To lbecome a SAHM if I don’t want to?

[Yesgojess]

My husband works in finance and works 12 hour days including commuting, and once a week will be out late with clients. The kids (18 months and 3) love him but he’s very much fun dad. I do all the hard graft, everything at home falls to me and I’m trying to hold down a part time senior level professional job that I worked hard for. The thing is I’m just crumbling. I’m burnt out week to week, I do all the meals, drop offs, pick ups, housework, cleaning, organising. He leaves the house before the kids wake up (and they are both up before 6), and then it’s just non stop until they are in bed. If he gets back in time he will stick them in the bath while I clean up downstairs but it’s all just a mad rush and it’s not like he takes over, I’m still just grafting alone all day. He’ll do the dishwasher once a day, make a soup and a few brunches on the weekend and that’s about it. He thinks this counts as being “non-stop” and “doing everything” outside of work. Neither of us ever get any down time. It’s been all go ever since we had our second. Not to mention when he started a new job and I had a 21 month and 8 week old and he said he needed to sleep in a separate room because he had to be on form, while apparently it was fine for me burn out and break down while being made to feel like I was pathetic for not coping.

I’m barely staying on top of my job, it’s impossible to get into the office because the morning juggle is usually so stressful that I’d end up being really late if I went in, added to the stress of being the only one to do pickup if the trains are messed up (which is common). So I stay at home and end up doing a million household jobs and just being stressed out all the time. We had a cleaner who had to leave the country a few months ago and I tried getting a babysitter in to help and she kept flaking, but despite all this think ultimately the issue is I just don’t want to be parenting alone or with paid help and no partner to share the load. It’s just not the same and it’s not what i want. I feel like my own mother who was a single parent and always stressed out doing it all herself. recently I’ve realised that something has to give and I’ve seriously thought about giving up work to stay on top of it all but I just feel so sad about giving up my career to be a skivvy just so my husband’s life can carry on as normal. We’ve talked about all sorts of options but he’s just so intent upon needing a ridiculous amount of financial security at the expense of my mental health. I feel like I just hate him for leaving it all to me and I fantasise about leaving him. Struggling to see what’s best for the kids in all of this because I just want them to have a happy home life with some equality and not a stressed out mom and absent dad. What should I do? Would you quit, give him an ultimatum? Spend all of his money and stop giving a shit? I just don’t know what to do. Things are so bad I’m just crying all the time, still getting support from the peri natal mental health team and just see no sign of things getting any better.

thank you for reading if you’ve got this far. I know it’s a first world problem and people have it so much worse for so many reasons

Not married - ffs don't quit work! I worked part time when the dcs were small/primary school age, with a DH who didn't pull his weight. I was dead on my feet with the sheer load of it all.

But I kept working and then, when I eventually had to divorce, I had the financial confidence to choose to do so. Too many of my friends are trapped in bad marriages because they gave up work.

It sounds negative, but protect yourself here. Absolutely buy in and outsource what you can - cleaning, nanny, laundry etc. If he's not pulling his weight now, he's not going to change, so set up your life the best you can.

You sound like you'd benefit from therapy to work through all this.

I had a really bad incident at the start of this year. I got so burned out with the sheer exhaustion of it all that I came close to crashing my car on the motorway. I broke my foot at a soft play and DH didn’t believe anything was wrong, wouldn’t take a day off so I could go to A&E and I was still on mat leave running around parks for a week like a total mug making it worse. Reached the end of the week, couldn’t walk and had a total breakdown and really just thought about ending it all as I couldn’t take much more. Since then I’ve had support from the perinatal mental health team including therapy, which has been good.
tbh writing this all down just makes my husband look worse and worse. Gah.
but I just went straight back to work 2 weeks after that and haven’t had any time off at all as I’m still using my leftover annual leave to fill childcare gaps so they only do 3 days in nursery. Unfortunately I dropped this to 2 days because of the key worker/ babysitter but she has flaked so much it’s just all got on top of me again and I’m right back at rock bottom

OP your partner isn't a nice man. There is nothing that you've posted that makes him sound like a decent parent and partner. He sounds as if he doesn't value you or his children. If you gave him an ultimatum and told him he needed to choose between his ridiculous job or his family, what would he do?

My husband works in finance. I went back to work for a year after DC2 and quit because I was doing a shit job at being a mum and a less than great job at work. Because I was doing evening and weekend parenting and it burnt me out. I was drowning.

I an now a SAHM and have issues in my marriage as my husband doesn’t really respect me or share family money.

but the plus side, I see my kids all the time and my days are so much easier just making a casserole, going to soft play and hoovering a bit.

i will be going back to work in the next year or so (to a slightly different career as my old job needed me in an office til 6pm and with traffic I kept missing nursery pick up)

im not sure what my advise is OP but I can empathise

@Yesgojess please get yourself a nanny and he can pay for it. Your children need you happy, healthy and alive.

Employ a nanny and as much outside help as possible. Throw money at the problem, it sounds like it would be affordable.

Do not under any circumstances leave your job to become a SAHM!

I really wouldn't give up your career in your position. Your relationship sounds rocky so what happens if you split up?

He either steps up, I'd go one week on one week off, he has complete responsibility for getting dc in and out of bed and to and from school one week, you the next (unrealistic I know but he needs a shock). Or you get a nanny. I had a nanny and it was amazing. I was a single parent and wanted to keep my job. She would turn up and take over breakfast. Take them to school, pick up and feed them all in my home so when I got home they were sometimes in their pj's ready for fun mum to read to them.

@Chillimuma really appreciate this as it sounds very similar. I would most of all like to be a less stressed out mum, and a bit of me thinks that would outweigh enabling my husband to be a shit because I care more about being with them and not missing this time. But i fear that becoming a skivvy and losing the stimulation and independence of work would leave ne just as frazzled.

I’m not getting much work done, I'm constantly distracted and making excuses and just sick of getting stressed and snapping at my 3yo for tiny things like not putting his shoes on when I know it’s just because I’m fed up.
did you find things got easier when you quit, and have you regretted it or missed your job or wished you got your husband to change his job instead?

Fgs employ nannies and cleaners.

I’d hire high quality help over quitting my job. Maybe a PT nanny/housekeeper. Obviously with him paying proportionately to your salaries if you don’t have shared finances.

Just seen this update. Your DP is behaving very callously toward you. That would be a real red line for me.

Keep your job and ditch the DH. He's the issue here.

You deserve better.

Your husband sounds terrible. But leaving him won't change anything you will still be doing it all just without his money coming in. You should certainly think about it though- possibly his attitude is a contributing factor to your mental health. I left my ex who did nothing and while I still do everything I do t feel so down because I'm doing everything and that makes it much easier.

Short term get a nanny. Never quit your job! I was a nanny for many years. I did lots of short term stints for struggling families and longer positions. One job I cooked for the parents too and did their washing- definitely discuss this with your nanny she may be happy to do this. Then have an iPad at home with the online food shop she can add the food and stuff like toilet rolls and toothpaste etc. Probably don't ask her to clean. Nanny housekeepers are a thing but those of us passionate about child development don't want to clean.

Just don't give up your job. It doesn't sound like your husband is supportive at all and you shouldn't sacrifice your career and building your pension etc for a man who possibly won't be around to support you through the fall out of that in years to come

Gosh I have been almost exactly in your shoes, husband in same job and I suspect I do/did the same job as you. Could have written your post about 8 years ago.

Like Chillimuma I burned out about a year after returning post DC2 and quit. Intended to take a short break, but with one thing and another I never went back.

Pros: I am less stressed, the family is less stressed and better taken care of as a whole. DH has been able to pursue & excel at his obscenely lucrative career which means we can live extremely securely and comfortably. If I had made him move to a job where he could be home more, our finances would look rather different now. Cons: I am still resentful of the loss of my career and especially that it happened through burn out from lack of support rather than mutual discussion and choice.

On the whole I think it has turned out ok for us, the pros outweigh the cons, although I will never quite lose that resentment.

Here’s a few major differences between you and me though:

1. I was married and we shared every penny. DH has never questioned my spending or belittled my job .2) DH whilst not home much definitely rolled his sleeves up in the hours he was at home and would have supported me in any health crisis.
2. We had a child with mild SN which made the road a lot bumpier and harder to combine with work.
3. I didn’t have a flexible job or any real ability to wfh (this was pre covid).

In your shoes, I would absolutely try to hang on to my job. Get a good nanny asap (speak to references yourself - a good nanny will get glowing reports). Start planning to get married - not because you necessarily want to stay together but so that you have better rights if you split.

You know you are entitled to unpaid parental leave? Take some of that to recover. And make your DP do more in the night and weekends. You are both working. Any time you are both home things should be shared equally.

Good luck. Happy to chat more by PM if helpful.

Definitely don't quit without a legal wedding cert!!

Hire a Nanny,a proper one. On work days, she comes in of a morning to help with breakfast, you get some calm time together eating, and she stays for an hour after you finish work/to dinner time. Then id put the kids in nursery one day so you get a day to yourself.

Obviously you need a nanny and a cleaner.

You'd be mad to give up work.

Tricky one. You do sound like you would like to leave your job but you probably also feel like why should you have to?
But if he chooses to work like he does, take advantage of it and become a sahm.
He doesn't sound like he is going to change you may as well quit and put your focus into your kids and enjoy the time before they go to school.
Tough age but also a cute one.
You sound very stressed and unhappy. People striving for some unobtainable dream that the government just screw's you over with taxes and bills and mortgages and interest rates.
It's all too stressful.
Enjoy your babies and quit your job.
You'll get another one when they're older, it might not be the same sector but it could be a good opportunity to change to something you love.

Right. I've just read your update that you are not married.
Definitely do not quit your job!!! Might wanna out those details in your OP.

I had this when my kids were little -I had literally no downtime.
We are now divorced and I am so relieved I did not give up my job to SAH as I wouldn’t have had the confidence or money for the lawyers to divorce him.
I wish I been more insistent that he did more with kids /proper stuff not just Disney -for their sake as well as mine.
I am not at all a LTB champion but in your case if he won’t listen or go to counselling I actually would and wish I had then, rather than when I was 60…

Personally I would never become a sahm just to pick up the slack from an unsupportive husband!
This has resentment and ultimately being fucked over in a separation in however many years time written all over it.

This has nothing to do with stay at home mums and their validity, it has everything to do with your husband not respecting you and not viewing children as something he is equally responsible for.

Errrm - that’s total BS! I mean about the tax - how exactly would that have cost him tax???? Not like back in the 60s when people waited to get married st the end of the tax year….

If you're not legally married, stopping work would be madness. Absolute madness.

Keep your job.

Agree with all PP who say get a nanny and a cleaner asap. If he complains about the cost, be very clear it is that, or you split and you’ll move back to Birmingham. Same with getting legally married, it’s ultimatum time.

It sounds like you’re soon not going to have any choice about being off sick, but I’d be wary of ‘choosing’ this option. A week or two isn’t going to be enough to recover, and unless you both make changes at home it will be very hard to think about going back. You could end up on long-term sick and losing your job that way, which would be much worse than taking a career break.

Do you do his shirts? Leave a meal out for him getting home? Stop anything like that immediately.