Partner on only fans , we marry in weeks.

[Strawberrylatte]

I really don’t know what to do.
In April I found out my partner has been paying for only fans while we plan our wedding. I found this out from his credit card. I was very upset and I feel so hurt and angry. He gets what he needs from me , I send him those kind of photos / videos myself and I absolute hate to come across like I think I’m great, I don’t but my photos are up there with the kind of girls on only fans. I’m confident and I always get compliments and take pride in my body, his friends even make funny comments on how he got with a girl like me. It’s knocked my confidence completely now and I feel sad. Like what he gets from me clearly isn’t enough that he needs to go and pay for it !
I don’t understand why on earth he is paying for this ! We was really struggling over Christmas we had no money and we have 3 children , I’m sad because he knew how hard I was trying to get them presents ,
I was selling all my old clothes for example because he would constantly tell me how broke he is because of all the bills his having to pay but he was able to pay for other women. Let me add a week after I found this out I found out I was pregnant and I ended up in hospital because it was an ectopic.
I had to go for surgery and have my tube removed. I was also very upset with this because he promised me he would have the snip before we even decided to have our last baby and he then wouldn’t go through with he complained about using condoms and I was having problems with the pill it was making me so miserable I would bleed all the time and I actually ended up pregnant, now I know that’s on us both but I can’t help that I felt let down by the promise he made to have it done. He would get very angry if I would ask or bring it up.
The pregnancy and the only fans really messed me up and for months iv felt in a very dark place. He denied the only fans and shouted a lot of abuse at me until he finally had to give up the fight and try to do all the sorry’s so that I would take him back. Like a mug I have done this and I have tried so hard to get past it but I keep going back to a really dark place. These last 2 months had been better and I tried to push past this because we have all our family looking forward to this wedding. However I was ordering a take away the other day and I see he had recently searched petite slim brunettes and I’m like what the hell !
He went crazy at me said I’m accusing him of this stuff that he didn’t do and so I decided to tell him that I wanted him to delete all of the photos of myself from his phone we was then in some crazy situation of pulling the phone from my hand in a aggressive way.
I said iv had enough if he wants to look up naked girls pay for them then he doesn’t need mine ! I wanted to take that away from him for my own self respect and feelings I asked before and he said no and so that’s why this time we was in a crazy pulling phone situation. This Makes me feel so stupid. I’m so upset. Iv not even spoken to him now in 2 days while his sleeping on the sofa like the victim. We are due to marry in 2 weeks and I’m back in this horrible dark place. I know his not going to change his a compulsive lier and there is so much more horrible stories I could tell. I feel so sad I don’t know why I love him. I don’t know what I’m even doing. He thinks his such a good guy because as his says his never cheated on me I’m acting like his cheated on me he will say. I feel like im
going crazy my poor children and looking forward to this holiday. I was looking forward to it I spent a lot of money on my dress and I’m just doing this now for all the wrong reasons.

Please don't go through with it! Your self-esteem is practically nonexistent right now because of all of his disgusting and dishonourable behaviour but you need to gather your strength and courage and cancel the wedding! Please, OP. I believe in you and so do all of the other Mumsnetters. You cannot tie yourself to this horrible man. ❤️

Don’t marry him op, the misery will continue. He will never prioritise you or his children if he will be spending on this while you are struggling to buy them Christmas presents- that alone shows how little he cares and how you are always going to be the only one to put them first. Cancel the wedding. Do it now, send a text to as many people as you have on your phone easily saying I’m sorry for the inconvenience but the wedding is off, please do whatever you want with the tickets and again I’m really sorry. We haven’t yet sorted out any details but will be asap, and trying to contact everyone.

I wouldn't mind porn, but would definitely mind only fans. Does he go on video with women? I'd consider that cheating.

I think the cost of it is a red herring. You're obviously very wealthy people to be able to afford a wedding abroad with 90 guests.

Yes, it will be awkward to cancel it, people might gossip and you will lose money. But that's much better than marrying an asshole. Have the self respect and love to ask this liar to leave your life.

That said, sadly I predict he'll give you some bullshit apology which you'll accept and go through with the wedding. So maybe have a look at divorce lawyers/budget for them so you're prepared for the day he properly cheats on you.

What would you say to a good friend in your situation?

Horrendous though calling off a wedding is, marrying him is going to cause you nothing but misery, trouble and pain. Years of it.

Your family and friends will get over a cancelled wedding. People understand. Don’t put yourself through a wedding to save face.

It doesn’t sound like it considering op is selling stuff to pay off debts. Don’t get caught up in sunk cost fallacies. I get your guests will be pissed off with you for calling off the wedding. They’re not going to be less so if you split 6 months post wedding.

I feel like I’m wasting time on this because somehow I feel you’re going to go ahead with the wedding no matter what, but how you feel right now is how you will likely feel throughout the duration of your marriage. He won’t change. He will do this again. And again. And again. He might get bored of OF too and find a “friend at work” or something else predictable like that. These low moral men are pretty much cookie cutter cliches.

You could either marry him and continue to be disappointed, having your self worth depreciating each time he lies, lets you down or is abusive again. All that time your kids will be seeing how to treat women / how men should treat them.

Or you could cancel the wedding. Which is on him by the way, not you. Could your guests get any money back from their pre booked flights and hotels? Or everyone can still go and have a holiday?

Or if he’s worth that much to you, you can always postpone the wedding. Let everyone know why. Don’t you be taking any responsibility. You don’t need to delve into details, just say he’s lied to you more than once and it’s not right to marry him right now. Or ever (preferably).

I feel for you, I really do, but honestly give yourself a shake. If you were your daughter, would you want her marrying him?

Go ahead and marry him but this will be your life forever. He won't change.

I wouldn't go through with a wedding to save face.... It's just a tangle to divorce later.

What do your best pals /family perception of him?? (without the knowledge re only fans?)...

I'm sure it will cost you more in divorce than cancelled wedding...

My cousin cancelled her wedding with 10 days to go... Of course they lost money BUT all her pals helped with ringing people... It took less than a day to cancel.

You can think up a phrase to tell /mail /text people.

All the businesses would have thought one well thought out paragraph would do editing accordingly. And ask them to confirm they understand you have cancelled etc...

NEVER ignore signs from the universe or your own gut! At this point you know the wedding is a bad idea but maybe will go through with it simply as it’s all booked and paid for? Dump him and take a holiday with your friends and family, go on the trip but don’t get married! You’ll regret it if you do.

Ditch him - and send him no more revealing photos of yourself for goodness sake. That is so bad, once a photo is on the internet it's there for life.

A grown woman sends vulgar degrading pictures of herself to a perv because a perv gets off on them and then she is surprised he is out to get more pictures like that from other people? Do you know that 'intimate' pictures are porn stills? And you plan to marry him???? And you already had children with him? You need to extricate yourself from this situation and find somebody to have great physical love with, without the porn stills or videos. Find some respect for yourself and take it from there.

And before anyone says anything, I know, I know, I am off, back to my XIXth century, where people date, then marry, then have kids and don't participate in porn, motion or motionless.

This isn't just about sexual betrayal, it is also about a spending habit that will have financial implications for your future. If he is happy to spend joint money doing this how do you feel. Ultimately, I'd bin that one. I find this highly disrespectful.

Hi OP
I'm sorry that your DP is behaving this way so close to your wedding. It must be heart breaking for you.

What you need to consider, is marriage isn't a magic bandaid. You won't get married and all of a sudden he's a changed man.

He has been showing you who he is for some time now and it's up to you whether or not you want to marry him and give it a go.

What can he bring to this marriage?

Remember the wedding is one day, the marraige is potentially for life. Divorce is never pretty and I think if you married him under the illusion that if you separated you may be financially better off could be a mistake.

Your friends and family would want you to be happy. Your wedding day should be a happy occasion not done under a huge cloud like this! They won't be angry with you they will support you.

My SIL jilted her ex fiancé at the alter. So it's never too late!

Only you can make the decision OP, but if it was me I would be planning to cancel our wedding and move forward without him, the only fans and his abusive attitude towards you is a massive red flag!

He sounds utterly shit, if you were my friend or sister or daughter I’d be so relived if you pulled out. Forget the cost. He is making you unhappy now, it won’t get better for being married, it’ll just become really hard to get rid of him later.

I hope you have took photos of all the "evidence" of what he has done just as back up if you need it.

I genuinely don't want to upset you or give you more to worry about, but I just had a fleeting thought of "I hope he hasn't put your photos on Only Fans and it's earning money through them" I don't know how it works, but might be worth looking into and DEFINITELY delete them from his phone, Google back up and any other storage apps he may have.

Very best of luck in whatever you decide to do

Why do you have 2 threads on this? Why, when he has treated you so badly and you have no money, would you spend money on a large wedding abroad.

Didn’t read your full post because when you said he was moaning about condoms it was enough for me to know he’s a complete prick and you should get rid of him. Three kids and he behaves like this?? He sounds about 16.
gey rid of him op. He is toxic in your life. Don’t settle for this…

Yuk. Try and get all your photos back then leave him. What a creep. And never send those sorts of photos or videos again.

This won't get better. Dump him and rebuild your life.

what a horrible situation. Everyone saying cancel and yes that’s the best thing, but 90 people flying abroad for your wedding, I’m not sure I’d want to go through with cancelling that either. I guess if you do marry him, you might as well start saving for the inevitable divorce. The gaslighting and shouting abuse at you when he’s the one in the wrong is the worse in my opinion. He won’t stop behaving like this, so I guess you need to make a very difficult decision.

Only fans is the least of your issues in this relationship.

Oh OP.

It is going to be much much easier in the long run for you to leave him if you don't marry him.

You don't have to marry him. Yes the wedding is booked and paid for but anyone who loves you will understand if you cancel. Your bridesmaid or sister/brother could do all the contacting the guests so you don't have to.

The wedding is one day but you really don't want to be married to this man.

If you do marry him you will then live the same life or his behaviour might even get worse.

You have a duty to show your children that they don't have to put up with abuse.

Please do take care. If you do go ahead then there are still ways to escape.

Consider contacting women's aid for advice.

Op please don't marry this person.

I get the very strong, distinct impression that OP will read all these replies and then go through with the wedding.

I am very worried about whether you would be in a better situation being married to him or not? So unless you have already had legal addvice on that, please see a solicitor as soon as possible in the next few days. If you didn't already have children with him I would just be saying like many others just throw him out - stay in your home with the children.

However, because the wedding/holiday is in two weeks, I think that you should just carry on as normal with him and get on that plane. If the solicitor advised you to marry him then go ahead and do that, and if you can bear it (I will probably be shot down in flames for this by Mumsnetters) have sex with him once after the ceremony, and not when he is drunk - but you could be a bit tipsy - so that he can't just get the marriage annulled. If this is out of date information (I am old) I'm sure that many on here will tell you, or ask your solicitor about that as well.

If the news is good in that you don't need to marry him for your and your childrens future security, then I think that because of the nearness of the wedding and the fact hat people will have spent a lot of money on it - as have you - don't say anything to anyone else about your intentions as the news would get out.

So go on your holiday, wear your beautiful dress on your 'wedding' day, walk down the Isle or stroll to the beach if it is a beach wedding, smile at everyone including the groom, and then when the marriage celebrant ask you if you will take your husband's hand in marriage, say a very gentle - but loud enough - sorry no, I can't, and then if you have the courage, and again staying calm, explain to everyone there exactly why you can't marry him.

If you can't face giving the explanation yourself, is there anyone on your side of the wedding party who can give the explanation for you, eg mum, dad, sister, brother, best friend, who you will have had to explain the situation to - maybe the night before?

I promise you that I am not normally devious or manipulative, and I also don't write for soap dramas on the TV, but this is the only way I can think of for you to still get the holiday, the reception party afterwards, and to wear your lovely dress.

By the way, if he wants to have sex with you in the meantime, you can tell him that you want to abstain now until the wedding night, in order to add a little more excitement to the "Day" itself.
Very good luck @Strawberrylatte at getting brilliant legal advice on what will be best for both your children and you, and for you wanting to follow through with it. 🍷🍸🍹