Partner on only fans , we marry in weeks.

[Strawberrylatte]

I really don’t know what to do.
In April I found out my partner has been paying for only fans while we plan our wedding. I found this out from his credit card. I was very upset and I feel so hurt and angry. He gets what he needs from me , I send him those kind of photos / videos myself and I absolute hate to come across like I think I’m great, I don’t but my photos are up there with the kind of girls on only fans. I’m confident and I always get compliments and take pride in my body, his friends even make funny comments on how he got with a girl like me. It’s knocked my confidence completely now and I feel sad. Like what he gets from me clearly isn’t enough that he needs to go and pay for it !
I don’t understand why on earth he is paying for this ! We was really struggling over Christmas we had no money and we have 3 children , I’m sad because he knew how hard I was trying to get them presents ,
I was selling all my old clothes for example because he would constantly tell me how broke he is because of all the bills his having to pay but he was able to pay for other women. Let me add a week after I found this out I found out I was pregnant and I ended up in hospital because it was an ectopic.
I had to go for surgery and have my tube removed. I was also very upset with this because he promised me he would have the snip before we even decided to have our last baby and he then wouldn’t go through with he complained about using condoms and I was having problems with the pill it was making me so miserable I would bleed all the time and I actually ended up pregnant, now I know that’s on us both but I can’t help that I felt let down by the promise he made to have it done. He would get very angry if I would ask or bring it up.
The pregnancy and the only fans really messed me up and for months iv felt in a very dark place. He denied the only fans and shouted a lot of abuse at me until he finally had to give up the fight and try to do all the sorry’s so that I would take him back. Like a mug I have done this and I have tried so hard to get past it but I keep going back to a really dark place. These last 2 months had been better and I tried to push past this because we have all our family looking forward to this wedding. However I was ordering a take away the other day and I see he had recently searched petite slim brunettes and I’m like what the hell !
He went crazy at me said I’m accusing him of this stuff that he didn’t do and so I decided to tell him that I wanted him to delete all of the photos of myself from his phone we was then in some crazy situation of pulling the phone from my hand in a aggressive way.
I said iv had enough if he wants to look up naked girls pay for them then he doesn’t need mine ! I wanted to take that away from him for my own self respect and feelings I asked before and he said no and so that’s why this time we was in a crazy pulling phone situation. This Makes me feel so stupid. I’m so upset. Iv not even spoken to him now in 2 days while his sleeping on the sofa like the victim. We are due to marry in 2 weeks and I’m back in this horrible dark place. I know his not going to change his a compulsive lier and there is so much more horrible stories I could tell. I feel so sad I don’t know why I love him. I don’t know what I’m even doing. He thinks his such a good guy because as his says his never cheated on me I’m acting like his cheated on me he will say. I feel like im
going crazy my poor children and looking forward to this holiday. I was looking forward to it I spent a lot of money on my dress and I’m just doing this now for all the wrong reasons.

He won’t believe you are going through with it why he is bringing you a coffee and talking mundane stuff. He will be shitting himself about the 70 something family and friends that he will have to tell not to come.

Men are very shame avoidant I’ve found and he will be worrying more about that and hoping you will change your mind like the times before.

Baliffs at your door absolutely is the biggest reason I think to not marry this man. People like this don’t change. Perverted men and men that are this bad with money don’t change sadly. I saw a post yesterday about a guy who is in his 80s I think on here where the wife has found out he uses escorts and goes to sex parties. Just grim.

I’m confused.

You have actually cancelled the wedding, yes?

Call the holiday company and explain what happened. See what they can arrange for you. Just focus on yourself and your DC.

@cuddlebear Iv told my family yes iv not contacted the wedding company no. I will call east jet and see what they say. He most definitely hasn’t told any family members I can be sure. x

Why are you still there OP? It’s not just the wedding that needs to be cancelled but this whole miserable relationship.
He has absolutely no remorse or shame but you’re still running around after him .Covering for him making excuses and deep inside feeling as if it’s your fault, because he’s conditioned you to have no self esteem or confidence.
Its not easy disentangling lives but in the long term it’s better than being with someone who treats you so poorly.

Youve taken a massive brave step by cancelling this wedding . Keep up the momentum

Well done, op! Please tell all your people tomorrow so it's clear.

He probably doesn't believe it's not going ahead, because you've always been convenient - up til now.

Can you take your children away to stay with family?

You will regret marrying him BIG TIME Do not! You'll learn the hard way as you're too sympathetic towards him.

It’s so kind of you but I don’t think you should take his son on the holiday. Your ex fiancé will be shocked and angry, you risk him making some silly claim you’ve kidnapped him or whatever. His son needs to stay with his dad.

Have you actually cancelled the wedding? Sounds like you’ve only told your family hence why he still thinks you’re going to change your mind.

Stay strong. Just remember he won’t change. How he treats you, your daughters will see, and that will become the ‘normal way a man treats women’, thus they’re more likely to end up in similar relationships themselves in the future. Stay strong and be a role model for them, show them that raising their bar for behavioural expectations from a man is the norm, so they won’t tolerate this kind of shitty behaviour from their future partners. You got this xx

This ^

You need to get a good friend to help you call off the wedding.

I don’t mean to be harsh but ……

You have told him you can’t marry him but you haven’t told him the relationship is over or made plans to separate your lives. And you haven’t actually cancelled the wedding or had somebody else do it for you.

You are still fixated on the details and ignoring the bigger picture that he is nowhere good enough for you as a partner or father to your two little girls.
You are arguing about him not admitting he’s a deceitful, lying, gas-lighting betrayer and I have a feeling that if he did admit his latest of a long string of cheating, and then apologise, you would then still marry him.
Is that what you are holding out for OP? An empty apology and a flimsy promise that means absolutely nothing?
What about next time he does it? (which is likely to be as soon as he returns from the holiday)

He knows you so well. You told him you can’t marry him but he doesn’t take your words seriously. He argues a bit, gaslights you, ignores you, and puts you down then carries on as normal, knowing you said those words in a fit of pique but you’ll get over it.

You have given him free rein to act like a single man whilst you still serve him and run around after him. Business as normal in your household then.

He won’t cancel the wedding and he won’t move out. He is ignoring your feelings and words yet again. He’s moved on from your argument already.

Telling him and your one friend that you can’t marry him isn’t going to cut it OP.
It’s not going to make things any better for you and the girls in the future.
He isn’t going to improve your lives or enhance them for you. He’s a user.
He will diminish you even more, -wear you all down, and you will be stuck. If you ask him to leave, he will laugh in your face and say he isn’t going anywhere.

I strongly suspect that you won’t leave either because you won’t want to disrupt the girls and you really like living in that house.

I understand how this emotional turmoil drains your energy completely and leaves you feeling helpless because you don’t know what to do for the best so you just leave everything floating and make no decisions.

OP, if you really do want the relationship to be over you must ….
Be really clear in your own head that that’s what you want.
Tell your family and friends that the wedding and relationship are finally over.
Cancel the wedding service and wedding catering at the holiday hotel.
Change your flights and hotel for the three of you. Tell your family and friends to do the same.
Also tell his parents that it’s over.
Return your dress if you can.
Make plans to leave him.

I wish you the best whatever happens, but please don’t marry him.

How are you @Strawberrylatte ?

Started packing yet OP?

I suspect the wedding is going ahead.

@honestasever stop being a vulture. Real
people who post on here have real lives. If you’re that bored with your own… get a life. Almost all the posters have given @Strawberrylatte sound advice. Its up to her what she does with it.

I’m absolutely not a vulture and have posted a few times already on this thread with sound advice.

@Strawberrylatte been following and notice you’re booked with easyJet. I had a booking with them in summer with my stbxh. I got in touch with them via instagram as I had no luck on the customer service number. They were amazing. They changed hotel for me and my children - they actually upgraded us free of charge. They were amazing so maybe worth a try. Just to note this was only with a week to go til our holiday too. Good luck 💖

@Strawberrylatte hope you managed to get everything sorted and you and your children are now in a safe place away from him.

OP, did you marry him? I hope you’re ok

Yes I'm worried there's been no update and hope she's safe. Hopefully just busy moving out?

She will have married him. Let’s be real. It’s so hard to break away with kids and the pressure of a wedding with a few sweet nothings from a man will make a lot of women cave and hope being married will ‘fix him’

She will be back probably change her username in 6 months with another event.

Not to be pessimistic but I’ve been there done that. Feel this is what happens half the time when the OP disappears.

I'm optimistic that the friend she told is a really strong woman and has helped her to see that the situation won't improve. I think she'd told her family so I'd hope they will have supported her too?

I hope that too but there’s no update and found a lot of threads I’ve read lately where they split they keep using this as support.

It’s anyone’s guess hopefully she has so fingers crossed she went there for a holiday instead. Sorry if my comment seems harsh it just sounds like her partner wasn’t taking it seriously and my guess is he probably has tried to sweet talk her round considering he has like 70 odd friends and family going.

Fingers crossed @Strawberrylatte that you're busy having a great holiday as a single person and planning a new life without this guy.