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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner on only fans , we marry in weeks.

248 replies

Strawberrylatte · 24/09/2024 01:06

I really don’t know what to do.
In April I found out my partner has been paying for only fans while we plan our wedding. I found this out from his credit card. I was very upset and I feel so hurt and angry. He gets what he needs from me , I send him those kind of photos / videos myself and I absolute hate to come across like I think I’m great, I don’t but my photos are up there with the kind of girls on only fans. I’m confident and I always get compliments and take pride in my body, his friends even make funny comments on how he got with a girl like me. It’s knocked my confidence completely now and I feel sad. Like what he gets from me clearly isn’t enough that he needs to go and pay for it !
I don’t understand why on earth he is paying for this ! We was really struggling over Christmas we had no money and we have 3 children , I’m sad because he knew how hard I was trying to get them presents ,
I was selling all my old clothes for example because he would constantly tell me how broke he is because of all the bills his having to pay but he was able to pay for other women. Let me add a week after I found this out I found out I was pregnant and I ended up in hospital because it was an ectopic.
I had to go for surgery and have my tube removed. I was also very upset with this because he promised me he would have the snip before we even decided to have our last baby and he then wouldn’t go through with he complained about using condoms and I was having problems with the pill it was making me so miserable I would bleed all the time and I actually ended up pregnant, now I know that’s on us both but I can’t help that I felt let down by the promise he made to have it done. He would get very angry if I would ask or bring it up.
The pregnancy and the only fans really messed me up and for months iv felt in a very dark place. He denied the only fans and shouted a lot of abuse at me until he finally had to give up the fight and try to do all the sorry’s so that I would take him back. Like a mug I have done this and I have tried so hard to get past it but I keep going back to a really dark place. These last 2 months had been better and I tried to push past this because we have all our family looking forward to this wedding. However I was ordering a take away the other day and I see he had recently searched petite slim brunettes and I’m like what the hell !
He went crazy at me said I’m accusing him of this stuff that he didn’t do and so I decided to tell him that I wanted him to delete all of the photos of myself from his phone we was then in some crazy situation of pulling the phone from my hand in a aggressive way.
I said iv had enough if he wants to look up naked girls pay for them then he doesn’t need mine ! I wanted to take that away from him for my own self respect and feelings I asked before and he said no and so that’s why this time we was in a crazy pulling phone situation. This Makes me feel so stupid. I’m so upset. Iv not even spoken to him now in 2 days while his sleeping on the sofa like the victim. We are due to marry in 2 weeks and I’m back in this horrible dark place. I know his not going to change his a compulsive lier and there is so much more horrible stories I could tell. I feel so sad I don’t know why I love him. I don’t know what I’m even doing. He thinks his such a good guy because as his says his never cheated on me I’m acting like his cheated on me he will say. I feel like im
going crazy my poor children and looking forward to this holiday. I was looking forward to it I spent a lot of money on my dress and I’m just doing this now for all the wrong reasons.

OP posts:
Mmhmmn · 24/09/2024 01:21

Don’t marry a compulsive liar who shouts at you and gaslights you. Finding this out is the universe / your guardian angel helping you to avoid a shit marriage. Just tell him it’s over and move onto better, nicer things.

lemonadeck · 24/09/2024 01:28

Honey, do not marry this man. Your family will want you to be happy, loved and respected. You are currently not being given any of those things by this person. You are also setting the bar for what your children accept from their own future partners, set that bar high and refuse to accept anyone less than that. You do not require a project, you deserve a life of love and trust and genuineness. Walk away now before you become any more stuck. Far easier before marriage believe me. Speak to friends and family who will be there for you and do not look back.

Floralnomad · 24/09/2024 01:29

He is horrible and abusive so cancel the wedding and tell him to leave .

Strawberrylatte · 24/09/2024 01:29

@Mmhmmn It’s so strange how you said this to me because it’s exactly what I have been saying to my mum and myself that the universe/ something keeps giving me signs to not go through with this wedding it’s constant over and over again the signs the wedding plans going wrong so many things to the lead up and I keep pushing the signs away. We fly abroad for this wedding in 2 weeks. What will be enough for me to just see!

OP posts:
AimieDaisy · 24/09/2024 01:41

I know you’re likely to go ahead with the wedding, but I feel like everything happens for a reason, and I think you know deep down this isn’t the right thing to do.

He’s thinking he’s a good man because he hasn’t cheated, but in a way he has. He’s sought out sexual gratification from someone outside of the relationship. He put his sexual desires above you and your children, knowing how you were selling your things for Christmas presents while he was purchasing content from other women. Surely he sees how messed up that is?

Some men, you can give them everything. You could be the most beautiful women on earth, sexually available etc etc, but they just want more. They want more because they’re entitled idiots who have a misogynistic attitude.

XChrome · 24/09/2024 01:42

Dump this asshole, but before you do, make sure to delete all the intimate photos he has of you and never give any man those kind of photos again. You are vulnerable to revenge porn if you do.
I think it's worth some soul searching as to why you think you have to compete with porn. You should never be made to feel that insecure and objectified. It's a red flag for a toxic relationship and potential abuse. As you see by his shouting at you, he is emotionally abusive.
Your worth is not about how you compare to OF or how willing you are to allow a man to objectify you. Please internalize that.

XChrome · 24/09/2024 01:44

Strawberrylatte · 24/09/2024 01:29

@Mmhmmn It’s so strange how you said this to me because it’s exactly what I have been saying to my mum and myself that the universe/ something keeps giving me signs to not go through with this wedding it’s constant over and over again the signs the wedding plans going wrong so many things to the lead up and I keep pushing the signs away. We fly abroad for this wedding in 2 weeks. What will be enough for me to just see!

Then just put a stop to it. Do it now. Never marry if you are unsure.

Strawberrylatte · 24/09/2024 01:48

We have 90 people coming to our wedding abroad ! We have 2 weeks to go! I can’t sleep I’m feeling so depressed with this my headache is unreal ! x

OP posts:
thebestinterest · 24/09/2024 01:49

So if you found out that he was on only fans BACK IN APRIL, why the hell did you continue to not only plan, but be in a relationship with this person?

Strawberrylatte · 24/09/2024 01:52

@thebestinterest because I’m clearly a weak idiot basically and let myself fall into the hope that he won’t ever do anything like this again but just seeing that simple Google search that he just done the other day sent me straight back into the reality that this is what he will continue to do and I was wrong to think it was possible he wouldn’t already be thinking to be disrespectful.

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 24/09/2024 01:57

He sounds awful OP. He clearly can't tell the truth and isn't showing respect for your feelings or boundaries. This man does not deserve you. Or any woman If he behaves this way.
Please do not marry him. Quite the opposite.
He's not doing these things for any reasons other than he's selfish and doesn't think he's in the wrong.
Having a very beautiful appearance, 'sexy' looks etc doesn't mean a man won't treat you badly.
Someone decent will love you for your character and personality. I hope you can be strong and get away from him.

lovemyboyz247 · 24/09/2024 01:57

You are not a weak idiot OP. But please don't marry this person. You deserve better than this Flowers

honestasever · 24/09/2024 02:02

Look, you say you don’t know what to do, but I think you do.
You absolutely DO know what to do but the reality of doing it is all consuming.

Calling off the wedding and dumping him is the right thing to do but it will be absolutely awful. However, if you don’t, you know you are making a huge mistake.

Thinking about it is the worst bit, and the longer you leave it the worse it will be. Make the decision and do it now.
The fallout will be bad, accept it, roll with it and know that long term, you have absolutely done the right thing.

You can do this xxx

Strawberrylatte · 24/09/2024 02:04

Let me say a little porn here and there I can move past that and yes it’s not a nice thought but it feels a little different ,
It’s the paying for it and while we was struggling , I mean we was struggling at the time so much that he even needed to use his credit card because the money wasn’t in the bank that’s how desperate he was to pay for it. I know also you can ask for personal videos direct messages that’s what you get from payment otherwise why wouldn’t you just go and get free porn online and I’ll never have the answers on what he was actually paying for. I feel stupid to that at the very same time he was doing this he was asking for photos of me and I’m putting all the effort in like an absolute fool. Honestly the worst part I feel is the lieing and abuse I get when iv confronted him. He talks awful when his the one who’s done wrong he gaslights everything makes it about me. I’m a snooper he calls me and a picker !

OP posts:
thebestinterest · 24/09/2024 03:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

thebestinterest · 24/09/2024 03:59

Strawberrylatte · 24/09/2024 01:52

@thebestinterest because I’m clearly a weak idiot basically and let myself fall into the hope that he won’t ever do anything like this again but just seeing that simple Google search that he just done the other day sent me straight back into the reality that this is what he will continue to do and I was wrong to think it was possible he wouldn’t already be thinking to be disrespectful.

So what’s YOUR plan op? Are you going to drag him to the alter?

Shoemadlady · 24/09/2024 04:09

If you marry this man you are going to regret it forever. It feels very hard to leave now, with a wedding in two weeks but it's much harder to leave once you're married, believe me.
Run for the hills and always go with your gut instinct!

TheUsualChaos · 24/09/2024 04:15

If you marry him you are just setting yourself up for the inevitable traumatic divorce further down the line. Either that or you end up in a miserable marriage knowing you can't trust him and he doesn't respect you. He won't change.

You need to cancel this wedding. You know you do. Have you told anyone about any of it? Can you ask family/friends to help you contact all the guests? It will feel awful but it will be temporary and those close to you that really matter will understand.

MosaDiCello · 24/09/2024 04:26

Strawberrylatte · 24/09/2024 01:29

@Mmhmmn It’s so strange how you said this to me because it’s exactly what I have been saying to my mum and myself that the universe/ something keeps giving me signs to not go through with this wedding it’s constant over and over again the signs the wedding plans going wrong so many things to the lead up and I keep pushing the signs away. We fly abroad for this wedding in 2 weeks. What will be enough for me to just see!

Listen to those signs! I was in the same situation as you slightly different my fiancé at the time was constantly watching porn. Also a liar but was using the I have never cheated on you card. We then married even though I had more than enough signs to not go through with it and I ignored them because like you everyone was coming so much money had been spent. Three years later I'm here on my own raising a one year old because guess what he didn't change, he carried on lying to me, went to Thailand and slept with a prostitute while I was pregnant and so on. So save yourself a miserable marriage it is harder to untangle a marriage than a break up. All the best in your decision xxx

Wallywobbles · 24/09/2024 04:33

My exh was like this. The universe was also telling me not to do it. I fucking did and I spent so much of mental health in him. Just please don't do it to yourself. Because marriage make it 100 times worse to get away from.

passiveaggressivenonsense · 24/09/2024 04:36

Going a little against the grain here. If you marry him will you be more financially secure if you separate ? Do you or he own a house ? Are your children from different relationships or both of yours ? Which of you is the higher earner ? It's a cynical approach but worth considering. Will you and your children be in a better position separating from a married partner or unmarried ?

LolleePop · 24/09/2024 04:51

If you have been putting up with his abuse, his shouting, his porn addiction, his financial debt, his unsupportiveness towards you and your children, his mean behaviour, his gaslighting, his bullying, his shouting, his demeaning behaviour towards you, and you say there is lots more on top of that that has gone on, and you are STILL agreeing to marry him, then you have such cripplingly low self esteem that you are at risk of walking in to this wedding and marrying this lying, cheating, shouting, abusive addict instead of prioritising the sanity and happiness of yourself and your children.
What you need to do is cancel the wedding, make him move out, tell every single guest about his disgusting behaviour - compose a text or email detailing all the reasons you can't go through with the wedding- and I mean literally tell them all about his behaviour - and send it to all of them, apologise to them all for the cancellation of the wedding but say that you can't sacrifice any more years of your life to this man, tell them you are prioritising your children and their mental health because no-one can argue with that, tell your family everything about him so that they support you and are on your side, and contact a charity that helps women in your situation.
End this wedding for you. And you have an enormous responsibility as a mother to end this relationship for your children - don't let them grow up watching their mother be a victimof abuse.
And this dark place you describe that you keep slipping in to - he has put you there through his lying and his porn addiction and his abusive behaviour towards you. This dark place you're in will carry on and get worse if you stay with him.
GET OUT NOW.

www.google.com/search?q=charity+for+women+whose+partners+are+addicted+to+porn&oq=charity+for+women+whose+partners+are+addicted+to+porn&gs_lcrp=EgZjaHJvbWUyBggAEEUYOdIBCTIxNjQ5ajBqN6gCFLACAQ&client=ms-android-samsung-ss&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8&chrome_dse_attribution=1

LunaNorth · 24/09/2024 04:51

Strawberrylatte · 24/09/2024 01:29

@Mmhmmn It’s so strange how you said this to me because it’s exactly what I have been saying to my mum and myself that the universe/ something keeps giving me signs to not go through with this wedding it’s constant over and over again the signs the wedding plans going wrong so many things to the lead up and I keep pushing the signs away. We fly abroad for this wedding in 2 weeks. What will be enough for me to just see!

Am I right in thinking your mum knows everything? What does she say you should do?

plasticpeony · 24/09/2024 04:54

passiveaggressivenonsense · 24/09/2024 04:36

Going a little against the grain here. If you marry him will you be more financially secure if you separate ? Do you or he own a house ? Are your children from different relationships or both of yours ? Which of you is the higher earner ? It's a cynical approach but worth considering. Will you and your children be in a better position separating from a married partner or unmarried ?

I thought this too. If you're not contractually better off separating from a marriage then do not marry him. How are you going to cancel? You can go for the holiday, enjoy your guests with a huge apology and move forward. No one wants you married to the wrong person, make it a thing, be honest own it. It will be the non wedding, wedding holiday and then you can move on to a better future.

MouseMama · 24/09/2024 05:04

You’re not happy with this man so don’t marry him.

None of your guests want you to be stuck in a miserable marriage because they bought a plane ticket.

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