Partner on only fans , we marry in weeks.

[Strawberrylatte]

I really don’t know what to do.
In April I found out my partner has been paying for only fans while we plan our wedding. I found this out from his credit card. I was very upset and I feel so hurt and angry. He gets what he needs from me , I send him those kind of photos / videos myself and I absolute hate to come across like I think I’m great, I don’t but my photos are up there with the kind of girls on only fans. I’m confident and I always get compliments and take pride in my body, his friends even make funny comments on how he got with a girl like me. It’s knocked my confidence completely now and I feel sad. Like what he gets from me clearly isn’t enough that he needs to go and pay for it !
I don’t understand why on earth he is paying for this ! We was really struggling over Christmas we had no money and we have 3 children , I’m sad because he knew how hard I was trying to get them presents ,
I was selling all my old clothes for example because he would constantly tell me how broke he is because of all the bills his having to pay but he was able to pay for other women. Let me add a week after I found this out I found out I was pregnant and I ended up in hospital because it was an ectopic.
I had to go for surgery and have my tube removed. I was also very upset with this because he promised me he would have the snip before we even decided to have our last baby and he then wouldn’t go through with he complained about using condoms and I was having problems with the pill it was making me so miserable I would bleed all the time and I actually ended up pregnant, now I know that’s on us both but I can’t help that I felt let down by the promise he made to have it done. He would get very angry if I would ask or bring it up.
The pregnancy and the only fans really messed me up and for months iv felt in a very dark place. He denied the only fans and shouted a lot of abuse at me until he finally had to give up the fight and try to do all the sorry’s so that I would take him back. Like a mug I have done this and I have tried so hard to get past it but I keep going back to a really dark place. These last 2 months had been better and I tried to push past this because we have all our family looking forward to this wedding. However I was ordering a take away the other day and I see he had recently searched petite slim brunettes and I’m like what the hell !
He went crazy at me said I’m accusing him of this stuff that he didn’t do and so I decided to tell him that I wanted him to delete all of the photos of myself from his phone we was then in some crazy situation of pulling the phone from my hand in a aggressive way.
I said iv had enough if he wants to look up naked girls pay for them then he doesn’t need mine ! I wanted to take that away from him for my own self respect and feelings I asked before and he said no and so that’s why this time we was in a crazy pulling phone situation. This Makes me feel so stupid. I’m so upset. Iv not even spoken to him now in 2 days while his sleeping on the sofa like the victim. We are due to marry in 2 weeks and I’m back in this horrible dark place. I know his not going to change his a compulsive lier and there is so much more horrible stories I could tell. I feel so sad I don’t know why I love him. I don’t know what I’m even doing. He thinks his such a good guy because as his says his never cheated on me I’m acting like his cheated on me he will say. I feel like im
going crazy my poor children and looking forward to this holiday. I was looking forward to it I spent a lot of money on my dress and I’m just doing this now for all the wrong reasons.

I think telling everyone the real reason would be dangerous and put the OP in a vulnerable position of potential violence or revenge porn. You could just say you're both going through some difficult issues that you need to 'see if you can work through', so for now are cancelling the wedding.

My close friend cancelled hers due to her partner being a bit controlling (jealousy) and hadn't told her he had significant gambling debts which would put her finances at risk to buy a house together. She knew it wasn't right and it was a huge relief for her once the decision was made.

On another note, I stated far too long in a similar relationship to yours (crap with money and porn addiction) and wouldn't have been suprised if my ex had been cheating on his 'lads' nights out that I wasn't allowed on. It sounds like he's gaslighting you every time you try and call him out.

Ditch him. It will be hard, but it opens you up to meeting someone who will treat you and your children with the kindness and respect you deserve.

Please don't make my mistakes I knew I shouldn't get married but felt pressured by the fact it was booked and people were traveling ect. This led to severeral years of abuse before I finally broke free your worth so much more than a man who has no respect for you or your children.

Your friends and family will have so much more respect for you if you call it off before the wedding. Don’t hide the reasons either - let them know exactly what he’s done.

Being beautiful or not yourself has nothing to do with whether a man will do this or not. Or to put it another way, it isn’t more forgivable if the partner of a less beautiful woman does this - it’s vile and disrespectful whoever you are, whatever you look like. This is all on him. Do NOT let this touch your self esteem or sense of worth. This is who he is.

Can you cancel the wedding, ditch the creep and take the kids on the holiday anyway?

What would you say to one of your kids in this situation?

You know what to do- the best of luck doing it.

You've had lots of great advice here @Strawberrylatte I do hope you can find the strength to follow it and go on and live a much happier life without this awful man. There's plenty of help available for women in abusive relationships, please find some to help you leave. Stay safe.

Princess Diana had doubts about getting married but was told she had to go through with it as her face was on tea towels

If you decide to go through with it you are doing so with the full knowledge that he will continue buying porn. Can you trust him on a night out to not go and buy a prostitute?
He has no issue gas lighting you, lying to you and putting his selfish desires in front of his own children's Christmas presents.

If it were me I would go on holiday without him. Is other people's upset about the wedding enough to make you go through with it and divorce after?

You're not weak, but you do sound afraid to be alone and to publicly admit the end of your relationship.

The worst thing you could do is go through with the wedding for the sake of others. And though while you will lose money now, the financial and emotional cost of divorce further down the line will be so much more.

To be pay for that when you were struggling with money is disgusting and the abuse you have received from him after confronting him is absolutely vile. I would not want my daughter/sister/mother/friend shackled to such a man.

Take your children and go abroad whilst he packs his bags, but don't marry this awful human.

Be brave, you can do it alone because you sound like you already are.

Sending you support from afar x

I think you need to remind yourself that you don’t need his permission to end it. You don’t need him to admit everything, you know he gaslights you and plays everything down, and you know he plays the victim. You don’t need for him to say “yeh you’re right, I’ve been at it again”. You KNOW what he did. The damage is done, you don’t need his permission.
The sooner for you and everyone meant to be flying in 2 weeks the better. End it, tell your nearest and dearest and get them to do the ringing around to make sure people know.

It's not too late to back out OP, but do it now, not the day before, to give your guests time to cancel arrangements.

Im not sure I'd go down the route of "marry him and divorce later for a better financial claim" as you'd have to stay with him a while, and it sounds as though you don't have a lot of money together anyway. Hopefully your house is jointly owned and you can claim your share if you do separate. This is not a man you want to be tied to for the rest of your life.

This is what I was thinking as well.

Clearly you're going to have to leave him at some point, or make peace with his (to me, totally unacceptable) behaviour.

But if you'll be more financially secure from marrying him then it would be totally reasonable to go ahead.

Those 90 people know he’s an arsehole and are wondering why a nice girl like you are marrying a prick like him.
Don’t think they aren’t.

Be smart. Leave now before you have to go through the hassle of getting divorced.

I think it is highly unlikely your boyfriend (he's not your partner in any sense of the word) hasn't actually cheated, and you need an urgent STI check. You shouldn't really be having sex with him without using a condom at the very least, to protect yourself.

Men like this will always want what you can't give them, no matter what you look like and how you look after yourself.

He sounds disgusting with all the lies and the way he's treating you over this I'd say you're being abused .
Do not marry this man .

This - as they say on here, get your ducks in a row. Make sure you make this a financial decision, not an emotional one. Get an appointment with a good solicitor. You may not have to stay with him for all that long, as the time you've been together with children will also be taken in consideration.

Nailed it, again.
I don't know how the very first posters do it.
Don't marry this man, you'll be better off without him.
😕

You’re not ending it. HE’S ended it, by his behaviour.

Ah, I just thought that maybe I should tell you what I hope my reaction would be if I was in your place @Strawberrylatte.

I would go out with my fiancé to a public but quiet place (not a pub, but possibly a not very busy coffee shop), and then tucked into a corner I would ask him as calmly as possible why he ever started paying for these interactive websites. I would tell him that I don't understand it at all when he has a real life/live partner, and it really hurts me, so I absolutely need to understand why he does such things? I would then explain to him that I just couldn't go through with the wedding at this time if he can't or won't be honest, and open up to me. If my fiancé stayed calm and at least seemed to open up about his feelings, and if he agreed to see a counsellor with me, then I would feel in a much better position to be able to make such a potentially life changing decision.

Personally, I would have to tell everyone that the wedding was off, if that was what I decided needed to happen, but that I would love it if everyone who wanted to still went on the holiday, and if the reception couldn't be cancelled, we should still have a party! But then I have been around for a long time now, so I don't think that 'game playing' should be part of any partnerships - unless it is a shared mutual desire, and a safe word is strictly adhered to!

You say you feel you have been weak. The weak thing to do would be to marry this clusterfuck.

Make the decision, get help from everyone to get the message out and get away from this total wanker. You can't live a healthy life with this sort of shizz going on. You are not a team.

I'd be pretty hacked off to go abroad to a wedding where the bride didn't even want to be married to him. I'd much rather have a holiday!

OP listen to your gut. This is your life. Take back control of it.

Contrary to the popular mumsnet opinion I don’t think there’s anything wrong with watching porn… honestly I think asking someone to never watch porn again is a very strict boundary. If that’s really how you feel though then you need to set a very clear boundary for him that you never want him to watch any kind of porn.
Is there something else going on here though? It seems like you really don’t want to marry him. Don’t worry about the cost and inconvenience of cancelling a wedding, it’ll be much more expensive and inconvenient to get divorced.

OP, don’t tie yourself legally to a man you don’t really know properly. What you do know isn’t good enough and you don’t like it. Your relationship is detrimental to you. It isn’t making you happy.
Are you in control of your joint finances. Do you know for sure that he isn’t in debt? Don’t lumber yourself and your children with his poor character or his debt. You and the children deserve better. Your value is much more than your beautiful body OP. And he isn’t able to see that, poor man. He is despicable.

I know this feels like an impossible situation for you and it feels easier to go along with it all.
But if you do that, just think of the moment you stand at the altar with him. Will you be able to tell lies in that moment? Will you be able to pledge your vows to him without breaking down in tears because you absolutely know he’s not what you want or deserve. You will know he is lying when he makes his vows. Can you continue to stand there and smile and pretend?

If he wanted this wedding to go ahead, he would be pleading with you and begging forgiveness and promising never to do it again, not staying away from you and acting like your victim. He isn’t giving you any glimmer of hope at all…even if you could believe him. That alone would kill the whole relationship for most girls I think.

I can see the only way out now is for you to tell your mum and best friends everything. Lean on them for help and advice after telling them exactly what has happened, how he speaks to you and how you feel about it.

You can’t shoulder this burden on your own now OP. It’s far too much for you.
Let your friends and family help you decide what to do. You can get over this.
Thinking of you.

Did you miss the bit where she is selling her clothes to get by? He's PAYING for it. That's what's getting up OP's nose as much as anything.

Speaking as someone who cancelled a wedding abroad at the last minute, cancel it! Everyone who loves you will understand. Being temporarily embarrassed (and in my case, it was not nearly as bad as I feared once I bit the bucket) is not a good reason to commit yourself to a miserable life!