New love interest walked out on kids

[Helpinghands23]

Hello,

I am in the early stages (few months) of getting to know a man who seems lovely. Kind caring and we share the same hobbies. Thinking it could be official and lead to something serious.

Anyway he has been very open and honest about the fact his ex was occasionally violent to him and controlling and emotionally abusive. He also recently told me that she was jealous of the fact he had three young children when they met and she told him it was them or her. He chose her and hasn’t seen his children for three years.

I know this sounds like the usual my ex was a psycho and I said that to him and he showed me a load of messages going back over a few years of her being abusive and demanding he never see them and him agreeing even though he had told her in the messages her behaviour was not ok.

He is unsure whether to now try and get in contact again or whether than would be too unsettling for the children. And knows he would have a real fight with their mum who is obviously disgusted with his behaviour.

Wise ladies of mumsnet. Should I run away from this one?

If it wasn’t for this I would think he was a really great guy.

thank you.

No no no. What a disgusting human.

He has found time to find another shag ( you), instead of doing whatever he can to reconnect with the kids.

I don't believe his shit for one minute. Come on. This guy is despicable and someone who takes no responsibility is a scary prospect in general. Please find a better man

Yep. So traumatised by making shitty choices that the only way forward is by chasing their next shag.

And yet women continue to make excuses for these low lives and willingly invite them into their beds

Nah, he is not worth it! He is just making excuses as to why he abandoned his kids! Delete!

OP ITO being in a relationship with this man then I guess do whatever your moral compass allows. You clearly don't find it that icky that he abandoned 3 innocent dependents who he chose to create or you wouldn't even need to be on here questioning it.

I would say though take any idea of having children with him completely off the table. He's shown you very clearly what kind of a man he is and what kind of a parent he is. Don't be foolish enough to believe that it would be any different for you. An abandoned child will suffer trauma no matter how great a mum you are. It's simply not fair to create a life knowing that this will be the likely outcome.

but am I being really stupid to think he might have a point that trying to get contact after this amount of time might be more unsettling for the children?

Yes. They're still children. It's never too late. Don't be a mug.

This is exactly what I just thought. If he has left the abusive relationship he should be putting in all efforts to re-start the relationship with his kids, not worry about finding another girlfriend.

He certainly sounds like hard work potentially. Perhaps you love him so much that he seems worth it? If so, could you just continue seeing him as a boyfriend and do nothing that might create shared commitments, eg letting your own children get fond of him or having children together or sharing a home?

He is not a great guy. Throw him back.

Prioritised his girlfriend over his kids.
Hates himself for his choices.
Yet when single prioritises finding a girlfriend rather than rebuilding the relationship with his ex and his children.

He is either spinning you a yarn (not unusual) or he’s not ready to date and should be focusing on himself.

It baffles me how so many fathers take no interest in the kids they chose to have (and three during a marriage is a choice). I hope he is at least paying maintenance voluntarily and reassessing with every payrise/bonus.

Why does he say his marriage failed?
What does his counsellor suggest (I assume he is having counselling)?

Nope - I wouldn’t have a pint with him never mind share a bed with him.

Read OPs post before commenting. You are way off.

I understand that being in an abusive relationship affects people's choices, and makes them do things they otherwise wouldn't do. And I agree that there would be more sympathy given if this was a woman who allowed her kids to be taken into care because she carried on seeing an abusive man (which happens quite a lot).

But I still think this represents a significant character flaw that I would not want to be involved with. I would rather die than never be able to see my kids, and I think that is a natural way for a parent to feel. Anyone who didn't feel that would be wired wrongly, and not someone I'd want to get close to.

Very unattractive man.

He chose his gf over his dcs.

Unbelievable.

Why is he even attractive to you?

I'd run. His priority was his new girlfriend and not his kids who depended on him.

What an absolute waste of space.

Also, ITO whether he should try and get back in touch with his kids absolutely he should if he genuinely commits to being the consistent and loving presence in their life that a father should be. I'm not sure I'd be trying to force contact but if it was legitimately the psycho-ex stopping him from seeing the kids then the first thing I would be doing when I'd escaped this relationship would be trying to repair the damage. I'd be literally grovelling to the kids and their mum and begging for some sort of contact arrangement. I would have done this before finding another woman to shag tbh. I wouldn't set any ultimatums of this sort though OP because the motivation needs to come from him. I'd just be telling him he needs to focus 100% on rebuilding this relationship with his kids before trying to find a new partner and leave him to it.

I wouldn't go out with someone who was jealous of my kids so it shouldn't have progressed beyond that point.

Throw him back. His life is a mess and he needs to go and try to fix it, not be getting into another relationship. Of course he should try and build back up contact with his kids, he is their dad - but only if he can be consistent and put them first. That is what he should be putting all his time and effort into, not having a relationship with you. Inconsistency is what is unsettling for children, he needs to start proving himself to them asap to try and undo some of the damage he has done.

I can’t believe you would even need to ask this OP, of course he is not a great guy and you should run for the hills.
He abandoned his children for a woman!! I don’t care how abusive she was, any decent person would die for their children.

The ex probably was emotionally and physically abusive.

It can be incredibly difficult leaving an abusive relationship, especially when the abuser is female.

But she wouldn’t have been abusive in the beginning.
He chose to leave his kids and be with her.

She was likely to be quite manipulative and I don’t think it’s as black and white as being with a non abusive person but the facts are facts that he chose a relationship over his own kids.

I would judge a woman staying in an abusive relationship in the same way.
Yes it’s not black and white but your kids should always come first.

This isn’t a man that I would want to be with.

I have been friends with adult women who are the product of the situation you're in. All of them talk highly of their fathers. They had a great childhood and loving relationship with their fathers and learnt of their half siblings once they were old enough.

Their half siblings all chose to stay no contact with their fathers. So all the first marriage's children have no relationship with their dad.

Do you know who these adult women blame?

The children who are no contact.

These men stay off the hook forever. If the relationship with mum goes sour, it's too much energy, they send a pay check and have no intention of igniting the relationship with their children.

But the children of their 3rd and even 4th marriages, idolize their dad and see all the fault being the children and the mum poisoning them against their wonderful dad.

If what he's saying is true and he felt backed into a corner and made a poor decision...why is he spending his time and energy getting into another relationship, when it should be going into getting his kids back. Assuming he's on the birth certificates and their biological father, he has rights and if he wanted to make it happen he would.
If you ignored the red flags, it would nip at you the whole relationship and you would doubt him all the time. That's not a foundation for a healthy relationship, no matter how much you like him.

Don't be his saviour, his muse to get his shit together. If he can't do it himself, he's not worth it.
Don't get into this any further.

What are the timelines here? He sounds like he jumps from woman to woman. I couldn’t get over him abandoning his kids no matter what the reason was. As soon as she said ‘don’t see your kids’ he should have been off.

This is so sad, he chose a woman over his own kids?

I’d be telling him to get a grip, get in touch with his kids, be a decent father and stop being a wet blanket. Then I’d run a mile.

No he does not have a point. Go to court. Get contact, be a loving caring father in their life. End of. There is no other action a good dad could take.

IMO he should definitely try to have respectful contact with his children. They may need a very long time to come round to the idea though. You should run a mile.

You're focusing on the wrong thing, OP. His relationship with his children - or lackthereof - is absolutely none of your business and it's not your place to 'fix' anything. Your sole question should be, is a man who ran out on his children good enough for me?

When you're a parent, children always come first. He chose a new girlfriend over his children. The alleged abuse is a red herring. He consistently put his children last and now he's trying to continue to get out of his responsibilties by feeding you a ridiculous line about it being 'too disruptive' to see his children now. Don't fall for this complete and utter bullshit. Dump him and move on. Leave him to sort out his own messes.