To lbecome a SAHM if I don’t want to?

[Yesgojess]

My husband works in finance and works 12 hour days including commuting, and once a week will be out late with clients. The kids (18 months and 3) love him but he’s very much fun dad. I do all the hard graft, everything at home falls to me and I’m trying to hold down a part time senior level professional job that I worked hard for. The thing is I’m just crumbling. I’m burnt out week to week, I do all the meals, drop offs, pick ups, housework, cleaning, organising. He leaves the house before the kids wake up (and they are both up before 6), and then it’s just non stop until they are in bed. If he gets back in time he will stick them in the bath while I clean up downstairs but it’s all just a mad rush and it’s not like he takes over, I’m still just grafting alone all day. He’ll do the dishwasher once a day, make a soup and a few brunches on the weekend and that’s about it. He thinks this counts as being “non-stop” and “doing everything” outside of work. Neither of us ever get any down time. It’s been all go ever since we had our second. Not to mention when he started a new job and I had a 21 month and 8 week old and he said he needed to sleep in a separate room because he had to be on form, while apparently it was fine for me burn out and break down while being made to feel like I was pathetic for not coping.

I’m barely staying on top of my job, it’s impossible to get into the office because the morning juggle is usually so stressful that I’d end up being really late if I went in, added to the stress of being the only one to do pickup if the trains are messed up (which is common). So I stay at home and end up doing a million household jobs and just being stressed out all the time. We had a cleaner who had to leave the country a few months ago and I tried getting a babysitter in to help and she kept flaking, but despite all this think ultimately the issue is I just don’t want to be parenting alone or with paid help and no partner to share the load. It’s just not the same and it’s not what i want. I feel like my own mother who was a single parent and always stressed out doing it all herself. recently I’ve realised that something has to give and I’ve seriously thought about giving up work to stay on top of it all but I just feel so sad about giving up my career to be a skivvy just so my husband’s life can carry on as normal. We’ve talked about all sorts of options but he’s just so intent upon needing a ridiculous amount of financial security at the expense of my mental health. I feel like I just hate him for leaving it all to me and I fantasise about leaving him. Struggling to see what’s best for the kids in all of this because I just want them to have a happy home life with some equality and not a stressed out mom and absent dad. What should I do? Would you quit, give him an ultimatum? Spend all of his money and stop giving a shit? I just don’t know what to do. Things are so bad I’m just crying all the time, still getting support from the peri natal mental health team and just see no sign of things getting any better.

thank you for reading if you’ve got this far. I know it’s a first world problem and people have it so much worse for so many reasons

Get a proper nanny. It worked out almost the same to have a nanny four days a week as do nursery. Added bonus: less illness for the first few years.
it’s like employing a housewife. I feel sad that she’s off doing the things I’d like to do with my baby, but it’s the only way I’m keeping my job on track.

You must have a fuck ton of money from that combo of jobs ? Outsource everything
One of this company's that ships meal prep
Decent cleaner twice a week
Someone to do ironing etc
Gardener

Only
Focus on being present for your kids and your own job

I just have so much rage for you reading this that I have no constructive suggestions beyond fucking murder the useless uncaring selfish fucking twat.

ok, I do think you need a come to iesus talk where you say these are what is needed- unless I have bought a tractor you do not comment on my expenses. Ever. I am giving you a list of children’s clothes and household htings (eg that extra pillowcase and new grater you need, bin bags, all those thing that just niggle at you, you need to get all of them within the next 7 days without it impacting on the little you do for us and that will be your new life if you want to comment on I bought a cushion for a whole forty fucking pounds. Also, I cannot quit my job while you are like this. Let’s see how the respect goes. From now on you cook once every weekend, I will not shop or answer any questions for this. I am going to go away one night a month and just spend the night on my own recharging because otherwise I will burn out and once again be hopping around on a broken foot for a WEEK because my husband must hate me. Until we have some balance here if you get sick you do not get to do any thing less around the home, if I don’t you don’t. And we are employing a nanny 3 days / 5 days / 7 days, two Nannies, whatever the fuck you need, until i feel human again. You’re not a very good partner, you’re too cheap to marry me but think I should rely on you and give up my job so you can forget you have a family altogether, and my role in life is to facilitate yours. It’s not. I’m not here for that, I deserve respect and my job matters as do I.

My advice is based on you being unmarried. Get a marriage certificate if you want to remain with this man. Set up housekeeper and mother's help from joint account. But honestly he doesn't sound very caring or that he has the best interests of the family at heart. I think you're his support act.

Thanks everyone. I am deffo his support act and me wanting to do everything for the children myself (or ideally with his help rather than paid help) is his get out of jail free card. He doesn’t complain about money per se but is quite tight and won’t spend a penny on himself. thinks I am frivolous when I pretty much only shop in H&M. I am what they might call basic, lol, but I don’t have time to shop or get my nails done or spend much money on myself anyway. That said he doesn't directly complain about what I spend, it’s more than he doesn’t like waste and thinks things like nice cushions are a waste 🙄
His dad was an NHS dentist who is now sat on a huge pension pot after working a job he hated for years and doing absolutely nothing for his children. Never changed a nappy type of man. All his mother does is sing her husband’s praises for being so generous. She is literally a doormat, talks openly about how lucky she is she got to fold his socks and once suggested I fold DH’s trousers for him with a literal trouser press. Makes me sick to be around them now amidst my current situation and all 3 of them act like I am disturbed rather than just pure exhausted. All I ever hear about is how she did it all alone with a toddler and baby twins (DH is one of the twins).
Anyway so of course when they come down now and see DH cook a soup they think he is marvellous and that I’m a lazy entitled bitch who swans off to work and leaves my children. All chalks up to an unbearable situation.
We are actually on holiday right now and sadly it’s not very fun as we are having crisis talks. I was going to get myself signed off when we get back next week because I was off with sick DS all week last week and everything piled up and I broke down. I was ready to quit last Friday and had the idea last minute to get signed off and at least take the two nursery days to have a break for a few weeks, research my options, maybe even do some exercise or have some time to myself that isn’t fraught with pressure and guilt. And then I thought should I just embrace my situation, rinse him for the money he loves so much, start treating myself and laze about on the nursery days instead of killing myself trying to do it all. I would quite enjoy doing that for the next 3 years until DD is in school but my fear is what then? I’m left with no career, a still unhelpful DH and still juggling the school runs alone with potentially no way back into work. One key thing I need to do is speak to my employer and explain my situation. I put a brave face on things and would have preferred to quit with grace than admit defeat but there could be some scope to drop my days right down while we don’t need the money and keep my foot in the door, get a nanny, etc. I just need some time to think and time is the hardest thing to come by so I end up awake from about 3/4am every day worrying about it all.

I agree with everyone telling us to get married. He’s not against it, basically he didn’t want to pay the extra stamp duty for having more than one property when buying our house and then the extra capital gains when we sell it. It’s all part of the ongoing plan to keep saving ready for the day his job disappears or he burns out. A mad way to live but seems to be quite important to him. Unlike my health or his family.

omg sorry this is soooo long.

Please stop calling him your husband.
You are not married.
You have none of the legal protections.

You need to use the real words, a partner, father of your children, not husband.

Sorry OP but using incorrect terms is confusing you.

You have no protections.
If he walks away, you are a single mother.

Look at CM and see what you would get?
He could really mess you up.

Keep that job.
Time to buy in all help and protect your job.

Protecting your job, protects your children.

Sorry, force of habit and i can’t seem to edit the original post!! Appreciate it’s confusing for me and everyone else 🤦‍♀️

OP people in your position cope by hiring a nanny. It saves time on drop offs and pick ups and she can do simple tasks at home like hanging the washing etc.

Your husband should at least try to negotiate some flexibility at work. It's impossible to be present parent when he's at work 12h a day plus commute.

You have much bigger issues than it first seemed!

have you asked him what he wants to do when this job ends and if he still expects to have a family?

I hate to say it but I know a few men who have been career focussed and neglected family 1 and then once they’ve suddenly decided to join the land of the living they end up leaving and having family 2 and are much more hands on etc etc. funnily enough the failure of family 1 is never their fault…

This sounds like me 12 months ago. I chose to stop working because company wanted me in the office 3 days a week and I couldn't manage it with school drop off / pick up. Husband travels 2 weeks of the month so him taking over not an option.

It has been significantly less stressful only having house and kids to focus on, but I feel incredibly financial vulnerable and it has created a friction where I now HAVE to do everything and he thinks he can do nothing but complains we just spend his money. The balance is wrong and resentment both ways is building.

Try not to leave your job and find alternative support if your DH is not an option (to help).

Do not give up work when you have a DH who wants the family team run entirely on his terms, especially as you have an employer who values you. However long you have been together he is not treating the relationship as a team if he is completely opting out in this way. The fact that he still leaves it to you even when he is home is very telling.

Outsource more of the home front - cleaners, gardeners, childcare, housekeeping - whatever it takes to enable you to keep one foot firmly in the workplace and get a little time off.

What is he doing at weekends? How much "non contact" time do you get from both DC and work?

Outsource all drudgery, get a fantastic nanny, then claim back some of your time. See how that works before giving up your career.

If you can afford it I would get a nanny for the days you work at least.
It's not doable to have two kids, two big jobs and run a house successfully on your own. Not without one or both of you becoming very unhappy in the process. I did this in my first marriage. We are now not married anymore and this was some of the reason why!

12 hour days in finance aren't uncommon are they? Not ideal but the finance guys and one woman I know have had to work like that for ten-fifteen years or so, til they are set up for life then can take it down a notch. Can you even afford for him to take a less well paying job?
If so then of course it's a discussion to be had. But if not either short or long term then hiring in the help will be your friend.

In all honesty I would get in paid help, don't give up your job. It sounds like you have a good job and a supportive employer and that's worth its weight in gold. Your marriage is currently under strain from the pressures and should it break down, you will be so glad you still have that job.

I'd get someone who can drop the kids to school, do the housework /laundry and batch cook some meals for the fridge /freezer etc. Focus on doing the important things with your kids that will mean the most to them, maybe that's picking them up from school on a Friday to do a special treat, getting to school plays etc. Outsource some of the routine stuff eg school pick ups / drop offs

I think it's a common male thing to think they are doing their part by being a provider, but that's not compatible with women wanting their own careers - and needing their own careers as insurance.

My friend went through exactly this- except his job also included international travel.
They almost separated but when he realised she was serious he dropped a day at work and he took over on one of her working days. He was a finance high flyer and had seen the divorces all around him. His bank were reluctant but didn't want to lose him.
You might need to cry a lot and go to couples counselling to drag your DH into the 21st century. I'm so sorry that the burden is on you!
Also - get a proper nanny.

At the weekend he’ll take them out once for a few hours, and I usually spend that time cleaning, tidying, or batch cooking. Sometimes he’ll take them out twice if I’ve had a particularly bad week. The weekends are usually spent with me in crisis mode and what’s also quite hard is that I feel like I just need some nice family time where I’m not just doing it all myself OR being left at home to do drudgery. I’ve tried to use that time to exercise or do something for myself but I’m usually too exhausted and it just means the other stuff builds up anyway.
he does “try” and help out but at times it’s fucking annoying - like he’ll grab a load of stuff out of the fridge and make something when I’ve already allocated it for xyz meals and then the double whammy is I’m left to look after the kids while he does it. And if I moan about anything then the tiny break I’ve had gets thrown back in my face because “he never gets one”.

It’s just not a sustainable life at all. I think I’m struggling with the idea of outsourcing it all (e.g. his parents scoff whenever they go out around here and see a nanny), but I realise it’s the only immediate solution without me crumbling and I can’t keep caring what people think.

i frequently ask him what kind of life he wants and he seems to think comfort is the only thing to aim for. He even said we wouldn’t be able to go on nice holidays if he changed his job which is just not true and I haven’t enjoyed the last 3 we’ve been on in the past year because I’ve been burned out for all of them.

my job is by no means high-flying. It’s a 50k senior marketing manager job. But I enjoy it, I can pretty much do what I want as long as I go in once a week and I know how valuable that is and am very scared to lose it for a selfish wanker.

He also just looks bloody knackered all the time and I feel bad for going on about how much I have on my plate if that makes sense. I am a mug, I know, but I care about this person and I think if he took his head out of his arse we could have a good life. Many of our friends are envious of our setup because they see the big house and don’t see me tearing all of my hair out.

OP are you both on the same page about the life you want and whether you've got the same values? DH and I have managed to raise 3DC together working as a team - both working flexibly and part time when needed as well as both pulling our weight at home. I would guess our combined income is a fraction of yours but that our quality of life is far better.

It's hardly ever a good idea to become a SAHP when not married, so I think you're right to worry about giving up your job.

Personally I think splitting up, claiming the CM and getting in the help you need to work will be easier on your head than feeling resentment because the partner isn't pulling their weight.

As many others have said - do not give up your career. You aren't legally married so when his job ends, what then? You'll be up shit creek with no means to supports yourself and if you think a man who has a go over a £40 cushion and an h&m top is going to be fair with finances in a split then you're mental. You must have read the threads here where relationships have broken down and the SAHM is absolutely blindsided?

Throw money at it - get a nanny, a cleaner (maybe one who does laundry once a fortnight at least to take that load off a bit too), get Hello Fresh boxes as much as you can. If your husband balks at the expense, ask him how much of that he is willing to do because the days of you working full time and doing 100% of the school runs/activities/cooking/food shopping/meal planning/laundry/organising clothes for growing children/health appointments/etc etc while working full time are over. Be factual, be calm. Dont give him any reason to get defensive or say you're being "emotional" "nagging" (this kind of man's favourite defence). Just tell him that's that. The compromise is either that he changes job and does more parenting or he provides so you can outsource his half. I might also point out that you could always leave him and pay for those things out your child maintenance.

Don't become a sahm if you don't want to. Can you go part time? Hire a cleaner? Hire a housekeeper?

Just stop caring what his parents think for heavens sake. If you need a nanny get a nanny.
You keep saying he's selfish. He works 12 hour days to pay for your big house etc.if the house and holidays are not what you want then that's one thing. If they are, then I assume you need his wage at the minute to pay for them. That's a choice.
It's not necessarily him being selfish. You have said he takes the kids out at weekends to give you a break, (but you choose to spend that time cleaning) and that he does help out at weekends but he does it 'wrong'. So unless I'm missing something he does seem to be trying to pull his weight a bit but not in the way you want him to?

If you don't want the 'lifestyle' and he does, then that's a bigger discussion between the two of you. Is that the case do you feel? Would you be happier downsizing and simplifying a bit?
And if he wouldn't or can't compromise on on it then are you compatible?

I had a job similar to your DH and actually I left it to become a SAHM because I knew the alternative wouldn't be fair on my DH (my DH also works in finance and also has health issues that wipe him out).

I don't see why you can't outsource more if you are struggling? Your family sound rich enough to employ someone to batch cook your weekly meals and get someone to help with the school runs. There's no point having these sorts of time consuming high paid jobs if you can't use the money to improve your quality of life, otherwise youd be better off with a poor husband who is actually present. Your DH doesn't sound like much of a provider at all.

Given all you have said in your posts, what actually needs to happen to you for him to take notice?!

Your situation is completely unacceptable, I understand others suggesting nanny as that would help to alleviate your burn out, but it won’t solve the inherent problem that your partner is a selfish arse.

I wouldn’t put up with this and would be gone, his presence makes absolutely no difference so what’s the point of him even being around.

Oh and please don’t give up your job, that won’t help you in the long run and will leave you vulnerable. Plus it sounds like you have a great employer and enjoy your job, so why should you give it up?