Do they ever come back? Devastated. Following on. Endless winter.

[Pleasenotme]

Do they ever come back? Devastated.
1000 replies

Pleasenotme · 17/09/2024 16:25
Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.
I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.
I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

@Pleasenotme

OK, you snooped and didn't like what you found. That's pretty normal so don't beat yourself up for it. Instead, use it. Use it to fuel some anger, but if you can't be angry use it to fuel determination. Determination that he will NOT be coming to Xmas. Determination that you will NOT listen to his lies and gaslighting.

Put the letter in a drawer and shut it, perhaps to show a solicitor at some point if it might be helpful. But if you can't put it aside without going back to it, then burn it.

Just a note of caution on previous advice re his bank statement: solicitors won’t use information that you legally shouldn’t have. Telling a solicitor you happen to know he’s spent a lot on taking her out is one thing; telling them you’ve opened his mail is quite another. No judgment, I’m sure I’d have done the same.

I’m sorry it all hurts so much. I’m especially sorry you can’t keep your family home, though I have no doubt that in time you’ll make another beautiful home for yourself.

They’re still married though- aren’t married couples jointly liable for their finances, so OP would have a right to know his financial situation?

"ark place to go. I thought I wanted to know but it branded itself onto my brain and led to more questions, a huge desire to do more snooping. It’s a spiral down to a special kind of hell reserved for betrayed women. Do NOT do this, it does no good. It changes nothing. "

I'm not so sure about this. I've been there trying to reconcile places and events - yes it is hard but it is the reality of what happened and perhaps this is what OP needs to read and know. I know you stayed with your husband but you made that decision knowing all the facts. The OP doesn't and likely never will.

If the husband and OW frequently use local restaurants, seen on the statement, OP could be with a friend walking around town dropping in for a drink or going for a meal …

You might have felt touched when he sent you the flowers... How does that compare to the amounts he's been spending on wining and dining her?

Really, I hope this helps you find your anger, because you're turning it in on yourself and making yourself ill.

She knows you know - and it's still not stopping her, is it? I agree with some others - she's getting 'one more Christmas as a family' under her belt - having her Christmas cake and eating it.

And his Christmas with you would not be a sweet occasion, reminding him of what he'd be missing - it would be full of tension and recrimination and alcohol-fuelled outbursts... he'd be glad to never have another like that, it would be his last memory of a family holiday. If you stop now, he'll have all the good Christmasses to remember instead of a last crappy one, and is far more likely to regret missing those.

Copy the bank statement - even if you can't 'use' it, keep it as grist to your mill. And if you're feeling weak, take a look at it and compare the cost of a bunch of flowers to nights on the town with The Mistress... he was holding you cheap.

I agree with PP that it’s a dark road to go down when you find out all about the meals out, hotels , weekends away - been there and it hurts. However it does help you to realise the full extent of his betrayal and the fact that he has now transferred his loyalty and money elsewhere . It’s a further sign you need to think big yourself now OP and don’t let him into your life anymore hard as that is

It’s an extraordinary idea to me that one partner wouldn’t know what the other earns or see their bank statements. I guess every marriage is different:

@Washingupdone This👍

A bit under his windscreen in an envelope with his name on BOXING DAY……
see how she likes it having her life upside down .Get well soon OP.
Inwould have Xmas day different this year,you+ your eldest .

...eldest DD has suggested we invite him for lunch. I am fine about that, indeed would love him to be here,

Stop now. Honestly, you need to move forward and see that staying in this hole won't be helping you at all.

I say this as someone who has been where you are now. Please try to adjust and move out of this frozen state.

I had young dc and was still breastfeeding when my world exploded, no job either. I very kindly suggest you accept the state of play and move on.

@forevernumb after infidelity reality is needed, absolutely, but the details of it can add pain and nothing else, details can move you backwards and not forwards.
I didn’t know all the facts initially, nobody ever does, a man suddenly caught cheating’s first instinct is to deny. I didn’t get that, but minimising was certainly his immediate port of call. I’m not naive enough to think I know all the facts now. Nobody ever does except the people who had the affair, nor ever will.
I know that Pleasenotme can’t ask in the way that I could, however even so I would still advise against detail hunting unless she really wants to.
The point is that knowing some facts is helpful, others are just details and don’t add to anything except the pain of the betrayal. You can think that if you know one thing about the eating out it will be enough. That one thing can lead to a dozen more questions.
Did they go to restaurants becomes which ones, becomes what did they have, becomes any number of questions that are details and nothing more. If this makes anybody feel better, all well and good, but it rarely does and once you know, you can’t not know.
If @Pleasenotme needs to know in forensic detail what has happened then that is absolutely up to her and equally understandable. However I based my advice on reading what she wrote about her reaction to reading the statement. She feels back to square one emotionally. She had already correctly assumed they went out to restaurants, and re-traumatising yourself repeatedly for the sake of knowing whether they went to The Dog and Duck or The Crown and Anchor just adds a list of painful place names to the fact that ‘they went to pubs’ but doesn’t make you feel better. I know what I was like and it did more harm than good. If I found out the name of a place did I leave it at that? No. I’m ashamed to admit that then I would google it, I street-viewed it, I pored over the menu and the website and trip advisor photos and it was a very painful and very unhealthy thing to do. My mind movies of the two of them together might have had a more realistic set, but it didn’t lessen the pain of them.
As always @Pleasenotme you know whether you need the details or not. It is entirely up to you. If you think not, or aren’t sure yet, please don’t go looking until you are.

@Thewookiemustgo the details are hurtful but it is for each person to decide what they wish to know and yes you never know it all.

I don’t think the husband knows and I wouldn’t tell him op because then you will be blamed . Let her tell him or he just finds out another way . That way your husband will see her true colours to him and not just blame you . He does not deserve any dinner nevermind Xmas dinner around your family table . You still have a family . You didnt walk out on your family . You still have one . Be the head of it now and stand strong . Protect your family from exposure of more crap , confusion, disrespect and heartlessness he brings . He doesn’t deserve them and you . Find your strength , find your anger

So sorry you’ve so unwell OP but please prioritise yourself to get well again.

You must have been utterly floored by seeing those entries on the bank statement, its almost like a physical pain. I can recall a similar experience.

It has set you back of course, as will having him back for Christmas dinner. So please don’t do that. It’s tempting sure, you want to go back to a time before all this, even for a moment. Also he might open his eyes and see what he is missing right? I know you will be desperate for this, but the very sad reality is its too late, what you had is gone.

Of course you love him still, you want him, love doesnt disappear straight away, its a slow fade. If you waiver think of your DDs and what example you are showing them if you had him back for dinner. I dont mean to sound harsh but it will be so damaging to you to have him over at Christmas so please protect yourself.

Why don’t you do something completely different? You could go out for Christmas lunch or perhaps go and do some volunteer work over the holidays with your DCs. Make Christmas completely different.

As to the OW and her H, better to leave them to it, poor guy will find out soon enough.

Do it Christmas eve.

The husband should know.
Poor man being deceived by a slapper and her old loser of a lover.

Invite him for Christmas lunch.
And make sure you are all out.

LOL

I’ve seen all this with a close friend of mine. Sadly for me as well as her her husband had an affair and has got together with a family member of mine. You can imagine the complication and upset.

I just want to say that despite the massive trauma suffered my friend has successfully rebuilt her life. She moved into the nicest (albeit small) cottage with lovely, supportive neighbours. She has grieved for the loss of her husband who she says just disappeared, the person who replaced him looked the same but bore no relation to the man she married in terms of character. He’s nothing to her now.

I’ve seen her through the entire thing, from vomiting with sheer upset, to being glad she no longer has to see him anymore.

You will get there. Please do try to get some help to process all of this emotionally. The person you love may be alive but he’s lost to you, it’s a bereavement. And it’s not just the loss of a relationship either, it’s the loss of that family unit, the shared memories, the home. If my husband died tomorrow my memories would be intact and not tainted, the house would be paid off and mine, it would be horrendous but my memory of him would be fond, the relationship would’ve been good and him going would be neither of our choices. It would be raw grief and pain, but uncomplicated by hate and disappointment. Whereas marriage breakdown through infidelity is another thing entirely. It’s a lot to process. I really feel for you but there’s hope, stick in there. There are many other women who’ve been there. I know my friend would go to the ends of the Earth to help someone who’s currently going through what she did. Try and find them.

As for the OW, I don’t know how you haven’t gone and lamped her, or your husband for that matter. It’s good you haven’t though!

In each post I have only ever suggested that Pleasenotme should decide for herself, it is always up to OP’s to make their own minds up. The things I warned against were the things that did not serve me, but as I always said, it is for Pleasenot me to decide, her situation is different.

Jesus. This OP. Tell your DD it is not appropriate at all. Let her visit him with her siblings if wants to but absolutely no shared family lunches. His behaviour does not merit this response and you’d do well to take him off the pedestal you’ve all had him up on.
As to the guilt bouquet? Send them back. It’s not a measure of his affection.

I am genuinely sorry to hear you have been so unwell and hope you make a rapid recovery.

I still think you should tell OW husband.

She has destroyed disrupted your life. Not destroyed it cause she really has done you a favour long term. However This poor chap her husband is being taken for a fool whilst she is having a jolly good time wineing and dining.

Definitely don't invite for Xmas lunch.
Your daughter needs to accept you have been treated like shit.
This specimen deserves to be on his own.

Have a good time and just pretend he has died.

But that is their business. Blowing it up would just ve spite and revenge by the OP, when in reality her ex is the problem.

OW is not some Jezebel brainwashing the piece of shit. If it hadn't been her it would have been another woman. He checked out of his marriage.

I understand but OW enabled the shit.

So yes she deserves some turmoil.

And her husband also deserves to know.

💯

The wife having jollies with a dirty old.man whilst the husband is having to stay and look after their children.
Disgraceful.

Poor man need to be saved and the OW and the dirty old shit need their dirty secret exposed.