Do they ever come back? Devastated. Following on. Endless winter.

[Pleasenotme]

Do they ever come back? Devastated.
1000 replies

Pleasenotme · 17/09/2024 16:25
Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.
I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.
I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

Ringing him has done you a huge favour. Allow yourself to take a moment and then believe that you can only get stronger now as you can't allow yourself to feel this low again. Just climb. You have no other choice.

Don't allow the self pity of being bad in a previous life. There's no previous life and you've not been bad. You don't deserve this. This is all him.

As awful as this sounds, I'm glad you're feeling so rotten right now. The more of an asshole he is to you the faster your fantasies of reconciling will disappear. When things are peaceful, you start thinking "Maybe..." but there is no maybe. He is not coming back. You'll soon not want him back either.

Just sending you a big hug OP. My heart goes out to you.

His anger and reaction to what you said show that you pressed his buttons and hit his Achilles heel in this situation, which is the guilt he feels about what he has done.

Don't for one minute think that he came away from that call and forgot all about it, it will have affected him as much as it has you.
He knows he is being a complete shit, he wouldn't have reacted in that way otherwise.

Don't feel beat yourself up about it, it happened and in some ways it will have been cathartic.

There will be bumps in the road and it isn't easy but gradually it will get better & these visceral feelings that you have now will become less acute.

We are all here for you & many of us know exactly how you feel x

It’s fine, OP, you had a perfect right to completely blow your top at him. He was horrible to you, because deep down he knows that he’s treated you and your children terribly and if he admits that to himself, he’ll have to face the fact that he’s a nasty person. Going out with the OW rather than supporting your DS with a major work change, for example, is nothing to do with you, it’s being a crappy father-and deep down he knows this.

Its far easier to blame you for his failings than face who he is.

Next time that you communicate, be sure to ask him what the OW’s husband thinks of the situation. Someone (not you) is bound to tell him before Christmas, aren’t they?

I don't blame you for ringing & screaming at him. He's a complete shit. I hope this will help you to realise ASAP that reconciliation is just futile and you find your anger quicker.

Everything you do now regarding your ex, you need to think 'would your future self thank you?' acknowledge that you are having a shit time now, but in a few years hopefully you will be living your best life.

It really is time to get a lawyer and be selfish for your outcome.

Good luck x

No wonder you went berserk at him, he’s awful. Don’t beat yourself up about it. I’d have his knackers off.

I know many of you will be disgusted in me and my weakness

Absolutely not!

We're all here to support you, not to tear you down in disgust.

I'm sure there's nobody on here who thinks any the worse of you.

You're very distressed, and that's understandable.

And your STBXH has shown his true colours now.
How horrible of him to tell you all those things.

I'm so angry with him on your behalf. That's classic gaslighting. And yes, he's following The Script.

I’d bet my house on you not being ‘disgusting’. That’s some big time displacement on his part. He’s angry that you being upset makes him feel bad.

What a stinking, stinking poo bag he is.

There is no judgement here OP. Sending you all the best, you will find your strength, and yourself again when you are ready xx

This thread is a lifeline to me, literally at times, so please go easy on the criticism as I'm really not in a good place

I doubt if anyone on this thread is trying to criticise you or your actions. I hope not, anyway.

Do start another thread, as this one is nearly full.

@Pleasenotme I confess a little tear rolled down my face reading your update .

The sadness is paramount and your heart is broken . The fact that you know where they have been what he has brought for OW rips you like a lion tearing into its prey . It’s like being punched it hurts so so much .

A friend once told me she saw my XH and OW at the airport looking a million dollars her words and I felt bereft . There was me holding the fort , looking after the children all the doctors , dentist and parents evening all on my own whilst he swans off on loved up holidays . It was really tough .

I had to learn to not text or message him at all. . And I so wanted to . I got stronger . I had to learn to be a single parent. But I told him I don’t know how you can bear to be apart from the children they are my world . He barely saw them and it took 6 years to finalise the divorce as I fought him all the way . I was no pushover . I am so very proud of my children we are close knit they saw how broken I was and have been my rock . They still are and I am most grateful they are amazing children and I am so thankful they are part of my life every single day ❤️

@Pleasenotme I just want to give you a big hug 💐

@Pleasenotme you hit a nerve that's why he was so vicious the nasty cnut of a man. He's so unbelievably selfish.

@wakeupsmelltheroses some friend. I'd have said she looked shit.

I want to swing for him.

This is unfortunately all too familiar a story .. of course he is not at fault in any way , it’s all down to you, you have failed to love him adequately, failed to be hot enough in bed, cook his favourite dinners, massage his ego blah blah.
Actually this is the sound of a guilty man shifting the blame as he’s been well and truly rumbled OP and not only that but doing it in a horrible , insensitive and quite frankly, nasty, way. He sounds a bit unhappy to me .. maybe things aren’t working out as easily as he had hoped and you are showing a bit too much spirit for him?
you are not defined by your relationship with this man anymore, in-fact you can be so much more than that. Not a ghost but a goddess - rise up and cast him into the past! Things are absolutely diabolical now but trust me they can and will only get better and can be really good again in time!

No-one is judging you. All of us feel so helpless in the face of your continuing agony and desperately wish we could find the words to give you some relief. He is a vile excuse for a human being.

I’m so sorry. Life can be so cruel sometimes. I think you sound like a wonderfully decent woman who cannot understand such bad behaviour because you would never behave like that

Well. I have read through this whole thing and I hope that her husband kicks her out and they both get a horrible itchy STD.

@Pleasenotme So there you have it. I've blown my dignity, any semblance of composure I had managed to cobble together over the past few weeks, and made a complete fool of myself.

You know what, OP…. So what?

You are human. You’re human with emotions. Your life has been completely flipped upside down. The man you’ve loved for so many years has shown you a totally different side. Not many people will stay dignified in the days, weeks and maybe even months afterwards.

Give yourself a break. The only way is up from here. Do whatever you need to do to keep yourself occupied and busy. Cry when you want and need to. Reach out when you want and need to.

Use this as the last time for you to contact him about anything that isn’t related to legal issues and the divorce. Accept it’s over. Accept he doesn’t give a shit and it’s time to move on from this.

Healing isn’t a linear experience. There’ll be days where you feel better, and days where you’ll feel even worse. But I promise, it won’t be forever and there will be a time in the future when you will be okay.

We all have our limits. He’s the disgusting one not you. This might be your get angry turning point. How dare he do it to you and your children. He can’t rewrite history. He has chosen to have an affair.
He’s currently staying with his sister, carrying on with a married woman behind her husband’s back, made no move to actually start divorce proceedings and was trying to bully you into selling your home your children still live in. He’s lashing out as deep down he knows what a complete twat he’s been.
Can you remove his number so you can’t call him easily. Please under no circumstances see him.

Nearly a thousand posts, it's simply incredible. I am completely humbled by the astonishing kindness I have been offered by hundreds of strangers. I don't have adequate words to express my gratitude to you but please know it has meant everything to me over these last horrible weeks. I've made a new thread, I wish I didn't have to, but thank you
"Do they ever come back? Devastated. Following on. The endless winter continues. | Mumsnet

Oh @Pleasenotme I've read your latest post and am raging on your behalf.
Literally disturbed the dog just now by my sharp intake of breath.

He's {Your husband} completely been taken over by this evil woman - ''C&nt struck'' just as my husband was.

All I hope is that their relationship founders because of the kids, just as my husband's relationship did. {OW's kids!}

They must be very weak men to be taken over so.

I'm so sorry- but you WILL overcome this.

He's horrendous.

I saw my ex husband on a you tube video recently, and felt nothing at all.

In fact, I laughed .

You will , too. One day. 💓