Do they ever come back? Devastated. Following on. Endless winter.

[Pleasenotme]

Do they ever come back? Devastated.
1000 replies

Pleasenotme · 17/09/2024 16:25
Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.
I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.
I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

I am sorry to hear you were so ill. You're doing a grand job, being back at work so soon. You may not feel you're on top form, but you're making changes and adaptations to get your work done. You're a resourceful woman.

Well done on holding back on selling the house before you need to. I was worried that you would cave in, but you held out and it worked.

I honestly do not think anyone at your table will enjoy their Christmas dinner if your husband is there. Do not invite him. You should make your first Christmas of your new life notable (for the right reasons) and empowering, with new ways to celebrate. Maybe even a new tradition, like a new food, a secret santa, a special new cocktail, anything really that shows you are unafraid of your new (and more loyal) version of family. Something lovely that you've never done before.

Nice to ‘see’ you OP. I’m sorry you have been so ill but as someone else said, the lungs are associated in TCM with grief and so it’s not a surprise really. Do look after yourself, as best you can- soup, smoothies, a supplement maybe if eating well is a challenge. Plenty of fluids.

Echoing the others- don’t invite H to Christmas lunch. You’d be better alone than have him at your table- but maybe the dc could meet him before or after lunch for drinks or something. I like the suggestion of starting a new tradition just for you- maybe a different meal? Go out somewhere to eat? No big meal at all but a day of grazing delicious food?

Spot on post.

OP he needs to see and feel what he has done. The OW will be presumably with still her H and children. He won't feel it if you open your home to him on Christmas day.
Please please OP 🙏 as others say whatever you do DO NOT INVITE HIM.

It's not going to be good for you. Don't do it.

I think it would be a massive setback to invite him for Christmas lunch. Massive. It will just lure you in to fantasizing about a reconciliation.

I agree with PPs. You would feel better inviting him for Christmas only very temporarily before feeling much, much worse long term. Refuse him for the good of your future self!

Hello OP, sorry to hear you’ve been laid so low by such a horrid illness. Take your recovery slowly.

I agree with the PP who said try to start something new this Christmas. Just simple things but working on new traditions is no bad thing. It’s silly but I always order a curry on Xmas eve as that’s what we did the year my mum left. We slowly made our own traditions. It took us a few years but we got there.

There are a lot of us on a lovely thread where we are reading along to Nigel Slater’s Christmas Chronicles. It’s a lovely friendly thread and we just chat about our days. It has really helped me after a very low few days.

sending love.

Ah OP, I've been following this since day one but this is the first time I've posted. I'm so sorry you've been so ill, wishing you a speedy return to full health.

I do think the pushing for a quick sale is because the two of them will have hatched a plan that he will get a home set up for her and the kids, as she has no intention of leaving without them. He must be panicking that every day he can't give her what she needs to leave the husband, is an extra day that she may change her mind. And proof that her kids mean more to her than him. The thought that she may not leave must be terrifying for him. Here he is, having given up all his worldly comforts, whilst she is still very much in her marriage.

And that is precisely why, contrary to so many PP, I wouldn't say a word to her husband. If that led to her husband breaking up with her, you'd be doing your H a favour and giving him exactly what he wants.

I also agree with PP that stepping back from pressuring you to sell, like the flowers, is very possibly an attempt to keep you sweet, now that you've threatened to speak out.

Well done on getting back to work. Keep on putting one foot in front of the other. It's a long journey for you but you will get there. And as long as you need, you will have an army of well-wishers here for you (notwithstanding the occasional arsehole).

Sorry you've been ill @Pleasenotme and do feel better soon. I'm echoing everything everyone has said please don't let him worm his way in for Christmas. He needs to feel the consequences of his decision. He'll make you feel much worse. Be Scroogetta and the Grinch all rolled into one. I think you still love what you thought he was all those years ago not the person he is now.

My now ex MIL invited me for Christmas last year. Even though my dc wanted me to go I didn't. Spending any of the day with him would not have been good for me. Think very very carefully @Pleasenotme . Btw the DC went to see their Nanny, not him.

Fuck him! I know where the turkey needs to go! If you don't pay the membership then you don't get to enter the club. It's really that easy!

This. Maybe having a miserable Xmas day on his own while the OW is playing happy families with her husband and kids might make him reflect on what he’s thrown away.

Just thinking that keeping as busy as you can might help. I remember Vanessa Feltz said she didn’t have a night in for a year after her partner cheated. That’s a bit extreme, but filling your life with business and plans will keep you from brooding. It’s very hard when you’re poleaxed and can barely get out of bed but you’ll start to feel better gradually and having plans will help keep your mind off the situation. Gradually life will regain its colour.

Busyness not business!

Well I'm a mess this morning as I made the mistake of opening a bank statement that somehow slipped through his mail redirection - before anyone shouts at me, I know, I know. His bank statements are his personal property and I have done a terrible thing and I would hate it if anyone did that to me. So my punishment for this transgression is that I have seen just how much he is wining and dining her, and it's a lot. I know she has always had a variety of commitments in the evening so I can only assume she is using those as a cover to get out of the house and leave her DH with the DC. So now I feel wretched and want to vomit. And I'm shaking uncontrollably. And I feel so completely discarded and washed up.

I started to send her H a private message via X but my courage failed me. Then I wrote a long one to her, but then deleted it. I'm right back to that day that he told me he was leaving me. Dear God this is painful. The temptation to go and bang on her front door is overwhelming at the moment but I'm not going to do that as I have no doubt she would call the police as she's the vindictive type. So I'm putting it all down here as I don't know what else to do. 😞

I would be looking to see if he is paying solicitors or anyone / anything else relevant to / for a divorce.

and at least you can reassure yourself he does not need to come for Christmas dinner as he has more than enough to take himself off somewhere for a couple of days.

obiv he can never have that statement now, as it's been opened. so it is ' lost in the post '

I would tell her DH. I would get my friend to do it for me if I was struggling like you are @Pleasenotme

and please don’t invite this POS to your Christmas table. It will just hurt you even more. You’ve been hurt enough now. Time to take some action to protect yourself. He’s not your friend any more.

@Pleasenotme oh I am sorry you’ve had this on top of everything else. It what to do? NOTHING. Shred the statement or burn it. Then do what will make you feel better that doesn’t involve them. This is not the time for lashing out even when you feel murderous. Weep, punch cushions, stamp on cardboard boxes - anything to express your feelings but keep your powder dry. Call a friend, your brother or even the Samaritans. Cuddle the cat - but keep from doing anything more just yet. The right time for dealing with them will come…

What a complete piece of shit he is. Firstly I would tell me husband and secondly keep the statement as proof when you are negotiating a settlement. It really is time you got angry and started to fight back. Tell him firmly he is not to come round to the house . If he needs anything you’ll leave it somewhere or bring it to a car park and dump it there in his sight.
Certainly, he’s not to come for Xmas. You need to stop seeing him as some sort of knight in shining armour who got away. He’s not. He’s a selfish, unpleasant man who has broken your heart.

Well said, @LadyLydia

He's a POS.

It sounds like your anger is on the way. Just remember this day. While you are sitting at home pining and hoping he'll wise up and regret everything, he's actually out there getting on with his life, continuing the relationship he left you for.

Blaming her and meddling in her marriage is not the solution.

If it weren't her it would be someone else. It's your ex who is not remotely the person you thought he was.

Sorry you have had this setback. Can you access counseling? Or call Samaritans?

Not one iota of judgement from me for opening his bank statement!
But honesty @Pleasenotme TELL HER HUSBAND. Take back some control here. Who the fuck do they think they both are? Rancid pair of arseholes deserve each other but if that rancid man is determined to try and take you down? You go down swinging! Then you hit the deck, you get back up, crawl on your hands and knees if you have to, but you get back up and you remember exactly who you are. A kind, decent, honest loyal woman who just happened to have the misfortune to marry a lying toad. You can absolutely do this op, I have total faith in you xxx

The OP is still in love with him.
That's why she's blaming the OW and giving him something of a free pass.

Also, meddling in her marriage? Hang on. She's meddling in the OP's marriage. She's caused it to end. Yes, he's every bit as guilty, but why should the OW get away with having an intact marriage, expensive dinners and loads of extra marital sex?

@Pleasenotme she knows that you know.
Your ex knows that you know.

It's time to tell the OW's husband. He's oblivious to his wife's and your ex's perfidy.

Apart from anything else, he needs to visit a sexual health clinic, and so do you, actually.

@BettyBardMacDonald could not disagree more. OW was more than happy to “meddle” in ops marriage. There are consequences to behaving like a shit bag and it is frankly about time that this woman felt some.

What is that going to accomplish other than fuck things up for innocent kids, and make OP's husband more desperate for money as girlfriend will need support?

Play the long game and maintain dignity. Don't lash out. It only makes one look like a fool.