Dating Thread 250 - Autumn

[librauk]

The Rules:

• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Well still no asking to see me again. Constant contact, can talk about anything and everything and I find him very attractive but he would have made some kinda of plan by now to see me again if he wanted to right? I was a mug for my ex and I cannot allow myself to be treated that way again. I shouldnt have to question if he even finds me attractive. Been talking over a month and I am talking all day every day when we get the chance to but only been out once. Sad cos I really enjoy talking to him but I want more than a new friend.

I wont go back on apps. I was only briefly on the one I met him and literally only chatted to him from there but the more I talk to him the less I leave the house I guess so meeting someine in real life wont happen either.

Maybe I am destined for singledom forever.

Thanks for the new thread!

@Singleandnotsureifreadytomingle it doesn't sound like he actually wants to see (meet) you again, if he was keen it would had happened. Block him. Maybe take a break from (rejoining) OLD, focus on yourself for a while?

I've recently joined the league app, anyone else using it? Wanted to try something different from bumble 😅

Yeah I mean I know things have been busy on both sides but had he wanted to see me he would have made it happen I guess. I wont block him as we actually have people in common etc and no reason to do that but I wont be giving him my 100% anymore either. His loss ;)

I am not on any apps as I opened that one and did say I would only open it for a week and I did delete it then. What is the one you are on like? The league one?

So I’m dating someone it’s been a few months but I’ve got insecurities around trust. Basically I’m not sure he’s just dating me. A few questions around behaviours I guess. Yes we’ve had the conversation. Maybe it’s gut feeling. But we get on well, there is a lot of positives. Am I self sabotaging?? Im carrying a lot of hurt from previous. I’ve done the work but I guess I don’t want be hurt again! Any advice??

@Singleandnotsureifreadytomingle have you asked him to meet again? Maybe he needs a nudge??

@Caramellie3 I did but did not realise he was in work that day. He did not make any attempt to make other arrangements and I knew then we were both busy for this past week but still nothing. We dont live more than 30 min drive from each other and to me if you want to see me you will find a way of doing it. I am as busy as he is and can manage an hour to see someone face to face.

@Caramellie3 I am a firm believer in gut instinct and wish I had listened to mine with the ex. We had the exclusive conversation yet he did not add me to social media for a YEAR while still having on there every other woman he has ever known, short relationships, hook ups etc. Something always felt wrong deep down but I conned myself into thinking the insecurities were my issue when he was the one that made me feel insecure with his actions. I am now the crazy ex in his story. Reality is I am anything but crazy but I did act out of character when faced with his bullshit.

@Singleandnotsureifreadytomingle I’d stop contacting him again. Whilst you socialise in the same circles, did you have contact beforehand? If not, I would block, or the very least delete contact details, delete chat etc.

Sooo, I have a question!

I have been dating on and off for nearly two years, I haven’t as of yet met anyone serious enough to introduce my kids to. However, my 9 year old asks me about my “friend” whenever I am going out, and up until recently accepted this. Now he asks “what’s their name?”, “have I (him) met them before?”

My kids do not know I’m dating at all, but say if things progress with Mr Local and it starts to feel significant for both of us, should I start mentioning it to my 9 year old, likely 10 by then, if he asks who I’m with?

Clearly this would be a precursor to a proper introduction at some point.

I’m terminally single, I loathe dating apps and I don’t date but 👋

@LittleFloatingGhost I did to be fair but I parent alone and dont lie anyway to mine. I only dated him anyway (the ex) and we did manage to get to the point we introduced the kids even to each other and holiday together etc before I realised what a nasty person he was almost two years down the line but this was not something I could have pre-empted at the time.

@LittleFloatingGhost I tell mine what I’m doing if it’s been a while ideally. Mine are slightly older than yours. Plus they ask a lot of questions. If they were dating I’d like them to give me the same honesty.

@Singleandnotsureifreadytomingle I think in your position I would pull back with the messaging and see if he chases you. If he does mention penpal territory and see if he wants more?

@Singleandnotsureifreadytomingle you can’t predict the future, I’m sorry it was a bad experience for you.

@Singleandnotsureifreadytomingle and @Caramellie3 I started to feel uneasy when my son was asking. Definitely felt on the spot and lied, which I hated. I don’t want to lie.

How did you start the conversation that you were dating? I haven’t navigated this yet!

Ahhh, I haven't come across these threads for a while and then suddenly this popped up in active...hopefully a sign I'm going to meet someone soon.

It's been 3 years since I split with my future faking emotionally abusive EXDP.

I've mentioned in passing to my DC (primary age) that I may meet a new man in the future so as to prepare them before it actually happens. At this rate, it never will lol

I’m very recently back at OLD after a (ill advised) almost year long relationship.

Forgot how tiresome it gets really quickly!

One guy seemed interested (as well as nice, and normal!), we messaged a lot for a couple of days, discussed meeting, now he’s pretty much disappeared.

I’m finding it really hard to find anyone I’m even a little bit interested in, and then when there’s no connection or they ignore you… urgh, so disappointing.

I may delete it again.

Update: pleasant date. But apparent not a huge amount of EQ. Has lived a very different life to me. Not massively funny but quite interesting. Talked over me quite often. No physical touching. Drove me home. Paid the bill when I was in the loo. Onwards!

@LittleFloatingGhost I haven't ever mentioned to it my children who are just slightly older. I don't think they'd understand dating and it might bring anxiety. I think until I'm well into a secure relationship and feel comfortable with where we were I wouldn't say a thing and keep it for myself.

@Caramellie3 been there got the t shirt. If you're identifying behaviours that make you feel uncomfortable then address them and write it down and ask three friends who know you well. Anyone who makes you feel insecure is well making you feel unsafe and probably shouldn't be in your life.

@Singleandnotsureifreadytomingle I definitely get you here. It's embarrassing how I've essentially hung on in situations where I should have told them to fuck off and walked away. It just shows what was lacking in me, in my life and how lonely I felt.

So from now on my mission is to Match their energy. If there's no feeling that they're interested and focused on me rather than multiple hook ups which get confusing and toxic - I'm out.

Update is he rang me last night and we are meeting later. Will let ye all know how it pans out.

My kids do not know I’m dating at all, but say if things progress with Mr Local and it starts to feel significant for both of us, should I start mentioning it to my 9 year old, likely 10 by then, if he asks who I’m with?

Isn't it a bit of a strange message for kids, hiding you're dating at all and only letting them know you are or have been, once it's serious?

Isn't it OK to date people and it not work out or go anywhere? Otherwise isn't it building an expectation for them in future that dating someone inevitably leads to a relationship (and that those dates that go nowhere are somehow shameful or failures)?

I'm not saying introducing dates or new partners early on is a good idea, but it seems strange to me to hide you're dating at all.

@category12 I agree with you totally. But I suppose it comes down to where you are mentally and if you're struggling with it. Or if your children are possibly feeling any insecurity at all...

@category12 I’d rather my kids not know about the various dates I have been on, as some have only been a one off. To be honest, when I first starting dating it was definitely more “intimacy without commitment” 😉

I have date 5 with Mr Local this week, and already talking about what we’re doing after that. I can’t see me not continuing to date him, unless something comes up which isn’t compatible with me (or he ends it). So, if Mr Local becomes a constant, I would like to mention bits to my eldest, if he asks.

My teen saw the dating app on my phone 🙄 hence conversations around this. Sometimes I would be asked if I was going on a date. The negative side I would say is that they don’t know the other person so may worry. I have been dating someone for around 4 months so they know of him. My intention would be if it carried on in a good direction they could meet him in time but I wouldn’t rush it.

@Caramellie3 I think that’s the space I’ll end up in with my 9 year old, he will know of Mr Local. He is also of the age where it’s yucky to kiss and when we spoke about sex, he just replied “think I’ll be single forever.” It was probably my very matter of fact approach which covered consent, respect - really caught me off guard 🤣🤣

I think with that in mind, I’d also let their dad know so he isn’t blindsided with any questions from them. My son is switched on and has said in the past “you’re out with your friends a lot”, it wasn’t, just more regularly compared to when I was at home with their dad.