Partner on only fans , we marry in weeks.

[Strawberrylatte]

I really don’t know what to do.
In April I found out my partner has been paying for only fans while we plan our wedding. I found this out from his credit card. I was very upset and I feel so hurt and angry. He gets what he needs from me , I send him those kind of photos / videos myself and I absolute hate to come across like I think I’m great, I don’t but my photos are up there with the kind of girls on only fans. I’m confident and I always get compliments and take pride in my body, his friends even make funny comments on how he got with a girl like me. It’s knocked my confidence completely now and I feel sad. Like what he gets from me clearly isn’t enough that he needs to go and pay for it !
I don’t understand why on earth he is paying for this ! We was really struggling over Christmas we had no money and we have 3 children , I’m sad because he knew how hard I was trying to get them presents ,
I was selling all my old clothes for example because he would constantly tell me how broke he is because of all the bills his having to pay but he was able to pay for other women. Let me add a week after I found this out I found out I was pregnant and I ended up in hospital because it was an ectopic.
I had to go for surgery and have my tube removed. I was also very upset with this because he promised me he would have the snip before we even decided to have our last baby and he then wouldn’t go through with he complained about using condoms and I was having problems with the pill it was making me so miserable I would bleed all the time and I actually ended up pregnant, now I know that’s on us both but I can’t help that I felt let down by the promise he made to have it done. He would get very angry if I would ask or bring it up.
The pregnancy and the only fans really messed me up and for months iv felt in a very dark place. He denied the only fans and shouted a lot of abuse at me until he finally had to give up the fight and try to do all the sorry’s so that I would take him back. Like a mug I have done this and I have tried so hard to get past it but I keep going back to a really dark place. These last 2 months had been better and I tried to push past this because we have all our family looking forward to this wedding. However I was ordering a take away the other day and I see he had recently searched petite slim brunettes and I’m like what the hell !
He went crazy at me said I’m accusing him of this stuff that he didn’t do and so I decided to tell him that I wanted him to delete all of the photos of myself from his phone we was then in some crazy situation of pulling the phone from my hand in a aggressive way.
I said iv had enough if he wants to look up naked girls pay for them then he doesn’t need mine ! I wanted to take that away from him for my own self respect and feelings I asked before and he said no and so that’s why this time we was in a crazy pulling phone situation. This Makes me feel so stupid. I’m so upset. Iv not even spoken to him now in 2 days while his sleeping on the sofa like the victim. We are due to marry in 2 weeks and I’m back in this horrible dark place. I know his not going to change his a compulsive lier and there is so much more horrible stories I could tell. I feel so sad I don’t know why I love him. I don’t know what I’m even doing. He thinks his such a good guy because as his says his never cheated on me I’m acting like his cheated on me he will say. I feel like im
going crazy my poor children and looking forward to this holiday. I was looking forward to it I spent a lot of money on my dress and I’m just doing this now for all the wrong reasons.

My paternal grandmother had doubts about marrying my grandfather in the 1930s. She confided this to a friend but said 'his mother has been very good to me so I feel obliged to go ahead'. It was a big mistake. He was an alcoholic domestic abuser who terrorised her and their six kids. My family (and me) are still dealing with the fallout as all the kids were traumatised including my father.

Walk away - you deserve better. Go with your gut.

Before you end it… make sure all those photos of you are deleted it on his phone. @Strawberrylatte you definitely have a guardian angel.

This would be my fear too.
Honestly OP, you CAN do so much better than marry a lining, abusive, cheating git like him.

@Strawberrylatte please don’t marry him. Get away from him. True friends will understand.

Save yourself the aggro and expense of divorcing him because this is 100% where it will end up.

OP you are not a weak idiot. So stop telling yourself that.
You simply fell in love with a man who sold you the world and you believed him. That doesn't make you an idiot. It makes you totally bloody normal.

But what you have found out is he sold you a lie. He isn't the perfect lovely caring illusion you fell in love with, He is a man who does not and will not ever have your back, is capable of hurting you in ways that crushes you and your self esteem and does so simply because he wants to.

He wants to buy shit from only fans and look at porn or whatever and he gives not one iota of a crap what that does to you, his fiancee, the woman he should be over the fucking moon to be marrying and should walk over hot coals before he upsets.
He is pissed off because you found out. He is angry AT YOU for finding out. I bet he isn't angry at himself because in his head he thinks its his god given right to do what the hell he wants, and therefore that is the marriage you will be entering into. of course he will try and hide it from you (under the guise of 'protecting you', no less - but all that means is he is actually just protecting himself - so he can do what he wants, when he wants and not get stick from you over it).

He doesn't give a shit if it hurts you or makes you feel bad/angry/upset, he is absolutely willing to risk YOUR feelings to do what HE wants.

OK so the wedding is 2 weeks away. Ask yourself, do you want to marry him? I don't mean the man you fell in love with, I mean the man now standing before you.
Yes it is going to be hard to cancel the wedding, but do not marry someone you have doubts over simply because you don't want to let other people down, or lose money, or feel like you've put too much into it already.

Marry someone who, when you walk down that aisle, you look at knowing they will love you and protect you and do anything not to hurt you. Knowing this will be the happiest day of your life because you are walking towards that person. Marry someone who if people say 'you are just like your partner' it would be the biggest compliment and make you so proud.

Never listen to a mans words. Listen to his actions. Words are easy. Actions are the truth. If his words say he loves you but his actions hurt you......... he isn't the real deal.

Weddings can get cancelled quite easily. You cannot get married because people have bought plane tickets.

Why would you want to marry someone who has such little respect for you? How do you see your marriage going?

This.

Plus the going back on the vasectomy, the aggro around condoms, the verbal abuse when you found out about his OF activities, the letting you scrimp and save while he spent family, household money on images etc of sex workers behind your back .....

Overall he's a shit person and shit partner.

Ewwwwww. Cancel the wedding. Get your photos deleted and NEVER send any in future ffs! It sucks but don't compound your misery by marrying this low quality specimen.

The people coming to the wedding will be just as happy with their ‘holiday’ and the ones that are your friends and family can celebrate your lucky escape .

OP, don’t out yourself down and call yourself weak. Ending up in an abusive relationship isn’t something anyone causes, it usually happens slowly over time and behaviour gets worse and worse. It never gets better. The reason you feel so conflicted is because he gaslights you and has eroded your self esteem over a period of time. Let me lay this out clearly for you.

Paying for only fans IS cheating. It’s getting sexual gratification and personal sexual interaction from a woman that isn’t you. That’s cheating. He would go ballistic if you did that with another man.
Gaslighting you about it is abuse.
Calling you names is abuse.
Saying you’re a picker and snooper is called DARVO. Look it up. He’s making you the abuser so he can paint himself as the victim and avoid having to admit to his own wrongs. DARVO is abuse.
Spending money on sex workers and depriving the family is financial abuse.
Refusing to delete your intimate photos on request is abuse. He is holding on to it without your consent.
Refusing to use contraception and forcing it on you is abusive.
I could go on but you know in yourself that this relationship is not good for you or your children. Please cancel the wedding. Contact women’s aid and read this book.

https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

As a woman, I am willing to plead with you not to marry this man. Not one person on here has said to stay and work on it. Let that be another strong sign from the universe delivered through the women of MN!

I'm sick and saddened by all the awful abuse towards women that i see, hear and read about, all the time.

You know you shouldn't be with him thats why you reached out.

Trust me. He will ruin yours and your children's lives if you let him. And I am not being the slightest bit dramatic. Please get support and make plans to leave.

Please don’t marry him. He will get worse, not better.

You will be making the biggest mistake of your life if you marry this utterly disgusting man.

I'd make sure everyone knew what he'd been doing, but I realise that's not necessarily safe.

If this is what it's like BEFORE you get married, after it'll continue or get worse. I don't see why you'd want to be in a relationship with a man like that forever and do that to yourself.

He does it because he finds the seediness of it thrilling. He likes a 'dirty' girl and you being his fiance takes you out of that category.

Regardless of this, he doesn't sound like much of a catch. It seems like you're seeing the red flags but worrying about the 'appearances' of calling off the wedding more than ending up married to a man who treats you poorly.

I'd be having a serious think before meeting him at the end of the road, never mind an aisle.

Please do not marry him just because it is all planned and you have a nice dress.

I'd say don't panic, play it smart for your future as you have 3 DC's to think of. Depending on your living situation, it might be better to marry now with a plan to split in the future. If he is the breadwinner and owns your home, or has more assets, you are far better off divorcing down the line than never being married as you can get half his assets, and probably a lot more than that with 3 DC's.
If however, you earn more, have more assets, there is nothing to be gained by marrying.
Even while married for a time you can put adjustments to your relationship in. Stop doing vids and pics of yourself for a start. You are right, he doesn't deserve them. No condom, no sex ( I'd get yourself sti checked just to be safe as infection can be a cause of ectopic pregnancy).

He has cancelled the wedding not you. He's relying on you to feel to feel responsible and make the decision.

but he KNEW all this we old put it in jeopardy and did it anyway. He took actions that meant the wedding can't go ahead. Don't let him gaslight you into thinking everyone does this, not one person here has said that what he did was ok and would go ahead, I'm betting if you start t at lying to your friends no one will tell you to go ahead.

i got a message about a cancelled wedding abroad, we were all so relieved for the bride, some people ended up going anyway for a hol, no one blamed her they blamed him.

send a message to your family to send out
'Name has done things that mean the wedding can't go ahead, I'm so sorry I have tried hard but it seems that he is determined to make sure it can't happen. I apologise for the short notice i too have been blindsided i will start cancelling and let you know about refunds etc'

@Strawberrylatte please listen to everyone here. There is not one person on here who has told you to go ahead, get married, and things will work out if you try to work things out between you.

A very few have said get married to protect yourself financially but even they are telling you that if you marry him you WILL end up divorcing after more time spent being miserable and wasting your life while you are with him. And it won't make much difference to your Financial situation to be honest

Hard to cancel a wedding, I get it, but much more difficult to deal with a divorce later. Plus your guests will have 2 weeks to organise themselves, maybe get a refund or change their flights to somewhere else, or just go for a holiday to the same destination. But do it now - easier for you once people have been told

I thought exactly this.

Don't marry him. It's nothing to do with you and your body, you are not the problem. It's him. I wouldn't bother, he's not going to change. Most of us who have been through it will tell you, it never stops sadly. You will look back in 10 years time and wish you never married him. Who cares what the guests think, tell them the truth he's a lying, cheating, adulterer who pays other women for sexual favours, so you're calling the wedding off. Also I'd be surprised if it doesn't escalate in to more than paying just on a screen.

I’m sure the wedding guests will understand when you give them an outline of why you are cancelling. It may seem easier to go ahead but it will be much harder to undo in the future. You have your life to live and shouldn’t be having to suffer and ask strangers online about these crucially important aspects of your happiness. You don’t owe him anything.

If you go ahead with the wedding, which I suspect you will, you are basically giving him the green light to continue with his despicable behaviour regarding you. Never will you be able to complain, since you know exactly what kind of man/father he is and you still willingly committed your future to him.
Silly.

@HazelPlayer We rent his friend house it’s a lovely house and I love living here but no it’s not ours. Yes does has a pension but I don’t know if that helps me. I’m embarrassed to say but yes his also in debt iv never had a credit card and iv been lucky to never been in a problem like this but yes even the other day I had the bailiff knocking! His in debt with credit cards that he used for only fans and parking fines. I know I sound like such a idiot.