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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Do they ever come back? Devastated. Following on. Endless winter.

1000 replies

Pleasenotme · 21/09/2024 16:53

Do they ever come back? Devastated.
1000 replies

Pleasenotme · 17/09/2024 16:25
Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.
I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.
I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
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TheShellBeach · 22/09/2024 11:13

I also recall how it felt. It was unbearable. And it was sudden.
One day he loved me and the next, he hated me.

Grrrpredictivetex · 22/09/2024 12:35

No advice but rooting for you.

Scottishskifun · 22/09/2024 15:16

Firstly well done for getting out, secondly for finding the inner strength to go feck that and call the estate agents.

TheShellBeach · 22/09/2024 17:16

You may think that you're doing badly, OP but even just talking to the estate agent is an achievement.

Mrsuniquename · 22/09/2024 21:45

How are you OP? Hopefully you’ve had support from friends and family over the weekend?

BruFord · 22/09/2024 21:48

Well done on cancelling the estate agent's. You may be devastated, but you're taking control of the situation. Flowers

Channellingsophistication · 22/09/2024 22:57

I can recall those dark early days, when the smallest task seems overwhelming, it’s like walking through treacle….

Do you exercise? I found going to the gym really helped my emotional pain after exh dumped me for OW.

Thinking of you. Keep posting for support. We are here for you

Fannyfiggs · 23/09/2024 06:39

I don't have any advice to give you but just want to continue to offer you love and support ❤️

Pleasenotme · 23/09/2024 10:02

Disastrous, was a complete fool. He came home to collect some work paperwork and files which was pre-arranged. I was desperate to see him, just to be in the same place as him. I hoped he would see me and realise his big mistake. I tried hard, so hard, to be dignified but ended up breaking down and begging him to come back, crying hysterically and telling him how much I love him. Pleading with him. He was contemptuous of me, icy cold. I can't do this, I really can't. Spoke to Samaritans last night but ended call after a few minutes as they can't do what I want them to do which is bring him back and make the pain go away. Had long exchange of messages with sensible friend which calmed me a little but she hasn't got a magic wand either. The pain is searing and I'm on my knees physically and mentally with it all. I don't want this, I want him back.

OP posts:
BadSkiingMum · 23/09/2024 10:06

I wouldn’t worry, that is all completely understandable.

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. It is an emotionally honest and consistent response.

Perhaps it is helpful on some level for him to see the impact of his decision making?

BadSkiingMum · 23/09/2024 10:09

I suggest that you go back to bed for a while today, perhaps watch something light (short episodes) to distract you.

fossilgap · 23/09/2024 10:09

Oh mate, I’m so sorry, what I try to do when I’m thinking about behaving badly as imagine someone watching me or being on a flow in the wall documentary. I’m not sure that will help in the depths of your despair but it works for me.

Secondstart1001 · 23/09/2024 10:24

@Pleasenotme is there any way one of your dc could come and stay with you for a few days or you go to them? I don’t think you should be alone right now.

I completely understand why you begged, it’s just so callous and cold the way he treated you. I am so angry on your behalf and sorry how yesterday unfolded.

NotAgainBrian · 23/09/2024 10:32

Pleasenotme · 23/09/2024 10:02

Disastrous, was a complete fool. He came home to collect some work paperwork and files which was pre-arranged. I was desperate to see him, just to be in the same place as him. I hoped he would see me and realise his big mistake. I tried hard, so hard, to be dignified but ended up breaking down and begging him to come back, crying hysterically and telling him how much I love him. Pleading with him. He was contemptuous of me, icy cold. I can't do this, I really can't. Spoke to Samaritans last night but ended call after a few minutes as they can't do what I want them to do which is bring him back and make the pain go away. Had long exchange of messages with sensible friend which calmed me a little but she hasn't got a magic wand either. The pain is searing and I'm on my knees physically and mentally with it all. I don't want this, I want him back.

I'm really glad you've started a new thread. Oh my heart actually hurts for you. All I can say is, you're not a fool and actually this is really quite a normal way to reach and feel when you've been so utterly blindsided like this. I realise that isn't helpful in the slightest right now, it really is horrendous feeling this way. I remember this well. The begging and the feeling like you'd literally do anything if they'd just come back and make things like they were before. The thing is, even if he did come back, it would never be like before. You'd always know he's capable of this now, and always know deep down that you deserve better.

It will get easier, it really will. Do you have people around who could come and stay with you, or even just spend a few hours with you in the day? Please do lean on people if you can, and keep talking on here. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

TheShellBeach · 23/09/2024 10:32

That's so distressing for you @Pleasenotme and I completely understand.

Can a friend come round today? Someone just to be with you, make you cups of tea and hold you while you cry?

Don't be hard on yourself. He's been cruel to you but you still love him. You can't just switch that off.

The worst thing is knowing that he has somehow managed to switch off his love for you. That is terrifying for you.

Josephinesnapoleon · 23/09/2024 10:53

Oh op this is hard to read, so I can’t imagine how unfathomable the pain is right now for you to react this way.

is there anyone who can be with you? Or can you go out and do something, even just a walk?

let’s break it down and think rationally.

what is it that’s upsetting you the most right now. Is it the fear of starting again? Of being alone? The house, money? Is it really him first and foremost? Can you list in order of priority the scary things? And we can help you with each one.

be if how to manage change, how financial settlements work, what money you will have, how to rehouse, how to deal with house sale, how to meet people. Whatever. We can help.

and he will be cold. As someone said on your previous thread, they behaved that way, it was the only way to get through it, to steal themselves and not engage. It simply an awful situation, that yes he caused, but that doesn’t make it easy.

Valherie · 23/09/2024 10:55

Op, my heart shatters for you every time I read an update. I’ve only had one “bad breakup” and I was a wreck for six months. I can only imagine how deeply this must be affecting you.

I popped on here to post that some of what you are writing really reminds me of how it felt when I found out someone close to me would suddenly die within a few days - the disbelief, the physical shock, the feeling you can’t bear to carry on, the bargaining and pleading to try and somehow make the outcome different.

The difference is, I didn’t have a heartless a’hole on the other end of the process.

If he was kind and understanding and penitent, would it help? Or would it encourage you to feel illogically hopeful?

I guess it would help to know he hadn’t become a complete stranger, that the person you loved was still “in there” somewhere.

But it might hurt more in the long run, like pulling off a plaster slowly.

Maybe ripping off the plaster, brutal as it is, and exposing the wound to the air will ultimately get you to a place where you can heal quicker. maybe?

You know you can’t hold on to the man you loved, because he no longer exists, and yes the worst thing is perhaps he hasn’t existed for a long time.

But you exist - you can be strong for yourself, and you can do it. As pp said upthread: we are all here rooting for you.

PashaMinaMio · 23/09/2024 10:59

Thsnkd for your latest update. I’ve been thinking of you over the wkend.

To a greater of lesser degree there’s others out here going through what you’re going through right now. We are staring into a void of life without the one person we thought, in all the world, was our dearest love and best friend.

Sadly there’s no magic bullet to fix it and, if he came back tomorrow you will always resent the pain he’s inflicted on you. The pot’s been cracked, it’ll always leak resentment and bad memories.

Just keep on keeping on. What else is there to do? One foot in front of the other, one breath at a time.

Try to think of something small you can do to feel a little bit more in control. It was a good thing to cancel the estate agent, it was a good thing you held it together in Tesco. I know exactly how that feels. Been there!

Fresh air, getting out of the house everyday is essential. You must go for a walk, every single day. It helps. It really does.

Im retired so my day is not filled with the panacea and distraction of work. Why not dry your tears and try burying yourself in your professional life. Work harder and longer. Get some control back in that quarter.

Could you think about booking a little holiday for some winter sun? Would a retreat or activity break suit you? It will be a “control” tactic.

I’m away next month and will probably book again for January or February. I don’t want to travel alone, I’d like him with me, but hey ho why should I put my life on hold?

Finally, you’re not alone. We have to believe “this too shall pass.” That’s the hope, the mantra, lots of us are hanging onto at present.

Devilsadvocat · 23/09/2024 11:04

I agree with everything #Valherie says. If he were kind to you you would think you would have a chance that he would change his mind, but you would never forgive him in the end no matter how great a love you have for him. Next time he needs to come round have someone there with you, do not see him alone.

TwinMama39 · 23/09/2024 11:39

I have never wanted to reach across the screen more and give someone a hug. Please know that you have a community of women rooting for you, thinking of you and sending you strength & love.

WaldoPablo · 23/09/2024 11:44

Oh OP, huge hugs. I was engaged to someone in my 30s who cheated and left and I was a wreck for a long long time. BUT (the good news) but I am fine now, almost never think of them and you will get there too.

I think the only thing that worked for me was time. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Your brain wont allow you to stay like this forever, it just wont. You will heal and move on, its part of our survival instinct. I know its awful though. The grief and despair. Just take it a day at a time, an hour at a time even.

Washingupdone · 23/09/2024 11:48

Thinking of you . Hugs x

ScoobyDoesnt · 23/09/2024 11:52

It's still clearly very raw for you and my heart goes out to you.

You've got to remember he's been planning this for a very long time, so is way ahead of you emotionally and practically.

If he wants to come back for more paperwork, go out, or get someone to come to the house and let him in. Stay out the way. Easier said than done, but the sooner you can find your angry and grey rock him the better. However hard it is, don't message, show emotion or feeling, or respond to him. You WILL get to that point when that angry comes.

Did he say anything about the estate agent?

GigiGem · 23/09/2024 12:02

OP I have no words of wisdom but I’ve felt exactly like you do, and word for word, had the same responses . Please know it it will pass and get easier , even if that feels impossible to believe at the moment . Sending hugs and keeping you in my thoughts x

InsolentNoise · 23/09/2024 12:03

Beaverbridge · 22/09/2024 10:20

It's horrendous feeling like this. I'm 30 plus years on never been happier, but in my darkest hours can recall how it felt. Keep posting venting on here. We, re all rooting for you.

25 years on, here.
It was HORRENDOUS. I was only 30 yet I recall shuffling around Sainsbury’s like an old woman; the stuffing completely knocked out of me.
Couldn’t eat a thing although it was great to suddenly be very slim again 😂

Pepole could barely believe me when I told them. It was just so incredible, literally.

Well, I am now remarried and I have two wonderful DC.

Ex DH wasn’t even with her for that long after that.
He has missed his chance to have children.

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