Dating Thread 250 - Autumn

[librauk]

The Rules:

• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

I need initial spark, its either there or not for me. Myself and the guy I have been dating both have adhd and we have a lot of eye contact - actually personally can only realy have this type of eye contact with someone I am attracted to, my eyes flitter all over the place talking to other people which makes me look shady but if I cant hold eye contact with a man then it means I am not attracted to them and same for the adhd'r I am dating.

Im exactly the same. Adhd too. I am.also highly sensitive to touch. Two touched me and immediately i recoiled as i wasnt ready plus my senses were saying hes not for you. I see my adhd as a strength as i struggle communicating via text i send too many messages 😅

@QueenMegan I had a coffee date with a bloke months and months ago and honestly I had to dumb down my adhd gifts cos as soon as we met up I thought nope absolutely not going to happen but he was so nice I had to sit and have coffee. He bizarrely tried to wipe a stray eyelash off me and I nearly jumped out of my seat. Also very sensitive to touch, well all my senses are heightened but if I do not like you do NOT touch me. I also couldnt look this man directly in the eye. Its all or nothing for me.

Now I’m confused! I hope the lack of eye contact didn’t mean he wasn’t attracted to me! He seems keen, there was a lot of touch from his side which I can’t say I was ready for but I didn’t reject him either. He also kissed me which I was also a bit taken aback by… I couldn’t get into the rhythm because he kissed in a completely different way to my ex. None of these things are a slight on him, it just takes me a long time to get used to different people. He was quite tactile which I’m not used to.

I think I might be the problem with all of this though. My last ex was not a very tactile person. He also had a medical condition which meant he couldn’t have sex so we had a completely sexless relationship apart from the once a month he’d make an effort to jab his fingers around down there badly while not listening that it was too rough and painful. I’m really not used to a man wanting to touch me and I don’t know how to react. I want to date because I miss all of that physical stuff but then I don’t know what to do when it happens!!!

Tactile with adhd? I cant speak for all of us but eh... paws off please lol Well IN a relationship I can be tactile but this would be after having sex and connecting on that level. I do not like people mauling me - my friends force me into hugs. Covid was great for people like me!

My quick update is still messaging Mr used to be local daily.
Im in Crete until Weds and yes the weather is fabulous 30 degrees and clear blue skies. We’ve just had a quick catch up each day and if all still seems positive so hopefully can get to meet up at the weekend when I’m back abs see how he is in RL

@BloodyWolves Has the guy asked you out on a second date? I personally wouldn't go out on a second date with someone unless I could imagine being intimate with them (whether it is on that date or later down the line).

I think so? He mentioned wanting to see me again a few times and looked quite nervous while he was waiting for me to answer. I said something like I was wondering about going to the cinema for this date (the one we were on) but decided against it because we wouldn’t be able to get to know each other. He then said we could do that on date two if I wanted. He’s text this morning as well.

I feel like I could be intimate with him but I’m not feeling like I want to rip his clothes off. I suspect it could be a case where sex could possibly decide this one. If the sex is good he’d probably get a whole lot more attractive to me and if it’s bad I know it’s a non starter.

Thinking of getting back into dating so wat gong this thread with interest

@BloodyWolves Did you say yes to seeing him again on your date 1? Does he still seem keen to set up the second date?

I felt a bit awkward in the moment and said yes while feeling undecided. Although this morning I am thinking I’d like to see him again without the nerves!

He messaged a bit last night and he text this morning but nothing arranging a second date. My thoughts were give him a chance it’s not been 24 hours yet but maybe he’s having second thoughts about me!

@BloodyWolves yeah I'd give him a few days to organise a 2nd date. I don't like either when men put you on the spot if you'd like a 2nd date, I always say yes and then back out later by text if I'm not feeling it.

Had a lovely 2nd date last night with MrWriter. Very easy company, plenty to talk about and the time flew by.

We had a nice kiss and he texted me on the way home saying nice things about me and I didn't get the ick 😂

I'm trying not to overthink now, but there are some things he said that I want to know more about. He's separated but not divorced and has an amicable relationship with his ex (they socialise together) which is fine but I am concerned that bc he was in that relationship for two decades and has only been single for a couple of years he will only be looking for a good time girl, and that has been me so many times in the past (then get dumped for the woman who becomes their wife/LTR).

Luckily we have arranged date no.3 for tomorrow so not long to wait although that then will be a while as we both have stuff going on. I think that's going to force me to keep it slow and steady which is a good thing.

I’m 34, terminally single. Thought I would re join bumble and it’s the same old stuff again. I just don’t think I can be bothered to filter out all this rubbish on the off chance I find someone reasonable. But I also don’t want to think I’ll never date/be in a relationship again. Best I can hope for is meeting someone out maybe 🤷‍♀️😅

It is dreadful!
I am only on hinge but get shown one or two profiles a day
None are really interesting.
I have a wide age range and 16 mile radius which encompasses a large city, also look in the town I work in which is 40 miles away....
I am convinced that the only way to see profiles and get matches is to pay the subscription

@Dauntedbydating
Would not pay for Hinge, made no difference .

@SnugCoralFinch
I too rejoined Bumble , but cannot get motivated, with OLD at present, it's the same old faces.
I am in the older age bracket, new to the town I'm now living in, meeting anyone IRL, is practically zero .

I discovered that my crazy ex-H contacted my boyfriend online and threatened him (then unsent messages) 😱😭
It happened when I felt the change in energy coming from BF, from carefree and enthusiastic to less available and slightly tense - no wonder!!

BF admitted it happened when I started guessing and asked him directly but made light of it and brushed it off as something which influenced him but obviously obviously it did 😳😟

I’ve deleted my profile on Bumble. Other than the one man I’m still chatting to away from the app, there was absolutely no one who I felt drawn to.

Think it’s the single life for me. Dating apps aren’t my thing, I’ve tried but no.

I went on OLD just out of curiosity, just to help myself feel single again.

A guy liked my profile, all looking good in his, scrolled down to a picture where he is randomly topless, not like in a beach etc setting, like a passport style pic with a white background but topless 😂, he is not super fit or anything either, not that it changes a lot but at least it’s more understandable with guys showing off their athletic physique…I got the instant ick but am I too harsh? He looks good otherwise 😩😁

Okay, right, I'm back... And need thoughts, prayers and patience haha!

Things are going somewhere with Mr Workcrush & it's really lovely. The chemistry is off the charts! But we have quite different paces. It turns out that, gasp, in this day and age of instant gratification, he wants to get to know me properly before diving into anything. I'm just used to guys wanting to move really fast since being single and me having to slow them down.

It made me think 'he's not that into me' but now I've realised he's just more old-fashioned and not in a rush. Thinking back to my best relationships, this is how they started - 2 people pulled towards one another, spending time together, getting to know each and becoming a couple. I didn't realise they still could!

I've been pushy a couple of times and he's pulled back a little. But at the same acknowledged he's pulled back, apologised and made me feel secure and like he's keen.

I'm going to have to calm down a bit and let him lead on pace!

Has anyone experienced something like this? Ideally in the 21st century 😉

Having said that, I find that a combination of giving him space to get on with what he needs to do and wearing a tight pencil skirt tends to make him jump into action faster.

This is nice to read! It’s the getting to know each other phase, where communication is key, as are your reactions to things.

It’s hard not to think that it should be one way as you’re familiar with that. Enjoy!

@ElleintheWoods Sounds fab...
I have pushed the pace a couple of times in the past when I have been super keen and it has been counter productive. I think you are right to make sure you are both comfortable with where you are getting to, and how fast!

Hopefully no ED problems hidden away in his reluctance to progress!

@LittleFloatingGhost @Dauntedbydating thanks for your replies. It’s a strange place to be mentally, I feel really secure and a little bit anxious at the same time, a bit like a countdown to Christmas 😇

I don’t mean slowing down the pace in terms of getting to sex necessarily, that’s not really something I’m worried about, it happens when it happens 😊

We’re both mid 30s so our formative dating years would have been around 2010. When I think back to that time and dating people I was really into, it was always the case of spending time together doing more casual things every few days, talking properly, getting to know each other, and after a few weeks or even longer of that you’d progress to spontaneously kissing and everything else, then more formal dates etc. This is the kind of relationship formation I’m used to and how my serious relationships have always started, but honestly I thought that era was gone and guys just want instant spark and sex on 3rd date 🙈

Couple of observations of what’s different:

• no instant oversharing. I’m used to men putting their biggest deep dark secrets out there within a few days of meeting. We are sharing plenty but very much peeling the layers off slowly
• no ‘constantly being connected’. We might be together a few hours and then give each other space to do what we need to do without texting non-stop. definitely text non-stop sometimes but there is security that we’ll see each other again very soon so ‘let’s save it for then’. In-person time is real quality time
• physical affection is quite cute/ romantic and without agenda. First time we got properly close, he wrapped his coat around me by a fireplace, held me close and kissed my head

Basically it feels a lot like analog courting back when people weren’t online as much! Definitely no ‘send me a pic of what you’re wearing’ vibe in any shape or form!

@Dauntedbydating you’re absolutely right that being pushy is counterproductive. I’ve always been a bit pushy if the guy has been slow as I’m impatient, trying to arrange dates etc, but trying to read cues a bit better this time.

Apologies for the essay, as you can tell the excitement of being back in 2010 is a bit much for me at the moment! It’s weird, but good weird.