Do they ever come back? Devastated. Following on. Endless winter.

[Pleasenotme]

Do they ever come back? Devastated.
1000 replies

Pleasenotme · 17/09/2024 16:25
Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.
I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.
I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

I can't remember if I have already mentioned it, but I did send her a message telling her that I looked forward to chatting to her DH about 'the situation'. Nothing specific or pointed, just that. Hopefully she is sweating on my doing so. That cheers me up too.

Big step forward! I recall that you were worried about doing that, because it would make your ex's betrayal of you more real.
There's no going back on that one now.
He'll know that you've sent the message. Yay!! Well done!!

The sleazy pair of them will be sweating, wondering when you're going to tell the OW's H.

Smart move @Pleasenotme

I missed the part about you messaging the OW! Well bloody done! I hope she won’t be able to sleep from worry!

Neither will the OP's Ex-H!

That's probably why he sent the flowers @Pleasenotme

I expect the OW suggested it, to sweeten you up.

Sorry, I should have clarified that my youngest is working Christmas Day and has said that she 'isn't interested/doesn't care' if we do invite him, as long as he has gone before she gets back. I think my eldest DD just wanted some return to normality to be frank, but I agree it would be a very weird event and there is always the chance, should I indulge in too much wine, that I will let myself down and ruin the day for the DC if I cry, beg or otherwise make a fool of myself, or the most likely scenario, all three...

@TheShellBeach Interesting theory, and one which my eldest DD posited as well. In fact, the timings were pretty close with the message pre-dating the flowers.

.........and there is always the chance, should I indulge in too much wine, that I will let myself down and ruin the day for the DC if I cry, beg or otherwise make a fool of myself, or the most likely scenario, all three

Yes. You have enough self knowledge to know that it would be a complete disaster if you invited him for Christmas dinner. You'd set yourself back emotionally. You're starting to make progress, even though you can't see it. Don't invite him.

Please don't do it.

God help you OP.
We hold our emotions in our lungs so the pneumonia is no surprise.
I lost someone suddenly this time last year and the shock and grief triggered it.
Take a tonic and a good complete vitamin, and make sure you take vitamin D which is important. Mine was very low.

Don't have him over for Christmas day.
It really is not a good idea.

I think it is a good idea to let her poor husband know the truth.

I feel so sorry for the spouse in these situations.

@Pleasenotme

Right now you just focus on building back your health and strength. Xmas is a month away, there's plenty of time to plan your new Xmas with your new traditions.

Personally, I wouldn't invite or include him in anything. Eldest DD should understand that doing so would be a 'false normality' and not healthy for any of you as future Xmases will be different. Start as you mean to go on. If she wants to see him they can have lunch together or something.

Good to hear from you OP. So sorry to hear you’ve been so ill -look after yourself and stay warm.
Like previous posters my girl reaction to the Christmas invitation is - no ! He has forfeited in the good side of family life when he walked out! Perhaps he cam
meet up with the children somewhere else later in the day? It will only upset you and diminish what he has done if you invite him over .

Gut not girl !

Remember he will feel the discomfort of what he has done more if he isn't invited for Christmas Day.

So pleased to hear you making some progress - getting back to work (albeit woolly-brained), finding comfort in friends and car fur, etc.

My ex left me too and contrary to what everyone is saying here, I held my head up and continued to treat him as a member of the family so for 10 years he has still joined us on Xmas day (or me there) and birthdays. We manage and now the kids are older they are grateful. I appreciate everyone’s situation is different and certainly I appreciate one of your daughters doesn’t want to see him, but she doesn’t mind if he comes for the sake of the others as long as he leaves asap. Just wanted to posit a different view. If he comes, limit that alcohol intake till he’s left, for your self-preservation - you will need a crystal-clear head to manage his visit.

Sending get well vibes.

Yes.
And the OP will feel sorry for him, which is unfortunate, but that's too bad.

He's walked out of their lives now. Even tried to get the house sold by Christmas!

He doesn't deserve a roast turkey dinner. Not with the OP anyway.

Maybe the OW will invite him.
🤣

@Pleasenotme cats are very intuitive. I bet yours has been very worried about you.

Agree with this. Ow shitting herself. It’s like when a cat catches a mouse and slowly tortures it before the kill ( unfortunately my cat doesn’t this a lot to my dismay). You should apply this approach now.
I bet she wants “one last Christmas” as a “family” before leaving her H. Would not be suprised if she manages to invite your H and again hide in plain sight.

Glad you are back. I am sorry to hear you have been so ill but pleased to know you are recovering. You must look after yourself and eat well.

I do think he is not pressing you so much regarding the sale of your home and the sending of flowers because of the message you sent OW, they are both worried. Maybe you could leave a notée under the windscreen wipers of her husband’s car.
As for Christmas please do not invite your H into your home, he has said goodbye to all that, the day he walked out, also mentally, for your own sake he may try to wheedle his way … giving you hope, he’ll try to soften you up with words and deeds., especially if wine is in the mix.
Take care you are doing well.

This. He needs to see what it’s like at Christmas, now that he’s broken up the family. He doesn’t get to throw a grenade into your life, then play happy families at Christmas so he isn’t alone. He needs to sit with his choices and their consequences.

Absolutely this.

I doubt she had the least intention to leave her husband .

FGS do not invite the cheating arsehole for Christmas. Don't kid yourself it will be just like old times because it won't.

Not until the ops H buys a house … hopefully by that time she will have lost interest.

Replying to @LadyLydia

@Pleasenotme Sorry to hear you have been so ill.
Deep stress seems to lower our immunity generally.

I too don’t think that having your STB ex husband as a Christmas guest for lunch is at all a good idea.
You are bound to break down, and his faithless ass doesn’t deserve it.

He probably isn’t too enamoured with the thought of living alongside the badly behaved children of OW.

Someone close to me has actually put their divorce on hold because of the children- It’s one thing having illicit trysts - those are probably exciting- ( never had one) but the daily grind of Tantrums soon takes the gilt off the gingerbread.

OW probably wants your husband to set up a nice home for them to have 50/50 in.

I wonder if OW’s husband has any suspicion at all as to his wife’s infidelity?

Poor bloke probably has no idea that he will soon be having to wrangle the kids solo for 50 percent of the time.

Drag your heels as much as you can- Try to stay in your home for as long as possible.

As to him sending you flowers- what a cruel move if it’s him just trying to soft soap 🧼 you into being acquiescent.

You know better than to fall for that.

Hold Fast! 💪

You sound very self aware- Not at all the same, but my then teenage son wanted to spend Christmas with his mate and mate’s family-

I was naturally very upset, and completely broke down in front of one of son’s friends who was a bit 😯.

However- I put a brave face on it and my friends very kindly invited me over.

Son ( now an adult) said he hated it - his friends family drink a lot and they were arguing.

Christmas is such a stressful time for many.

👍🏼👍🏼