Do they ever come back? Devastated. Following on. Endless winter.

[Pleasenotme]

Do they ever come back? Devastated.
1000 replies

Pleasenotme · 17/09/2024 16:25
Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.
I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.
I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

Glad you’ve made a new thread OP. How are you doing today?

You’ve had some great advice on the other thread - https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5167654-do-they-ever-come-back-devastated?page=40&reply=138458202

I’ve not been where you are, but supported a friend through her XH leaving out of the blue (yep, for someone else). The best thing she did was to disengage and grey rock. It was hard, but she found her anger, found her resolve, and now is beyond happy (2.5 years on) in her new life having ditched 15 stone of useless.

Are you still feeling completely devastated, OP? It has been a very short time. Really feel for you.

How are you doing today OP? We are all rooting for you.

I can't believe that my original thread has already reached a thousand messages. I have been offered such wisdom, tenderness and support, the latter all too often forged from agonising personal experience. Thank you.

Today has been very painful and if anything I feel even lower, plus I've been sick a couple of times and I'm struggling to contain my panic attacks. I don't know if this is just natural and a grief/trauma reaction, or if the Sertraline is exacerbating all this. Drove into town and wandered fairly aimlessly around Tesco. I only had a couple of things in my basket but couldn't even face using the self checkout as I thought I might have a breakdown in public if something went wrong and I had to call staff to assist. Even doing the most simple everyday things seem like climbing the Matterhorn. Normally confident and calm me has been replaced by someone I barely recognise. I shake all the time. When I got to the till the kind lady on it wished me a good rest of day: I don't know how I managed to stop myself shouting that it wasn't a good day as my husband has left me and I'm completely devastated by it all. In the middle of all the many people in the supermarket, I felt totally alone. I think I am going mad. I was dreading seeing the OW as I am very on edge so feeling murderous but fortunately there was no sighting of her.

I did ring the estate agent first thing this morning and told them that I was cancelling the appointment to value as the house was currently the subject of a 'marital dispute'. I have no idea if I had the legal right to do that, or if what I have said is incorrect, but it did seem to have the desired effect. He seemed totally unsurprised so I surmise that this is an everyday occurrence for them. I haven't had a response from my H about it yet so I have no idea if he knows or not. But when it does come to it, I can't afford to buy him out.

To those of you who have expressed concern about me confiding in my boss, there is more background than I have explained so far. We were both trainees together and have known each other many years. She is someone I socialise with and 'off duty', is a friend. She is my boss purely because she is more talented than me and probably more ambitious. She is one of the most moral, straightforward and decent women I know and I have no issue with her professional success, in fact it delights me. Despite all that, I am tempering what I tell her as there are the things she does need to know as she has work to get delivered, and there are others that are best kept for my closest friends.

And for those who have asked, no, I haven't yet told the OW's DH. I do want to smash to smithereens her fantasy world with my H but I just don't want to engage with her H at the moment. As I have said before, it makes their relationship 'real' if I do, plus I also have the same instinct that several PPs on my first thread expressed, which it would force H and OW into a 'us against the world' situation.

These wretched palpitations. Endless winter.

Sending you big hugs OP. You sound an amazing lady and I know you are going to come out the other end much stronger, even though you can’t see any light ahead atm. You write beautifully and just reading your posts made me think that you should keep a diary detailing your feelings/experiences as you travel along this very sad journey. Hopefully it will help you by writing things down, but I also think you could write a book to help others in the future going through similar loss. Your thread has really made me realise that we should take nothing for granted and that life can change in an instant. I can’t stop thinking about you OP, but the whole of MN is rooting for you. We are here by your side sending you love and strength.

Sending massive hugs. When it’s overwhelming, try to remember that it will pass. Just get from one breath to the next and the moments will pass, the feelings will change. What you feel now isn’t what you’ll feel forever.

So sorry OP - is there any chance you could go and stay with one of your children or your DB for a few days, just so you can feel safe and know the OW or your H aren't going to be there?

OP I have read all of your previous thread, and I’m so sorry this has happened to you. You’ve had some excellent advice from previous posters. I just want to say you should give yourself credit for already doing two brave things today. You cancelled the estate agent, and you managed to get out of the house and go to Tesco. These were big steps. You are doing really well.
Maybe write each of these achievements on a scrap of paper and put them in a jam jar. You will be surprised how quickly the jar will fill up.

Hello OP - thank you for making another thread.

I'm so sorry you've had such a terrible day. It sounds very difficult. My heart goes out to you.

When something similar happened to me I was in shock. I realised what it was because a few years earlier my child had been involved in an accident where I thought he'd died and I was in shock then, and recognised it later on when the truth of my marriage was revealed.

Treat yourself very kindly and go at your pace, not his. It's completely unreasonable of him to tell you and expect you to put the house up for sale immediately. That's shocking behaviour.

I can see why you’re not wanting to tell her husband. What would be much better revenge is if she gets cold feet and refuses to leave her husband and kids and he’s left with nobody. That would be exactly what he deserves.

im sorry you’re feeling so awful still. It’s understandable, must still be so raw.

I agree with @WeAreNotCookingTheSpoon … she might not leave her H and it would be his karma to be left alone.
@Pleasenotme I am sorry you are feeling like this. I sometimes have panic attacks and the key is to focus on your breathing. I know it’s such a horrible sensation, that feeling of being out of control and helpless. I personally think it’s likely you have post traumatic stress disorder. I can send you some links if you like about how to deal with a panic attack. Fresh mint steeped in hot water will help with the sickness and it’s quite soothing.

I am so sorry for the hurt and pain you’re going through.
I also suffered from panic attacks and sertraline did make them worse for the first few weeks and put me even more on edge but according to my GP that was normal.

I’ve read your other thread too OP and my heart goes out to you. You are an inspiration though you probably don’t realise it, so articulate, strong and compassionate. He is contemptible. Every day you are getting a little bit stronger. I am certain that soon the world will hear you roar. For now, keep breathing and take your time.

I read your other thread too and have also been where you are.

The pain is unbearable. I'm a few years on now but still don't like to recall it.

It does get easier gradually. You sound lovely and very strong but I'm sorry so many of us have to go through this and when it's completely on someone else. It's so unfair.

Don't be afraid to go back and ask for different meds or at least discuss it with gp.

We're all rooting for you. Hang on in there.

I wish I’d been there in Tesco to just quietly help you through the till. I think we all would like to make you a cup of tea, pour you a glass of wine or put something nourishing in front of you to keep your strength up. I can only imagine how much of a struggle it is, but even if you feel devastated you are clearly a person of strength and integrity. You will prevail.

I wonder just how appealing a 60 odd year old retired man looking for the simple life will be to a woman with 2 young children and all the expenses that entails. I'm glad you have been responsible for finances up until now, but I'd be checking if he has any hidden accounts if you can, this has been planned for a while, by the way he's talking, and he wants it done. He checked out if your marriage unbeknownst to you some time ago, this is the next step for him. You have all the emotions to go through now, and suddenly with no warning. I'm glad you've said no to the house valuation, but you do need to start looking at the practical, because the only person who will be blindsided otherwise is you, and you don't deserve that

I'm so, so sorry. It's so infuriatingly unfair that people can do things like this to one another, especially people they supposedly care about. It makes me want to wring the stupid neck of anyone who has ever done this to someone.

(Sertraline does tend to get worse before it gets better, I had awful palpitations on it for the first few days but it does level out eventually.)

You write beautifully @Pleasenotme I’m aware you don’t care about that right now, but you certainly don’t sound like you’re going mad to me.
take it one hour at a time. You are doing all of the right things. You seem to be thinking clearly and are leaning on the right people to help. We are all on your shoulder too.
Keep telling. Keep writing. One day this will all be in the past. For now, we support you and wish you weren’t going through this x

Just read your last thread OP.I'm so sorry you are going through this, you sound like such a lovely woman and you dont deserve to be treated like this by this weak fool. You've had some great advice in here, so many of us have been where you are. Just know that you will get through this eventually. Vent on here as much as you need, we're all rooting for you. X

His dad repeatedly betrayed his mum and my DH had nothing but contempt for him over that.

well there’s your answer from your other thread which I’ve just read. You have to be the reason he’s done this otherwise his whole sense of self will implode.

it isn’t the affair that’s the issue, nor the leaving - anyone can leave a relationship for any reason at any time, people say on mumsnet.

its the pain of…
losing someone you loved and having to grieve them
and, more to the point, having someone you trusted turn round and be someone you can’t.

that is so devastating. When you believe someone is loyal and suddenly they’re treating you like crap and saying vicious things…you can’t figure out if you were wrong to trust them in the first place or if something alien has taken them over. It’s a bit of both really. And it’s so confusing to realise you can’t ever really trust anyone.

But the thing is that that doesn’t mean you can’t have great times with great people and love and all the rest of it. and you will again. But it is devestating. Especially when you’d walk over hot coals for someone.

but the human mind is fragile. He got a wandering eye and couldn’t bare that he was going against his values so his personality had to split - fracture to protect himself. It is cruel and horrible but it’s not really anything other than a simple self protection method. He’ll likely come to his senses eventually, unfortunately he’ll have done so much damage with the cruel behaviour and words he chucks his way that you’ll never be able to see him the same way.

it’s happened to me in several relationships - partners and family. It’s ALWAYS the people you’re the absolute most loyal to who do this.

i don’t know what my point is really, I guess I have an unfortunate amount of experience in this area and have done a lot of the leg work understanding it. It doesn’t offer much closure. which is the worst part.

But you have beautiful children and clearly some good friendships. You can make more lovely relationships and enjoy life. Just gonna feel like shit before you’re ready to stand up and brush yourself off.

definitely don’t turn it on yourself though. It’s futile. And does nothing. In the end people will justify their behaviour through any means necessary - also expect at least one of your kids to start being less than understanding to you. He’ll be in their ear and, again, people are flawed so they’ll buy into it. He’ll say you’re trying to come between them, and that there were things you did they wouldn’t know about because they were just kids. And he’ll plant that little worm. So bear in mind your end goal - keep the kids on side and have a good life. Don’t let him fuck that for you by playing into his “she’s crazy” thing.

sorry this has happened to you. Wishing you the best.

Such an insightful post.
I hope Devonshiregal‘s
words speak to you, as they did to me.

You are too sensible and intelligent not to be able to negotiate yourself, successfully through the minefield you find yourself in, eventually.

You will emerge whole, though damaged and changed a little but essentially yourself.

You need time to muster your strength and to find your equilibrium again.

And in your lowest moments hold on to the universal command.
”don’t panic Mr Mainwearing!”

ps
I hope the Dad’s Army reference doesn’t offend you. It always makes me smile- a bit of light relief in times of true blackness.

I also read your last thread and I am so sorry that this sudden boulder of a weight has dropped on you! You are clearly an intelligent and loyal woman and such nonsense wasn't deserved. I wish you all the best and know that this forum is 100% behind you. 🌻Things will get better in time.

Thanks for making another thread, and please keep talking to us, as other posters said, we are rooting for you x

It's horrendous feeling like this. I'm 30 plus years on never been happier, but in my darkest hours can recall how it felt. Keep posting venting on here. We, re all rooting for you.