@Pleasenotme I know that feeling of wanting to know, not wanting to know, being torn up with the not knowing, so the only way to stop the tearing and pain of not knowing is to know, so you snoop and do stuff you never thought you’d do, and that hurts too.
And then you really know. And it’s a body blow like you never thought it would be.
It was one thing to ‘know’ (because he’s having an affair, so he logically he must be taking her out) as a conclusion in your head, where you can kind of deal with it as a concept, but to see it on paper, amounts, dates, times, places… it is horrific and traumatising.
I demanded access to everything he’d (unbeknownst to me) changed passwords to, presumably to buy him some time if I needed to look at a statement for any reason when he was in the affair. My God. Opening each one made me shake and one of them actually made me physically sick.
Do not , whatever you do, let this spiral. You know he’s having an affair and conceptually you know what that must entail. Don’t go looking for proof of something that you already know must be happening, it doesn’t help. I turned over everything like a detective and at every turn I found another layer of pain. Burn the bloody statement. Don’t revisit it, I checked what I was doing at the times and dates he was with her and that’s a dark, dark place to go. I thought I wanted to know but it branded itself onto my brain and led to more questions, a huge desire to do more snooping. It’s a spiral down to a special kind of hell reserved for betrayed women. Do NOT do this, it does no good. It changes nothing.
Be very kind to yourself, new information drags you back to day 1, it’s bound to, you’ve got to process it and grieve it all over again.
I don’t blame you at all for wanting to contact her husband, I’d absolutely do it. But that’s a decision only you can make and you know your situation better than anybody here.
As far as Christmas is concerned, this man deserves nothing of his family. Nothing. He has and still is swinging a wrecking ball through all of you. However, your children might feel differently and that’s to be expected, it’s a different relationship. I would have a meeting with them and be totally honest about your feelings too. What you decide is up to you, but stay away from excess alcohol whatever you decide, you will be feeling low with or without him, because it’s obviously a very different and difficult Christmas this year and things once said, even though people know you’ve had a bit to drink, cannot be unheard. You need to be in full control of your dignity at all times.
If he comes over at Christmas at all (this is you and your family’s choice, nobody else’s) you dictate when he arrives and leaves and everyone has a right to veto. If one of your children wishes to see him and one does not, it might be better if they arranged to see him elsewhere later in the evening, nobody should have to endure his company for the sake of anybody else and I will repeat again, he deserves nothing. He took himself out of the family and can’t enter and exit whenever he wishes, he forfeited that right.
The pressure will be on OW to
tell her husband she’s leaving him after Christmas, no doubt at present she’s using that as an excuse to him to stay put. I predict a post-Christmas shitshow for your husband one way or another.
Priotise yourself, I know why you still love him and whilst unfathomable to some, I get it, you can’t just switch off a lifetime of feelings. If only we could. Feel free to message me if you want to, no judgement whatsoever, whatever you decide. I really, really feel for you and am so sorry this is happening to you.