coward.

He can work out what to do for himself. Perhaps by ending your relationship and telling him why you will help to focus his mind on what really matters.

Of course he should try to contact his kids, but he needs to réalisé that, and do it via their mother, who will be the one to pick up the mess again if it unsettles them. He should be messaging her, acknowledging the hurt he has caused and begging for the opportunity to write to each one age appropriately. He should be asking her if she can allow him to show her that he is genuine about wanting to be there for them for the next forty or fifty years and realizing that he has a lifetime ahead to prioritize their needs, and to show them that he understands how wrong he was in what he did.

I would run and fast. What type of man walks away from his children for a woman. Just because she's jealous, he chose her. He's selfish. If you have children with him in the future, he'd do the same thing. Run!!!!

Fuck this guy. My dad stopped seeing us as toddlers because his new girlfriend didn’t like it, both my siblings and I grew up with awful mental health issues from being abandoned. Not a chance in hell I would even consider giving a “man” like this the time of day.

If his ex is really controlling like he says then there’s a chance he chose a partner because every time he gets a partner his ex threatens to stop contact with his kids if he pursues a relationship so he decided not to give her that power, BUT even if that was the case he should have been fighting tooth and nail through the courts, not leaving it three years doing nothing.

Run like the wind.

This nails it.

He needs to set himself up with a good psychologist and sort through his issues including contacting the kids.

His life is not in a state that I’d want to take on a relationship with him at this time.

If he is genuine let him show you by his actions. Take a break from the relationship. Give him some time to properly work on the issues he has to make right and then see where you get to.

If he runs off to a new woman and/or doesn’t follow through with making things right with his kids and ex wife then you’ll see his character. If he works hard at counseling and on improving connection with his kids then you can consider whether he’s reflected, learned and grown.

Can I just play devil's advocate a minute.

If it was the other way round and a woman didn't see her kids but paid maintenance because her controlling abusive new boyfriend said he didn't want her to see them would there still be the same leave her, she's no good ect OR would it be poor woman she must of really been abused/scared to do as he says and not see her kids?!?

I think there's a lot of man bashing on here (seems the trend nevermind mumsnet I think it should be man bashing).

It would be his actions now for me, is he reaching out to the mother of his children, looking for a solicitor ect because if that's the case maybe...just maybe he was actually in an abusive relationship because you know women can abuse men too, and now he's out of it he had the confidence to go back for contact ect. He actually pays maintenance for one and that's more than most absent fathers.

No, run! No decent parent would choose a new man/woman over their own children. A best he was a coward and selfish, and at worst, well, everyone else has already posted that.

I always find it so inspiring the number of people (usually men) who can be so traumatised by not seeing their children, that they manage to find the strength and bravery to navigate a new relationship.

Bravo

I call absolute bs on his part. If you love your children nothing will stop you seeing them. Women that are severely abused flee to refugees all the time to keep thier kids safe and stay with the kids. If nothing else this man is a coward , weak and flaky. If he cnt fight to see his kids he will not fight for you. Run for the hills

At best, this is a man who was in an abusive relationship, as a result behaved really poorly and now needs to work through the decisions he made as a result. He is emotionally damaged and not ready for a relationship - the showing you endless messages etc to get your sympathy without actually being ready to think about making amends is a huge red flag, even if everything he says is true.

More likely is the worse- or worst-case scenarios in which he's spinning you a line / happily abandoned his chidren and is just telling you what you want to hear.

I'm fascinated also by his claims of maintenance. I best it's the bare minimum? I mean, surely that's the first way he could make amends - contact his children's mother and ask if they need anything?

Throw this one back. There's no good outcome here.