Do they ever come back? Devastated. Following on. Endless winter.

[Pleasenotme]

Do they ever come back? Devastated.
1000 replies

Pleasenotme · 17/09/2024 16:25
Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.
I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.
I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

@PlutarchHeavensbee Oh wow that's heart-breaking. Your poor mum.

Well said @PlutarchHeavensbee . There is no man in the world that is worth living like you are already dead but I think that much of it comes down to character - your self love and your determination. Admittedly when people have been together since a very young age then it is challenging to forge a new path. However there is another chapter in every book until the end.

@Pleasenotme

You know, I've always thought of threads like these that have sympathetic, harsh, wise, and foolish responses rather like walking in a large garden. Some 'flowers' you stop and smell for a moment then walk on. Some you pluck and keep with you to see in a beautiful vase for as long as they stay 'fresh'. Some you simply pass by without noticing, others, well, those are the weeds that you pull up and toss aside to wither and die in a pile. And in all gardens, the display changes from day to day, week to week.

So you just pick the flowers that 'speak to you'. They aren't always the most beautiful in the garden nor are they always your 'favourite' blooms. They're the ones that make you say "Yes, I need to look at these for awhile, these really 'fit' in the house right now".

Your 'moving on' is a marathon, not a sprint. It will take time. Better you move slowly and make decisions that will work in the long run than to jump into a decision that seems to fit the 'right now' just so you can tell others that you've 'moved on'. Even if the 'drawing out' of your healing causes you more pain in the long run, you will know to your toes that you are healed when it's all over.

Just acknowledge that he will not be coming back, nor should you want him to. Acknowledging isn't the same as 'accepting', it's just saying "Yes, that exists" and keeping it on the edge of your field of vision until you're really ready to look it square in the face.

Peace will come, when you are ready for it.

TBH this is what I hope for him. To get rude awakening and actually poster never have him back, ever again. He is a monster and a perv

ref: rude awakening
but it does not seem they will be together with the OW ...is she really the OW
the whole thing might turn out to be that he was just a cold hearted prick just leaving the wife ( one relative husband left her telling her he has raised the kids and now he does not want to keep doing this thing (( marriage )) again )

A perv?
He may be many things but I'm not sure where you're getting perversion.

I am getting it from: leaving mature older wife with short normal curvaceous body and going after younger, taller, slimmer, prettier - because really, all women have their beauty and fashion pedophiles like the gays fashion icons ( one of them died recently ) created this myth what is a beautiful woman - has to be boobless, bottomless and tall, androgyn

ref: perv
any old man who goes after woman who can be his daughter has perv tendencies

Op, I did unwatch this thread as I found it incredibly frustrating. I understand the grief of a long marriage ending as ive experienced it, however, its nothing compared to the death of a loved one in any way. Life does go on and I hope you find the strength to move on.

How very very sad. I’m surprised you can bring yourself to have anything to do with your father at all. I couldn’t.

That is your experience. Many other posters have described a very different experience to yours. Life is not black and white.

If you find the thread frustrating, just scroll on by.

That is NOT true and it is very unhelpful to the OP when you keep posting this.
May I suggest that you unwatch the thread again?

We’ll have to agree to disagree, but someone divorcing you isn’t the same as your loved one dying suddenly. It just isn’t and I’ve experienced both. The person divorcing you is still alive, getting on with his/her life. It’s insulting to compare it to a death.

I've not yet finished reading this thread, but felt i had to post.

I'm sorry for the unkind posts you've received, @Pleasenotme , they're really uncalled for, and untrue, so please ignore them.

After I came out of hospital just after giving birth to our 1st child, my dp said he wanted us to split up and he didn't want to be with me anymore as I'd been moody and hard to live with in the later stages of this 1st pregnancy. It was a difficult pregnancy and a traumatic birth as I suffered from pre eclampsia and spinal, hip, and pelvic pain due to a previous accident, which pregnancy exacerbated.
Like you, it was completely out of the blue for me as he hadn't brought up any issues at all until this bombshell.
Like you, I begged on my knees, clinging onto his legs so he couldn't leave.

Even now, over 24 years later, I remember how bereft and heartbroken I felt. I was devastated and couldn't breathe.
We did talk it through, though, and he stayed and we're still together now.
It's only in the last 3 years that I've realised that this incident affected me deeply and I've carried the trauma of it all these years.
I almost left him myself about 3 years ago when all my suppressed feelings about this and a few other incidents came to a head. We ended up having counselling and it was immensely helpful. He was able to understand what he'd put me through all those years ago and we were both able to take responsibility for the past, which enabled us to move on.

You write so eloquently and with such honesty, so please continue as you are able; it is certainly not boring!

The loss of a relationship is akin to a death as you are losing that person. I had similar with my 1st husband as he was brain damaged after an rtc (and had had half his brain removed in a lobotomy in order to keep him alive), and I distinctly remember thinking it would be easier/better if he had died, because it was a grief as he wasn't the same person, but people expected me to be happy he was still around, which I was, but I was also mourning the loss of the man he had been.

Anyway, hugs and good wishes. I hope you are coping alright. Take it hour by hour, and it will take as long as it takes. Whatever emotions you feel are OK and healthy. Let yourself feel it and then try and let it wash over you and away.

Time is the only thing that will heal this pain so be gentle and kind to yourself. You sound amazing. 🌻💐

That is the point, in a way ‘the person divorcing you is still alive, getting on with his life’ while the person who has been left is frozen in pain and shock, with questions that will never be answered as things have inexplicably changed. There is no closure or finality, in the same way there is with bereavement. This is a type of grief. The OPs feelings are valid, regardless of what your experiences may be - you are not her. There is always nuance and complexity to these situations, it is never as simple as ‘X’ is worse. It comes across as shaming the OP for her feelings, and minimising what she is going through.

I won’t respond further to de-rail the thread. It is a shame that some posters feel the need to post their opinions as facts, when the aim of this thread is to show solidarity and support to the OP. A startling lack of self awareness and emotional intelligence by some posters.

you are right, her feelings are valid,

I like the thread. The lady is gentle, compassionate, helped vulnerable suffering people, has feelings, love CS Lewis. A beautiful soul who is suffering right now. All people ( well, at least 95% ) suffer at some point.

I hold the hope he won't live with the OW and that he is just gone mad old man , so either he comes back or at least the OP sees his own mental suffering which might be who knows or delusion and forgives him and move forward.

OP, perhaps you are a christian, you mentioned the Lord. Try Christian counselling and a study on forgiveness

I really wish you'd spoken to me when my world shattered. I think it would have helped given the beauty you've written here. I'm 15 months on since I ended my married but gosh it still hurts at times.

What a strange response. You think this mean deserves forgiveness? The best thing OP can do is eventually move beyond this and find someone who actually values her more than his ego.

Yes, we will have to agree to disagree - I disagree with you and have experienced both too. I don't think this helps OP, by the way. In my opinion, it is not insulting whatsoever to compare the two things, but we all have different experiences and need to accept that and respect other people's opinions.

No one is forcing you to read or follow this thread, by the way.

ok, you believe whatever and I do the same. Life is hard, but wallowing isn’t the answer. Just have to get up and get on with it. No man is worth being this devastated for. And no woman should ever kneel and beg to be taken back, it’s demeaning.

'Wallowing'? Jeez. OP is grieving the lost of a 30+ year marriage.

For me it was like a death. Like the OP I grieved. Grieving is normal. It is not wallowing.We aren't all the same you know.

I would disagree too. In many ways a loved one passing away is easier because it’s clean. This loss is multi-layered, comes in multiple blows, and is wrapped around and through with the additional shock of the huge betrayal and the realisation that a whole life has possibly been lived under false assumptions.

It’s insulting to compare it to a death.

I would disagree. And I have unfortunately experienced major bereavement. A decades-long marriage must be a devastating loss, and a bereavement in its own right. There's nothing insulting in acknowledging that.