Partner on only fans , we marry in weeks.

[Strawberrylatte]

I really don’t know what to do.
In April I found out my partner has been paying for only fans while we plan our wedding. I found this out from his credit card. I was very upset and I feel so hurt and angry. He gets what he needs from me , I send him those kind of photos / videos myself and I absolute hate to come across like I think I’m great, I don’t but my photos are up there with the kind of girls on only fans. I’m confident and I always get compliments and take pride in my body, his friends even make funny comments on how he got with a girl like me. It’s knocked my confidence completely now and I feel sad. Like what he gets from me clearly isn’t enough that he needs to go and pay for it !
I don’t understand why on earth he is paying for this ! We was really struggling over Christmas we had no money and we have 3 children , I’m sad because he knew how hard I was trying to get them presents ,
I was selling all my old clothes for example because he would constantly tell me how broke he is because of all the bills his having to pay but he was able to pay for other women. Let me add a week after I found this out I found out I was pregnant and I ended up in hospital because it was an ectopic.
I had to go for surgery and have my tube removed. I was also very upset with this because he promised me he would have the snip before we even decided to have our last baby and he then wouldn’t go through with he complained about using condoms and I was having problems with the pill it was making me so miserable I would bleed all the time and I actually ended up pregnant, now I know that’s on us both but I can’t help that I felt let down by the promise he made to have it done. He would get very angry if I would ask or bring it up.
The pregnancy and the only fans really messed me up and for months iv felt in a very dark place. He denied the only fans and shouted a lot of abuse at me until he finally had to give up the fight and try to do all the sorry’s so that I would take him back. Like a mug I have done this and I have tried so hard to get past it but I keep going back to a really dark place. These last 2 months had been better and I tried to push past this because we have all our family looking forward to this wedding. However I was ordering a take away the other day and I see he had recently searched petite slim brunettes and I’m like what the hell !
He went crazy at me said I’m accusing him of this stuff that he didn’t do and so I decided to tell him that I wanted him to delete all of the photos of myself from his phone we was then in some crazy situation of pulling the phone from my hand in a aggressive way.
I said iv had enough if he wants to look up naked girls pay for them then he doesn’t need mine ! I wanted to take that away from him for my own self respect and feelings I asked before and he said no and so that’s why this time we was in a crazy pulling phone situation. This Makes me feel so stupid. I’m so upset. Iv not even spoken to him now in 2 days while his sleeping on the sofa like the victim. We are due to marry in 2 weeks and I’m back in this horrible dark place. I know his not going to change his a compulsive lier and there is so much more horrible stories I could tell. I feel so sad I don’t know why I love him. I don’t know what I’m even doing. He thinks his such a good guy because as his says his never cheated on me I’m acting like his cheated on me he will say. I feel like im
going crazy my poor children and looking forward to this holiday. I was looking forward to it I spent a lot of money on my dress and I’m just doing this now for all the wrong reasons.

I know it’s wrong but I can’t help but just feel like it helps me if he can have the decency to admit this but he won’t he just wants to carry on lying to my face

He has 3 kids with you already and still sees you just as one of the girls?
How did you end up like this

A few years ago we were meant to go to a friends wedding abroad - we had booked flights, accomodation, car rental, etc. the bride and groom cancelled a couple of weeks before. Some people went anyway and had a holiday, we were able to get refunds for most of our stuff so we decided not to go. Just to say, not a cell in my body thought they should have got married just because the wedding was planned and people had made arrangements- I thought. They were so proud to do the right thing even though it must have been difficult and embarrassing. Five years on they are both with other people and much, much happier.

don’t feel you have to go through with it - you can walk away, it’s ok.

Honestly OP, he sounds absolutely rotten🤮
A total manchild with zero accountability.

I wouldn’t be able to allow my children to grow up knowing I accepted that for myself and neither should you.

NEVER marry someone in debt either - biggest mistake you could ever make, they will bring you down with them.

I’d be making my plans to move away from him for good.

You're AMAZING OP, well done.

The way he is behaving and throwing you under the bus to try to save face says it all! You made the right decision!

You have done the right thing and any reasonable guest would know you wouldn’t have cancelled it lightly. Sometimes in life we have to make very difficult decisions.

I once went to a wedding that should have been cancelled. The bride looked miserable and annoyed. The groom didn’t look happy either. We all knew the marriage wasn’t going to last because of those vibes they couldn’t squish down. And not long afterwards they were divorced.

I’m glad he won’t admit what he’s done and I’m glad he hasn’t apologised and promised to change. Because I fear you’d forgive him and marry him if he did.And that would be a huge mistake.

Stay strong OP.

He’s such a coward OP.
He prefers all his family to think badly of you rather than tell the truth about his own character. That tells you everything.
He wants to carry on with the wedding plans, not because he has any respect or care for you or integrity himself, but because he can’t bare for people to know the truth. He would rather lie about and cast you on a bad light than lose face.

You have been amazing to do this. Well done for giving yourself and the children a good chance at a good life now. Very brave!
I promise you, things will come right for you. Lean on your family and friends now. And stand up for the truth whenever you get the chance.

They haven’t left home yet and they don’t need to. All they’ll think is poor you that the wedding fell through. Don’t go through with it and tether yourself to this arsehole - choose freedom and a nicer life. Your future self, which is just the same you as now, will than l you for finally having out a stop to all the nonsense. If you stick with it I guarantee you’ll be cursing yourself and finding it even harder to extricate yourself from the man. Do it now. Not later. Sooner is easier.

100%. Do this.

His mates commented on your body?? You should have known then op that's disgusting

Leave him. Letting him away with it will lead to real life cheating

This is the best news, I'm so proud. Keep going, cancel everything. You will not regret it. Keep going, do not let him change your mind. Give your passport to your friend if you're not going for just the holiday. You can save yourself and he does not need to agree with any of it. Leave him to gaslight himself. Do it for your children.

I think it’s awesome that 73 of the wedding guests are his family and friends that he has now screwed over by being such a shitty person. I hope every single one has paid something non cancellable and that’s all on him. Make sure your cancel message says something like ‘because <ex name> has been consistently paying for sex as well as interactions on only fans. (He didn’t use that viagra for wanking alone) I’m very sorry for any inconvenience his shitty behaviour has caused but I’m also grateful I’ve seen the true him before committing to a marriage. I wish you all well.’

Thank goodness you aren’t sleepwalking into this life of being miserable and treated like shit, walk away and be free. There are so many better men out there.

most of his friends and their partners /wives will know what he's like.

his family will either be lieing to themselves or know what he's like.

the 'I don't know how you got her' comments are about his character,

the 'you'll be a laughing stock' will only be true if you continue with the wedding, I'm betting a lot of people will be happy you're finally seeing what he's at

Of course you can cancel.

Please don't get married to a porn addicted liar.

If his porn use is this bad before marriage, he'll be much worse when you are married- and far worse once kids are on the scene.

Tell other people now before you back out of really cancelling.
There is no happy ending with this man, just more onlyfans, cheating, debts, lies, gaslighting and shouting.

He sounds awful.

Please raise the bar. For you and your children.

You're beautiful and have your whole life ahead of you!!!

There are nice men out there, who will respect you and not be arseholes like this guy...

If you stay with this idiot, you're missing out on the life you should be having?

Don't do it. Why do women put up with shit and expect nothing better? I say this as an old crone. I truly think hormones fog up our brains when we are young. Leave this man he is not worth your effort and he doesn't deserve your time. He can save his only fans pennies for child support and look forward to telling his children he got dumped because he was a selfish fool.

He said he will say it how it is that I have called it off because he can’t admit to this Google search and that I will be a laughing stock.

Only you won't be, because telling them that will make him the laughing stock. He is scum and the only people who will be on his side are too, so you don't need to care what they think.
I won't say do it for you,because he's done a number on you and you dont't care enough about yourself- but you do care about your kids!
Look after your children and protect them. Protect them from seeing a relationship this way and thinking it's right.
Protect them from bailiffs turning up scaring them.
Protect them from potentially going without because daddy doesn't give a shit and spends all the money.
Protect them from mummy having to sell her stuff to buy them presents because daddy doesn't care enough to put them first. Protect them from losing their home which you will if you marry him.
He won't put them first, but you will.
Better to set up on your own where their lives will be much more stable.

You say yourself you've given him everything, so you aren't the one who has failed- he is.
I promise further down the line you'll look back and realise it was the best thing to leave- don't get trapped in sunk cost fallacy x

OP you don't need his permission to break up.

You don't need a big reason to break up.

You are allowed to choose to walk away from this for absolutely any reason you like. It's your life.

This helped me a lot: https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/you-dont-have-to-hate-someone-or-no-longer-love-them-in-order-to-break-up/

The bailiffs knocking for his debts would be enough for me to run for the hills without the other stuff. Even more reason not to tie yourself to him you would be poor forever. You are dodging a bullet by dumping this loser. Well done!

@Strawberrylatte you’re right - anyone who knows you will know this is not on you. And anyone who doesn’t? Well, who cares? It doesn’t matter what they think and it doesn’t matter if he lies. You have no control over what anyone else does or thinks so just focus on you and a less dramatic life without him holding you back.

I don’t know how to go about the holiday the holiday is in my name thank god. I will need to see if I can change hotel, I know his family will still go on the the holiday and I can’t be at the same hotel it would be so horrible for me I wouldn’t enjoy myself at all and I want to still take my children on holiday and not let them down on that to. Problem is my partner is on the booking and also his son I have no problem still taking his son on the holiday with me but I don’t think that will happen. Do you think people can change hotels so late ? He brought me in a coffee this morning then called me asking if I dropped his sons coat off to his ex house and I said I had dropped it to his school and about our cat litter! Literally nothing I think he doesn’t know what to do and thinks things will just work out and I’ll still just go through with the wedding. I think he knows now he can’t even admit it because iv told him I’m more about about the lies to my face and the verbal abuse

Have you told your guests that you're cancelling? That's the first thing to do today. When he realises you've cancelled everything, he will have to accept that you're serious and the wedding isn't going ahead.

As far as hotels go, I'm sure you can change hotels but it might cost you. I wouldn't take his son with you, either. That's not on you. Look after your own kids.

But, first things first, tell your guests it's off. They will need to work out what to do regarding their flights and bookings.