Partner on only fans , we marry in weeks.

[Strawberrylatte]

I really don’t know what to do.
In April I found out my partner has been paying for only fans while we plan our wedding. I found this out from his credit card. I was very upset and I feel so hurt and angry. He gets what he needs from me , I send him those kind of photos / videos myself and I absolute hate to come across like I think I’m great, I don’t but my photos are up there with the kind of girls on only fans. I’m confident and I always get compliments and take pride in my body, his friends even make funny comments on how he got with a girl like me. It’s knocked my confidence completely now and I feel sad. Like what he gets from me clearly isn’t enough that he needs to go and pay for it !
I don’t understand why on earth he is paying for this ! We was really struggling over Christmas we had no money and we have 3 children , I’m sad because he knew how hard I was trying to get them presents ,
I was selling all my old clothes for example because he would constantly tell me how broke he is because of all the bills his having to pay but he was able to pay for other women. Let me add a week after I found this out I found out I was pregnant and I ended up in hospital because it was an ectopic.
I had to go for surgery and have my tube removed. I was also very upset with this because he promised me he would have the snip before we even decided to have our last baby and he then wouldn’t go through with he complained about using condoms and I was having problems with the pill it was making me so miserable I would bleed all the time and I actually ended up pregnant, now I know that’s on us both but I can’t help that I felt let down by the promise he made to have it done. He would get very angry if I would ask or bring it up.
The pregnancy and the only fans really messed me up and for months iv felt in a very dark place. He denied the only fans and shouted a lot of abuse at me until he finally had to give up the fight and try to do all the sorry’s so that I would take him back. Like a mug I have done this and I have tried so hard to get past it but I keep going back to a really dark place. These last 2 months had been better and I tried to push past this because we have all our family looking forward to this wedding. However I was ordering a take away the other day and I see he had recently searched petite slim brunettes and I’m like what the hell !
He went crazy at me said I’m accusing him of this stuff that he didn’t do and so I decided to tell him that I wanted him to delete all of the photos of myself from his phone we was then in some crazy situation of pulling the phone from my hand in a aggressive way.
I said iv had enough if he wants to look up naked girls pay for them then he doesn’t need mine ! I wanted to take that away from him for my own self respect and feelings I asked before and he said no and so that’s why this time we was in a crazy pulling phone situation. This Makes me feel so stupid. I’m so upset. Iv not even spoken to him now in 2 days while his sleeping on the sofa like the victim. We are due to marry in 2 weeks and I’m back in this horrible dark place. I know his not going to change his a compulsive lier and there is so much more horrible stories I could tell. I feel so sad I don’t know why I love him. I don’t know what I’m even doing. He thinks his such a good guy because as his says his never cheated on me I’m acting like his cheated on me he will say. I feel like im
going crazy my poor children and looking forward to this holiday. I was looking forward to it I spent a lot of money on my dress and I’m just doing this now for all the wrong reasons.

DO NOT DO IT

Only an idiot if you still go ahead with the wedding!!

But now you have added the detail about him being badly enough in debt for the bailiffs knocking at your door you really, really need to not marry him - or his debt will have a bigger impact on your credit ratings too than if you are simply living together.

Can you find out the value of the pension? Keep in mind that as he's young and presumably not earning much(?), it's unlikely to be worth much more than his debts.

The wedding guests will understand - perhaps you (or your side) can all have a fabulous holiday together, without him of course!

@MyNewNewlife and men. Both sexes are united that @Strawberrylatte should end this abusers power over her.

Hell no. Do not step down the aisle with this man. You absolutely can cancel this wedding, you absolutely should cancel this wedding and if you don't step up now you will regret this for a very long time. His debt will be yours. Step away. You do have the strength to cancel this. I believe in you.

even the other day I had the bailiff knocking! His in debt with credit cards that he used for only fans and parking fines.

Mate, he's such an all-round loser dragging you down and abusing you.

It sounds like there's not much to get from marrying him then.

Do you honestly think a person who will do this will wake up one day and suddenly stop?

And no one is getting photos on me or video I have more self respect than that, and no I don't care what others do but sending them to 'keep a man' is ridiculous which is how I think the op comes across

really need to not marry him - or his debt will have a bigger impact on your credit ratings too than if you are simply living together.

Yep.

Can you use the trip as a holiday, if you can't cancel without losing loads of money.

Oh okay so there's nothing to be gained financially from going through with it anyway. In that case, heed all the wise words on here and take this as your big break. It might seem easier to go through with it now but it's like ripping the plaster off. So much better to get out now and cut your losses. People can still go on their holidays without you needing to shackle yourself to this liar who doesn't respect you,

Rented house and he’s in debt?

Cut your losses. Do not marry him.

Everyone can still go and have a great holiday if they like. There just won’t be a wedding. It’s not the end of the world. I know it seems like a huge deal now, but it really isn’t. Everyone will get over it and by Christmas it will all be forgotten about.

do you havr anywhere to go your mums maybe? its triky beause its his friens house he wont turf him out will he

Ditch him and go on the holiday with the guests that still want to go. Call it your ‘Freedom Trip’ and give him the time you’re away to clear his stuff out and go.

I have just read your latest update.

Do it now. Talk to your Mum and do it TODAY.
I honestly suspect others are wondering why the hell you’re marrying him anyway.

I mean this from an understanding (I have been there) and genuine place but honestly, someone does keep giving you signs and it’s not some magical intervention or crazy coincidence - it’s him. He is an awful piece of work and therefore keeps doing awful things which mean you shouldn’t marry him! Because you shouldn’t marry someone awful!

and you’re not in love with him. Your trauma bonded to him and he’s diminished your self esteem. It’s not something special or wonderful or that you have a unique love. He’s abusive and you’re his victim. It’s textbook.

obviously don’t marry a man who is watching you scrabbling around to sell your stuff to buy Christmas presents for your children while he gives away money to wank off over random women on the internet.

If you leave this man, in a few years you’re going to wake up one day and be like what the actual fuck was I thinking being with that vermin.

and as for your photos - they’re gone. That’s what you do when you give away nude photos. You’re trying to force him to not be an arsehole by punishing him by taking them away. He doesn’t give a shit. Otherwise he wouldn’t be doing this in the first place.

fucking hell honestly the shit men get away with. Stand up girl and say no. I am not going to be treated this way bye motherfucker. And kick him the fuck out.

I genuinely have been where you are so im not judging you AT ALL. I literally just want to scream that yet another woman is sitting there feeling worthless while they’re bullied and belittled by someone to the point they are accepting behaviour that is CLEARLY unacceptable! I mean you’re here asking whether you should marry him - think about that. He’s twisted your mind SO much that you’re even asking this?!!

get up and go. Like draw a fucking line and say no.

After reading your update, I retract my earlier comment. There will be no practical advantage to marrying him. No house, no assets. In debt and spending his kids Christmas money on Only Fans. <boak>

Call the wedding off now OP. If you marry him you'll be setting yourself up for years of misery and be legally tied to him for quite some time.
He is obviously making you unhappy and from what you've said it doesn't seem his behaviour will ever change.
Tell everyone now and the reasons why, and most importantly hold your head up high. The fall out from your decision won't be easy, but once everything is out in the open people will understand and agree you've done the right thing.
I can't believe that anyone with a degree of common sense could ever think that a wedding should go ahead with everything that's going on in your life just because all the arrangements have been made.
I talk from some experience here - although a completely different set of circumstances. A family member married someone who obviously didn't want to marry her. Him calling the wedding off would have been upsetting at the time, but far easier for everyone (and ultimately saved a lot of money and hassle in the long run) had he had the courage to do so.
When guests found out a fortnight or so later there wasn't one of them who thought he had done the right thing.

Hitching yourself to somebody with so much debt that the bailiffs come knocking is the height of foolishness OP.
You simply must not do it.
You must protect yourself.

You will be legally responsible for his debt.
His debt will be your debt.
His poor character becomes your responsibility.
Your reputation will suffer.
Your credit rating will deteriorate.
He will wear you down to a shadow of yourself.

It will be a thousand times worse trying to extricate yourself through divorce than it is extricating yourself from the wedding plans today, right now.

I know that all your hopes and dreams are in this man but they are all misplaced. Misplaced for so long that it is has all been accumulating and has built up to this inevitable point. It is now crunch time.
You can put it off no longer.

I say again, go right now to confide in your mum that you can’t marry him.
You make that one important decision and stick to it.
Then let your loved ones help you by doing the rest. They can help you figure it all out for the best. Things will fall into place. The hurt will pass.
But please, don’t marry him.

You were selling/pawning stuff to have xmas presents 9 or so months ago ,,, abnd you are contemplating an overseas destination wedding in a couple of weeks? You have a fiance who blows his credit card balance on ONLY FANS and you're wondering?

Grow some power, lady ... and call off the wedding even if a few of your wedding guests have some trouble recouping their fares, etc.

Your bloke is an entitled misogynist tosser. Get out before yoor kids have a useless role model male parent.

His debts will become yours, the ones you know about and the ones you don't, your possessions will be fair game to the bailiffs, your credit rating will crash and you'll never be able to pass a credit check to rent alone.

Get out now, he will ruin your life.

If I was your friend/relative and I had spent hundreds buying flights, accommodation and clothes for your wedding and used annual leave to attend it I would be so happy for all of that to go to waste or just turn into a holiday for you to escape the ‘relationship’ you’re in.

Stop putting yourself down. Now. This is the last time you're hard on yourself.

You've made a huge leap forward in articulating to us, and more importantly to yourself just what is wrong in this relationship.

And not one of those things is you.

You're the woman who's created a family, kept out of debt, made a home.

Bailiffs at your door?! Because of his tart debt???

Can you rally close family and friends first and open up to them?

Prepare a clear, calm statement, setting out what exactly he has been doing.

The effect every aspect of his behaviour has on you.

And how anxious you are about what that will in turn do to your children.

(You've had good practice right here; start with your posts to us and refine them).

Then say for those reasons I've made my final decision to cancel the wedding.

At this point you'll discover who your real friends are!

Acknowledge and apologise for disappointment, costs they may have incurred.

Luckily it's a rented place - time to create a home for yourself and your children.

You may need someone with you when you tell him.

I do hope you'll find the courage - we support you.

He’s in debt too? You have nothing to gain by marrying him. Does he gamble too?

He'd rather put his partner through pain and distress rather than use a condom, what a selfish bastard, I would dump him for that alone, never mind the other stuff. He doesn't respect you,

So many times I wonder why I wasted 5 years with someone like that and why didn't I leave? I can relate to the trauma bonded/attachment and perhaps I didn't have a good role model of what a relationship should be like (my patents often argued like crazy and showed little affection to each other).

I now know that guy (back in the FHM days) was only with me for 1 thing and a housemaid. I read an old diary entry where I was excusing his awful behaviour and it made me want to shake my younger self.

Ditch him and have a holiday with friends and family.

This is the rest of your life your talking about here though. The 90 people will get over it. Don't marry him, he won't change. The bit about selling your clothes and having no money for presents for your kids while he's doing that makes him complete scum tbh.