To lbecome a SAHM if I don’t want to?

[Yesgojess]

My husband works in finance and works 12 hour days including commuting, and once a week will be out late with clients. The kids (18 months and 3) love him but he’s very much fun dad. I do all the hard graft, everything at home falls to me and I’m trying to hold down a part time senior level professional job that I worked hard for. The thing is I’m just crumbling. I’m burnt out week to week, I do all the meals, drop offs, pick ups, housework, cleaning, organising. He leaves the house before the kids wake up (and they are both up before 6), and then it’s just non stop until they are in bed. If he gets back in time he will stick them in the bath while I clean up downstairs but it’s all just a mad rush and it’s not like he takes over, I’m still just grafting alone all day. He’ll do the dishwasher once a day, make a soup and a few brunches on the weekend and that’s about it. He thinks this counts as being “non-stop” and “doing everything” outside of work. Neither of us ever get any down time. It’s been all go ever since we had our second. Not to mention when he started a new job and I had a 21 month and 8 week old and he said he needed to sleep in a separate room because he had to be on form, while apparently it was fine for me burn out and break down while being made to feel like I was pathetic for not coping.

I’m barely staying on top of my job, it’s impossible to get into the office because the morning juggle is usually so stressful that I’d end up being really late if I went in, added to the stress of being the only one to do pickup if the trains are messed up (which is common). So I stay at home and end up doing a million household jobs and just being stressed out all the time. We had a cleaner who had to leave the country a few months ago and I tried getting a babysitter in to help and she kept flaking, but despite all this think ultimately the issue is I just don’t want to be parenting alone or with paid help and no partner to share the load. It’s just not the same and it’s not what i want. I feel like my own mother who was a single parent and always stressed out doing it all herself. recently I’ve realised that something has to give and I’ve seriously thought about giving up work to stay on top of it all but I just feel so sad about giving up my career to be a skivvy just so my husband’s life can carry on as normal. We’ve talked about all sorts of options but he’s just so intent upon needing a ridiculous amount of financial security at the expense of my mental health. I feel like I just hate him for leaving it all to me and I fantasise about leaving him. Struggling to see what’s best for the kids in all of this because I just want them to have a happy home life with some equality and not a stressed out mom and absent dad. What should I do? Would you quit, give him an ultimatum? Spend all of his money and stop giving a shit? I just don’t know what to do. Things are so bad I’m just crying all the time, still getting support from the peri natal mental health team and just see no sign of things getting any better.

thank you for reading if you’ve got this far. I know it’s a first world problem and people have it so much worse for so many reasons

If your DH is earning big bucks surely you can afford a nanny who can come over in the morning and help with getting ready + drop off and pickup in the afternoon and then dinner etc. instead of leaving your job & career you should think of ways of focussing more on it - it's your escape from the house drudgery!

Outsource childcare on the days you work, outsource cleaning and if possible cooking. Go into the office few times a week and regain your sanity.

I have very little hope of your DH changing, if he objects to the nanny - he can do the school run on those days. Be firm and protect yourself!

This may already have been mentioned, I have been reading OPs posts. If he works for a big US bank they sometimes have limited emergency childcare options. Extra days at nurseries or emergency nannys. They are sometimes subsidised but certainly not cheap. Can you utilise an emergency nanny for extra support for a few weeks until you can sort a long term solution? He can also take parental leave. I work in banking and there has definitely been a shift in the last decade where men take advantage of parental / paternity leave and flexible hours. A lot of our team with young kids start at 9.30 or 10 on some days so they can do school drop. It’s more accepted that people will do this.

I’ve just caught up with all your posts. If I was in your shoes I wouldn’t resign. I managed to get through nursery with two in a finance role then got made redundant just before the second was due to start school. I struggled to not work and ended up in some local school hours jobs for a decade. It’s actually harder to cover the kids when they are at school than nursery (unless he does go into teaching). I did get back into finance after that decade
but in a much lesser role but I enjoy the social side of it and I still have a mortgage to pay. Until they start secondary this decade is the hardest. The first few years the worst but once you get them off to school and things are more settled - what is left for you? Even if you are married I would advise to always have your own income - it’s gives you choices.

his company does offer emergency nannies and I tried it once or twice but it wasn’t great. The two they sent didn’t even speak English which was pretty baffling for my very young children 🙈
i do struggle with the nanny thing. The kids are very attached to me and the only one I think would have really worked was DS’s key worker - she was amazing and they loved her, but she’s having a baby now. DS is very sensitive, to the point where he cried at nursery drop off every single time from age 1 up to 3. He just about goes in happily now but is very anxious about it. DD is also very clingy, though she does seem to enjoy nursery more than her brother does. I like to spend as much time as I can with them and I think they found it pretty confusing having someone at home that wasn’t me. I found a lovely local
student who was brilliant, but they both kept having dreadful meltdowns when I left to go to the gym and it was really stressful. I know feeling guilty is partly my problem but I think when they’re already doing 3 days in nursery I don’t really want additional childcare on top of that. I think a big problem is that it’s just not how I wanted to parent. I didn’t expect quite so little support or appreciation.
And I don’t want to quit my job but I also don’t think I can cope carrying on like this. I’ve been very, very vocal about this and he’s “applying for jobs” but I don’t really believe a word he says anymore.

In short, it’s not really about the money or what we can afford, I never intended to parent alone or with Nannies and I can’t buy my way out of his shit attitude IYSWIM

I can understand that - and I did take a career break for similar reasons re few decent quality nanny/nursery options and a child that loathed every single nanny nursery babysitter after school club from the get go and never warmed up to any of it.

It is true that nobody is going to care to the level you will - and also true that you can pay a very high price for that option personally especially with your dh's attitude.

It's not easy is it, constant trade offs for a while until at some point you've got teens that are making their own plans.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

You need a cleaner and a nanny who will put the washing on, do a bit of tidying up and cook the evening meal. You are simply trying to do too much. Please don’t give up your job and become reliant on him. You will probably hate being a SAHM. It really isn’t that much fun.

Yup. Totally get this. All the staff in the world won’t fix the fact that it’s all still on you to manage, mental load cannot be delegated, and the sheer disappointment from the fact you thought parenting would be shared and it isn’t.

Unfortunately you cannot make someone change.

I think everyone sympathies with that. You thought life was going to play out in a certain way and it isn't. It's a perfect example of you can't change how someone else behaves but you can change how you react to it though.
You can't make him be a better husband or father. You can't make him want to be more engaged with family life. What is in your power though is to work out how you now react to that now he is making it crystal clear that he's not going to change.

3 and 21 months !
A few things come to mind having had 2 children close together myself and a husband (now ex) who worked long hours ( more than he needed to as well)

1. At these ages it’s probably at its worst and in a year or two it will be a bit better … so buy in whatever help you can get now to get through it.
2. you need rock solid contraception,
3. I’ve heard plenty of dickhead men at work admit/boast that they are working long hours because it’s easier than looking after their own toddlers
4. I never forgave / got over the resentment I felt towards my husband for his neglect of myself and his children at this stage.

We had a really difficult few weeks after I quit and ended up having a huge Barney where I told him not to come home because if I was going to be a stressed out single parent, I would rather be a stressed out single parent without an extra child with attitude.

He stayed in a hotel, called his mum crying who lapped it up and said I was mad, troubled, damaging my children, “deeply unhappy within myself”, etc, etc. I called her up to say she was talking absolute nonsense and that anybody would break in my position, when she finally revealed that she wanted to kick her husband’s head in every day when her boys were young! A stark change from him being the best thing since sliced bread because he went out to work every day.

He has since managed to get approval to work at home once a week and do the drop off and pick up, do a few chores and cook dinner on those days so I can go into work. Not sure why it took all this faff but it’s a start. I managed to keep my job and feel a bit more positive for the first time in years. 🤞

just wanted to update as I hate threads that are left hanging!

Pleased for you, but he is selfish pig. Dont give him an inch.
He's a disgrace as a man, husband and father to have behaved as he has.

Keep focused on that job.
Mind yourself.
Keep yourself well.
When life gets easier, decide do you want to remain with such a selfish twat.

Do NOT get pregnant whatever you do, if you can still stomach sex with him.

Oh that's good news. I'm glad you've got your job and he's actually changed his working pattern a bit. 👏

That’s a good update. Well done for keeping your job.

As pp says don’t give him an inch or he will revert. Especially, don’t give in to “I know it’s my turn to pick up but I’m snowed at work, can you just…” that is a slippery slope. Don’t do chores he has forgotten or “not had time” to do. He needs to learn to juggle, like pretty much every other parent has to.

And definitely don’t get pregnant!!

Ooooh I'm very glad to hear this! Lmao on your MiL finally having a play date with reality!

So you know that he is failing as a husband and father as it is?

If I were you I'd do the following

• no way would I quit my job (part time, good employer, goodwill == gold dust)
• I'd up the nursery hours to full time for both kids
• I'd get a cleaner/housekeeper 2-3 times a week who can cook, clean, do washing etc (ie most of the housework)
• I would reduce my hours to 3 days/week if that makes sense for the role
• I would work remotely most of time time and go into work couple of times a month mostly for my own benefit

In combination - this will give you breathing time, less housework and yet you will be doing the 2 things you love most - job and kids

Will cost more but that's what your husband is working for. If he can't be there his money needs to work for him.

It's either this or tell him you are leaving and you'll have half of everything which will allow you to do the above as a single mum (I assumed with his huge salary/savings)

Whatever you do, don't quit - that's doing the worst for yourself for the sake of everyone else.