Do they ever come back? Devastated. Following on. Endless winter.

[Pleasenotme]

Do they ever come back? Devastated.
1000 replies

Pleasenotme · 17/09/2024 16:25
Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.
I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.
I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

I've been following this and your other thread, I have no words for what you are going through its truly heart-breaking that your DH could treat you in this way. Men can be utter bastards. Like many of the other posters have said you will get through this and be stronger for it I promise.

OP you are not boring me at all. Please stay and posts if it helps you to process this at all. But step away if you are finding it unhelpful.

I do think some posters are wanting you to find your inner strength and dignity perhaps a little soon. Those things will come in time, but for now you will still be in shock and reeling. All the best x

I have sufficient insight despite all this to know that I am now in danger of boring you all to death so I think I probably need to step away for a while. In a perfect world I would rise like a phoenix from the ashes and post in a year's time that I'm over him, I recognise him for the terrible person that he is, and that my life is so much better without him. But the reality is that my life won't be better without him as he was the love of my life. I didn't marry him as a naive child or a virgin as someone has suggested (very much not so, I had a number of serious relationships before him), but I did marry him knowing that I adored him, I would always look for him as I entered a room full of people because he was - and still is - my favourite person in the world, and that even now I'm waiting for the sound of his key in the door

you are boring no one, peiple just wish to help, but you don’t need to post, not at all, it’s all about you and what you want.

your above paragraph is heartbreaking, it’s one of the saddest things I’ve ever read, words fail me on how he could feel so very differently.

and it was me who commented on your daughter and I’m really sorry if it upset you, it wasn’t meant to upset, and I am sure she’s a wonderful woman , she sounds like it. The reality is, it’s hard on everyone when something like this happens, and the two people involved are so so far apart in terms of their feelings,

You are not boring anyone, op. I am very sorry if I have posted anything that has made you feel you have to step away from the thread. I suppose we all come with experiences that colour our judgement, and wish we could wave a wand and help you come through this as quickly and easily as possible.

You do you, and i hope you do come back and garner support when you feel able. x

You are sincerely in my thoughts @Pleasenotme and know that so many on here continue to support you. Sending all calm and tranquil vibes x

You are not boring. I think people (including me) are advising you to move on, perhaps prematurely, only because we are concerned by your allusions to self-harm. Not because you don't deserve to vent and puzzle things out at your own pace. Apologies if anything here has made you feel unheard or awkward.

@Pleasenotme You absolutely haven’t betrayed your younger Daughter.

My son was devastated by his dad leaving ( he was 4 at the time) and absolutely was damaged by it.

However when he was a young teen we were shopping in town and son nudged me and said
“There’s (name).

We said nothing, but she saw us- I looked at her with such disgust and slowly shook my head without saying a word.

She looked cowed.

The arrogance gone.

It was actually very cathartic.

We have never seen her since.

Of course your Daughter wants to put a custard pie 🥧 in the face of the woman who betrayed her family stability.

It’s normal for loyal children to think this way.

Most children have a strong sense of morality.

Please keep checking in if you feel able, OP.

So many are on your side.

Yes, I noticed this too
It’s such desperately early days in terms of Op’s discovery and shock.
It takes YEARS to process in some cases.

Your not boring at all OP. Please keep posting. Always thinking of you. Xx

I think a lot of us wish that you would just stop loving him. Its sad when you say he is your best friend when we all know he is not. I hope you find your strenth soon even though its early days.

She doesn't love him, she loves his ghost. He's just not there anymore. He's his own best friend and nobody else's. He's morphed.

The fact that you love him and he's your favourite person in the world means, no offence, that you didn't have the measure of him though. You idealised him.

He couldn't act like this if he was a great person.

In my neck of the woods, we mostly see the middle aged and elderly men with their wives of 50 etc. years.
We occasionally see the mid life cheaters/leavers (not many though).

No-one respects them. No-one thinks well of them, a man who abandons his long term, faithful, loyal wife/life partner & mother of his kids for a new model. Forces his kids to live with it too.

That's what he is ..... So he's not one of the better ones.

He's crue too. Anyone with compassion and empathy would never have said "you have no self respect" when you were in shock, devastated, and in terrible pain; blind sided by something he'd been building up for months.

And as for the fact that his affair partner is a married mother of two young kids .....smh.

He would be considered a scum bag, feckless, having a screw loose, immoral, dishonourable etc. by the vast majority of people around your age that I know. There wound be nothing but derision.

I think you've had the rose tinted glasses on for him.

Why don't you make a list of things that are negative about him. Be very honest and critical.

I still cannot imagine that a 39 year old woman, considered a young mother these days, will divorce her husband and go with a 60 year old daddy - that is beyond belief and hopefully it won't happen

tbh I equally concerned for this woman also, dear poster, sorry to say that, and her kids and her husband also

He would be considered a scum bag, feckless, having a screw loose, immoral, dishonourable etc. by the vast majority of people around your age that I know. There would be nothing but derision

While I agree with this, it's only been a week, and the OP still loves the man her husband used to be.

She's having difficulty coping with the cruel man he has become. And he is many, many steps ahead of her, so is getting angry that she isn't on the same page.

I mean, there's no reason why she would be on the same page yet. He only dropped his bombshell last week.

The OP needs time to adjust. It is clearly very hard for her just at the moment.

Please please don’t think anyone is irritated. We all know how broken you feel. I feel bad for mentioning dignity. I can only imagine your daughters disgust and sense of betrayal that this woman actually befriended her. Just awful.It reads as if you are the bestest and most loyal wife anyone could ever hope to have. I feel so strongly that he didn’t deserve you. If he was even a tenth of the man you think he is, he would have at least held his hands up and said, “Sorry, it’s my cock, you are perfect but my cock’s gone off on one, and I know what I’m chucking away and I’m sorry for the pain I’m causing, but I have to go.” Instead he put it on you, and none of us have even met you, but it’s obvious how much love and care you show for everyone. You are worth so much more than this.

He has moved on and pointless thinking he’ll come back. Get yrself to GP and get the help u need.

They'll give it a try, and the STBXH will soon get sick of the youngsters.

I'm wondering what will happen when the OW's husband finds out about this.

The OP has seen her GP and has another appointment on Friday.

I feel the pain in your words .

it happened to me too 11 years ago .

The shock of it all nearly killed me but I carried on for the sake of my beautiful children .

I couldn’t , eat or sleep spent my time exercising at home lost 3 stone .

I was numb with shock felt like grief like my soul mate had died (24 years together ) I couldn’t/wouldnt deal with speaking to a solicitor the shock felt like I had been sucker punched in the stomache . Where had my lovely kind H gone why was he treating me indifferently he was my one my only we shared everything my best friend. I was so lost . I didn’t take anti depressants I wanted to be able to look after my children . They kept me sane .

My sister was a godsend and I thank everyday for her kindness. Though , first time she gave me a bunch of orchids when he left . I hate the sight of them they remind me of death eww .

Well eventually I found my strength and decided to fight back he thought I would be a walkover and he would get his quick divorce - Hell no I fought tooth and Nail and it took 6 years before we finally divorced. Anyway , Karma did come she left him and went back to her home country and he said he had lost everything. Was I happy you bet your sweet Fanny aunt I was .

What goes around comes around

He also had to go and seek therapy for it all and is still trying to build a relationship with his 3 young adult children .

Me - I am still scarred by it all and trust issues are paramount but who knows what he future holds .

Keep your head up onwards and upwards …..

I do think it's especially cruel for the OP's husband to tell her that this is all her fault.
I know it's The Script but it's unbearable for her.

Absolutely so.

Men {and unfaithful women} can be very clever at hiding intent from their partners.

It used to be said ''We are the last to know''

Of course in retrospect, once the dust settles, one can sometimes see the signs.

Men can 'compartmentalise' much more.

I have zero feelings of pity for the OW.

She's equally to blame for making it easy and encouraging him.

{Maybe those who are showing concern for the OW have been OW themselves}

I agree. I wonder how old her current husband is? 🤔

One thing is for sure if he ends up with the OW and is stuck bringing up her young children with all that comes with that, at his age he will soon be knackered and his good looks that the OP says he has will fade fast!

"But human nature clings to hope when all hope is lost and I don't believe that my reactions are unusual, or absurd, or signs of weakness - they are simply instinctive.

I'm continuing with the Sertraline. I hate taking it as I don't know if the palpitations and panic attacks, and the almost constant nausea are because of it, or despite it. Hopefully my GP will be able to clarify all this on Friday. "

I went through exactly the same emotions @Pleasenotme .

The emotions you describe I had but I didn't take any AD's so your body is still reacting on your brains behalf.

I wrote my story earlier and in those early days I just had to "sit in the pain and grief" as they say. It was unbearable at times.
Please find a therapist to share your trauma with.
Nobody is irritated with you at all. Many of us write because we have been where you are and found ways to climb out of the deep hole we found ourselves in.

Your pain just leaps off the page to me and I feel it as I felt it too. Everybody gave me similar advice to the posts on here and I could t believe it.

My first steps were to get out of the house and walk. Just walk. In circles around d the block if necessary.
It's a step by step process

I also felt that awful pain, when my husband turned into a cruel, cold monster who literally hated me.

The love doesn't just switch itself off.