New love interest walked out on kids

[Helpinghands23]

Hello,

I am in the early stages (few months) of getting to know a man who seems lovely. Kind caring and we share the same hobbies. Thinking it could be official and lead to something serious.

Anyway he has been very open and honest about the fact his ex was occasionally violent to him and controlling and emotionally abusive. He also recently told me that she was jealous of the fact he had three young children when they met and she told him it was them or her. He chose her and hasn’t seen his children for three years.

I know this sounds like the usual my ex was a psycho and I said that to him and he showed me a load of messages going back over a few years of her being abusive and demanding he never see them and him agreeing even though he had told her in the messages her behaviour was not ok.

He is unsure whether to now try and get in contact again or whether than would be too unsettling for the children. And knows he would have a real fight with their mum who is obviously disgusted with his behaviour.

Wise ladies of mumsnet. Should I run away from this one?

If it wasn’t for this I would think he was a really great guy.

thank you.

That might all be true but it also means that he's cowardly and has poor values - not good trait for a partner.
Feel free to be his friend if you enjoy volunteering and doing charity work but he isn't a good choice for a partner. He will flatter and love bomb you and tell you how amazing and kind you are etc

I would encourage him to write an apology letter to his children and their mother and ask if he could take them all out for a meal, and also ask if there is anything they need (winter clothes, a holiday, anything for the house like new laptops) that he can send them - put his money where his mouth is.

Run. He's not a good guy. If he was he'd have fought for his kids.

While this may be an unfair comparison, my ex husband left two children because his ex was awful and difficult and he was very young etc etc. (insert sob story here) I met him 5 years after he left them. I was a little bit concerned but didn't listen to my inner voice. 12 years later, he left me for someone else after having an affair and now, 3 years on barely sees our daughter! So I would say listen to your inner voice.

You saw the payments on his phone. Do you know that I can change the name of my window cleaner to Helpinghands123 in my banking app. Does that mean you got money from me?

Walk away from this one OP.

Ps paying maintenance isn't a plus point, he is literally forced to do this by the government.

At what point in your relationship did he show you all the messages? Sometimes too much openess at an early stage can be a bad thing. Bit odd to be keeping all those bad memories and messages and showing them to future GF's, don't you think?
Much to unpick here. How long has it been since his ex? Why stick with her 3 years to be abused when they had no ties and he had his DC's as incentive to split? You say the messages go back a few years, so he put abuse from the start ahead of his DC's? That doesn't add up and it all seems convenient and fishy to me to have ready evidence to show you.

However, if he were the abusive one, it would make entire sense for the mother of his DC's to want him gone despite having 3 to look after on her own, and it would fully explain why he had no contact. Also explains why he's so lovely to you now, as abusers lovebomb at the start to hook, it's their MO. Abusers are the loveliest of men for the first few months during the convincing phase.
Messages can probably be faked. If a person had done the mental work to get over the abuse and move on, they wouldn't want to keep them.
All too messy, too risky, and too suss. Keep away.

Walk away. If he was really serious about rebuilding the relationship with his kids because he realised he was in the wrong then that's what he would be doing. Not pursuing a relationship with you.

Of COURSE he "had a choice"! Your desperation to keep going with this prince is blinding you to the obvious truth.

My understanding is he wasn’t reliant on the abusive partner. He earns around £60k a year and had the deposit for his own home from the divorce settlement. He wasn’t reliant on the partner financially in anyway. Not that it makes a difference, just trying to give the facts.

I think he chose his own happiness over his responsibilities and his children's happiness and need for a father. He put himself first, end of . He's not someone I could respect.

Raise your standards. You are worth more.

If ( and that’s a big if) he left his kids because he was being abused etc then the second he got out of that situation he should have been concentrating all his energy on trying to repair the damage he did abandoning his children, not going out finding new relationships..

Fuck this guy. Wanker.

This man put a new partner before his own 3 young children. He walked away because his new partner didn't want him seeing his children. She's a first class bitch and he's spineless. My ex partner's wife walked out on him and their two boys, then aged 4 and 6 years old. She met someone new, he wasn't interested in her kids and she didn't want the responsibility of them, they were an inconvenience to her new life. It will be very very difficult to convince his children's Mother, that he is willing to step-up and be a Dad. His children may not want to know him, and he must be prepared for that. He has nothing to lose by trying.

This may be the case but I still wouldn't consider dating such a person (who had left their kids) until they had settled things with their children rather than prioritising a new relationship. Also undertaking significant therapy. starting dating prior to even making any decisions re kids doesn't seem to show he has accepted his role in how it will have affected the children, even giving benefit of the doubt re whether this was severe abuse.

OP, I would stay away. Best case scenario he isn't in a position to date.

ah he pays maintenance so that's all alright then

NOT !

He could have made those messages up - doctored them.
Even if he didn't, it was his choice.
Probably lying about her being violent as well.
Anyway, he sounds like a loser.

So he dropped his DC in favour of a woman who then turned out to be abusive. Even IF that was true and he has now seen the error of his ways (being generous here) surely he should be putting his energy into getting back in his DC's lives, getting access to them, building bridges etc. But instead he's done nothing, and is instead putting his energy into pursuing a relationship with you...
He doesn't care about his DC and paying a bit of maintenance doesn't make that the case.

They weren't her kids!

He finally split up with the woman who made him stop seeing his kids and he's put more effort into finding a new shag than trying to apologise to his kids and ex.

How can you have ANY respect for him?

If he'd said he's in the process of applying to court etc., that he's trying everything to get back in their lives and therefore whilst he likes you and wants to give it a try, he will have to drop anything for them ATM, then I'd CONSIDER giving him a chance. Anything less? No. Way.

Agree with this. If he was in any way an even half decent man he would have moved heaven and earth to get back with his kids rather than chasing more women.

The guy prioritises his cock over his kids every time - what a fucking prince he is

How many times do I have to correct myself? That was 3 pages ago 🙄

Thinking it could be official and lead to something serious.

When you say 'official' what do you mean @Helpinghands23 ?
Usually that means marriage.

You're not thinking of this a few months in surely?

He abandoned his children for a new girlfriend. Who- according to him- turned into some kind of abusive monster.

He sound weak if nothing else.

After a few months you barely know him.
Kind and caring?

Nope- not when his kids haven't seen their dad for 3 years.

You can do better.

THIS. Definitely run, OP, what a disgusting person he is.

if he genuinely is sorry for his actions over his children and he really wants to build a relationship back up, i would have thought that was more important than a new relationship for himself?

and if he genuinely does want a relationship with his children, then its up to him to facilitate this, not ask his new squeeze on advise.

my DH's dad walked away from DH and his other children for 26 years because of a woman. when the woman passed away (we are older people) his dad got back in touch, was forgiven and allowed back into DH's life and his GC's life.. but then he met another woman.. and guess what?? 3 years later and no sign of DH's dad again!

perhaps your new squeeze is testing the water with you, wants to appear the good guy so has reeled you into this story of how he wants a relationship with his kids blah blah blah.. but really, he's trying to see what YOU want and i you tell him to 'just leave things be', he can shrug his shoulders and blame you in later years?