New love interest walked out on kids

[Helpinghands23]

Hello,

I am in the early stages (few months) of getting to know a man who seems lovely. Kind caring and we share the same hobbies. Thinking it could be official and lead to something serious.

Anyway he has been very open and honest about the fact his ex was occasionally violent to him and controlling and emotionally abusive. He also recently told me that she was jealous of the fact he had three young children when they met and she told him it was them or her. He chose her and hasn’t seen his children for three years.

I know this sounds like the usual my ex was a psycho and I said that to him and he showed me a load of messages going back over a few years of her being abusive and demanding he never see them and him agreeing even though he had told her in the messages her behaviour was not ok.

He is unsure whether to now try and get in contact again or whether than would be too unsettling for the children. And knows he would have a real fight with their mum who is obviously disgusted with his behaviour.

Wise ladies of mumsnet. Should I run away from this one?

If it wasn’t for this I would think he was a really great guy.

thank you.

Fuck me. Abandoning your kids? Scum

I would put money on his ex saying this about HIM honest about the fact his ex was occasionally violent to him and controlling and emotionally abusive.

I want to agree with previous posters but until you've been in an emotionally abusive relationship, you don't understand.

Yes OP, someone badly abused could feel they have no choice but to cut off their family, even their own children. It's why we are warned about this type of abuse. These abusers are manipulative - that's why they're considered to be abusive. They get inside your head and make sure you're dependent on them and they gaslight and twist your own thoughts. It's entirely possible this man felt he had no choice.

Of course, I'd remain cautious because it could easily be a red flag for him but ignoring the individual situation - yes someone who is being emotionally abused could cut off their own family members, no matter how sad that made them.

I'd be away at warp speed.
Nothing could take me away from my kids.
It's the basic requirement of being a parent.
And a decent human being who has brought 3 people into this world.
Same old, same old. He sounds like yet another absentee, 'I'll get involved when it suits me' father.

Abuse is awful but women get hauled over the coals for choosing to stay with abusive men to the detriment of their kids - this is no different. He made a choice, under duress and whilst being abused but he was still able to make a choice. He's not a good man.

He's a weak man. If you want to build your future with a weak man who will most likely let you down when the going gets tough then carry on.

Bollocks. Statistically the most likely abused people are women. And most of us don’t walk out on our fucking kids. And I’m assuming you’ve made the initial mistake I did and assumed it was the mother of his children being by abusive to him, when it wasn’t. There was literally nothing at all stopping him from seeing his children, apart from keeping the new squeeze happy

Sorry, I think he's a wrong'un.

If this is the case, what is he doing to repair the damage he has caused his children by abandoning them, and make himself available for a relationship with them? Not much I would bet. He's not sorry, he's sorry for himself.

He may well have suffered abuse, there are plenty of people who manage to exit abusive relationships and not abandon their three children in the process. This whole situation is so toxic and sad and dysfunctional that you should move away from it without delay, or risk being the next shitshow on his list.

I don't know how you feel, but over my dead body you would seperate me from my children. Literally.

You are making excuses for him. He abandoned his kids for a woman.

Ew.

Walk away.

There’s no way I would even be friends or speak to anyone that dump their kids for anyone. This is the worst type of person in my eyes. Those poor kids will be damaged. Horrible behaviour & he so far away from being a great guy.

Anyone who could be persuaded to abandon their children by a girlfriend or boyfriend isn't emotionally robust enough to be in a healthy romantic relationship with.

I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship. This ex caused problems in my other relationships, including with family.

Still, literally nothing could stop me from seeing my child and I think this is true of any loving parent.

Throw this one back in. Wild stallions couldn’t keep me away from my baby.

How could you ever have along term relationship with him?

If tou ever had kids you would know he was capable of walking away and never seeing them again.

My husband would walk on glass to see his kids

@Helpinghands23 how actively
is he trying to resolve things with his previous partner/the kids? Was that happening before you two got together?

He is a coward who put sex above his three children. I would kick him out as soon as I found out. And I don't even want children.

Massive red flags here.

Anyway he has been very open and honest about the fact his ex was occasionally violent to him and controlling and emotionally abusive.

And this is absolutely standard. I suspect you'd get a different story from his ex.

If he was a good man would he abandon his kids and leave them in the sole care of a violent parent?

He should work on building a new relationship with his kids before starting in another relationship.

Maybe he does hate himself for it and maybe he'll make up for it but I'd still run a mile.

He's out of this relationship now and still hasn't done anything about seeing his kids.

If he does I imagine trouble ahead and I wouldn't want to get involved in that.

Nailed it

This makes my heart hurt. I have a dad who did this and you never get over it. Having had my own kids now, it makes it all the worse, because I just can't comprehend how someone could not prioritise their kids. The fact he choose an abusive woman over his kids is worse, because it's not even like he was deliriously happy. There's just no excuse. It's unforgivable imo.

Good point. My understanding is nothing. He said he wanted to get away from the abuse, clear his head and think about what was right for the children, said he was worried about more upheaval if he got in contact after all this time.

I know I need to end it and it was a stupid question. I’m normally quite switched on, it was the abuse aspect that threw me to be honest.

thank you everyone oh and in response to the poster who asked about me having children with him that wouldn’t have happened anyway as I have children and don’t want anymore and feel too old for all that now 🙈

I beg to differ from pp and will say it’s classic DV to isolate the victim from friends and family.

most of us here are women who would be living with their children. That’s a different scenario. If you don’t have residential children then it’s much easier for an abusive partner to get between you and them. It can also be harder as a male to admit DV and seek help, and also with less access to support, benefits and housing you can end up completely reliant on someone you’re living with.

i had an ex who’s subsequent relationship was DV. No kids fortunately, but he couldn’t leave for a long time. Men’s DV shelters aren’t a thing, no family, no money or deposit for a new place, she had him trapped good and proper.

having said that I would still run. He needs to get therapy and counselling, and rebuild his life and relationship with his kids. Get a stable home life set first before any New Romantic relationships.