Do they ever come back? Devastated. Following on. Endless winter.

[Pleasenotme]

Do they ever come back? Devastated.
1000 replies

Pleasenotme · 17/09/2024 16:25
Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.
I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.
I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

Hi OP I’m almost a year on from where you are. I understand it’s like trying to run through water. Every thought is consumed by it. There are so many levels of grief to it. You have lost sense of self and are filled with fear.

Keep posting on here. This places has helped me so much.

My ex was the same he didn’t want to speak to me at all. The icy front is there way of not wanting to feel emotions. They have to see you in a bad light to feel okay with themselves about what they are doing.

You think you want him back but what I found is you don’t want to feel this way.
If he came back OP you would have a sense of relief for a month max before you would be riddled with insecurity and wonder who the hell this man you thought you knew was.

A saying I’ve liked recently your old life has to die to start a new one.

It will feel like a death you will break down daily, then maybe every other day. Then you’ll reach out weekly then crack once a month til you get to the point and with enough time that you slowly get better and to a place you can see clearly, that this is not what you need. He is not a good man OP.

Write a list now of all the fucked up things he’s done to you. Front and back of a piece of paper. Every time you get euphoric recall, read that paper switch the images of happy memories with more recent ones where he has acted unloving and without remorse.

This has helped me. You have to break down the image you have in your head of this man. To see who he really is. You do not need someone that makes you question if you want to be alive anymore. That’s not love.

I am so sorry you are going through this my inbox is open if you need a friend. I understand the loss I still wouldn’t say I’m 100 percent but the break downs are less and I have happiness and hope the past few months.

Just remember not one person on here has felt like this years down the line. You see any thread about this stuff there’s one about divorce at the moment and some will say it started out feeling like this then say 2 years on they say there life is the best it’s ever been. It will take time but this is not permanent OP.

I’d also agree if he wasn’t cold, the pain would be rhe same, but different, it would be why is he being nice, is he coming back , maybe he doesn’t mean it, it would be the same pain, maybe worse as you’d pretend there was hope.

id also agree with the posters who said don’t see him alone again. No one ever came back as their ex begged. You know this. No one ever came back due to begging. So make yourself scarce if he comes round again, or have someone there. And prepare to put on your game face.

Yeah the above is true. No one comes back because you begged. If they cared how you felt that would have been enough reason to not have done what they’ve done in the first place.

All you do is make it more comfortable for them as they know if it goes wrong they have the comfort of knowing you would take them back.

If he did come back OP it wouldn’t be what you think it would. It wouldn’t be because he loves you it will have been because it wasn’t as green as he thought it would be and you’ll do for now mentality. You are not an option.

Look up the pick me dance. You will loose yourself even more this way.

I remember the pain and whilst I was on the floor crying myself into oblivion he was going on fun dates and would rub it in my face.

In my case within a year the OW doesn’t trust him and reached out to me on holiday. It’s already falling apart but do I want a man back who can walk out on his family and made me genuinely feel like I wasn’t good enough as a person. Noo love is someone cherishing you.

Box sets on the sofa. Meet with friends. Try things you have always wanted. Book a holiday. Anything but beg him. Someone told me imagine you text them and he’s there with the OW reading it. Ugh no but the sad reality.

The last time I had a relationship break up we would keep getting back together. We were on a break when my mum died but I rang him, he came straight over and looked after me. The next day be said he had to get back feed his cat and then he didn't come back and I tried to contact him to no avail. Eventually I drove over to his house and there was another woman with him. It was a moment of clarity. I was devastated, was afraid to go out in case I broke down in tears. One occasion was particularly bad because a supermarket was playing a song with the words 'did you ever love me at all' when I was queuing at the checkout. But I got through it by listening to music that was inspiring (for example Survivor by Destiny's Child). You need to accept that your marriage is over, because as others have said,, even if he comes back you will never trust him again. You are grieving for the marriage you thought had, rather than the one you actually had, and you will never get that back. It's fine to allow yourself to grieve because it's like a bereavement. But try to remember the negative side, and tell yourself you're going to be better off with him, because you are. He has betrayed you in the worst possible way.

I’m so sorry, this is so hard. Lots of good words of wisdom on here. It does and will get better but it’s hard to see now. Is there some way you can get away and break the cycle for a while? A friend who lives abroad or far enough away?

So many hugs for you from this thread!

Getting through things now is survival. It is a terrible time - but hang on to the impossible knowledge that this isn't it forever and you will be happy again. Go forward in tiny steps and take each one as a move out of winter.

When you want him back - I guess you are wanting the man you thought he was (the one he seemed to be) rather than the ice-cold cheater he turned out. No wishing or pleading can make him into the man you imagined.

Lastly - don't ever let this turn back on you. It is not your fault.

Op, Please get some counselling as soon as you can. Nobody can make him come back, but they can give you the emotional tools to deal with all of this and process everything and talk about everything. It helped me so much.

you are still in the very early days of all this and your response to him was completly understandable. It is so hard to remain detached.

Be kind to yourself. I think I lost 3 stone in a matter of weeks after XH left, as all I could eat was half a sandwich or banana a day and I just drank loads of water. I was running on adrenalin and didn't settle until I went on anti depressants (they aren't right for everyone but helped me to become "normal" again).

You are going through the cycle of grief, and just have to go through the stages, hard as it is.

Keep talking to us on here, and try the Samaritans again, that is what they are there for.

Under no circumstances berate yourself for your behaviour yesterday. It is completely understandable.

You WILL survive. Loads of us are testimony to that xxx

@Pleasenotme I just had to drop in to comment - your post about breaking down when he came back was heartbreaking - he's an absolute shit.
My XH left me out of the blue 3 years ago, no OW, but totally blew up (what I thought was) a wonderful life together.
It has taken me 2.5 years to feel angry at him..... Prior to that I would defend him, and beg friends not to take sides...

Anyway, plenty of mnetters who have given you much better advice than me...
I just wanted you to know, that my life is infinitely better now than it was married to dickhead- so keep going xx

(Ps, setraline was -& is- an absolute life saver for me..... Get through the first 3 or 4 weeks, and hopefully it'll even out your moods)

Thinking of you

Thank you all, I'm a wreck today but please know that I am reading and taking it all in. I am so grateful to you all for taking the time and care to write. The comments about no one ever came back as a response to begging were salutary and food for thought. I felt more foolish than ever after reading them, but I needed to hear it. I'm going to read the book Why Women Talk & Men Walk which a couple of you have recommended. @anon12345anon I'm definitely in the defend stage with friends and family, so thank you for sharing that this isn't unique to me. I'm still taking the Sertraline but the heart palpitations haven't subsided: I do have a face to face (hallelujah) follow up with my GP on Friday so I shall see what he says about it all.

My brother came over today to check the outside drains weren't blocked as the rain here has been relentless. He had a cup of tea with me afterwards but was doing his strong and silent act; he has always loved my H like a brother so is finding this very hard. He is also used to his sister being a capable, organised, 'Home Front' sort of woman so my crumbling in such a complete fashion is something I think he is struggling with. He has gone out to the supermarket for me this evening as I can't face another Tesco-Gate. Not at the moment anyway.

I spoke to youngest DD today, she just sobbed as I did. And told me that her DF had always told her that he would never do to her and our other DC, which was to leave me and them, which she had experienced with so many of her friends over the years. I told her that he hasn't left HER, he has left me - he loves her as much as ever. But she was unconvinced and so angry. She said she wants to punch OW in the face; I suggested that that would do her nursing career no good at all, but I sympathised with her feelings of rage and impotence.

I keep meaning to say but then forgetting, he didn't really express anything very much about me cancelling the estate agent, apart from commenting that there was a limit to the amount of time I could stand in his way. He said this coldly, matter of factually. I really am a buzzing mosquito or fly in his life now.

I'm wrestling over whether to speak to OW's DH or not. I think I will and then something stops me. I sense she, OW, would go absolutely off the scale in terms of her revenge if I did as she has a fine opinion of herself and I surmise that nothing should be permitted to chip that glacial perfection. I suspect she sees me as a little person, someone of no consequence in her grand design, a shorter, ample (although shrinkage is occurring courtesy of the D Diet), MUCH older, rather unattractive has-been who has 'ruined' my H's life. The comment from a PP about imagining HER reading a message from me to my H over his shoulder made me feel that I would throw up because with any vestige of his loyalty to me gone, of course he would let her see it.

I'm due a catch up with my boss later. I'm going to try and focus on a smallish work project as my current insanity and grief is all so embracing that unless I have some kind of distraction, I am just going to sink further. I'm in deep waters mentally. As for the holiday or break that was suggested, at the moment I can't imagine being far from home as if I am and he comes back, I may not be here. And I want him to be here, so badly, and me to be here too.

..............apart from commenting that there was a limit to the amount of time I could stand in his way.

What he means is that he doesn't want you to get in the way of his plans.
Saying that there's a limit, time-wise, is just a cruel way of him trying to control the narrative.
He doesn't want to delay his new life, and you're in the way now.

Stick to your guns, OP.
Go at your own pace.
Don't let him bully you.

He said this coldly, matter of factly.

I'm so sorry. This isn't the man you married, is it.
It's very distressing.
No wonder you're so devastated.

He's several steps ahead of you now, with the OW calling the shots. He's having to go back to her and tell her that you've cancelled the estate agent. She won't be happy about that. So he's taking it out on you.

I'm glad you've got an appointment with your doctor.

Oh my dear. I’m so sorry. That is humiliating. I have a burning recollection from 1982 of lying in the snow begging my beloved not to leave me. But he did and it was awful for 6 months, until the baby was born and then I had to crack on with life.. And I used that snow feeling as a prompt to never again lose my dignity for him or any man, and I never have. That was my rock bottom.
He may well have gone back to her and told her that you cried. And they may have agreed that you are very manipulative and he had a lucky escape. And he will be secretly thrilled to have 2 women desperate to be with him. You have clearly worshipped this man for years, and now he thinks he is God. It’s all bollocks. Please don’t give him the satisfaction of that response. If you can’t trust yourself to never again contact him, and to deal with any contact he initiates with icy politeness, then ask your friends and family to help. Set up a cordon sanitaire around yourself and only deal with him through an intermediary. Go back to your GP and tell them how much you are struggling. Is there anyone who could come and stay with you for a while? Maybe your children?
I hope this doesn’t sound harsh. Your post this morning had a rock bottom feel to it, and the only way from there is up. You sound like a wonderful woman. Wrap your dignity and self respect around yourself like the cloak and crown of a warrior queen, and look forwards.
I promise you that at some point you will know that if he asked to come back, you would hesitate between laughing in his face and letting him down gently because he is so pathetic. Mine did ask, I laughed, but I’m not as nice as you.

I'm so so sorry OP, about what you are going through and your terrible distress.

Others have given you wise advice, I just wanted to let you know that I am reading and wishing you well, though I'm sure at the moment you feel as if nothing will ever be well again.

FWIW, Sertraline saved my son's life - I'm sure of it. It can't bring your husband back or lessen his treachery but perhaps it will enable you to navigate these initial dreadful days. I sincerely hope so.

...........at the moment I can't imagine being far from home as if I am and he comes back, I may not be here

Don't worry about that. Seriously, it doesn't matter if you're there or not.

It might be better if you weren't there, actually. Show him that he's not as important and sought after as he imagines.

I'm so sorry for your distress op, you and your family don't deserve this 💐

oh op, i really feel for you. if he did come back tho, what then? really think about that. hes no longer the man you married.

There is a tiny glimmer of something different in your last post OP. It's not quite anger - but when you wrote about OW there i sensed a little something.

Keep on hour to hour. Yes to looking at a work project. Even for a few mins a day.

We're all here for you in spirit

I'm wrestling over whether to speak to OW's DH or not. I think I will and then something stops me. I sense she, OW, would go absolutely off the scale in terms of her revenge if I did as she has a fine opinion of herself and I surmise that nothing should be permitted to chip that glacial perfection.

She has already chipped her own glacial perfection by being a lying, cheating bitch. She will be too busy trying to clean up her own mess to take revenge on you, and if she tries she will just show people more of her disgusting hidden personality. I am feeling the anger on your behalf I think.

Think of it this way, her DH deserves to know the truth as much as you know it. You are protecting the OW by not telling him. Do you think partly you are holding back from saying anything because that will make it more real?

Im so sorry you are finding yourself in the position that is so familiar to many of us. You sound like a lovely person in your posts and you deserve so much better.

Can we just establish that you definitely know that she is the one and he has said it?. I asked on the last thread if it was more than a hunch and your daughter seeing suspicious behaviour.

There's someone on another thread where he left for the other woman and it all imploded within weeks. That OP told her husband to jog on. I think it's entitled Blindsided or similar.

My heart goes out to you. I know what it’s like to feel so wretched and distressed as I’ve been there the pain is almost physical isnt it. It’s grief and you should recognise it as such.

Can you go and see a counsellor tomorrow? You could look up someone good in your local area? https://www.bacp.co.uk/?gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAAoLPPY-2tfC4er8U16DwA3kNro88z&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIgIn6oMnZiAMVwJNQBh3qaDSsEAAYAiAAEgIRn_D_BwE

Can you go and have an Indian head massage or some reflexology? You need something calming and soothing.
Sending a massive hugs.

As for the holiday or break that was suggested, at the moment I can't imagine being far from home as if I am and he comes back, I may not be here. And I want him to be here, so badly, and me to be here too.

You don't, @Pleasenotme. You want what you thought he was. He's not that person. He's a nasty stranger who you can't trust an inch. He's never going to be what you want. He's damaged goods now.

OP have been wondering how you are. So so sorry for what you are going through.
I know the standard advice tends to be to tell the spouse of the OW. If you were my best friend sitting in front of me, I would worry you are far too fragile to be passing that on. It’s been awful for you as it will be awful for him, but let your H and this woman get on with it. Whatever it is.
While it’s easy to say be a power woman, grey rock him etc the fact is you are still in a deep state of shock. It’s like someone has died but a weird ghost you’ve never met keeps turning up.
I agree with the PP about reading the ‘Blindsided by H’ thread that is popular right now. It is someone further down the road from you.
Grieving the loss of someone you have loved for so long, and still do, is going to take time. I think every reader can remember their own Tesco-gate. They are awful moments when you see people living everyday lives while you feel such pain.
I know this isn’t going to help much, but I agree with everyone who says you are a beautiful writer.
In times to come, your words will truly help someone else.
Any ‘man’ who can see his wife of so many years in such distress and treat her with such contempt is beyond contempt. I would be on my own forever than take in a man who was treating another human being like that.
We are all here rooting for you and will continue to do so.

This is mumsnet at its finest. Lovely messages. @Pleasenotme There's dozens of ladies (probably) on here metaphorically straightening your crown.

I agree with the PP who says you need to be sure that the OW is the woman in question if you are going to confront someone's husband (this happened to one of my closest friends: her husband had indeed left her for someone much younger, but she accused the wrong woman at first and told the wrong husband: she was half right). Your husband may well have an OW (and regardless he is behaving with no respect for you or your marriage). Hope you manage to find a moment of calm in all this.