To lbecome a SAHM if I don’t want to?

[Yesgojess]

My husband works in finance and works 12 hour days including commuting, and once a week will be out late with clients. The kids (18 months and 3) love him but he’s very much fun dad. I do all the hard graft, everything at home falls to me and I’m trying to hold down a part time senior level professional job that I worked hard for. The thing is I’m just crumbling. I’m burnt out week to week, I do all the meals, drop offs, pick ups, housework, cleaning, organising. He leaves the house before the kids wake up (and they are both up before 6), and then it’s just non stop until they are in bed. If he gets back in time he will stick them in the bath while I clean up downstairs but it’s all just a mad rush and it’s not like he takes over, I’m still just grafting alone all day. He’ll do the dishwasher once a day, make a soup and a few brunches on the weekend and that’s about it. He thinks this counts as being “non-stop” and “doing everything” outside of work. Neither of us ever get any down time. It’s been all go ever since we had our second. Not to mention when he started a new job and I had a 21 month and 8 week old and he said he needed to sleep in a separate room because he had to be on form, while apparently it was fine for me burn out and break down while being made to feel like I was pathetic for not coping.

I’m barely staying on top of my job, it’s impossible to get into the office because the morning juggle is usually so stressful that I’d end up being really late if I went in, added to the stress of being the only one to do pickup if the trains are messed up (which is common). So I stay at home and end up doing a million household jobs and just being stressed out all the time. We had a cleaner who had to leave the country a few months ago and I tried getting a babysitter in to help and she kept flaking, but despite all this think ultimately the issue is I just don’t want to be parenting alone or with paid help and no partner to share the load. It’s just not the same and it’s not what i want. I feel like my own mother who was a single parent and always stressed out doing it all herself. recently I’ve realised that something has to give and I’ve seriously thought about giving up work to stay on top of it all but I just feel so sad about giving up my career to be a skivvy just so my husband’s life can carry on as normal. We’ve talked about all sorts of options but he’s just so intent upon needing a ridiculous amount of financial security at the expense of my mental health. I feel like I just hate him for leaving it all to me and I fantasise about leaving him. Struggling to see what’s best for the kids in all of this because I just want them to have a happy home life with some equality and not a stressed out mom and absent dad. What should I do? Would you quit, give him an ultimatum? Spend all of his money and stop giving a shit? I just don’t know what to do. Things are so bad I’m just crying all the time, still getting support from the peri natal mental health team and just see no sign of things getting any better.

thank you for reading if you’ve got this far. I know it’s a first world problem and people have it so much worse for so many reasons

Whatever you do,.don't leave your job. Yes maybe sick leave to gather your thoughts and rest.
You don't know what the future holds.
You need to retain your own career and earning ability if you ever ended up by yourself.

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate the replies and advice. He said something about my job having served its purpose because it has paid for both of my maternity leaves… I was like how about your job has served its purpose now it’s completely incompatible with family life!
Feel a bit stupid as I knew he was ambitious but didn’t quite realise the extent of his 1950s attitude. We are 34 and have been together since we were 18! We have a big house (which basically just means more for me to tidy) and don’t exactly live a lavish life as he’s obsessed with saving and paying off the mortgage. We live in London and are fairly isolated as all our friends and family are in Birmingham.
I think I’ll stick it out with work and just increase my demands for help and outsource what I can. And I’ll check the legalities thank you so much @fourdoorsdown. All I ever hear is “it’s just not done here”. It’s an American bank who have clearly purchased his soul.
@Autumnblackberries i am very nervous about being dependent. We didn’t end up getting legally married because of COVID and the whole idea creeps me out. I’m really independent and never live outside of my own means. I asked if he’d pay my pension or share his salary with me and got a very wishy washy response about how I’d never have to worry about money which is interesting given that he questions me even if I buy a fucking £40 cushion

This all sounds like a powder keg OP! I’ve been there with being the part time worker in the relationship and feeling like I should be covering all the bases with kids/home etc - it doesn’t work and leads to resentment and burn out!

1. Get a cleaner and (even temporarily) up childcare to give yourself some headspace. Also some fancy ready meals, Hello Fresh or whatever to take the pressure off cooking for a bit.
2. Set a proper time to sit down with your DH and go through family finances/savings/longer terms plans etc.
3. Look at going to some counselling sessions together (maybe before the finances actually!) it sounds like he’s not on your page at all there’s a real disconnect brewing.

I reckon when you’ve had some time to breathe out and get everything on the table, the choices will feel much less fraught. Sending solidarity x

edit - just saw your update- fuck ‘your job has served its purpose’ all the way to hell!!

Don’t give up your career - your marriage is almost certainly fucked (the only type of person who could stand being married to him is someone who doesn’t actually like him and just wants an invisible source of funds and it sounds as if you once loved him very much).

Use all the money he earns to hire a full time nanny. The most important thing about the nanny (other than that she / he is vaguely competent and won’t actually feed the kids to a tiger) is that you like her. Basically parent with her / him.

Once you are not too exhausted to breathe then you think about your marriage.

We are both basically always contributing. Whether that’s paid work, child care or chores. When I’m not working we parent equally and we share whatever chores my OH hadn’t managed to do whilst I’m working. We occasionally get time for a ‘solo’ activity but it’s broadly even. Neither of us has an easy ride while the other slaves away. We also both have a good understanding of what both roles are like. I’ve done full time childcare, he’s done a serious job so we look out for each other and empathise. Out youngest is now in nursery 4 mornings so that makes both our lives easier because my OH can do a fair bit in that time that normally we’d share on the w/e or when the kids are in bed.

So you're not actually married?

@unsync no bit of a weird one but we eloped and had a wedding abroad and then Covid happened and we couldn’t do the legal uk bit as planned and then I got pregnant in lockdown and we never got round to it 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

@Icanttakethisanymore that sounds like a very balanced split and a nice way for you both to partake!

So you do everything and he doesn't even share money with you?
you work, pay your half and 100% of house and kiddie care? And he works and pays half out of a much larger salary?
Or have I misunderstood?

Actually megalol @unsync I've just remembered we didn’t do it straight away when we got back because he wanted to save some tax 🤣🤦‍♀️

Wait wait wait - are you insane, thinking about giving up your job when you’re not married?? You’re facilitating this workaholism when you’re not even getting the benefit of the financial security it should bring you?

You’re crazy. He’s going to work flat out til he’s forty, when conveniently the kids are much much easier, then kick back with all the money and all the time - and where will you be, exactly?

What is this guy doing for your well being, for your financial security, for your success and your happiness?

@MostlyHappyMummy no I’ve not really represented that fairly. He foots all the household bills and we do share everything. I happen to pay the nursery bills just because I did the viewings and set up the direct debit but there’s no issue with sharing. Recently he took on my credit card bill so I could get him some avios points and he started questioning stuff I buy which has been infuriating. I’m so bloody thrifty (child of a poor single parent), I literally buy all our kids clothes on vinted and never really treat myself. I think I’m just with the wrong man because if I was smarter I’d just rinse him 🫠🙃

When you say you got married abroad why do you need to do the legal bit in the uk. I was married abroad (SE Asia ) and its recognised here . Was it just a ceremony but no actual legally sanctioned celebrant ? For example a lawyer to give you the paper work or a district office registration paper ?

You need to get down to the registry office with him immediately and do not begin to contemplate giving up work without a legal marriage ! Especially to a man who has been non-committal about sharing money !!

OP your partner is a selfish fuckwit who might be successful at work but is completely failing in his role as a parent and partner. I feel annoyed with him just reading your posts, he sounds insufferable.

Does he have to do that job? Could you all move back to Birmingham, live in a cheaper house, work less and have a better quality of life?

Don't give up your job if you value it - tell him he has to step up and put a solution in place so you're not the only one carrying the domestic responsibilities.

Thanks @Hallelujahchorus I think I needed a few reality checks like this as I do feel a bit crazy. We have been together forever, I do love and trust him despite absolutely hating him right now but I know deep down I’m not happy with him right now and could easily end up up shit creek. Not just financially but in terms of my mental health tbh

OP, please do not trust this man.
Listen to your gut, he questions £40.....are you out of your mind.

He pays for a nanny and as much support as possible.
You desperately need to protect yourself.

Do not give up your career.
Don't be another woman who makes a really foolish mistake that she bitterly regrets.
Protect yourself.

I feel like I was a little harsh, I feel a huge amount of sympathy for you, but look at the signs - a guy who is obsessed with money, obsessed with keeping it from the tax man, obsessing about you spending £40, is a guy who will obsess about hiding it from you and keeping it from you in a split. Which he will be entirely entitled to do legally, as you’re not apparently married under UK law (see Mick Jagger and Jerry Hall split).

Get a registry office booked if you want it (his reaction will tell you all) and an appointment with a good nanny agency.

Read what you've just written - his behaviour is affecting your mental health. Does he know that? If not, you need to tell him and he needs to take action. If he knows but he isn't doing anything then why are you with him?

Leave him, and when it's his time to have the kids on his own, he'll realise exactly how much more he should have been doing.

@AboutVattime we did it at short notice and he didn’t want to get hit with a capital gains tax bill. He put our flat in my name, which we were going to sell but then didn’t because of Covid, but he frequently cites that as him showing how happy he is to share finances with me. Eg when I say I wouldn’t like not having a salary he reminds me that I get the rental income from the flat and that the whole thing is in my name if things went tits up and I wanted to sell it. But like everyone else on here I don’t think that counts for much if I give up my entire career and future earning potential to raise his children. And I don’t really count it as my money anyway because it’s not mine and I have my own job? But Essentially we are comfortable and have backups, like savings and the flat, and I don’t see why he has to relentlessly earn money to a) not particularly enjoy it, b) have a stressful home life with me on his back and c) not use the comfort to make life a bit easier right now when it’s at its absolute hardest. Like I’ve already done all the fucking dreadful bits alone like exclusively breastfeeding all night long and doing 2 under 2, when is he going to let me catch a break that’s longer than him taking the kids to the park for an hour or two on a Saturday?!

I’m barely staying on top of my job

I was about to say that you're effectively a single mum....and then I found out you work too?? 😫😮

He just keeps acting like he’s doing sooooo much by providing for us and being sooooo hands on when he’s here

Don't believe this bollocks.

There are plenty of men who mask their selfishness and workaholic natures by making out that it's all for you and the children. It's not. They are at work because even if it's hard, they still much prefer it to being at home with their wife & kids. They'd much rather do that than the hard, tiring, boring bits of parenting.

If he's working 12 hrs a day currently, then all he's doing is working a lesser paying job....just working a ridiculous amount of overtime hours every week. If it's coming at the expense of his family life, then he's not being paid as much as he thinks he is, per hour, is he?

Unfortunately OP, you might have found out the hard way that some men's ideal picture of 'family' is life is one where they mainly get to spread their genes, provide financially, but are largely absent.

This is what I'd do. I'd get a cleaner, send out the laundry and get those easy meals boxes.

I'd see the GP and get a check up as you sound run down and exhausted. You might even be depressed.

I'd have a come to Jesus talk with my husband who is acting like a selfish fuck wit. I would explain that something has to give as I can't cope anymore. That he needs to get a job with fewer hours and more compatible to home life or I'm out. That I want to share a bedroom like a normal married couple and he can't always have his own way.

I would not under any circumstances give up my job but I would take a week off sick to have a rest.

Urgh this is depressing but refreshing. Thought I was going mad, being ungrateful, failing as a parent. Something has to change.
I had a really shit childhood with warring parents who split before I was born and I’m terrified of fucking up my children. Partly why I feel responsible to do it all myself but also why I’m so hesitant to leave him and put them through a split. I’d feel awful if I made their lives worse for my own mental health - even though I know that’s the most important thing for them. It’s just so scary and I feel like I’ve fucked up all my life decisions by being with him

His attitude sounds really awful. 2 young kids is a lot of work and you sound burnt out. It sounds like you can afford to buy in some help ( nanny housekeeper would make a big difference I think to your quality of life, but why won’t he agree to it?
if he thinks it’s so easy then he can go sort all that stuff out then . Very annoying !

Please, whatever you do, don’t give up your job. You will be the stay at home skivvy whilst DH’s career flourishes, and I can assure you none of your 24/7 relentless hard work will be recognised or appreciated. You also don’t want to be reliant on him financially.
Focus on getting paid help to lighten the load for you.