New love interest walked out on kids

[Helpinghands23]

Hello,

I am in the early stages (few months) of getting to know a man who seems lovely. Kind caring and we share the same hobbies. Thinking it could be official and lead to something serious.

Anyway he has been very open and honest about the fact his ex was occasionally violent to him and controlling and emotionally abusive. He also recently told me that she was jealous of the fact he had three young children when they met and she told him it was them or her. He chose her and hasn’t seen his children for three years.

I know this sounds like the usual my ex was a psycho and I said that to him and he showed me a load of messages going back over a few years of her being abusive and demanding he never see them and him agreeing even though he had told her in the messages her behaviour was not ok.

He is unsure whether to now try and get in contact again or whether than would be too unsettling for the children. And knows he would have a real fight with their mum who is obviously disgusted with his behaviour.

Wise ladies of mumsnet. Should I run away from this one?

If it wasn’t for this I would think he was a really great guy.

thank you.

@Helpinghands23
FFS - what the hell do you see in this man?
Just read the last sentence that you have written!!!! If that doesn't make a penny drop what will?

You need to stop seeing this man.
He needs to sort himself out, get therapy and contact the mother of his DC and work on that relationship.
You should not be part of this at all. Step away. Now.

Thank you for everyone who has replied to me.

Just to say again I will be stopping seeing this man. I wouldn’t have even questioned my decision if it wasn’t for the abuse aspect that from the messages I saw was awful. I don’t think they could have been faked. There was around 2 years worth of back and forwards messages amongst the abuse was all the normal every day life stuff like what shall we have for dinner etc. I am no techno whiz but can’t see how that could have been faked.

thank you again everyone

I think it's very concerning that this wasn't an immediate dealbreaker for you. Have you been in abusive relationships before? I wonder whether that's clouding your judgement and you're massively giving him the benefit of the doubt for something that is actually pretty indefensible? Or perhaps you have been with awful men in the past so your expectations for what you deserve aren't as high as they should be?

This is such a huge red flag it's worrying you felt unsure as to whether you would somehow be being OTT for ending the relationship.

Also the fact he's shown you years worth of messages between him and his ex, bank transactions etc is concerning. It's not a positive as you seem to think. It's inappropriate and could be considered a sort of form of love bombing as it's an attempt to get you super involved and invested at an early stage by sharing intimate details.

Completely inappropriate and bizarre behaviour for so early in the relationship.

I wonder whether it's worth doing a bit of soul searching to uncover why this wasn't all an immediate turn off for you.

Also him paying maintenance is just him abiding by the law. It's not him doing any more than the bare legal minimum, it comes out of his wage at source without him needing to do anything about it...

Can't believe we are in a world where men are praised for doing the legal minimum to contribute to lives they created.

If this was a woman, I would judge her just as badly. Probably worse because she is a mother. Unfair I know, but shit behaviour from men is unsurprising, this kind of behaviour from women, who are most often the victims of abusive relationships, is so rare.

There isn't a hope in hell I would walk away from my DC, no matter the abusive relationship I was in. I would sooner die than abandon my child.

What this man has done to these young children is absolutely reprehensible. He is complete scum and if the OP still sees anything in this pathetic man, then that says a lot about her tbh.

To be honest, I’m gonna go against the grain here.

Id be interested to know what the relationship was like with the mother of his children? Was that a positive one? Was she fairly accommodating of custody and did he see his children PRIOR to the relationship with his ex? I feel like these situations are rarely black and white, and there is a hell of a lot of context that’s being missed.

That being said, he ought to have never chosen the new woman over his children. BUT and a very big BUT, emotional abuse and manipulation is extremely serious and if it were the other way around, I reckon a lot of MN’ers would be running to the defence of the woman if she were being exploited or abused.

Maybe he was already quite ostracised from his children, and then the new woman broke him down further and he found it impossible to maintain a relationship with his kids. In which case, I actually really feel sorry for him. Leaving an abusive relationship is hard too. And I can’t imagine he feels great with himself in where he’s at in his life currently. Don’t you think people deserve support, a second chance… he really ought to be trying to rebuild the relationship with his children. But then how do you do that after so long? Must be a really hard scenario to be fair. I actually feel a lot of sympathy.

too much judgement on MN sometimes. Though I fully agree he should NEVER have abandoned his children in the first place, but I imagine the reality of it was it happened over a long period of time and not helped by a controlling partner…..

In response to the relationship with the mother of his children.
He has spoken mostly positive about her. My understanding is she cheated on him and that’s why the relationship broke up and she was apparently encouraging of the children spending time with their dad.

@RichTea90 Nope, if this was a woman, I think the vast majority of posters would still judge her the same, if not worse. Abandoning children, leaving them with those feelings of rejection and lifelong scars is something a scumbag does. People just expect it somewhat when men do it.

And if he's not with his controlling partner anymore, why has he not tried his very best to work on his relationship with his children... his still very young children???

Why is he instead spending his time trying to get laid and showing his new GF, in fucking weird detail, 2 years of texts from the abusive partner, bank statements showing maintenance... he's manipulative scum, pure and simple.

Do you have children?
Do you see your children?
Do you pay maintenance for your children?

Ask those questions early on and you’ll save a lot of time and effort. So many men walk away from their children. If they do try to re initiate contact it’s often because they have a new partner and that woman will encourage them and make the effort that they couldn’t be bothered to.

I don’t disagree with you @MyHouseIsABusStop
That abandonment & rejection is unforgivable.

I just think there is way more context missing. I prefer to be a little less judgemental - esp when I don’t have all the facts.

Men are very often ostracised and alienated from their children though. I am not in any way making excuses for him, just trying to be less man-bashing.

Yeah, I agree with this. I’d want to try and understand a bit more tbh.

OR, if you fancy saving yourself a lot of time and energy OP, I’d move along from this one - plenty of other men out there. This situation sounds far too messy for me to be perfectly honest, and I wouldn’t get involved!

Maybe try going with the grain, and reading the OPs comments at least.

The solution to missing one's children is not to find another woman to fuck.

1 If he's blatantly lying, he could easily have deleted his messages

2 messages don't have context

3 even if she was abusive, as already stated, his response, and even more so, inability to move on after and think about doing the right thing is a huge problem.

4 So he had one partner who, with thre eyoung children, cheated on him? And then he had a very abusive partner? mmmm... I bet he tells you how fabulous it is to be with someone like you who is normal and kind and loving? But I'd be shocked if he hasn't started making his problems your problems - "can you just text me when you're out because I get so nervous after my cheating/abusive exes". "I don't like you going out with Mary and Jane. My ex used to do this but that was when she was picking up men."

The OP has already said he had a relationship with his children which was working prior to meeting this woman and so he made his choice to prioritise her over continuing to see his children.

And surely once he split with the abusive ex, that’s the time to think about contacting his children again than chasing a new woman?

Hes got time to get his feet under someone else’s table but he can’t use that time to mend his broken relationship with his kids - sorry that’s a big red flag and I don’t care if that’s judgmental. Hes got his priorities wrong and women need to stop giving these losers a chance because they’re ’sweet and kind’ - yes I’m sure that’s exactly what his kids think!

He hasn’t actually said anything like that to me else I would have already ran. (I still am going to but people seem to be ignoring me about that lol)
I think the mother of his children cheating happened when there was only 2 children and they tried to repair the marriage for the children and child number three came along and they kept trying but both new it was over but took a while to get to that point. As I think can often be the case when children involved.

I'm not confident you'll answer this, but what were the circumstances around meeting and getting into a relationship with this man?
How did you find out about his children/relationship history?

I'd be the exact same and judge the exact same and the partner would be gone if they didn't want me to have my children...

But there are people who would give a woman more sympathy and understanding than they would a man.

Guess all the op can do is what she feels right and if she wants to persure a relationship then know it may have ups and downs whilst he navigates a new relationship with his children

Literally so much judgement on here it's rediclious. I wouldn't leave my children either no matter the new relationship would anyone take me away from them but it does happen and happens both ways both through abuse and just because mostly mums use the children.

The scum in this situation is his abusive ex, he made poor choices and bad decisions probably to make his life a little easier (not good I know but truth). Before this he sounds like he was a good dad and why can't he be that again now he's left the woman who was abusing him!?

I don't see why anyone would leave or stay in a relationship on the advice of strangers on the Internet, if the op wants to have a relationship with this man good for her and I hope she's happy, it may be difficult to navigate at first whilst he re establishes contact but that doesn't mean she should leave him.

Like I said if his actions are showing that he wants a relationship and to rebuild with his children I really don't see an issue people are allowed to make mistakes you know it's how we get back up and fix those mistakes that matter

he is cruel and selfish—run

Yep, I fully hear and understand what you’re saying.

He 100% needs to prioritise rebuilding the relationship with his children. But I still think he’s entitled to a new relationship as well. Also it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s just looking for someone to f**k either.

I don’t know this guy, but everyone has completely bashed him on this thread. OP, I would step away from this one.

Are you missing the important fact that he hasn't attempted to repair any relationship with those children?
Yet has it in him to start and nourish a new relationship of several months with the OP.

So brave.

@Helpinghands23 all I'm going to say on this now is do what YOU want to do. Don't let the judgmental strangers on the Internet that don't know you, don't know your partner and don't know the situation with his abusive ex make decisions for you.

There's a chance you could miss out on an amazing relationship because some person who's sat at home wanting to man bash because they hate their relationship/is single.

Before this last relationship he sounds like he was a good dad and so that tells me there must of been something seriously wrong for him to take that direction.

I don't agree with what he did and I would never leave my children BUT we don't know the abuse he was dealing with and as I've said if it was a woman I feel she'd get way more sympathy. Also as I've said is he making the efforts to reach out to their mother looking at court ect because if he is that would tell me he is seriously regretting his decision and want to make amends.

At the end of the day we all make mistakes but ultimately the choice is YOURS and yours alone.

I'd love to hear the ex wife's side of the story.