New love interest walked out on kids

[Helpinghands23]

Hello,

I am in the early stages (few months) of getting to know a man who seems lovely. Kind caring and we share the same hobbies. Thinking it could be official and lead to something serious.

Anyway he has been very open and honest about the fact his ex was occasionally violent to him and controlling and emotionally abusive. He also recently told me that she was jealous of the fact he had three young children when they met and she told him it was them or her. He chose her and hasn’t seen his children for three years.

I know this sounds like the usual my ex was a psycho and I said that to him and he showed me a load of messages going back over a few years of her being abusive and demanding he never see them and him agreeing even though he had told her in the messages her behaviour was not ok.

He is unsure whether to now try and get in contact again or whether than would be too unsettling for the children. And knows he would have a real fight with their mum who is obviously disgusted with his behaviour.

Wise ladies of mumsnet. Should I run away from this one?

If it wasn’t for this I would think he was a really great guy.

thank you.

I'm sorry, the abuse has got nothing to do with this. You don't get into a NEW relationship and abandon your children. I can understand the frog boiling in a pot analogy - but this doesn't apply here.

I couldn't do this. He's love-bombing you now and really has dropped an actual bomb of "I'm a terrible father" on you.

It’s bollocks. Hes making excuses for his shitty choices

And as previously posted and echoed by other PPs if he was seriously remorseful and wanted to make amends with his kids, that should have been his priority rather than chasing his next shag partner

This man is selfish. He put his own happiness before his DC.

The fact that he hasn’t done anything to repair the relationship with his DC after leaving the supposed abusive girlfriend shows this again. He may have felt ashamed, awful for what he had done but has not done anything to see the DC. Again thinking about himself first.

Yet he is quite happy to go back to dating and has met you.

I have no time for anyone who puts themselves before their DC. I would end it

3 kids and he 'isn't sure' whether to try and get contact again

why are your standards on the floor op

Again, absolutely not defending his choice to walk away but am I being really stupid to think he might have a point that trying to get contact after this amount of time might be more unsettling for the children?
He said from looking at social media the mum was living with a new man. They could be quite settled now?

Not only did he ditch his kids for his new girlfriend, he didn't do everything he could to make that mistake right the second he was out of that relationship and is now dangling his quandary in front of you as proof he's a good man.

If you think he's a nice guy, I have a bridge to sell you.

You say you’re not defending him but you do seem to be making excuses as to why his appalling choices might be ok.

Im not convinced you really want to end it but obviously that’s your call. But the fact the responses are almost unanimous as to the fact he’s a crap dad who has prioritised his next shag over his kids rather than move heaven and earth to rebuild the relationship with them is such a red flag it’s impossible to get past.

@Helpinghands23 I seriously wonder how you can ask this question. Surely the answer would be obvious? This man is detestable to abandon his own flesh and blood.

If he can treat his own children that way, you think he’d treat you better? How can you be so blasé about this that you need strangers on the internet to tell you that it’s an obvious NO.

STOP defending him and get your own child away from a man that is well and truly evil.

he’s awful, truly truly abominable

Oh here we go again another post blaming another woman but the man is a victim . WTF are you even asking .

"My Dad left me when I was a small child and stopped contacting me because he was in an abusive relationship. I have so much respect for the fact he continued to never see or contact me after they broke up, that was a really kind thing he did," said NO ADULT ever.

It's a terrible excuse.

As I said in a previous post, ALL his energy right now should be on making it up to his kids after what he did to them, working out with the Mum how to gradually reintroduce contact, even if that means driving 2 hours each way for a 1 hour visit, rebuilding the trust and making them see how sorry he is for what he's done.

If I'd done that to my daughter, I wouldn't be going on dates and fannying about wondering how "settled" she was, my life would be about proving to her that I'd made a terrible mistake and she was loved and wanted.

Not that I'd ever be in that situation because there's no amount of abuse that would make me abandon my child.

I am absolutely not making excuses and do not think his choice is in anyway ok.

but I am someone that likes to give a chance and look at all parts of a situation.

I am going to tell him it’s over.

I was just thinking if my children’s dad did that and we had moved on and got settled would I think contact and all the upset again was actually beneficial to the children.

Children don't get over being abandoned by a parent. If he comes back and becomes a constant part of their lives and rebuilds trust, then he can turn this around to some extent. What will fuck them up beyond all measure is him yo-yoing in and out of their lives depending on whether it suits him and his current relationship. I'm guessing the latter is what he's thinking to do since he's running this past you to check what you think.

So you're extrapolating all cases where men end up as utter shits to this one situation? Many men don't leave three children or do other things that are such obvious red flags and still end up as abusers or common or garden arseholes.

He's a weaselly cunt. Hope that helps.

Are you a detective that you need to investigate all parts? What you know is that he abandoned not one, not two but 3 children.

Women like you are terrifying

@Helpinghands23 - it’s all BS.

He chose his GF over his kids. The abuse is no excuse - he should have ended things at the first ultimatum.

And now he’s free of her, he’s still looking for excuses to keep away. This man is not good, loving and kind. He’s a man who walked away from the 3 little beings whom he has helped create because he wanted to shag another woman. He’s just a selfish, immature excuse for a man.

OP - you’re not a very young woman freshly launched on the world. You’re a mother yourself. You know this is really bad.

I would never ever in a thousand years date a man who walked out on his kids for any reason, least of all a woman. I wouldn't even be friends with him.

He needs to forget about relationships and do his utmost to support his children, including overcoming shame, embarrassment and being able to accept blame, and anger from them and their mother. He sounds weak and selfish.

Thing is and it's not for you to sort out but what's going to be easiest for the kids to reconcile in the medium to long term?

Theyve already had hard conversations with their mum about why dad isn't visiting for 3 years.

But what's harder longer term, a hard convo now and a rocky time, potentially rebuilding thing things then in future saying 'we once didn't see dad for three years. Apparently he got into an abusive relationship, I understand now. He apologised and made it right with us and we've been quite close since', or 'we've never seen our dad since we were young'? The right thing to do is difficult but obvious. He should be figuring that out, not dating.

but I am someone that likes to give a chance and look at all parts of a situation.

And that’s how these crap men get away with it because too many women like to be kind, ignore the obvious red flags and give these pieces of shit a chance despite them showing in big flashing letters that they’re wronguns

OP being honest how does this relationship work out long term? He makes contact with his kids down the road, but all they see is the dad that abandoned them playing happy families with your children, do you think it will be plain sailing going forward from there? Where is his extended family in all this, his parents and siblings, have they maintained contact with his children? Again what do they make of him playing happy families with your children, all while ignoring his own? Whatever way this goes you are inviting emotional chaos into your household, and all the impact that has on your children, protect your children from this.

I could never in a million years respect a guy like this. Set your bar higher op.

Yes abusive relationships make people do bad things. But like others have said, he’s not made any effort since. He’s either playing the victim card to get your wrapped round his finger and has no interest in the kids OR he’s lovely and made a mistake and will fight to get access but now you’ve got years of angry ex wife and damaged children to deal with. Runnn.

This