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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner on only fans , we marry in weeks.

248 replies

Strawberrylatte · 24/09/2024 01:06

I really don’t know what to do.
In April I found out my partner has been paying for only fans while we plan our wedding. I found this out from his credit card. I was very upset and I feel so hurt and angry. He gets what he needs from me , I send him those kind of photos / videos myself and I absolute hate to come across like I think I’m great, I don’t but my photos are up there with the kind of girls on only fans. I’m confident and I always get compliments and take pride in my body, his friends even make funny comments on how he got with a girl like me. It’s knocked my confidence completely now and I feel sad. Like what he gets from me clearly isn’t enough that he needs to go and pay for it !
I don’t understand why on earth he is paying for this ! We was really struggling over Christmas we had no money and we have 3 children , I’m sad because he knew how hard I was trying to get them presents ,
I was selling all my old clothes for example because he would constantly tell me how broke he is because of all the bills his having to pay but he was able to pay for other women. Let me add a week after I found this out I found out I was pregnant and I ended up in hospital because it was an ectopic.
I had to go for surgery and have my tube removed. I was also very upset with this because he promised me he would have the snip before we even decided to have our last baby and he then wouldn’t go through with he complained about using condoms and I was having problems with the pill it was making me so miserable I would bleed all the time and I actually ended up pregnant, now I know that’s on us both but I can’t help that I felt let down by the promise he made to have it done. He would get very angry if I would ask or bring it up.
The pregnancy and the only fans really messed me up and for months iv felt in a very dark place. He denied the only fans and shouted a lot of abuse at me until he finally had to give up the fight and try to do all the sorry’s so that I would take him back. Like a mug I have done this and I have tried so hard to get past it but I keep going back to a really dark place. These last 2 months had been better and I tried to push past this because we have all our family looking forward to this wedding. However I was ordering a take away the other day and I see he had recently searched petite slim brunettes and I’m like what the hell !
He went crazy at me said I’m accusing him of this stuff that he didn’t do and so I decided to tell him that I wanted him to delete all of the photos of myself from his phone we was then in some crazy situation of pulling the phone from my hand in a aggressive way.
I said iv had enough if he wants to look up naked girls pay for them then he doesn’t need mine ! I wanted to take that away from him for my own self respect and feelings I asked before and he said no and so that’s why this time we was in a crazy pulling phone situation. This Makes me feel so stupid. I’m so upset. Iv not even spoken to him now in 2 days while his sleeping on the sofa like the victim. We are due to marry in 2 weeks and I’m back in this horrible dark place. I know his not going to change his a compulsive lier and there is so much more horrible stories I could tell. I feel so sad I don’t know why I love him. I don’t know what I’m even doing. He thinks his such a good guy because as his says his never cheated on me I’m acting like his cheated on me he will say. I feel like im
going crazy my poor children and looking forward to this holiday. I was looking forward to it I spent a lot of money on my dress and I’m just doing this now for all the wrong reasons.

OP posts:
lovescats3 · 24/09/2024 08:44

When he's asleep or in shower delete all the photos of you on his phone

lovescats3 · 24/09/2024 08:45

Then cancel the wedding, you deserve better than him

wrongthinker · 24/09/2024 08:45

Oh my god, OP, what a horrible situation.

But I don't think you have any choice but to cancel the wedding. Tell people as soon as you can. They may be able to get some money back or maybe they'll go and enjoy a holiday. Maybe you can go ahead with the holiday and party but just don't have the wedding part. You can't marry him so don't worry about that. I wouldn't want a friend of mine to marry some abusive arsehole just because I'd spent money on a flight.

pinkdelight · 24/09/2024 08:48

passiveaggressivenonsense · 24/09/2024 04:36

Going a little against the grain here. If you marry him will you be more financially secure if you separate ? Do you or he own a house ? Are your children from different relationships or both of yours ? Which of you is the higher earner ? It's a cynical approach but worth considering. Will you and your children be in a better position separating from a married partner or unmarried ?

This is what I was thinking too. It's one thing not marrying in a 'traditional' situation when it's earlier days, no DC etc. But OP is way down the line here with 3 DC and depending on the financial set-up, at least being married might give her some benefits when she inevitably walks away.

SquirrelMadness · 24/09/2024 08:48

OP please don't marry this man. It will get worse, not better. Men like this don't get better, they get more and more abusive and more and more likely to cheat. Get out now while you still can.

Blinkingagainandagain · 24/09/2024 08:49

Do whatever you would advise your child, sibling, parent or best friend to do in the exact same situation.

DeliciousApples · 24/09/2024 08:53

I'm sorry for your loss and what you've been through with that prick.

I don't think he will change. He clearly is ruled by his little sausage. As so many men are, sadly.

What do you stand to gain from the marriage? What does he? Is he marrying you for your money or an inheritance you may get? Why is he with you if he still has needs? And why does he hide and gaslight...because he knows himself it's not right.

Honestly, I wouldn't go through with the wedding. I don't think I could respect him knowing about his Fans situation. What if it turns into using prostitutes next...

I know it's hard and feels like a waste of money but I think I'd take the difficult route of cancelling rather than go through with it.

Is he violent? I ask because if he may do something bad to hurt you because he will be angry and embarrassed that all his family will find out you've dumped him.

You can pick yourself up from this. There IS someone for everyone that wants them out there. It doesn't have to be him.

thiscantbemylife · 24/09/2024 09:01

Like others said you will most likely go through with the wedding with it being so close but deep down you know it’s not right. I also believe you are probably better off than you are making to afford a wedding abroad with that many guests. You don’t need to embellish, no one on here thinks a guy paying for sexual services is an okay thing. Not even the cool wife squad can pretend it’s like watching free porn. It could even be he wants to see someone he knows on there or he has fantasies you don’t know about or the most likely case he has an addiction and he needs more to get off each time.

I’ll be real with you. He won’t change OP. So much porn is free and easy to access. To get to the level he is at he has a problem and need for variety and soon enough videos made for him from strangers won’t be enough and he will use escorts to do his fantasies in real life, or like others said cheat when an opportunity arises.

I think most men and a lot of women watch porn. But this is more than that. Like others have said you can be the most beautiful girl and he will do this. God every guy I know who’s cheated hasn’t done it with someone more objectively attractive. It novelty seeking at best addiction at worst.

The fact he doesn’t see it as an issue OP means you will be forever up against it. I bet you are beautiful but this will make you feel not good enough and that’s not fair at all. What wanker. Before your wedding too. Can you do what that amazing lady did, it made the news where she was stood up on her wedding day but enjoyed the day anyway. Why not cancel but have the holiday and say the same to others. You don’t have to share details with anyone. You have one life OP do you really want what will come from being with a guy like this? Second guessing him, second guessing your worth.

blackpooolrock · 24/09/2024 09:08

If he asks for pics of you are you sure he isn't putting them online?

Sorry i wouldn't trust him one bit... i would ask him to leave and then plan my life without him. Liars don't change, they just learn to hide the lies better.

VioIetMoon · 24/09/2024 09:16

Been here. A leopard never changes its spots

TwinklyOliveStork · 24/09/2024 09:20

I have to ask what is the point in going through with this wedding? Meant to be up there as one of the happiest days of your life. Instead you will stand there, and what thoughts will be going through your head... Fear of what the future holds? Fear you have made a mistake?

At the very least I would be postponing. You say family are 'looking forward to the wedding'... You deserve to be too. The worst part is he doesn't see it as an issue. And if you marry him that will confirm his thoughts. You need to show him your are not standing for it... Otherwise welcome to the rest of your life.

You are not an idiot! An idiot would just marry him without question. But you need to realise you deserve way more than this. As others have said, what would you be advising a daughter of yours?.. That's what your family would think if you were to cancel.

Whatwouldyoudoaboutthiz · 24/09/2024 09:21

OP PLEASE don't marry him!!

I know it must feel more pressure if it's a wedding abroad and family are coming but no. If this was my friend or sister I'd want them to cancel.

Maybe you and the kids and your family could still go abroad but without the knob head?? It sounds like your mum is a source of support.

Personally I think you need to rip the plaster off. Tell people the wedding is off. Apologise and see what your options are for still going for the holiday without him. Or just book a little break away with your kids and your own relatives so the kids still have a little break (and you do too).

His phone and your photos: can you get on his phone yourself and delete them?? If you can, do it.

You deserve better than this. I agree paying for only fans is over the line for me. It's not the same as just googling porn. It's choosing and spending on another individual in a sexual way. And knowing he's done that while you struggled to buy Xmas presents for the kids makes it even worse!

Sorry to hear about your ectopic. 😔

You've had a tough time, but things will definitely improve if you cut him loose.

Sixpence39 · 24/09/2024 09:22

Do not marry this man. Real friends and family will understand and WILL NOT want you to throw your life away just because they've booked flights/hotels. The sooner you tell them the better. Do you have sister/maid of honour who can contact everyone on your behalf to take away that stress? You need to focus on yourself and your kids.

BertieBotts · 24/09/2024 09:24

Cancel everything so you can get refunds on as much as you can. Or cancel and then have a big holiday with your family and friends instead. Some of the money will be gone - it will be gone whether you marry him or not.

artictern · 24/09/2024 09:25

It’s nothing to do with you, he has an addiction and it’s the hit from porn he wants. If you were on OF he’d be just as into you as he is these other women, because again, it’s the porn aspect of it that is giving him this extra hit. So please don’t let it knock your confidence ❤️

I have been married before (abusive relationship) and was reluctant to divorce because of family and social pressure not to, so I have some idea of what you’re feeling with regards to your upcoming wedding. I stayed in a bad marriage for 10 years because of this. That is 10 years I will never get back, just because I didn’t want to experience social shame of a failed marriage (I come from a conservative background). Pleasing other people at your own expense like this isn’t worth it. It’s your life and your children’s lives at the end of the day.

Please don’t marry this man ❤️ Listen to your heart!

LLresident · 24/09/2024 09:25

I think you are making a mistake marrying him….. Especially he said he was verbally abusing you about confronting him?

MargolyesofBeelzebub · 24/09/2024 09:27

Look up "sunk-cost fallacy". It's one of the biggest flaws humans have. We pour our everything into something, realise it's not what we thought, but we trundle on and on because of what we poured into it. It makes you miserable, becomes a weight around your neck.

You need to be rid of this absolute arsehole. If it helps to justify your sunken cost on the wedding, go on your holiday and celebrate at a "single and free" party instead!

Xiomara22 · 24/09/2024 09:29

Cancel the wedding part and you and your kids and your family can still all go for a lovely holiday. Don’t forget to cancel his ticket. Keep your passport and the kids passports on you at all times x

caringcarer · 24/09/2024 09:31

Don't marry this abusive man. He shouts at you and he constantly paying other woman for pictures of them. I wouldn't be surprised if he sold your photos to strangers. You sell clothes to buy Xmas gifts for your DC and he spends money on other woman for sexual gratification. It says it all about what type of man he is. Find yourself someone much nicer. He's shown you who he is you should be running with your DC away from him. Don't marry him.

Onehappymam · 24/09/2024 09:36

What is your financial situation?

What do you stand to gain/lose by marrying him?

As you have 3 kids together, I’d think very carefully.

Regardless, you don’t have a long term future with him - he’s a lying scum bag. But you need to decide if it makes more sense to kick him out now, or go through with the wedding knowing that you’ll divorce him down the line.

Trumptonagain · 24/09/2024 09:37

LolleePop · 24/09/2024 06:35

I get the very strong, distinct impression that OP will read all these replies and then go through with the wedding.

Clearly not as bothered as they say they are then.

IMO if all paid for I'd still go on the holiday with all the family/friends skip the marriage part and call it my 'lucky escape party.'

JFDIYOLO · 24/09/2024 09:38

Oh god.

You poor love.

I remember Princess Diana saying she'd wanted to back out of the marriage because she already knew about Camilla but her sister telling her she couldn't because her face was on the tea towels.

The thing is, the arrangements may all have been made. But you do not have to go through with it.

You've had a clear message about what your future is going to be like with this vile man.

Zero respect for women, for family, for you.

And this kind of behaviour will only get worse - once the thrill of paying for only fans dwindles he may well go on to using prostitutes.

Do you have daughters? Do you want them thinking that's what husbands and fathers are?

Do you have sons? Do you want them thinking that's how to treat women?

Your instincts are screaming at you 'I don't want to marry this man'.

You have a chance to save yourself and your kids from all this shit. You can say no - and give yourselves a free future.

LuluBlakey1 · 24/09/2024 09:41

Obviously, I don't know you but this is an incredibly unhealthy relationship and far from marrying him, you should be kicking him out and having nothing more to do with him. What you say in your post about all of his behaviours and attitudes is disgusting- you deserve someone who treats you with love and respect.

AnonymousBleep · 24/09/2024 09:43

You don't want to marry him. He sounds awful. He isn't going to miraculously change once you have a ring on your finger, in fact he'll take you even more for granted and just get worse.

I can imagine how tough it must be to decide you can't get married with two weeks to go, but it's better to pull out and deal with that than to end up stuck with someone you don't love or even like. Travel insurance will deal with most of the guests' cancellations. My sister got married abroad, and she met another bride who got married at the same time - and weirdly it turned out I knew the other bride's sister. Anyway, turned out this other bride also didn't actually want to get married to the groom but felt she couldn't back out because everyone had paid to go to the destination wedding. They were divorced within two years. You can avoid doing this!

Chipsintheair · 24/09/2024 09:45

If he hasn't much money, there's nothing to lose in cancelling the wedding in terms of financial stability.

The disappointment of the guests is all his responsibility, as he decided to cause this, not you.

The loss of your hopes and the disruption and pain he's caused you are terrible and it really wouldn't be a good idea to marry someone who can behave like that.

He's a misogynist, so not safe around children anyhow, so I'd separate and, although it's devastating and difficult, hope to meet someone more deserving of you in the future.

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