Does it get any easier or is it better to call it quits?

[CyanFawn]

My partner and I have been together nearly 5 years, we have a 2 year old and a 12 week old together there's also my 13 and 15 year old from previous relationships.

We broke up last year and as soon as he left he was straight on Facebook adding other women he worked with, following pages of like only fans women ect. A lot happened during this time argument wide (we split as he took a loan out in both out names somehow and I never knew until I saw a letter, when asked what he'd spent the money on he never was really forthcoming.)

We decided to try again as my 2 children missed him and he missed our 2 year old and apparently me. Everything was going well as we tried to rebuild and get over things. My partners friends girlfriend was acting really strange though, she'd try calling him and texting him constantly throughout the day and night, I eventually had enough of this and decided to message her and tell her to back off asking what her problem was and why she was alway there on his phone.

She replied they were friends but also told me on the day I'd kicked my partner out he'd gone to the air b and b she and his friend had hired as she lives long distance from his friend. Anyway she said they'd all been drinking and smoking weed and went for a walk and saw some other random girl and invited her back aswell. This is where she told me that my partner had kissed this other girl but then the girl was more interested in her boyfriend so she then kissed my partner, she said he picked her up so her legs were wrapped round his waist and his hands were on her back and they kissed for a few seconds then my partner put her down, he confirmed this and said he put her down as he realised he was wrong and didn't want to do anything with this girl and realised he wanted me. He then said they sat talking the rest of the night about his feelings for me, whereas she said they basically did everything apart from have sex and I don't know the truth, he said his friend could confirm nothing else happened and he left early hours, but his friend got sent to prison but before getting sent down told his ex who he was trying to get back with that he woke and found my partner and his then girlfriend on the sofa and she had no knickers on, my partner said he was at the hospital as he'd tried to commit suicide but won't get hospital records to confirm this and I haven't been able to speak to his friend since he was released.

This has completely crushed me to the point even writing it again has made me feel physically sick. We have since had out 12 week old but at times when he touches me, or after sex I have this niggling feeling of what happened and has he told me the truth, he said hed written me a confession but deleted it on Facebook messenger (he had deleted a message from the morning after that night). He said he lied because he wanted to come home and he wanted me back but it's always there, if he lied about that did he lie about what actually happened. He'd also messaged a girl he worked with straight away aswell about meeting up and I saw messages he'd sent the same mate from above about how he wouldn't be able to handle himself when he touched her, I'd already asked about this woman ad they'd spend a weird amount of time at work and magically when she was on shift too he would be late from work but when she wasn't he was always back early.

I just don't know what to do/think anymore and he gets grumpy if I'm in a mood but it's because I'm thinking about what he did and it kills me.

Perhaps your DP should be in prison too for committing fraud? His life is all very dramatic, clearly he lies a lot to get what he wants and has no qualms about it. I would not trust a word he says.
In amongst all this, somehow another baby was a good idea? You don't make life easy for yourself.

Step outside this mess you are in.
Step outside because if you are mature enough to have your older children and raised them, you know a bit about life.
Stop inflicting this “man” on your children. Step outside and smell the coffee. Wake up!

I'm sorry you are going through this, OP. But if he cared at all, when you kicked him out, the first thing to do would be to go somewhere (parents/other relative or close friend) house licking his wounds and begging for your forgiveness and doing things to show you he's sorry and deserves another chance... not adding other women and following OF girls on socials. He should have been focused on trying to fix your relationship, but instead, his priorities were on other women.

Please walk away from this. I feel you would only be teaching your children that lying, cheating and deception is acceptable in a relationship 😔

I think you know deep down that her account of what happened is far closer to the truth. He told you a version he thought would be the most palatable for you to hear.

I don’t think there is anything more between them. The messages between them were probably damage control on his part. Trying to keep her ‘sweet’ so that she didn’t tell you what he had done.

The problem is, unless he is completely honest with you, you’ll never be able to completely trust him. Any trust you do build now will be on rocky foundations and no matter how big you build, you will always feel that wobble.

The fact that he immediately went to adding women on FB, only fans etc… speaks volumes. This wasn’t something that just happened, he went looking for it.

You say he gets grumpy if you are in a mood. That is so unfair and controlling, you need to be able to feel and express your emotions without worrying that it will anger your partner. He can sense you are upset and rather than trying to talk to you about it he acts the victim to shut down any valid criticism that might be coming his way. Suppressing your feelings to keep the peace will have devastating consequences in the long run. Deep seated resentment will grow between you and will manifest in unhealthy ways. You’ll argue with him over little insignificant things then blame yourself for always nitpicking and nagging him.

I’m not sure if your relationship is salvageable tbh - there is just so much deceit. You have children together so you are always going to be in each other’s lives. It is fair better to try and make an amicable split now so that you can concentrate your efforts on building a healthy co-parenting relationship for your children’s sake and your own happiness.

I really feel for you. This would be tough to deal with at any time but having a 12 week old to care for; all the post-natal hormone surges, your body still recovering from the labour - my gosh, that is a lot! If you have any kind of other support network (family, friends, etc…) lean on them to help you through this.

To answer your question, does it get any better or do we call it quits.... your first 3 years were your best, so it won't get better than them. With a strong marriage/relationship you can work through tough times, this to me doesn't sound like your situation.. so my vote would be call out quits and move on.

Only fans
Fraud
Constant messaging with another woman
Smoking weed
A woman with no knickers on
Friends who are in prison/just got out

There is a theme here of dishonesty and other women plus a peer group who may be less than desirable. Not a keeper IMO

He sounds vile. The loan fraud would be enough for me, without the other stuff. But please stop having children and do some work on yourself. Get some counselling to work through why you've made these decisions. You now have 4 kids from 3 men, and were very silly having another one with this man.

Just for clarification I have 4 children yes with 2 different people, I was single for 10 years and brought my oldest 2 up alone before meeting my now partner, we then had a 2 year old and a 12 week old, my 12 week old I didn't know I was pregnant until 32 weeks as I had something call aph in pregnancy so I had no symptoms and still had bleeding throughout that was like a period. Was also on contraception also was sterilisted after having my baby @Billyballyboo so not very silly at all, just caught and I wouldn't change my baby for anything in this world.

He no longer associates with the people he was before and hasn't since we decided to try again. It's always been something that's bothered me though with the how quickly he added people but again I guess I'll never know.

I suppose I just feel like I didn't get to make the choices myself on the basis of truth and fully knowing what happened. Before I found out what may or may not of happened we were doing really well and working through things.

How do people live like this?!

Prison, fraud, only fans, drugs, cheating....

It all sounds chaotic and toxic. Stop bringing even more children into it!

Trust me my kids are perfectly fine thank you very much, it's his ex friend who has NOTHING to do with my children who was in prison. Read my comment earlier aswell regarding my new baby, I was on the pill plus didn't know as had a medical disorder called aph, so it's not like they were planned but it happened and I wouldn't swap them for anything!! I don't use any type of drugs and he's stopped since coming back as it was a condition of him coming back.

We don't argue in front or around the kids so they have no idea about any if this at all, most our discussions around this or any other problems is in the night when they're all in bed and we talk not shout because we're adults trying to navigate around things that have happened. I just asked this question as a different perspective as I don't like to worry my family ect with our problems.

So think you should take your judgemental self and shove your not needed opinion where the sun don't shine, I asked about relationship not for you to bring my kids into it and tell me to stop having kids, I was sterilised which is more than most women do!!!

Thank you for this reply it's given me something to think on and is actually helpful unlike the other rubbish that's been posted that's unhelpful and not needed especially around my kids

He has committed fraud by taking out that loan in joint names. That is pretty serious imo.

Thank you for this, it's hard when you don't know if you've made the right decision, I wanted to be able to make it knowing truth which I thought I had until it all came out.

I don't know what's true and what isnt and I don't think I ever will and I'm not sure if that's more prominent now because of me being 12 weeks post partum and all the hormones ect racing around.

He said that's just like a default thing he went back to when he was younger he'd do that so he did it that time. Which I know is rubbish.

I actually went to the loan company and police and they did nothing about it, he paid back the whole loan and interest

Just placemarking