New love interest walked out on kids

[Helpinghands23]

Hello,

I am in the early stages (few months) of getting to know a man who seems lovely. Kind caring and we share the same hobbies. Thinking it could be official and lead to something serious.

Anyway he has been very open and honest about the fact his ex was occasionally violent to him and controlling and emotionally abusive. He also recently told me that she was jealous of the fact he had three young children when they met and she told him it was them or her. He chose her and hasn’t seen his children for three years.

I know this sounds like the usual my ex was a psycho and I said that to him and he showed me a load of messages going back over a few years of her being abusive and demanding he never see them and him agreeing even though he had told her in the messages her behaviour was not ok.

He is unsure whether to now try and get in contact again or whether than would be too unsettling for the children. And knows he would have a real fight with their mum who is obviously disgusted with his behaviour.

Wise ladies of mumsnet. Should I run away from this one?

If it wasn’t for this I would think he was a really great guy.

thank you.

Apologies. I'm late in

Wowie, the first word you use to describe him as kind. I wonder if that'd be the first word his kids thought of?

Except he’s not even in that relationship anymore and still can’t be arsed to contact his kids. He’s got all the time in the world to pursue a new shag though

This is a good point , would be interesting to know how position if you said you would prefer him not to reconnect with his kids. Would he drop the idea like a hot potato again because it's not convenient?

Aside from the abandonment of his children, if he was that great he wouldn't be on his third partner in 5 years.

That is not parenting.
That is guilt money and of course, what anyone should do asxa minimum
Your choice as to whether or not you think he is wonderful, but tbh, he isn't looking much of a catch, no matter how nice he is in other areas

That's bullshit and deep down you know it.

If he was ''so scared'' of his new shag that he feared for his life, he'd have gone to police.

He sounds awful.

Any man who can abandon his children to go out with a ''violent new woman'' needs his bumps felt.

Chances are, he is also violent.

Run.

Love the phrase needs his bumps felt! Haven't heard it for ages!

Let’s give him the „benefit of the doubt“ and assume that he was in a controlling, abusive and coercive relationship.

Did he freely choose to abandon his children? No, he didn’t. And I have a lot of sympathy for people whose abusers distanced them from their loved ones (be that friends or family).

But that doesn’t mean that the aftermath of this - and how it continues to affect the relationship with his children specifically - won’t affect him in the future. Do you really want to be „the new wife“ in this situation?

Do you want your (shared) future home be the place where he and his children may very well have to work through this?

Being the stepmum of teenagers who were abandoned by their father won’t be a walk in the park!

And if you ever were to have children of your own: How would you explain this to them? How would you make them feel safe and secure? How could you assure them that this won’t happen to them/again?

And let’s keep in mind that this is truly the most positive spin one could put on this.

It is also perfectly possible that he - like many others before him - simply walked out on his children because he wanted to / valued his girlfriend more than his children.

=> RUN. The red flags are waving and you absolutely should run imo!

When I said official I did not mean marriage. Just seeing each other and only each other (I wasn’t and I don’t think he is seeing anyone else either) but just being in a relationship rather than dating. Because we were talking about that he said he needed to be honest and told me everything.

and when I said mind I meant he has shown kindness to me.

please don’t get me wrong, I don’t in anyway think walking out on his kids was ok it was just whether the abuse could have impacted that decision or not.

But I also agree that it’s not looking good that he hasn’t actively tried to move forward with contact. He did say he was scared and ashamed and was scared to face people. Again not defending him just giving facts.

I will stop seeing him. Thank you

Sounds unpleasant. I really struggle to believe men who say they were in a controlling, abusive relationship if they had no kids with that partner. The kids are normally the only reason they stay. I'm not saying it can't ever happen, however he's using his ex as an excuse why HE walked away from his kids. That was his decision alone. He should have binned her as soon as she started displaying this controlling behaviour. He didn't, which suggests either he was actually quite happy to do it and lead the child free life, he has no backbone, or his self-esteem is so low he didn't think he would ever meet anyone again and she was his only hope. None are attractive. He should not be concentrating on a new relationship with you, he should be concentrating on building a relationship up with his estranged kids. Run very fast from this one!

@Helpinghands23 See for everyone saying that you should walk away, that part is really down to you OP. I understand that advice and I find it hard to wrap my head around his situation being a Mum myself.

I agree that what he has done is very bad to say the least and I understand why he is unsure what to do. All I can say is that people in life sometimes mess up. Badly. But what sets people who make mistakes (albeit this is a collosal fuck up) apart from the downright bad, is their ability to make it up and work fucking hard in doing so.

If you tell him anything, tell him that. His ex wife might not be forgiving, his children will have suffered a huge loss in his absence. But isn't it better dedicating your time and energy to trying? To making it up? It's a long road but it's worth it. Don't be the coward who runs away without trying. Accept the consequences, move forward and believe everything is fixable to an extent.

He was thinking with his trousers, not his brain. Any person prepared to abandon his children for a girlfriend is not to be trusted! I think you know that you just needed us to agree with you.

Let him go away, re-establish and maintain a good relationship with his ex-wife and children for a while, and then you can reconsider a relationship with him yourself.

This guy is a walking red flag. 🚩

In future, if a boyfriend openly admits to choosing to traumatise and brutally discard his kids, take that as a sign he is scum. There is no excuse.
These males have no place in society.

Good reading your updates, OP. He is absolutely despicable and revolting for not working hard on mending the relationship (starting with the mother of the kids). He might have been in an abusive relationship but now he is out, there’s no excuse.

Being so early in the relationship, we still
go by superficial things and such a weak approach to right a wrong is soooo unattractive!

There is absolutely no way I could ever overlook him failing his kids in this way.

He left a relationship with 3 young children? What happened there? Their mother left to manage absolutely everything?

Then he went into a relationship with an abusive woman and stopped seeing his babies?

The past can't be changed but he absolutely has to do everything to earn a relationship with his children now.

I don't think there's capacity for him to start a relationship with you. I bet the mother of his kids barely has time to shower while he's out dating and doing what he wants 😖

Throw him back. His morals and priorities are total SHIT.

He left his wife and kids, and is now painting himself as an abuse survivor. I've heard it all now. Is there any depth they won't stoop to?

If he is fickle enough to walk away from his children because a girlfriend told him to - then he doesn't deserve access to his children (but I recognise we need to base things on what is best for his children).

What a wankerish thing to do.

Tell him to get therapy if he wants to try and resolve his life choices.

I see your dilemma but if his new partner was abusive at the beginning of the relationship, surely he would have walked away? She abused him and told him it was her or his kids and he chose her? It certainly was a mistake and I can see why he would now regret it but if his moral compass is so far out of whack, would you really trust him going forward.

You have seen her messages and some of his replies but you do not have the full context, there could be other things at play.

I am not surprised the mother of his children would not welcome him back into their lives willingly. Do you have kids? If you have, you most certainly need to walk away now - he has proven himself unreliable when it comes to the welfare of kids.

His decision as to the way forward (or not) with his kids, is his alone. You cannot be party to the shit storm that will ensue if he tries to re-initiate contact. He has to want this for himself, with the well being of the kids being the only motivating factor.

I think you need to walk away as I see this being a horrible path to tread no matter what he chooses - would you want to be with him if he decides to keep away from his kids??? But can you cope with what is to come if he tries to rebuild a relationship with his kids, as you will be in their lives too.

If he has his own home and will be seeing his children in his own home to show them that they come first and slowly rebuilds the relationship, I would have more respect for him. But I suspect he would want/need your help and I think he needs to do this by himself before he embarks on a serious relationship.

She was a new girlfriend not one he had put loads of time money and effort into and he still did as she asked? Most men wouldn't do that unless they actually wanted to do that anyway

Also long term, imagine if you got together you had a successful relationship and you managed to get back in touch with his children they are going to be traumatised and will lash out at you more than him (and he will allow it) so you will be dammed if you don't and dammed if you do get back in touch

If he really missed his kids he would have got back in touch with them instead of moving on to the next person he isntban emotionally healthy person you should stay away

I think what he has said she wasn’t abusive to begin with. He said he fell in love with her and it was only after about 9 months to a year the abuse started and she asked him to chose. He did say something like he thought she was insecure and once he showed he was serious about her she would change her mind. But I’m not sure how believable that is.

Good choice. I don't know if you have your own children. If so, imagine that you had to pick between leaving them with their father and never seeing them again, or pleasing a man. Any man, regardless of how abusive. If the idea of cutting off your own children to satisfy a man is ridiculous to you, then you know that you're doing the right thing.

If he really believed that he had made a terrible mistake whilst in the midst of abuse, his full focus right now would be on communicating with their mother to make amends and gradually work towards rebuilding the relationship- not dating.