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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

New love interest walked out on kids

274 replies

Helpinghands23 · 08/10/2024 09:27

Hello,

I am in the early stages (few months) of getting to know a man who seems lovely. Kind caring and we share the same hobbies. Thinking it could be official and lead to something serious.

Anyway he has been very open and honest about the fact his ex was occasionally violent to him and controlling and emotionally abusive. He also recently told me that she was jealous of the fact he had three young children when they met and she told him it was them or her. He chose her and hasn’t seen his children for three years.

I know this sounds like the usual my ex was a psycho and I said that to him and he showed me a load of messages going back over a few years of her being abusive and demanding he never see them and him agreeing even though he had told her in the messages her behaviour was not ok.

He is unsure whether to now try and get in contact again or whether than would be too unsettling for the children. And knows he would have a real fight with their mum who is obviously disgusted with his behaviour.

Wise ladies of mumsnet. Should I run away from this one?

If it wasn’t for this I would think he was a really great guy.

thank you.

OP posts:
annonymousse · 08/10/2024 09:28

A great guy doesn't choose a new partner over his kids

user2848502016 · 08/10/2024 09:30

Yeah don't get involved. I can't believe he chose a woman over his kids!!!!

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/10/2024 09:30

Can you imagine abandoning your own children? If not then walk away at speed. He’s seriously messed up.

Nameftgigb · 08/10/2024 09:30

So his ex was so nasty and violent and abusive, that he decided to walk away and give her full custody of his 3 children. What a prince of a man 👍

BaronessBomburst · 08/10/2024 09:31

Run. He dumped his kids. Does he even pay maintenance?

Helpinghands23 · 08/10/2024 09:31

No the mother of his children wasn’t abusive, that was his partner after they divorced

OP posts:
Redcrayons · 08/10/2024 09:31

Nameftgigb · 08/10/2024 09:30

So his ex was so nasty and violent and abusive, that he decided to walk away and give her full custody of his 3 children. What a prince of a man 👍

The ex isn’t the mother of his kids.

I can’t imagine ever walking away from my children. It would be a big no from me.

Helpinghands23 · 08/10/2024 09:31

He does pay maintenance and I saw the bank statements on his phone

OP posts:
Notamum12345577 · 08/10/2024 09:32

Nameftgigb · 08/10/2024 09:30

So his ex was so nasty and violent and abusive, that he decided to walk away and give her full custody of his 3 children. What a prince of a man 👍

Different ex. She asked him to stop seeing his kids (that he had previously with another woman)

ATastingMenuButItsAllCrisps · 08/10/2024 09:32

He put his sex life over three people he chose to create. What a reprehensible specimen. Surely you don't believe his nice guy act?
You know this man will sink to being morally bankrupt child abandoner just to have a girlfriend, obviously don't participate.

TwistedWonder · 08/10/2024 09:33

No decent parent walks out on their kids and puts their own sex life before their children.

Hrs not a nice guy at all, don’t fall for the BS script. He made a conscious shit choice to abandon his kids to get his penis wet.

Do you honestly not know the answer to your own question?

Midsomereve · 08/10/2024 09:34

He could have ended it with her and remained in post as a father. I wouldn't be able to get past that.

TheCultureHusks · 08/10/2024 09:34

Wtf. No. Just no block the shit!

Edingril · 08/10/2024 09:34

You seriously need to ask? And MN wonders why women can't work out why there is massive sirens screaming loudly 'don't do it' yet we are told 'of course there is no red flags men hide it well'

Good grief do you need a flow chart?

OldTinHat · 08/10/2024 09:34

Well, he's not lovely, kind or caring if he can walk away from his children.

The hills are that way >>>>>

Nameftgigb · 08/10/2024 09:36

Notamum12345577 · 08/10/2024 09:32

Different ex. She asked him to stop seeing his kids (that he had previously with another woman)

Sorry, my mistake. So he decided to stop seeing his kids for absolutely no reason at all then? Just to placate his new shag?

Helpinghands23 · 08/10/2024 09:37

Thank you. I know you are all of course correct.

I don’t know much about abusive relationships but wondered whether it was a case of the abuse being so bad he didn’t think he had a choice. If that makes sense. He has been very clear he hates himself for it and has blamed the abuse but I guess that’s him spinning me a line.

OP posts:
ARichtGoodDram · 08/10/2024 09:37

Run away imo. He abandoned his kids for a new gf.

If you do stay then do not encourage him to get in touch with his children.

He clearly isn't interested in his children unless the woman he is with is. He walked away from them for his ex. He'll get back in touch, or not, on your suggestion...

That is not a caring father at all.

Sounds like my ex who felt our children were props to be picked up and put down depending on how he wanted to come across to the latest GF.

Pumpkinpie1 · 08/10/2024 09:38

He sounds like he’s rewriting history to minimise his actions.
He walked out on his kids , and blamed not seeing them on his then partner.
He choose the OW over his kids !!
Hes a grown up he has choices and chose sex before his children! Yuk! .
Paying child support for the kids he made doesn’t excuse his actions .
He hasn’t seen them for 3 years OP and you are minimising his abandonment

ARichtGoodDram · 08/10/2024 09:38

Helpinghands23 · 08/10/2024 09:37

Thank you. I know you are all of course correct.

I don’t know much about abusive relationships but wondered whether it was a case of the abuse being so bad he didn’t think he had a choice. If that makes sense. He has been very clear he hates himself for it and has blamed the abuse but I guess that’s him spinning me a line.

If it was really because of her then he'd have been working on rebuilding with his children since he split up with her.

He wouldn't be looking for another new relationship and their guidance on what to do.

TwistedWonder · 08/10/2024 09:39

Helpinghands23 · 08/10/2024 09:37

Thank you. I know you are all of course correct.

I don’t know much about abusive relationships but wondered whether it was a case of the abuse being so bad he didn’t think he had a choice. If that makes sense. He has been very clear he hates himself for it and has blamed the abuse but I guess that’s him spinning me a line.

Sorry but that a BS excuse. He consciously chose a shag over his children - I couldn’t bear to look at a man like that let alone be on a relationship with him.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 08/10/2024 09:40

Run like the fucking wind.

Mitherations · 08/10/2024 09:40

I wouldn't touch a man with a bargepole who abandoned his kids in favour of getting his dick wet with a new girlfriend.

You're considering it making it official because you think it could be serious? You'd be seriously unhinged and seriously desperate if this was the best you could do.

Bear in mind that you're not special, he will do to you what he's done to others, and any man who will walk away from three children that he's fathered is a peice of shit. He pays maintenence? Any fool can set up a standing order. Hope this helps.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 08/10/2024 09:40

Red flags ahoy here.

Ditch

MyHouseIsABusStop · 08/10/2024 09:40

WTAF? Are you serious? Do you really need to ask? Why in the name of god would you want to be with a man who walked out on his 3 children for a girlfriend? What an absolute piece of shit.

How old are the kids? Does he event pay anything for them?

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