Partner on only fans , we marry in weeks.

[Strawberrylatte]

I really don’t know what to do.
In April I found out my partner has been paying for only fans while we plan our wedding. I found this out from his credit card. I was very upset and I feel so hurt and angry. He gets what he needs from me , I send him those kind of photos / videos myself and I absolute hate to come across like I think I’m great, I don’t but my photos are up there with the kind of girls on only fans. I’m confident and I always get compliments and take pride in my body, his friends even make funny comments on how he got with a girl like me. It’s knocked my confidence completely now and I feel sad. Like what he gets from me clearly isn’t enough that he needs to go and pay for it !
I don’t understand why on earth he is paying for this ! We was really struggling over Christmas we had no money and we have 3 children , I’m sad because he knew how hard I was trying to get them presents ,
I was selling all my old clothes for example because he would constantly tell me how broke he is because of all the bills his having to pay but he was able to pay for other women. Let me add a week after I found this out I found out I was pregnant and I ended up in hospital because it was an ectopic.
I had to go for surgery and have my tube removed. I was also very upset with this because he promised me he would have the snip before we even decided to have our last baby and he then wouldn’t go through with he complained about using condoms and I was having problems with the pill it was making me so miserable I would bleed all the time and I actually ended up pregnant, now I know that’s on us both but I can’t help that I felt let down by the promise he made to have it done. He would get very angry if I would ask or bring it up.
The pregnancy and the only fans really messed me up and for months iv felt in a very dark place. He denied the only fans and shouted a lot of abuse at me until he finally had to give up the fight and try to do all the sorry’s so that I would take him back. Like a mug I have done this and I have tried so hard to get past it but I keep going back to a really dark place. These last 2 months had been better and I tried to push past this because we have all our family looking forward to this wedding. However I was ordering a take away the other day and I see he had recently searched petite slim brunettes and I’m like what the hell !
He went crazy at me said I’m accusing him of this stuff that he didn’t do and so I decided to tell him that I wanted him to delete all of the photos of myself from his phone we was then in some crazy situation of pulling the phone from my hand in a aggressive way.
I said iv had enough if he wants to look up naked girls pay for them then he doesn’t need mine ! I wanted to take that away from him for my own self respect and feelings I asked before and he said no and so that’s why this time we was in a crazy pulling phone situation. This Makes me feel so stupid. I’m so upset. Iv not even spoken to him now in 2 days while his sleeping on the sofa like the victim. We are due to marry in 2 weeks and I’m back in this horrible dark place. I know his not going to change his a compulsive lier and there is so much more horrible stories I could tell. I feel so sad I don’t know why I love him. I don’t know what I’m even doing. He thinks his such a good guy because as his says his never cheated on me I’m acting like his cheated on me he will say. I feel like im
going crazy my poor children and looking forward to this holiday. I was looking forward to it I spent a lot of money on my dress and I’m just doing this now for all the wrong reasons.

If iwere one of your guests, I wouldn't expect you to go through with the marriage on my account. Close family, i might stay home to support you. Friend, id enjoy the holiday. If you want to cancel, do it.

It’s worth bearing in mind that you can’t actually file for divorce in the first year of marriage. And I doubt you’d walk away from a very short marriage any better off. The Court would probably expect you both to retain whatever assets and income you had at the time of the wedding. So don’t marry him for financial security unless you’re planning to stick with him for at least a few years.

Cancelling the wedding will be awful and embarrassing but it’s the lesser of two evils. Better to be temporarily mortified (it will pass) than to marry someone you know deep down isn’t the right person for you.

For the love of God, do not go through with the wedding.

Those guests aren't having to live with him afterwards are they? they arent being lied to and gaslighted and betrayed. After this wedding, they'll go back to their lives oblivious and carry on as they were before. You wont be able to.

They arent the ones who have to put up with the consequences of this decision, YOU are.

You know exactly what you should do, you are just scared to do it which is understandable. But life is short and time is precious. If you marry him, knowing all this, you will regret it massively and then you'll wish you could rewind to this exact moment and make a different decision. This is a sliding doors moment for you - be brave and make the decision that is best for you. You can fix this for yourself now, you wont be able to get back the time you will waste in misery if you stay with this horrible bloke.

I’m with the poster who suggested you work out if you’d be better off financially leaving now or divorcing later. I suspect divorce will leave you better off financially. It would for most women.

Sounds mercenary but he’s fucked your life so now you need think about damage limitation.

Contrary to the popular mumsnet opinion I don’t think there’s anything wrong with watching porn

My h watches porn occasionally, I do too

Buying only fans photos and videos (and whatever else) is NOT just "porn".

You couldn't really not understand that, could you??
Are you just pretending you don't?

Who owns the house, or do you rent?

How long does a woman have to be married to get some of her husband's pension, does anyone know?

You won't regret not marrying him but you will if you do, listen to the inner voice shouting not to, that's why you have doubts.

He is PAYING for content from other women. That is cheating. He is cheating on you and using your shared credit card to do it. You have three children with this man, don't tie yourself to him any further by marrying him.

Break up with him now. If the credit card is in your name, close it down. Split your finances, cancel the wedding but still go abroad and have a nice holiday with your kids and mum.

Leave this lying, gaslighting, embarrassing piece of shit to deal with his own cock however he feels like it.

Ghastly man. But I agree with the minority of posters who say go ahead with the marriage IF it will put you in a better position financially. So many unmarried mothers are left with barely anything in a split. Though if he has no assets to share then I would say literally no point marrying him.

Only fans is the least of your problems.

I know the wedding is abroad. I know you will be thinking about all the money people have paid. I know you absolutely can't stand the idea of cancelling and facing it all.

But if people knew what you posted here, they wouldn't want to attend your wedding. People can still go on the holiday OP. They don't have to cancel. Please don't marry him.

He refuses to destroy pornographic images of you. Telling you 'no'? Seriously? That alone is really shocking. He does not respect you one bit. You need to end it.

I think you already know the answer but try a little thought experiment: imagine it's the morning of the wedding- how do you truly feel? Excited and sure or resigned and doubtful? And don't worry about the guests. The ones that love you will understand. It's not worth setting aside your own happiness in order not to rock the boat.

Get out now. It won’t change. It’s not about you not giving him enough, it’s about his need to get satisfaction from viewing this type of content. This won’t stop, he’ll find better ways to hide it and every time you discover it, it will be enough blow to your confidence.

Please do not marry this man, I think you need to cancel the wedding asap and let him tell people why.

If they 90 people coming to your wedding knew what you are putting up with and knew how you are feeling they'd tell you to cancel too.

Dump him OP and cancel the wedding. Don't go through with making a huge mistake for the sake of not having to cancel. You won't be happy if you go through with it. Sell the dress and have your family help you contact guests to inform them the marriage won't be taking place.

How strong is your financial situation, you need to prepare for your future without him and like other posters if it means having a game plan and going through with the wedding for divorce further down the line then do it.

This is awful. I’m so sorry you are in this situation.

speaking from personal experience, he won’t stop.

People like this have a personality disorder. They will behave badly and then twist the situation to get you to believe you are at fault.

There is absolutely nothing you can do to change him. He won’t change.

If you marry him, that will be seen by him, as permission to continue the behaviour.

My ex husband, to this day, believes it was my fault for finding out. And not his fault for the disgusting life he had going on. Porn was just the tip of the iceberg….

He truly believes it was my fault. A normal person stands no chance against people like this.

If I could turn back time, I would never have married him…

Sounds like you know what you need to do.

I agree with other posters, cancel the wedding and be honest with people about why you are cancelling.

Enjoy the holiday with your kids and don’t feel bad, you and your kids deserve it.

Good luck, better now than five years down the line, when he has stripped you of even more of what is left of your self worth.

Please, OP, do not marry this man. You deserve so much better 💐

I married someone who had been addicted to porn and run up hugely expensive bills… he said he gave it up … then I discovered he hadn’t after we were married and he’d moved on to visiting massage parlours. We split up over 20 years ago and I massively regret I married him and gave him my youth and confidence. It won’t get better and it’s not you. I hope you can find the strength to leave him x

This - calling off the wedding will be awful in the short term, but ultimately I think you would feel relieved. Going ahead with the wedding will be awful for much longer, plus you’d have the added expense if you decided to divorce (although you’d pay even more in terms of your mental health).

Don't marry this man and dump him as soon as you can.

Listen to your guts and to the signs the universe has given you...

Your guests will completely understand. Make it clear to everyone that you are cancelling the wedding because you found out your partner has been regularly paying for porn and access to women on only fans and lied about it....

Leave him to pay for all the expenses of the cancelled wedding too.

And you'll have 90 people relieved you're not marrying a bad person.

He keeps telling you who he is and that he isn’t going to change. You have your answer.

As for the wedding:

• break up with the man
• tell your guests and let them see if they can recoup any costs
• go away regardless and have a party with those who couldn’t get a refund - celebrate not getting married to someone who is eroding your sense of self worth
• put your dress in a box in the attic or sell it after Christmas (lots of festive proposals so it’s a good time to sell it)
• be thankful you have escaped a very bleak future and look forward to the time you meet a man who respects and adores you

I wish people would stop telling OP to get married for financial security. It’s shit advice, unless she’s planning on staying married for at least a few years. A short marriage is likely to end in both parties walking away with what they brought to the marriage in the first place.