Dating Thread 250 - Autumn

[librauk]

The Rules:

• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

I don’t get enough matches to have more than one chat going 🤣

Could really do with some help around getting likes or matches as just gone back on and getting very, very little. Last year when I was on was pretty sparse too but think I am getting more right than wrong.

Am a 50yo guy. My pics are varied, and good quality. None holding a fish or knife, just holiday style pics with a beer, waiting to start a 10k, me and my cat, and a few stood in front of tourist attractions. I always do the prompts, fill out the majority of boxes and profile is like this:

Not sure MAFS is right for me, Blind Date no longer on… so here goes!!
Love to travel, watch bands in pubs, sports, cooking, shopping, camera geek too.
Like the outdoors (sup, run, football) and equally happy out at night or staying in.
Great family, job and house, just need someone to share with

so tried to make it a bit funny while listing what I like to do. Am no Brad Pitt, dad bod, but look ok, clean and presentable, chatty… but it’s just not getting many responses.

am I missing something here? I try to be selective on who I like, local, 44-52, if I see someone way out of my league I don’t bother.

Interesting in the ‘way out of my league’ what do you mean? There is so much interesting study material in the OLD phenomenon!
I am interested because my ex was constantly making references to (his) perception that people would think he was ‘punching’ being seen with me -which made no sense as he was gorgeous, but he was pathologically insecure. And have recently had a RL man avoid me after one (really good date after he had apparently (from other friends) always been keen on me - because (in the words of our mutual friend) because he was a builder living in on a boat and I am thought to be wealthy because of my job/house etc and he made references on the date to the fact that he had 1GCSE and I have postgrad.
Very frustrating if it really was the league/punching thing as we had so much in common in terms of interests/humour etc and I really liked him! Would actually prefer it just to be he simply doesn’t fancy me. If only I could have that conversation with him…We see each other quite often at mutual friends events do maybe one day I can just ask him for the brutal truth -wouldn’t bother me now as was only one date and could be useful for future relationships.

@Dadjoke007 I would say its attractive when someone is happy in themselves so I wouldn't worry about the league thing. Just be confident and swipe on anyone you feel looks decent to you rather than think they are out of your league.

Can relate to this

@Dadjoke007

I get the out of you league thing I never swipe for very attractive men because I’m a realist who knows they’re the ones who get the most attention and they’re not going to look twice at me

@TwistedWonder tbh two of my exes are gorgeous, 6 pack, gym obsessed men whereas I'm closer to a size 16/18 bod with a mum belly. I think you never quite know what people find attractive.

I think that this is so true.

I'm 60, my last relationship was with a 45 year old, attractive, really successful, great career, super bright, socially adept, sexually compatible etc...she wanted to marry.

Sadly it wasn't to be ...I broke up with her as a result of lots of red flags around some of her behaviours, I actually posted some on here under a different name and nearly 500 people told me to get out of the relationship.

@Day99 - I would say expand your age range to +5 at least since you are willing to date six years younger but only two years older.
Your description sound quite generic - are you passionate about something specific? What about kids/family - that is one defining factor for a lot of women.

@dadjoke007 above comment is meant for you I believe.. my age range already covers 20+ years 😂

My two cents.. do you have more than 1 pic with a beer in hand? If yes, I'd get rid of them. Also, are your photos also recent (from this year)? As others said, don't discount yourself, good luck!

Is anyone going on a date tonight?

If so good luck and please report back 🙂

No, my future ex is away on a lads holiday so no seeing him this weekend 😂
I have to say he has checked in with me regularly since leaving, at the airport and when landed and before bed etc. Hes seriously made one hell of an impression on me. I am really looking forward to seeing him when he gets back - see if theres more of the nice kisses from Sunday 😉

I had fifth date with Mr Local last night, dating for a month now. We message each day and I feel really happy. He has told me that he has feelings for me, and last night both said we’re not getting to know other people. I can feel myself really falling for him and need to keep reminding myself that’s it’s only been a month!

Long distance boyfriend of just over 3 months who was supposed to move locally can’t actually move for an indefinite period and we had to cancel and reschedule meet ups many times due to his work which has become incredibly stressful. He also got more distant/overwhelmed and never has time for phone calls any more (though chats regularly online but it’s become kind of superficial, though with each of real life meetings things were better and better)
Anyway he asked for a break/to put things on hold - I said like Ross and Rachel or something, he said no. But obviously he can’t ask me to sit and wait for him.
It was a really lovely relationship, my first since divorce, no red flags at all apart from maybe doubts about our compatibility long term but didn’t get to find out… it’s over, isn’t it? His work (in healthcare and shifts) is truly overwhelming, but if he was really focused on keeping me he would have tried a different solution to asking for a break? He said otherwise I would end things out of resentment for his unavailability (and it was heading that way) and the idea of it is worse for him.
I can’t believe I might have to go back on the apps so soon 😭

3 months and he wants a break? I would be cutting him off with immediate effect feck that.

@radiantrainbow are you sure he's definitely single? I'd probably also bin him, as hard as it may seem... I'd want an early stages of relationship to be easy and uncomplicated, wanting to meet in person etc if it's difficult from the start, I don't think they ever get easier. Good luck whatever you decide!

@RadiantRainbow I'm sorry I think I remember you speaking about him in an earlier thread. I'd be thinking the same as @Day99 - is he definitely single. The whole can't now move locally for an indefinite period seems suss. Was he definitely intending ever to move I would be thinking.

Whatever is going on, it's not good. And the doubts you had about long term compatibility shouldn't be ignored/ maybe were a red flag. That's probably your gut instinct and it was probably correct regardless of whatever is going on right now. Don't go back on the apps, take some time and be kind to yourself 💐

@LittleFloatingGhost that's such a happy, positive update, so glad for you!

@Mckittens @Day99

All of my friends joked that he is secretly married 😃 but yes, 1000% single, talked to me on video with his teenage son there, has his location shared with me where I can see where he is any time…most of his work is at healthcare facilities and often with accommodation on site, he travels for work (between the same facilities different parts of the country) and I could see him staying there. Numerous short video calls any time of day or evening. Spent ALL his days off since we became bf and gf with me.

And definitely moving to my town at some point. He was planning to move locally regardless of me/before he met me, that’s how we met on the apps, he put his future/planned location as his actual location, I knew I couldn’t do long distance apart from a short while!

But then liked my town better than the one he chose first, also nearby…so he will be around eventually, it’s a small place and we would be bound to come across each other… He now can’t put a date on it.

He also started his own business this year exactly because wanted to have a relationship and to have more control over his personal life but it’s not been going as planned and that’s been the main reason for the delays, cancellations and asking to put things “on hold” (as he put it)

Also I have his SM with some of his relationships history on it and you can see he has been single for a while. Also job wise he can be found online and verified, I have seen his DBS - I didn’t ask for it, we were joking about people’s identities and he showed me.

I was more comfortable and at ease and myself with him than anyone else before in my life. My only doubts in terms of compatibility were I am more intellectual/a nerd than him and I lead a more active lifestyle, he wants more rest in his time off, but the latter was completely understandable with him being actively on his feet for his job a lot of the time 😔

@RadiantRainbow ok so it does totally sound like he is single.

What does he mean by taking a break/putting things on hold ? And what is the Rachel/Ross reference that he said no to?

I watched friends the first time round so my memory of this is hazy😆

I guess if you take it all at face value he could be completely overwhelmed with work and is not able to think about anyone else.

How have you left it with him?

@Mckittens seriously the ross and rachel thing? THE Ross and Rachel thing?

They were 'on a break', he shagged someone else, she found out and had a hissy as one would and she wrote him an 11 page letter - front and back - pretty much so he would admit he was wrong.

He did not.

It feels like I have no choice to be honest.
Well with Ross and Rachel I don’t remember myself apart from the fact that I think it was HER who asked for a break and then Ross had a one night stand with someone else 🥴
That’s definitely not the issue😄, he has no time to date in principle by the look of it…but also at times I started feeling that he is more worn down by this relationship rather than excited (his actions when we meet are all very caring, but online it’s like he lost his mojo).

Basically his reasons might be legitimate but the result is I feel more and more disconnected, abandoned and anxious, so partly I feel like he’s done me a favour by asking for this, because I wouldn’t have broken it off myself 😟, it’s my lesson for the future, not to wait for things to properly sour, because right about now is the moment where I can still see this relationship as a wonderful memory.

I decided to try and chill and leave it to fate, to see what happens. If it doesn’t feel too bad I will kind of go along with it with a potential to re-connect when he is less overwhelmed, but if I meet someone in the meantime it was meant to be, I would just tell him I started seeing someone else 🤷‍♀️ he realises he runs the risk it might happen 🤔

As for OLD, I am obviously not ready to jump on the apps just yet. If the boyfriend was the real deal with true potential, things will work out and quickly, I am not into forcing things. Oh we have known each other 5 months and switched to talking only to each other straight away and deleted the apps about 3 weeks in, and have been together/official I guess 4 months but I sort of don’t count September because only saw him very first days of it and then no more visits and the communication became more sporadic and shallow.

Thought I’d pop on here and ask if anyone has any advice. I posted on the last dating thread about how unsuccessful I was finding it all. Chats that go nowhere, setting up a date just to never have plans confirmed and then weak excuses on the day, that sort of stuff!

I finally went on a date and I don’t know what I was supposed to feel. I didn’t have that outrageous spark or chemistry but I found him pleasant. He seemed like a decent guy. I don’t know whether that should mean i’m not into it, goodbye or whether I should give him a second date and see how that goes.

Basically I know that sometimes attraction can be a slow burn and I can also be quite closed off to new people. I remember my first date with my last ex and my first thoughts on him were ‘I’m not sure, don’t find him majorly attractive’ and then I slept with him on the first date which kind of forced a connection. If it wasn’t for that I’m not sure whether I would have been bothered if I saw him again. I didn’t sleep with last nights date so I’m left with is this a complete no or is this a me problem!

What I found difficult was he has ADHD and for the first hour he was very nervous. He couldn’t look at my face. I was having a conversation with him and he would be focusing over my shoulder. I found his mannerisms quite awkward as well. He seemed a really nice, accepting, genuine guy though and I don’t know if that means I should give it another shot.

I think it’s worth having another date, but I am someone who is never attracted to the man until I have met him a few times in sports or social settings and have often had a negative first impression -eg the two big loves of my life and also the man I was married to for many years (he was not one of those two 😁).
Last night was at a gig with friends and one of them is a guy who has recently showing a lot of interest in me and initially I was dismissive (not least because I know his ex-girlfriend/she is happy with another man but feels kind of weird) but am now starting to find him attractive as we have talked more. I’ll call him Mr NiceHair😂
Possibly outing if anyone on here knows us. but it is his birthday party this evening (yes on a school night /which gives me a get out of jail free card for not staying late) and will be continuing the chat and flirtation.
I told him last night that I him attractive but am an avoidant attachment kind of person who gets scared off by things moving too fast. And it was a natural kind of conversation like you’d have with a friend so…may be. But slow burn!