Do they ever come back? Devastated. Following on. Endless winter.

[Pleasenotme]

Do they ever come back? Devastated.
1000 replies

Pleasenotme · 17/09/2024 16:25
Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.
I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.
I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

When my h had an affair her husband hired a private investigator to track me down as we live in US/UK. He wrote me a letter. That was brutal but if h hadn't told me just before I'd never have known. H only told me as he knew the letter was coming..

Am so sorry you're feeling so low again and as far as ever from believing that you will be ok one day (you absolutely will be). I think the flowers probably gave you a glimmer of hope that he was regretting leaving and this evidence that he is out having fun in the giddy throes of a new relationship has understandably been a total body blow. It's awful today but will be less awful in a few days and even less awful in a week and you will be glad you saw it before you gave in to the temptation to invite him for Christmas.

I think in these circumstances most would open the post, so don't beat yourself up about it. You have to be a step ahead of him now.

I don't know if you are still considering having him over Christmas day. I advise against it. I made that mistake, it was Easter actually but still, and it was the most awkward few hours ever. The conversation was stunted, I was so on edge that I dropped my serving platter(I was so pissed off as it was part of a set) and the kids were out of sorts that day being impossible and for a while after. So please, for your own sake don't do it. If. Dd wants to see him, then she can go see him on their own arrangement. DON'T DO IT. PLEASE.

I think it's time her DH was told. You would think after your message she would have had to tell him. I would invite him for a drink and compare notes of shitty spouses. And maybe even a poa going forward

I wouldn’t say anything to the OW’s husband, for all we know they might be maintaining a charade until Christmas is over - for their dc. Hopefully @Pleasenotme will bide her time, focus on herself and regaining her strength, planning a Christmas with her dc and/or other family. The stbx and the ow can wallow in the mire of their making - op can slowly begin to heal and, as the saying goes ‘when you’re in hell, keep going’ knowing that this too will pass, no feeling lasts for ever.

Just prioritise looking after yourself. You’ve been really poorly. I’d tell adult dc that Christmas will look different this year and have a lazy day with nice easy food. It will also help not trying to do usual but he’s missing from the table. While volunteering etc may be an option in future I think you need to put yourself first and just rest. I wouldn’t entertain him coming. If they want to see him they can.
As for post opening I wouldn’t give it another thought. He’s had weeks to change his address. Put it away and don’t give it headroom.
As for her husband it’s up to you. I think you’ve been very dignified. Whatever you decide it’s all on them not you ruining Christmas. Maybe reach out to him and say you need to speak.

Yourself and the OW husband are the victims.
Her husband needs to know.

..................... for all we know they might be maintaining a charade until Christmas is over - for their DC

Pah. Neither of them thought about the children when they started this.

They didn't think about the children when the OW's husband was at home, looking after them, while the OW and the OP's STBXH were out together, having expensive dinners and finding somewhere to have sex.

They were not thinking about the OP's children, either.

They've been quite happy to spoil the STBXH's children's happiness. Even to take their house from them. The STBXH has tried to make the OP sell her home FGS.

This pair are only thinking about themselves.

They're selfish, grasping and without a conscience between them.

The OW's husband needs to know. It's his right. Everyone else knows. He'll be furious to find that he was the only one who was oblivious to this.

Him on his own on Christmas Day while his sister is abroad, ow plays happy families with her h and children and you have a nice relaxing day with your adult children is a real you’ve made your bed lie in it moment for him. Do not make things easier for him by inviting him.

Also this thread is nearly full. Please start another for support.

Do not make things easier for him by inviting him

No. Definitely not @Pleasenotme

It'll destroy you. Please, I'm not sure at all why your daughter thought it might be a good idea.

Is this the daughter who has been in contact with her father?

Yes, if you would like to start a new thread, we're all here to listen. If you find it helpful.

I suspect adult child who has asked is clinging on to what was and not appreciating just how uncomfortable it will be. She’s early 20s I think. I’d just be clear she’s fine to see him if she wishes on Christmas Day (he’s not invited his children for lunch just assumed op will host) but it’s not appropriate for him to come and sit at your table and pretend nothing amiss.
I’d honestly ditch the Christmas dinner and do a nice brunch and nice nibbles in evening when younger one is home from work. Just explain things will be different this year but it will still be special.

His x1000

You would deeply regret it, I am sure.

The new normal is here. Prolonging the agony by trying to have a family Christmas won't help anyone.

I do hope that the man himself hasn't asked his daughter to suggest to the OP that he should come for Christmas dinner.

Yes and as you have chosen to stay then perhaps that alters your perception of what should and shouldn't be known or done.

Time for her hapless hubby to know how faithless his wife is being.

Regarding opening his mail- I did that as well. {Bank statements} and it was a similar story.

I absolutely understand your reaction..I wanted too, to go to where my husband and the OW worked- {a school} but my mum said please don't do that- as you will only upset yourself.

She was right, of course.

Re the OW's horribly behaved children- while her husband is looking after them, she can dally around with your husband, untrammelled by their siren-like tantrums, screeches and screams - Nice ,quiet kid free intimate dinners will be no more..

Unlikely her husband will want to babysit while she's off gallivanting without the God Forbids.

Her kids will probably be the nail in the coffin of their relationship.

Kids often are. 👍

I’m so sorry you have been so ill OP . I am extremely impressed that you opened that bank statement and didn’t just mutely hand it over . Also that you have done a couple of sensible admin chores with the pension and will . Keep going and remember to be proud of yourself .

Just to offer an alternative viewpoint about contacting the OW’s DH. Many years ago I was in a similar situation to the OP (though we hadn’t been together nearly as long as the OP and her husband). My DP cheated on me and the OW’s partner contacted me several times. He even phoned me at work. It was excruciating to me to have this person insinuate himself into my private life. I think he wanted us to form a united front against our cheating partners. I wish he had left me alone. Now I know no one here would suggest the OP force any contact on the OW’s husband. But it’s a matter to approach delicately.

I hope you are feeling better @Pleasenotme I also ended up with pneumonia and spent a week in hospital after the discovery that my partner cheated. It was a terrible time for me. But life can get better, it really can.

@forevernumb it coloured my perception of what I should or shouldn’t have done, me, in my situation, not the OP.
What should and shouldn’t be done is up to the OP and nobody else and I have qualified that in every post I have written.
Staying or leaving doesn’t change how much or how little people want to know. That’s a purely personal choice, some will want it all in either event and others satisfy themselves with a potted version. Each to their own.
I am certain that if he had left I would have reacted in exactly the same way as I did re seeing details and how helpful, or not, sifting through forensic details would have been to me. That’s just me. It’s neither right nor wrong for OP, it was what was right or wrong for me. Nobody reacts in the same way.
It is for none of us to say what should or shouldn’t be done, we can recount our experiences for OP in case some of it resonates and is up to Pleasenotme to decide that.
Staying or leaving wouldn’t colour my perception either way in this particular respect, I would have wanted to know what I know now anyway, enough to be able to make a stay/ go decision, but either way, obsessing and diving into more and more details and minutiae about the same event did me no good. It just wasn’t helpful to me or my mental health.

Agree!

I entirely concur @Thewookiemustgo . You phrase it so much better than I can.

Every couple, every scenario, while there may be some common themes, is unique.

My situation was more similar to pleasenotme, in that my husband moved out. Initially, I drove myself insane hunting for clues about his life, what he was doing, where he was going etc. Each time I found out something new, it was another kick when I least needed it. And would start me spiralling again. At that time, from his perspective, what he was doing was no longer my business, we were separated, he didn't live with me, and I had no right to know.

We talk about it now he is home, in general terms, but knowing he spent X on Y date, doing Z etc, does not help me heal or bring us closer. Now, if I ask questions he will answer them, but he is always careful to check if I am sure I want to know. I don't want or need to hear anything that will create mental pictures that I cannot eliminate.

@Einkleinerwaschbar the same thing happened to a very close friend of mine and she was the opposite of me, her husband moved out to be with the OW and she grey rocked the whole thing, her attitude was that if he wanted out, what he did after that was his business outside of how to parent their children.
When he wanted to come back she asked the bare minimum of what she wanted to know and he told her, offering to answer any questions she had. I’m not that person, I wanted to know everything but realised that even everything had layer upon layer and my OCD returned as a result. It didn’t help. My friend said that he’d had an affair, she knew what would have happened anyway or could make a near as darn it guess. Her attitude was that the details changed nothing and would just give her more to get upset about. My friend came through it with better mental health than mine as a result.

The day he found out I actually did know what was going on, I asked all the 'big' questions. We were not in a place at that time that details would have been forthcoming from him, even if I had asked. By the time we were, I had learned enough about myself that I knew asking more would lead me down rabbit holes that would destroy me. When I am tempted to ask things, I sit with it for a day or two, and the vast majority of the time, I find that the answer no longer matters.

Another unpopular choice according to most here - I have also never asked for access to his phone or email. If someone wants to hide things, they will always find a way, and asking to see more would only drive me insane.

Thank you for the many, many responses with the incredible mixture of wisdom, support, insight, bracing-up, kindness. @Thewookiemustgo, I'm afraid I succumbed and did dive down into that wretched world of comparing dates on that horrendous statement with what I and the DC were doing. On my birthday they were at a very lovely restaurant which he and I had been to numerous times over the years during special occasions, including birthdays. On another, on a day that I know he told my eldest DS that he was too busy to meet up with him and discuss DS's forthcoming change of role at work (I have DS's sad whatsapp to me about it), he was at a place I had always wanted to go to with him but he said he hadn't liked the look of. Well he seems to like it now as he's a regular.

And I completely blew it by ringing him - to my amazement he answered - and raging at him like some mad woman, sobbing, crying, totally incoherent. I managed not to tell him that I had the statement, thank God, but I screeched that he had 'been seen' by people I knew at these places. He was furious, contemptuous, dismissive and I knew I had made a profound mistake as I feel completely without any worth whatsoever now. I felt as nothing before but now it's as if I am just a ghost of something long past. He said that he couldn't wait to divorce me, that I was completely disgusting and he hadn't loved me 'for years'. That I had had 'my chances' but he now has 'zero interest' in me or my pathetic little life. And many other vile things. It was like being flayed but I didn't end the call because I just needed to connect with him, to cling onto the sound of his voice, irrespective of its cruelty. I imagine a psychologist would have a field day with me.

So there you have it. I've blown my dignity, any semblance of composure I had managed to cobble together over the past few weeks, and made a complete fool of myself. I went to Church this morning to try and find a shred of peace. I haven't been for weeks as my faith seems to have abandoned me the way H has, and as I listened to the Priest talking about this being the Festival of Christ the King, I thought about the pain of a broken heart, the grief of my losing him - my beloved, precious husband - the agony of our beautiful family being blown apart like this, and I just felt bleak in a way I cannot even describe. The Priest stopped me on the way out and took my hand, told me it was nice to see me again, and asked how I was; I could tell that someone has clearly told him about my situation. I couldn't answer but started to break down and he told me that I could talk to him at any time. He is a good, learned, kind man and I may well take him up on the offer in the future but not now as I am inconsolable and have virtually no emotional self-control.

I know many of you will be disgusted in me and my weakness. I ask only that you accept that we all react in our own ways and that there is no script for this (unlike my H's 'script' which definitely trotted out all those cliches about never having loved me etc etc). This thread is a lifeline to me, literally at times, so please go easy on the criticism as I'm really not in a good place. In normal times I'm a strong, independent, professional woman who has achieved a reasonable amount of success and have tried to do my bit to give back to society. But the gods are having a grand old time playing chess with my heart and soul now. As I said to my brother a few weeks ago, I must have done something very, very bad in the past to warrant this hell.

On my birthday they were at a very lovely restaurant which he and I had been to numerous times over the years during special occasions, including birthdays.

He really is a complete rat, isn't he? I hope you see the arsehole for what he is OP. He is not beloved, he is not precious, he is a vile monster. Please don't beat yourself up for ringing him. It's a blessing in disguise. You have seen his true colours. He really is vile. I hope YOU can't wait to divorce HIM. Take heart from all the support we have for you, all the stories of women who have been there before you and made fantastic lives without their disgusting exes.

I do hope he is not coming for Christmas. He's contemptible. We are disgusted with him, not you. He is a gaslighting creep, liar, dissembler, adulterer, cheat, terrible father and abuser. There's your starter for 10 to get angry about.