Do they ever come back? Devastated. Following on. Endless winter.

[Pleasenotme]

Do they ever come back? Devastated.
1000 replies

Pleasenotme · 17/09/2024 16:25
Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.
I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.
I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

What a beautiful post. Realistic and hopeful all at the same time.

Hello @Pleasenotme again, it's a new day today. What have you got planned? Do something for you. A swim is a great idea, I swam through my break up(s) - it actually happened to me twice, and I begged but it only made him colder too.

So I swam and I swam. I imagined each stroke was a slap round the head to both of them. I got those endorphins that only exercise can give, they help they really do.

Weirdly I also had my drains flood and it felt like a metaphor for my life, all the shit was bubbling up and I was wading through it. It was awful. The drains got fixed and so will you.

Get a haircut, go to the hairdresser and have a new haircut. Looking great will help.

The Tesco thing really resonated with me. I remember looking at my tiny about of shopping for one, I did not know how to shop for just me. I cried as I looked at my tiny pile of shopping compared with the huge shops I'd done when there were two of us.

A counsellor or therapist should be on your list to find as soon as you can. They will give you the space to make sense of your feelings and how to manage them so that you can learn how to get your dignity back if (when) you have to face him again.

Make a plan for today. Some work is a good idea, and some exercise, even 20 minutes will help. Book a haircut. Book a therapy session. Tick off the things you've managed to do.

Keep posting here. We are not going to dump you. We will keep listening. We want you to get through this. Lean on us, and your friends (but make sure they are your friends, not joint friends who might also be hearing his side and supporting him).

Keep on keeping on (KOKO). Sending positive energy for today. You got through yesterday, you'll get through today.

How are you today OP? Totally agree with the previous poster exercise is what you need right now. It was the gym for me, every movement got out a little bit of tension. It helped me massively.

We are all routing for you here. The only way is up from now.

You need to do things that make you feel good. Whatever that may be swimming, running, haircut, nails.

Rosie Green has done a book about her break up. There is also a Paul McKenna book that helped me a lot which was how to heal a broken heart or similar title. It was about reframing your thoughts really interesting.

I agree with those who say it's time to accept he is not going to come back. Easy for me to say, as I wouldn't want him. I wouldn't want the OP to stop posting though, but to gradually change focus.

Look at it like this @Pleasenotme - imagine that you got gangrene in your leg and you had it amputated and you were in pain for a while, but then got a wonderful shiny new totally realistic fully working fantastic looking leg that enabled you to be all you were with the original but more besides. Would you want a gangrenous leg back? Well that's what your estranged fool of a husband is. A gangrenous rotting nasty piece of rubbish. Don't defend him or say how wonderful he was. He's gone rotten now and you don't need this. A bit graphic and out there but I hope you get what I mean. Do keep posting though we are here for you.

I'm interested in what ups and downs you mentioned. The marriage can't have been perfect, there must have been some subtle things you can think of. You might not do that now but in time they will come.

Hope you have a positive day.

@Pleasenotme Please persevere with the sertraline, it will make things easier to cope with. Also please try to get outdoors for a walk. It really does help.

Or some yoga at home? There are some wonderful videos on youtube to follow for yoga at home.
Play some calming Indian flute music and just lie and do some gentle stretches. Some lovely deep breathing.

How's it going today?

Op, can you explain what was said that has made you so sure he’s cheating with this woman? You kind of skipped over it but it is vital you have this correct.

i think it’s easier to believe a partner leaves for someone else. And to give hee some blame, than it is to accept he left simply as he didn’t wish to continue , and that can make us jump to conclusions. The it’s her fault. She made him do it.To have confirmation bias on anything said. Of course he may be cheating with her. He maybe cheating with someone else, he may not be cheating at all. We can maybe help , as often what was said and what is heard, especially in times of high stress, and when looking for confirmation bias. Can be very different indeed.

@Pleasenotme is he still staying at his sister's house?

I wonder where he's meeting the OW.

Do you get on with his sister? Can you ask her?

From memory without trawling back over OP's posts I think OP said she doesn't get on with husband's sister.

I think she said one of her DDs saw the husband meet up with this woman in the street.

She's mentioned that he's taken on aspects of her way of speaking and that she was overly interested in him at the start.

I think OP alluded to there being 'more to it' but hasn't been specific.

Personally I don't doubt there's another woman somewhere - but my advice to the OP would be to stay well out of it with regards to who it is/where he is/telling spouses and shaming ect ect. and to concentrate only on herself her well being her finances and her legal rights. In that order. For lots of reasons.

No one is going to come stomping to OPs door demanding to know what she knows or doesn't know or why she hasn't said x y z to a b c.

BUT - if she says something to someone and is way off the mark, or says/does things she regrets 2, 3 or 4 months down the line, she can't take it back.

I've been following your thread and agree you've been hit by the worst kind of hurt but are doing well.

I've been where you are. Twice, with the same husband. The first time, after 20 years of marriage I stupidly played the pick me game. And he came back. That was the biggest mistake of my life. I welcomed him back because we were having a very hard time with our elder son and I thought stability would be good for him. But of course he did it again, 10 years later. It was the worst time, but I knew that was it.

In some ways I feel I gave it my best shot and shouldn't regret taking him back, but honestly, it was a bad choice. First time around our children were early teens, and he offered me with a generous settlement. Second time around it was just as he was due to retire (on a gold-plated public sector pension) and he fought for every penny, to the degree that my solicitor commented on how miserly he was.

He followed the same pattern most middle-aged adulterers do. Both times he left for women that were in situations that made him look like a knight on a white charger. In reality he's weak and easily led. The only time he was strong was fighting for money.

My advice? Try not to see him or even speak to him. It goes against all your instincts, but a clean(ish) break is easier in the long run. Get his stuff out of the house so he has no excuse to come back. My OH asked for his stuff, then complained when I packed all of it and left it outside, as he only wanted enough to keep him going. Tough. He didn't get to choose.

Prioritise what you want from it all. Mine was the family home, as I still had two young adults at home and it felt safe. It stood me in good stead, providing security and doubling in value after some work (that ex-DH had considered pointless).

Try not to be drawn into any bitter "abandoned wives" clubs. There were women at work who were convinced all men were bad and wanted me to join their little group. Honestly, it's not a happy place, don't get sucked in.

When it all happened I was convinced I'd never be happy again. But my kids encouraged me to get out there after a few years and, to my huge surprise, I met the loveliest man and am now happily remarried. 2 of my 3 children haven't seen their father since he left, and regard DH as their father, and grandfather to their little ones.

Life now is very good. And it can be for you too. You have your self-respect, your children and good friends. You can get through this. The future may not look the way you expected, but it can turn out to be even better.

She also said something wa said in response to the son, which made it without doubt, however that is surprising. Cheaters are often excellent at covering their tracks,. Which is why I ask as it could be confirmation bias based on the height of emotion at the time.

i also suspect there is someone else, but is it really her. Or it maybe he’s interested in someone else, and nothing has happened.

men do leave without somewhere to go. It’s a myth that never happens, but they need to be very unhappy to do so. And often it’s they’ve bided their time till the kids are old enough, they can move on. But the op seems to think they were happy, great sex etc, so it’s an unusual situation.

i only asked as the op and her daughter are so focused on this woman, it’s important they are actually right.

I agree with above.

Best to pull the focus away from OW.

Firstly, if there is an OW - and even if he broke up with that OW tomorrow - the OP is better off without him.

Secondly, if there's no OW then OP is (barking up the wrong tree) ... and is still better off without him.

No good will come from dwelling on where he is and what he's doing with whom.

The fact is he's been appalling to poor OP and deserves a fat kick in the bollocks for it and be told to piss off out of her life. And go where ever the wind fucking blows him. And stay there. And keep quiet.

Sorry OP

OP, I agree with previous posters. Leave the OW out of it. You will just be piling hurt upon hurt for yourself.

I say this gently, as I don't want to upset you. This is the time to stop begging him to come back and refusing to leave the house. He is cold and uncaring, you are just giving him ammunition to despise you, and you will hate yourself for it in the future. Take away his power in this.

Don't be alone with him, you know now that is just a trigger for you, have a friend with you or leave the house. Why is he coming back? It is just causing you pain. If its belongings, arrange to leave them outside. Legal matters, let your solicitor deal with it.

Try not to lean to hard on your children, its heartbreaking for them also, and I think you said that your ds has delayed getting engaged due to all this? They have their own lives, they will be there to support you as will your brother, but you need to be strong for them. They need to know that you will be ok, and that they don't need to be constantly worrying about you, about what you might do.

The ad's will help. My doctor years ago told me that they won't remove all the pain, but would allow me to function until I could sort myself out.

It's good that you have a project at work, it will give you something to focus on and you really need to keep your job!

It's very early days, you are still in shock. But you will come through to the other side, even if you don't believe it now. Focus on self care, lift your head up high. He is being a monumental dick, let go of the 'old' him. He doesn't exist anymore.

I spoke to youngest DD today, she just sobbed as I did. And told me that her DF had always told her that he would never do to her and our other DC, which was to leave me and them, which she had experienced with so many of her friends over the years. I told her that he hasn't left HER, he has left me - he loves her as much as ever. But she was unconvinced and so angry. She said she wants to punch OW in the face; I suggested that that would do her nursing career no good at all, but I sympathised with her feelings of rage and impotence

its this that really concerned me op. Your adult daughter should know full well he’s not left her, so the fact she’s evolved back to being a child is surprising. But her misplaced anger is the concern. It’s clear she blames the ow, she wants to punch her, like it’s her fault. However even if they are together, it isn’t her fault. It’s his. He has chosen to end his marriage. He is not some vulnerable person without agency in his own life. He chose this. She didn’t make him. That’s not how life works.

and that’s why you both need to be very sure here, as you’ve gone down a path of blaming someone else, or partially blaming someone else. And the truth of it will become apparent very quickly, and either validate your thoughts or cause you a lot more pain.

@Pleasenotme Have been thinking of you since your last thread filled fast- and relieved to see you are still clinging on to the life raft in the storm tossed oceans of shock.

It's not surprising you have been physically sick.
You have had an emotional punch to the guts.

The exhaustion and shock must be leaving you emotionally shattered.

It's good that you felt strong enough to call Samaritans when the storm tossed seas had you in a trough of despair.

But the waves will also lift you high again, just keep clinging on.

{Remember- if you should die, it will be a gift to the OW.
Your husband will get everything as you are still married}

You probably don't want to die as such, Rather you want to stop the unbearable emotional pain.

Absolutely do not countenance selling your home.

You are far too unwell for that to even be an option.

As for telling the OW's husband- How can he not know?

But possibly he has suspicion but is in a state of denial.

You could always do it by letter- Say ''Someone saw your wife and Pleasenotme's husband together- are they having an affair?''

After all, they were spotted.

You are stronger than you think.

You have a lovely brother.

The conceit of the 'knicker dropper' is high at the moment as she thinks she's ''got the prize''.

{I don't care if some find the term 'misogynistic'- the OW has dropped her drawers for a married man and surely knows it's wrong to do that}.

Who knows if it will last ? The ardour will cool with her difficult kids being around, that's almost a certainty.

Once affairs stop being ''secret'' and become out in the open I've heard they are a lot less alluring.

It IS the OW's fault just as it's his.

Most of us have probably had married men 'coming on' to us- we just don;t take them up on their offers.

She knows he is married.

She is equally guilty.

She's not some giddy 17 yr old who has been told a lie about a man being single- she knows absolutely that he is married and has children.

I understand totally why @Pleasenotme 's daughter wants to wipe the smile off the OW's visage.

In Latin countries, OW are often attacked by wives.

The OW here is equally guilty.

Putting them both {OW and erring husband} in stocks and pelting them with rotten vegetables would likely have been a medieval punishment.

I don't find the phrase 'knicker dropper' mysoginistic either - I've seen at a couple of points in my life that there are some women who choose a 'mark', make it clear that they like them (developing in-jokes, always touching their knee for 'balance' when they get up at works dos etc), and then they play the long game until the 'mark' decides that yes, they deserve the fun of the affair that's being offered on a plate. Sounds like this is what happened here. Believe me - I am not blaming the woman alone; the men in question could always have nipped it in the bud rather than being selfish, entitled egotists.

Anyway, I'm so sorry OP - as people say, the man and marriage you loved can't be restored; you can't turn back time. Is there anything at all presently that you can find even a little joy in? If so, focus on that. One day at a time - every one is a victory.

I'm sorry you experienced similar. Why are so many men out there capable of causing so much hurt to someone they're supposed to love?

I'm another one who took him back. I've given him another 5 years of my life that he didn't deserve, when I cut have cut my losses back then and maybe been happier now. But at least I can say I tried everything to make it work.

How old were you when you remarried, @Walkingbacktohappiness ? It's really nice to hear that you're happy again now, and I'm sure it'll help the OP too.

I hope we hear from you today @Pleasenotme , even if it’s just to say nothing has changed. You are playing on my mind and I don’t even know you, I think that’s true for many of us on here. Keep talking to us. You have female solidarity here 💐

@Pleasenotme

Glad you've done a new thread. Continuing support and 'venting' is good for the soul.

As far as telling OW's DH, I believe in listening to yourself because there is generally a reason why we hesitate. I think it may be a case of your heart wanting to do something but your head telling you 'not now' in its own way. The problem is that our 'head' doesn't always tell us why we shouldn't do something. So if you're going back and forth with yourself, maybe put it on the back burner for a bit. You're still working through your own emotions, you don't want to potentially add in someone else's.

You also don't want to bring a hornet's nest down on your own head. You don't really know how or what STBX might do if you upset their little (rotten) apple cart. I know he's going to be a real shit as far a finances go, but you don't need him turning vindictive to boot.

First and foremost, think about your own self in practical terms. Sure, it would be great to bring the roof down on OW. But you don't know for sure if that will even happen, her DH may not react the way you hope he will. So why take that chance before you have secured your own financial future? There will be time enough and a right time to tell him once that's done.

@Pleasenotme When my husband left, I wanted to go into the staffroom where the OW was and take physical revenge.
I’m a nonviolent person, but she had the gall to deny to my face that she and husband were having an affair.

She was cocky and arrogant.

My Mum talked me out of doing this- and in retrospect she was right.

However, one of the pupil’s parents phoned me ( and I said he no longer lived with us-

The pupil’s parent was very empathetic.

I asked that she tell her teen child- and before long it was all around the school that Mr X was having it off with Ms Y.

You know how kids love a bit of gossip.

They got married after our divorce, but the relationship foundered in large part due to her kids. ( to be fair her kids were kind to our son).

He ( ex Husband)said many years later that it was the worst mistake of his life.

I'm here, still listening, still reading, still taking in all that is being said. Words are insufficient to describe my gratitude to you all. I apologise to those who I sense are becoming irritated by my inability to grey rock, find my dignity or my inner steel but all those things escape me at the moment. I'm doing my best and am drawing heavily on the insight so compassionately offered by so many. In my darkest hours over the last few days, that has literally been a life-saver. And yes, I'm sure he's not coming back, although I wish with every atom of my being that he would, because his new-found contempt for me is there on public display and I can do absolutely no right at all in his eyes. But human nature clings to hope when all hope is lost and I don't believe that my reactions are unusual, or absurd, or signs of weakness - they are simply instinctive.

I'm continuing with the Sertraline. I hate taking it as I don't know if the palpitations and panic attacks, and the almost constant nausea are because of it, or despite it. Hopefully my GP will be able to clarify all this on Friday.

I bitterly regret mentioning my youngest DD's reaction as I feel as if I have betrayed her. She has had significant difficulties in life, unlike her siblings, so every achievement is hard won. She did want to smack the OW in the face, not because I was egging her on or demonising the OW as despite all of this, I remain a decent and sensible woman who abhors violence, but because she had a relationship - of sorts - with her which she feels has been completely exploited and she is now, of course, second-guessing her every interaction with OW. And as for the comment about her reaction to her father's betrayal being a reversion to childhood.. as I said, I feel like I have betrayed my lovely girl if her very heartfelt and genuine emotions become something for those who do not know her to dissect in a critical way.

For those who are questioning my certainty about the woman I know to be my H's affair partner, as I said elsewhere, there is no doubt but I will not divulge how it was confirmed as it is both specific and very outing. But you are right in that she is something of an irrelevance really, a pathetic egotistical woman who has failed the sisterhood. Shame on her. Shame on him. As I've said before, I wish her karma.

I'm still not eating much and I feel very much 'separate' to myself, like I'm watching myself just going through the motions of everything. The greyness of it all is simply awful. I walked around the house this morning, looking really closely at everything, including all the work that needs doing on it as it's quite old and is (was) a work in progress, and my heart ached at the thought of the sale board going up and having to leave it. It has always been our anchor and somewhere we have all cherished. It nearly broke us to buy it all those years ago as it was really way beyond what we could afford at the time with young DC in nursery but we wanted it so badly and we've loved it so much. I can scarce comprehend the thought of walking away from it and I'm not ready to do so yet.

I have no energy for exercise, and I do understand that the one begets the other, so I should try but I have been trying to do some mindfulness stuff online. I've managed to do some proper work although my attention span is hopeless and it all feels so completely meaningless. I'm still battling the desire to resign but I know that is driven by a subliminal desire to put myself through a form of shock therapy, a perverse hope that somehow it will change the current wider status quo. It would be a Pyrrhic victory.

I have sufficient insight despite all this to know that I am now in danger of boring you all to death so I think I probably need to step away for a while. In a perfect world I would rise like a phoenix from the ashes and post in a year's time that I'm over him, I recognise him for the terrible person that he is, and that my life is so much better without him. But the reality is that my life won't be better without him as he was the love of my life. I didn't marry him as a naive child or a virgin as someone has suggested (very much not so, I had a number of serious relationships before him), but I did marry him knowing that I adored him, I would always look for him as I entered a room full of people because he was - and still is - my favourite person in the world, and that even now I'm waiting for the sound of his key in the door.

Reading this thread is really taking me back to my own break up over 10 years ago. We weren’t married & had no kids but partner left for a woman he worked with.
I wish I’d known about mumsnet then as it would have helped me to understand how he could be so cold & detached at the end. I went to stay with a friend (my choice) & I remember asking to meet him face to face as I was really struggling to process what had happened. He reluctantly consented & like the OP I was so happy to be near him. I remember I wanted to go somewhere, get a coffee or some food but he just wanted to sit on a bench. He then told me it was because he didn’t want OW to see us together & get the wrong idea! I remember just thinking wow, I’ve been totally discarded.
6 months later he got in touch & apologised for being so callous. I remember he cried & I comforted him. I also struggled to get angry & defended him to friends & family. In time I realised how manipulative he was & regretted not getting madder with him.

I'm rooting for you OP. Your DH is an idiot to let you go, you come across as a lovely, level, intelligent and honest person.

You will get through this 💐

Well you're not boring me, OP.
Post as much or as little as you like.