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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner on only fans , we marry in weeks.

248 replies

Strawberrylatte · 24/09/2024 01:06

I really don’t know what to do.
In April I found out my partner has been paying for only fans while we plan our wedding. I found this out from his credit card. I was very upset and I feel so hurt and angry. He gets what he needs from me , I send him those kind of photos / videos myself and I absolute hate to come across like I think I’m great, I don’t but my photos are up there with the kind of girls on only fans. I’m confident and I always get compliments and take pride in my body, his friends even make funny comments on how he got with a girl like me. It’s knocked my confidence completely now and I feel sad. Like what he gets from me clearly isn’t enough that he needs to go and pay for it !
I don’t understand why on earth he is paying for this ! We was really struggling over Christmas we had no money and we have 3 children , I’m sad because he knew how hard I was trying to get them presents ,
I was selling all my old clothes for example because he would constantly tell me how broke he is because of all the bills his having to pay but he was able to pay for other women. Let me add a week after I found this out I found out I was pregnant and I ended up in hospital because it was an ectopic.
I had to go for surgery and have my tube removed. I was also very upset with this because he promised me he would have the snip before we even decided to have our last baby and he then wouldn’t go through with he complained about using condoms and I was having problems with the pill it was making me so miserable I would bleed all the time and I actually ended up pregnant, now I know that’s on us both but I can’t help that I felt let down by the promise he made to have it done. He would get very angry if I would ask or bring it up.
The pregnancy and the only fans really messed me up and for months iv felt in a very dark place. He denied the only fans and shouted a lot of abuse at me until he finally had to give up the fight and try to do all the sorry’s so that I would take him back. Like a mug I have done this and I have tried so hard to get past it but I keep going back to a really dark place. These last 2 months had been better and I tried to push past this because we have all our family looking forward to this wedding. However I was ordering a take away the other day and I see he had recently searched petite slim brunettes and I’m like what the hell !
He went crazy at me said I’m accusing him of this stuff that he didn’t do and so I decided to tell him that I wanted him to delete all of the photos of myself from his phone we was then in some crazy situation of pulling the phone from my hand in a aggressive way.
I said iv had enough if he wants to look up naked girls pay for them then he doesn’t need mine ! I wanted to take that away from him for my own self respect and feelings I asked before and he said no and so that’s why this time we was in a crazy pulling phone situation. This Makes me feel so stupid. I’m so upset. Iv not even spoken to him now in 2 days while his sleeping on the sofa like the victim. We are due to marry in 2 weeks and I’m back in this horrible dark place. I know his not going to change his a compulsive lier and there is so much more horrible stories I could tell. I feel so sad I don’t know why I love him. I don’t know what I’m even doing. He thinks his such a good guy because as his says his never cheated on me I’m acting like his cheated on me he will say. I feel like im
going crazy my poor children and looking forward to this holiday. I was looking forward to it I spent a lot of money on my dress and I’m just doing this now for all the wrong reasons.

OP posts:
Peachy2005 · 24/09/2024 14:48

Just cancel it! With a bit of notice, some people might be able to get some money back, some may choose to still go as a holiday. 100% do NOT go ahead just because it’s embarrassing to cancel. This man is toxic.

Strawberrylatte · 24/09/2024 14:58

Hi ,
I had to meet my friend today and I have told her everything. I wasn’t here to reply but I have read every single message and I want to just say thank you. I have 2 daughters and after reading a few comments on how I would feel if this was my daughter has made me feel stronger. I think iv been blind and brainwashed because otherwise how could he make me still feel like his a good guy .. because he pays the bills !? I have changed so much since this relationship iv lost myself I was a strong girl and I know what I would be telling my own friend and that is to absolutely leave and honestly if people knew the rest of the madness iv put up with I think they would think I’m actually mad! I also found vigara in his van and it’s never sat right with me there was 5 pills missing my gut is now telling me maybe he used those to sleep with paid escorts who knows ! I have not even spoke to him now for 2 days he doesn’t even come to me to sort this out I think that he just thinks give her space and she won’t bother to carry it on.

OP posts:
NotAgainBrian · 24/09/2024 15:00

After your latest update, he's almost certainly gone past the OF stuff and actually shagged someone behind your back. I know it's hard and I've been where you are but seriously. Cancel the wedding. And get an STD test. He's disgusting.

artictern · 24/09/2024 15:01

Well done @Strawberrylatte you’re doing amazingly, stay strong! 💪

amandaleeds · 24/09/2024 15:02

Strawberrylatte · 24/09/2024 14:58

Hi ,
I had to meet my friend today and I have told her everything. I wasn’t here to reply but I have read every single message and I want to just say thank you. I have 2 daughters and after reading a few comments on how I would feel if this was my daughter has made me feel stronger. I think iv been blind and brainwashed because otherwise how could he make me still feel like his a good guy .. because he pays the bills !? I have changed so much since this relationship iv lost myself I was a strong girl and I know what I would be telling my own friend and that is to absolutely leave and honestly if people knew the rest of the madness iv put up with I think they would think I’m actually mad! I also found vigara in his van and it’s never sat right with me there was 5 pills missing my gut is now telling me maybe he used those to sleep with paid escorts who knows ! I have not even spoke to him now for 2 days he doesn’t even come to me to sort this out I think that he just thinks give her space and she won’t bother to carry it on.

So happy to hear you're realising what you need to do. My friends kept telling me mine was no good but he'd destroyed my self esteem, and I was attached, and thought my friends just 'didn't understand'.

I wish 20+ years ago I'd found people on somewhere like this who were going through a similar issue who could have talked sense to me.

JFDIYOLO · 24/09/2024 15:03

I agree - get an STD test asap. These diseases can wreck health and lives.

The conclusion that he's already moved on to screwing prostitutes seems likely.

Great work telling your friend - I hope they were sympathetic and backed you.

PigeonLady · 24/09/2024 15:10

I’m going to put this bluntly OP. Because I can’t imagine the peer pressure to go ahead with the wedding with so close, so many guests and especially abroad. So I am really going to be blunt.

He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t even give two flying fucks about you. He’s literally marrying you because it halves his debt liability over night. His debt becomes yours. And he can continue to wrack up as much as wants. Because when he leaves; he can walk away and leave you with half. As a single divorced man he can file for bankruptcy and then shack up with the next naive woman who will take him in.

That won’t just fuck your life. But both your daughters. Don’t fucking do it!

Strawberrylatte · 24/09/2024 15:12

@JFDIYOLO She was amazing she’s here to back me up 100% and yes we have 90 coming to this wedding but that’s pretty much all his family ! I have a small family my family will back me on everything my guest list is 17 out of 90! x

OP posts:
LuluBlakey1 · 24/09/2024 15:12

Do not allow him to'sort this out'. There is nothing that would 'sort this out' for you except ending the relationship. Take control and get rid of him for good. He's a piece of shit.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 24/09/2024 15:15

It would be so much more work, hassle, stress and heartache to sort this out later eg through the inevitable divorce.dump now, and ignore the opinions of all of his supporters.

JFDIYOLO · 24/09/2024 15:18

Fantastic friend. 💐

Can you contact all your side today? Just get it done? Rip the plaster off rather than wait till it's welded on ...

That was a great point earlier, that you'd be marrying his liability and debt.

Practically speaking - do you have anywhere you could go with the children?

ttcat37 · 24/09/2024 16:02

@Strawberrylatte in light of what you say about the viagra, pleeeeeeeeease get tested for STIs asap. I would also get yourself ready for him saying he has an addiction to porn/ OF (doubt he’ll admit to paying for sex but sounds like it’s quite possible), to try and make himself a victim and to try and manipulate you into staying. Be strong, don’t let your daughters grow up thinking this is how to be treated by a man.

Strawberrylatte · 24/09/2024 16:18

@ttcat37 I was tested for the STIs when I had the ectopic pregnancy and it came back clear. x

OP posts:
Bonbon21 · 24/09/2024 16:26

Cancel the wedding.
Tell people why.
They presumably have accommodation/flights booked so they can still go and have a holiday! Or not.... their choice.
For the sake of your kids walk away from this piece of shit.
No amount of 'loving him' will make this better.
Do it for your kids if you can't do it for you.
But whatever... do not protect him.

Notimeforaname · 24/09/2024 17:21

Then you contact your 17 people and tell them it's off.

Leave him to explain to the other 73.

Then go on holiday with your family If you can.

offyoujollywelltrot · 24/09/2024 17:31

Notimeforaname · 24/09/2024 17:21

Then you contact your 17 people and tell them it's off.

Leave him to explain to the other 73.

Then go on holiday with your family If you can.

This. Let him handle the mess of telling his family.

undripfeedswede · 24/09/2024 18:41

Do not do it. Looking at updates your better off not going through even financially.

I have a feeling you'll marry him am afraid. And then things will get worse and you'll wish you'd listened to your gut.

He's a pig.

Terrribletwos · 24/09/2024 18:46

I am glad you're not going ahead with the wedding. It will be sad and a lot to process in the coming months but you have absolutely done the right thing and I hope your family give you strength and support.

Just one other thing. You said you had an Sti check after your ectopic pregnancy. If this was a while ago, perhaps you should get checked again.

LuluBlakey1 · 24/09/2024 19:34

Terrribletwos · 24/09/2024 18:46

I am glad you're not going ahead with the wedding. It will be sad and a lot to process in the coming months but you have absolutely done the right thing and I hope your family give you strength and support.

Just one other thing. You said you had an Sti check after your ectopic pregnancy. If this was a while ago, perhaps you should get checked again.

She hasn't said she is not going ahead with the wedding. She has said she hasn't spoken to him for 2 days and he hasn't tried to sort things out - that's all. OP clearly has not broken off the relationship or cancelled the wedding.

Skybluepinky · 24/09/2024 19:42

Don’t marry him, he wants more than u can offer.

Strawberrylatte · 24/09/2024 19:50

I have just told him that I cannot marry him. His gaslighting the whole things going back to stupid things about me back absolute years ago when we first got together and a ex texted me. I said people do things wrong in relationships we make mistakes the problem is we are years down the line and he is still making mistakes very big ones leading up to our wedding ! I am very loyal to him I dont make mistakes that will hurt him like this his he my number 1 priority and iv shown him the over our relationship but I’m still being treated like dirt. I said that he cannot admit to that fact that his now looked up the petite slim brunette online after we have just been dealing with the only fans and me being upset. He is just constantly lying to my face even still. So iv told him the wedding is off and I said whats the plan on how we tell people ? He said he will say it how it is that I have called it off because he can’t admit to this Google search and that I will be a laughing stock. I’m currently now laying my with daughter putting her to bed. Then I guess I’m going back in there and it will just be a silent treatment.

OP posts:
pinkfleece · 24/09/2024 19:52

Well done OP. Brave and the right thing to do. Don't be forced into keeping his secret - just put out a bland announcement but if any of your friends ask, tell them.

wrongthinker · 24/09/2024 19:55

You have kids, OP. They should be your priority - not this fucking loser. Good that you've told him it's over but honestly why get involved in the back and forth. Tell your mum and your guests the wedding is cancelled. Show your DC an example of a woman who respects herself. And start prioritising them.

Strawberrylatte · 24/09/2024 19:57

To be honest I don’t even care what he tells his family a few knew about the only
fans as he told them and he lied and down played it saying he didn’t know he was re subscribed to a silly celebrity that’s the first line he gave me but after looking into it back then I found it that it wasn’t nothing like that it wasnt no accident as he continued to pay last year and even January this year he knows what he was doing but thinks if he acts like it was a mistake they will not see it as so bad. So they will know that there’s more to in no one in the world who knows me would think I would cancel our wedding weeks before over a Google search. I don’t even care right now lucky my small group of family and friends will know exactly how it went.

OP posts:
Olika · 24/09/2024 19:57

Well done. Stay strong. I would drop a message to all your side of the family invited to the wedding so they know the wedding is off but perhaps you guys still want to make it as a holiday. If he decides to lie about his doings to his side that's on him. And if any of his family contacts you I would tell them exactly what he has done.