Do they ever come back? Devastated. Following on. Endless winter.

[Pleasenotme]

Do they ever come back? Devastated.
1000 replies

Pleasenotme · 17/09/2024 16:25
Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.
I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.
I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

my first marriage was 22yrs when it ended. When i experienced the sudden death of a very loved family member, it paled in comparison. But as u say, you are all not me. To me, a death was far worse. Anyway, I don’t want to derail this thread, so I’ll leave u’s to it.

@AlertCat such insulting, self indulgent claptrap. Ludicrous to suggest an arsehole man walking out is worse than the death of a loving partner.

I understand that one of the main ways that people truly move on from trauma is to really feel it. Most of us try to protect ourselves from hurting, painful feelings. What you're experiencing right now must feel terrible and overwhelming at the moment, but the fact that you are feeling and allowing yourself to accept this pain right now might be helpful in the long run. Take care of yourself OP, it's going to be OK. You're going to be OK.

I’m shocked that a poster would say no one has died as if what you are feeling is over dramatic. It is not. They have clearly not felt the loss of a long marriage which is utterly devastating.

I once read having a marriage end through infidelity was actually worse than a bereavement. If your spouse dies, you know that they loved you but if they betray you and leave you it calls into question your whole marriage.

it’s hard right now OP but don’t apologise for your feelings. You are right to be devastated by what happened to you but it will get better. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other

It's probably a good idea not to engage with some posters.
We'll end up with another derailment. The last one really upset the OP.

Ludicrous to suggest an arsehole man walking out is worse than the death of a loving partner.

But OP had no inkling he was an arsehole. She spent decades thinking he was a loving partner, one she'd grow old and die with, and then that loving partner was suddenly gone.
Of course the devastation will be similar.

@TheShellBeach
sorry yes you're right of course. I'll desist.

100% agree with this.

It is not a strange response and the poster understands very well my response. She wants her husband back and will forgive him if he comes back

it is the people here who want her moving on asap

......it is the people here who want her moving on asap

Well, that's nonsense.
Most people are telling the OP to take things as slowly as she needs to.

Yes it's not just a man OP is losing its years of happy memories. It's the loss of your future growing old with one you love. All that has gone.
It's a terrible grief.

Obviously it is not worse than death for the man himself; but I can well see that it may be worse than his death for the woman deserted. It may be harder to get over having him living nearby than having him die. You lack insight, sadly.

@northernlight20 yes, you do lack insight. And basic manners. Who on earth are you to throw around insults? “Weak woman” indeed!
And yes, for many people the sudden and unexpected severance of a relationship does have the same effect as a bereavement, but with the added trauma that the loved one chose to leave. Death, unless by one’s own hand, is out of our control. Fucking off with Tina from accounts without a backward glance after many happy decades, is not.

What the hell has happened to stop you having some bloody compassion? Don't you think if one could they would chose to be over heartbreak in a minute? When it is forced it isn't sustained. It needs time to be processed.

@northernlight20 please stop now. This is the support thread for someone going through a very difficult time and your posts are inappropriate.

I think it’s the utter betrayal and shock that someone you trusted with your life, someone you thought truly loved you could do such a terrible thing. It’s the cold detachment and callousness of it. Literally heartbreaking.

Agreed. We split 15 months ago, I initiated a break, he made it permanent but that was a relief to me. But the shock is real and he has really done some damage. His actions are beyond cruel.

I wish I had, too! If my words can give you any comfort now, I'm glad.

I'm sure it does still hurt at times, but when it does just remember how far you've come in 15 months. Celebrate yourself and your moments of peace and happiness. Nothing you do for yourself is too small to be proud of and happy about.

They're all loving until they are not.

I've never in all my years here commented on derailment on a thread, but can we stop comparing death and desertion now?

No one has died in this situation so it's got nothing to do with anything!

OP has never made any comparison herself and is having to wade through a load of posts about a subject which isn't helpful.

Oh gosh. If I was a crier I would have done then! Annoyingly I am too hard on myself, wish I knew why, but thinking about it I have done really well and come far. Still work to do but I can see little changes every now and then. I didn't post as been here long enough to know I'd get good and bad and was too fragile for the bad then the divorce reason was too personal as I carried shame. It was all him but I don't carry shame any more so know I should just say.

Thank you so much. You're a lovely person 💐

This is a wonderful analogy.

Yes I've had 40 years of medication and 20 years of psychiatric help. They don't realise what they do to you, and think it's all so easy to move on and deal with the 'come and go girlfriends', subsequent half siblings etcetc. It's a real shot tome and at times wished we were all dead. It's truly foul. Think of yourself and your babies and your self preservation for your future. Take good care of yourself. I mean that. Love xx

Just checking in @Pleasenotme .
I hope as each day passes it gets easier.