To lbecome a SAHM if I don’t want to?

[Yesgojess]

My husband works in finance and works 12 hour days including commuting, and once a week will be out late with clients. The kids (18 months and 3) love him but he’s very much fun dad. I do all the hard graft, everything at home falls to me and I’m trying to hold down a part time senior level professional job that I worked hard for. The thing is I’m just crumbling. I’m burnt out week to week, I do all the meals, drop offs, pick ups, housework, cleaning, organising. He leaves the house before the kids wake up (and they are both up before 6), and then it’s just non stop until they are in bed. If he gets back in time he will stick them in the bath while I clean up downstairs but it’s all just a mad rush and it’s not like he takes over, I’m still just grafting alone all day. He’ll do the dishwasher once a day, make a soup and a few brunches on the weekend and that’s about it. He thinks this counts as being “non-stop” and “doing everything” outside of work. Neither of us ever get any down time. It’s been all go ever since we had our second. Not to mention when he started a new job and I had a 21 month and 8 week old and he said he needed to sleep in a separate room because he had to be on form, while apparently it was fine for me burn out and break down while being made to feel like I was pathetic for not coping.

I’m barely staying on top of my job, it’s impossible to get into the office because the morning juggle is usually so stressful that I’d end up being really late if I went in, added to the stress of being the only one to do pickup if the trains are messed up (which is common). So I stay at home and end up doing a million household jobs and just being stressed out all the time. We had a cleaner who had to leave the country a few months ago and I tried getting a babysitter in to help and she kept flaking, but despite all this think ultimately the issue is I just don’t want to be parenting alone or with paid help and no partner to share the load. It’s just not the same and it’s not what i want. I feel like my own mother who was a single parent and always stressed out doing it all herself. recently I’ve realised that something has to give and I’ve seriously thought about giving up work to stay on top of it all but I just feel so sad about giving up my career to be a skivvy just so my husband’s life can carry on as normal. We’ve talked about all sorts of options but he’s just so intent upon needing a ridiculous amount of financial security at the expense of my mental health. I feel like I just hate him for leaving it all to me and I fantasise about leaving him. Struggling to see what’s best for the kids in all of this because I just want them to have a happy home life with some equality and not a stressed out mom and absent dad. What should I do? Would you quit, give him an ultimatum? Spend all of his money and stop giving a shit? I just don’t know what to do. Things are so bad I’m just crying all the time, still getting support from the peri natal mental health team and just see no sign of things getting any better.

thank you for reading if you’ve got this far. I know it’s a first world problem and people have it so much worse for so many reasons

Frankly the only person who can make your life better is your DH and he isn't onboard with it. Is there a reason he's so focused on finances or is it an excuse to work more and leave everything to you? Giving up work is totally your decision Op but be assured, if you do stay at home you really will end up doing everything, if he thinks he's doing a lot now (he isn't) he'll be glad to let you take over completely. In a few years time you'll be resentful and the DC will hardly see him- couldn't you talk this over/ get marriage counselling rather than just give him his own way?

He needs to change job, it’s not compatible with being a husband and father, but I doubt he will as he seems to prioritise his wants over the family. If you’ve been thinking of leaving maybe as a last ditch attempt, say it to him, he needs to change or your out.

My DH also has a senior role in finance and he has some non-negotiables including doing the school run a couple of times a week and WFH the odd day so he can do school activities. When the at became difficult in his previous role, he found a new (and better paid) job. Your DH is choosing this lifestyle because it works for him, not because it's best for you and your family.

Please don’t leave your job - buy in as much help as you can and try to go to the office.
If things carry on this way you may be best to split with him and be a lone parent most of the week - you’ll feel less resentful and he can have them to himself every other weekend or more!
Would he go for marriage counselling?

If he won't listen you need couples therapy ASAP. Life with tiny children is handwork even without the stress of a job and partner not pulling his weight. Get a new cleaner, you must be able to afford one at least once per week. What about a nanny? This would take the stress out of drop offs and pick ups and you could actually get into work and have a break. Whatever you do don't give up your job especially if you love it. You don't want to be financially reliant on him. Is there any scope to reduce your hours further even for a short time?

Well the short term solution is to get a nanny! I had a similar situation and having a nanny made an enormous difference. Once kids were at school we had a nanny housekeeper. Made all of our lives so much better.

long term you have to decide if you want to stay in this marriage. I always knew DH was a live to work type so I went in eyes open. But he always made sure he prioritised spending time with the kids at weekends and holidays and would work from home late evenings so he could do bath time a couple of nights a week

Between you, you need to agree to out source a lot of the housekeeping.

Me and my OH both worked full time (finance in the city) when we had DS1. It was insanely busy. They we had DS2 and my OH went down to 3 days but kept his senior job. It just didn’t work, he wasn’t able to focus enough on it to make it work. I think you either both focus on your career and get ALL the help in (nanny, cleaner etc) or one of you takes a career break.

I sympathise as my husband has a "greedy" job - always on, long hours, very demanding. I also work full time in finance, but my job is not as demanding (nor as highly paid) as his.

I have not wanted to give up my job, and he's supportive of that. He agreed that if we both wanted to continue working, we need to set ourselves up for success. This meant a cleaner, an after school nanny three days a week, and time for each of us to recharge at the weekend.

Does your husband care if you keep your job or not? If your career important to you and he's not supportive, that fundamental issue needs to be resolved before you can start to look for solutions. But if he's really earning all that much, by all means, get in as much help as you can!

This. His total inability to combine parenting with his job is not your problem.

Thanks everyone. I do agree @Icanttakethisanymore and part of me would love/ feels like I need to take a break for a few years because my brain just can’t take any more. I don’t care about my career more than being with my children while they are small, but I feel resentful that I have to do way more than my share with the children and be in a position where I have to make that choice. Plus all the well known pitfalls of getting back into work, when i’d still be juggling everything myself and might never find anything flexible enough. The finance job isn’t very stable either so he’ll definitely have to retrain at some point, presumably once I’ve finished raising his children so he can kick back 🙄
My employer is great, very family friendly, I’ve worked there 9 years and built up a decent reputation and lots of good will. In all honestly I am thinking of taking some time off sick to regroup and think about what to do. I just feel so resentful that I’ve been left to figure it all out myself.
thank you @Bruisername, a nanny is probably a good idea. We had a sort of nanny who used to be DS’s key worker at nursery but she was flakey and made me more stressed in the end. Just unsure whether to up nursery days and commit to work or drop nursery days and give up on trying to juggle everything. It feels like such a massive decision but one I need to make soon before I go under x

He just keeps acting like he’s doing sooooo much by providing for us and being sooooo hands on when he’s here. Totally disregarding how much I do and acting like I am incapable because I can’t cope. DS has been sick for two full weeks in the last 6 and I’ve had to skip work and land myself in all sorts of stress and I’m just expected to shoulder it with a smile on my face, presumably because his mum just loved being a housewife

Your children are not [solely] your problem. It’s not down to you to work this out, you need to work it out together. You are supposed to be a team, it sounds like you’re the only one on the pitch (sorry to stretch the metaphor). FWIW my OH is now not working and probably won’t go bk at least until our oldest is at school. We came to this conclusion together though… balancing who liked their job more (me) snd who’s job was less stressful (mine) and although he earns slightly more than me, we both earn 150k+ so we could live on either persons wage.

we Always went though agencies for Nannie’s and had 2 excellent ones. You get what you pay for!!

DH needs to adapt his life, not you. Keep your job.

@Icanttakethisanymore oh wow, do you still share the childcare, and is there no resentment? I worry that even if I quit my job it’s still too much of an uneven split. I do need to outsource some housework etc, but have been reluctant to get a nanny because I can’t help feeling like we shouldn’t need one or like its just me continuing to accommodate him shirking, if that makes sense

Sorry just regards your second message about him being an arse about the whole thing. That’s really not on but I don’t know how you get him to understand the work you are doing when he is so oblivious. Well there is one way, divorce him!

it sounds like you have a good gig with your employer (I had the same) so I would definitely stay part time and buy in help. Use the time you have to work out how you see your future and whether or not it’s with your husband

becoming a sahm won’t stop the resentment - it will make it worse.

I had my first in a nursery and moved to a nanny with my second because it worked out cheaper! I only had the nanny on my working days and it made life so much easier as I could get to work with no stress and come home to fed children. I would do bath and bed. It was so much better for both me and the kids (and DH!). Doing it all is too much for you and the kids - stop bringing him into it

As someone who was a sahm it is not an easy option. In your position I would honestly hire in help, get a proper nanny and a cleaner or someone who can do laundry/tidying as well as cleaning.

There is no shame in paying for help, you are doing the vast majority of this single handed which isn't what you signed up for. Your "D"h is off living his life with his job and you are the one run ragged. I put Ds into nursery one day a week both for him and also for me.

If you become a sahm then the resentment will just build.

You need to check but I believe that legally he can tell work he has to collect the kids e.g. twice per week & take them to school twice per week. He may also be able to request a day a week to wfh. All of that may be legal either for child care reasons or to support a dependent/ spouse health reasons . Ask ACAS. There is some law about time off reasonable requests related to childcare & dependent support including spouse.
if that legally isn’t possible then I think you need to look into a part time childminder to do pick ups & dinner for you as often as you need to help you manage.
you also need a cleaner.
you can’t do if all.
This will help you stay in job & give you time back.

He does earn a very good wage but it’s temporary, not many stay past 40 due to burn out. Those who do don’t seem to see their children at all and I’ve got a very dim view of the industry.
He wants to ride the gravy train all the way to the station but I just think it’ll be too late by then and I will hate him and he’ll have missed it all. He also doesn’t really know what else to do without retraining, earning much less, entering the unknown etc. Keeps saying he doesn’t see how any other job will be better for work life balance but this is all he’s ever know so maybe he really is just clueless.
We do have backup funds but we’ve never found time to sit down and work it all out but I think we will do that now I’ve reached my breaking point. I have told him I can’t really see a future in which I don’t detest him if I have to sacrifice my career on top of every last bit of my sanity and he appears to be taking me seriously for once, but he does have a terribly short memory and tendency to forget it all once it blows over

If you can, I would stay at work part time but increase the nursery days so you get a day to yourself to help with your overall wellbeing. I would also get a cleaner

I doubt he will have to retrain - he just needs to be savvy about what the career paths are because if he is doing what I think there are plenty of other options. Yes some burn out but a lot plan their ship jumping to maximise what they want out of the change. He needs to get his head out of his arse and start looking beyond his screen bank

Don't enable him by leaving your job and then being solely dependent on him financially. You have a good job, a good employer so focus on yourself.

Get a cleaner twice a week, up a day in nursery - enable yourself. Your goal should be how can things be better for you.

Even if you need to spend from your own pocket, forget him and forget about being a super mum. Think about yourself!

He is a parent as much as you are and needs to take on half the responsibility at home.

That includes the planning and the doing. And the fallout if there are any issues.

he can outsource as much of this as he likes to eg cleaner or nanny if he doesn’t want to change jobs but he organises and pays for it. And deals with any cancellations etc. if nursery etc he needs to sort pick up / drop off too.

he can outsource to you if you both agree that you will cut your hours etc but you shouldn’t be worse off for it financially (including pension etc) so he will have to make sure of they.

He’s responsible for half of sick days etc as well.

if he thinks he’s doing everything, sit down together and make a list of every little task in a week and how long each takes. He’ll soon see that there are a million things you deal with that he doesn’t even notice.