My mother never wants to help with the kidss

[Lucia212]

What can I do in this situation? or any advice anyone can give much appreciated.
My mum lives close by lives on her own very much in her routines but never wants to help with the kids. In 4 years I've never had a night off. I'm exhausted and OH aswell. We've never had a night or day to ourselves either to spend time together. We are both exhausted, juggling full time jobs and kids 24/7 literally.
My mum used to live literally 5 minutes from the kids nursery and never helped with pick ups and we'd be juggling work and racing across town to do it (as we recently moved). During moving home no help with kids then either had to do it all with them aswell. She just makes excuses, my son is still young, they don't go bed at 7, she's on her own to look after 2 kids. She's had my brother's 2 kids on her own only twice though.
Or she often says her mum never helped her out with the kids.
I don't know what the deal is. And when we go anywhere like family gatherings/parties she's just on my case (she's a worrier) calling me every minute to watch the kids or stop them going somewhere or get them something or watch them when they are fine. She could also help if she felt to intervene! I can't relax or sit or chat to anyone. I feel run ragged and she makes life worse and harder rather than easier. My children aren't feral/naughty they're just normal kids so I don't get why she's being so hard on me and not wanting to help.
Last weekend I ended up staying at hers for a 'sleepover' with the kids it was a waste of time as I had a bunch of things I could be catching up with at home and didn't get any sleep I came home worse off!! not doing that again.
She gets upset when SIL's mum is more involved than she is but she's not exactly being helpful and pushing us away if anything.

You sound very entitled. While I'm sure it would be lovely for you if she looks after your kids she doesn't have to. She clearly can't or doesn't want to manage them on her own. They are your kids and your responsibility. If you want a night off get a childminder.

It's rough (believe me, I know) but the only people who are duty-bound to help are you and the dad.

Mum friends, other family members and paid childcare saw us through.

2 things really. From what you've said you're right she hasn't been helpful, and it really looks like she's not going to be 'that grandparent' at all.

Second thing is unfortunately you cannot change it by demand. Any attempt at doing so will undoubtedly cause upset. I'm assuming you've spoken to her about needing the occasional help?

I know it's hard, but she isn't obliged to ever have the children. Is it frustrating? Definitely, but she must have her own reasons even if they may seem selfish.

Would she help in an emergency maybe, and does she see the children regularly otherwise?

my mum doesn’t help with my kids either but worse i’m a lone parent so don’t even have a partner to give me a break. there’s nothing you can do about it so not sure what you are asking other than to pay for childcare? i’ve not had a break in 7 years. i do feel jealous of people that have help from parents but nothing you can do to change it

You are the one who chose to have your kids.

Your mother does not owe you free childcare. It would be nice if she wanted to help you out, but she doesn't, and you will have to accept it. I can't make it anymore clear than that.

Not everyone wants to be Granny. Maybe she is very anxious (she sounds it) and doesn't want the responsibility.

Maybe she found parenting hard in a way you've never known and doesn't want to be in charge of kids again. Maybe something awful happened when you were kids that you don't know about.

It's sad but you'll have to meet her on her own terms.

As to time off though, have some bloody imagination! What's stopping you from booking a day off together when kids are at school/nursery? We also have friends we do babysitting swaps with, it works well. You can always pay a babysitter too, you know!

“I'm exhausted and OH aswell. We've never had a night or day to ourselves either to spend time together. We are both exhausted, juggling full time jobs and kids 24/7 literally.”

Yep. That’s what parenthood is. It’s full on.

Me and my DH had 3 and despite having parents close by, we never had expectations that they would take on any of the childcare. They were our children. Our decision to have them and our responsibility 24/7. We were similarly knackered.

It’s a bonus if relatives babysit but there should be no obligation on anyone except the people who brought them into the world.

Could she have health issues she hasn't told you about? My dc are just starting to have dc now. Fully expect and happy to help. But end of the day their choices =their exhaustion issues not mine!!

In 4 years I've never had a night off. I'm exhausted and OH aswell. We've never had a night or day to ourselves either to spend time together. We are both exhausted, juggling full time jobs and kids 24/7 literally.

Well, yeah. That's what happens when you have kids. Not quite sure what you were expecting. Countless numbers of us have survived the same thing.

It's tough not having time to rest or have a break from the kids, but that doesn't mean your DM is duty bound to step into childcare. Can you and your partner have time away separately, while the other looks after the DC? Get a babysitter and go out together?

My DM never babysat my DS and I was a single parent. She had absolutely no relationship with him and he never mourned her when she died.

You cannot make your DM want to help or have a relationship with your DC. But I know if I'm lucky enough to have DGC I would want to spend time with them.

Sorry, I am with the others here. She doesn't have to do childcare for you. They're your kids that you chose to have. She has had hers. You can have a night off, you just have to pay for a professional.

If your mum is otherwise a good woman I wouldn't let this ruin the relationship. Life is too short. We have to accept what is even if we don't understand the reasons, they're her reasons.

Myself and ex partner(dds dad) never had either grandparent look after DD at all, we would take time out separately, I would go away for the weekend with my sister and vice versa. As far as spending time together alone, only option is during school hours so booking annual leave, or baby sitters

Me & DP have 3 kids. 14, 8 & 3. My parents don’t live close by but MIL lives about 5 minute drive away & we get absolutely no help from anyone, I can count on 1 hand the amount of times we have had child free on one hand. I also have a chronic health condition which means I can spend time in and out of hospital which then means absolutely everything falls onto my partner, usually he will have to take time off work as he works too far away to be able to get any hours worth doing before he then has to collect the 2 youngest from school.

As much as you may feel entitled to help off your family, I wouldn’t expect it. In the nicest way possible, you chose to have children, they’re nobody else’s responsibility but your own & believe me when I say I totally understand how hard it is & how frustrating it can be when you think to yourself about people not bothering or offering any help. But family or not, nobody is obligated to look after your children. And I have learnt over the years to not let it bother me as in the long run it is them who miss out. Not you.

You have children you look after them they are you and your partners responsibility not your mums you chose to have them.
Sorry op but your mum dont owe you childcare.
Not every gran is going to be that gran.
Your mums parenting days are over and maybe she wants her time to her self now.
Loads of women on MN have to raise their children as a single parent no help no dads nothing.
Them mums get breaks when the kids get older not before.

Alright guys calm down, about entitled!!
And I'm sick of the don't have kids crap it's a totally fair thing to ask for some help every once in a while. I do it, babysat for my SIL.
To be clear I pay for childcare, she is there in all emergencies to be fair but I guess I'm comparing our situation to others who have people to help even 1 random night. SOME of you gave some food for thought about anxieties she is very anxious incase someone got hurt or something,you could be right there.
I just wondered why such push back, I'm not thinking oh she's the gran you should babysit it's just tricky when the kids are asking for a sleepover or day with nanny what's wrong with that?
Yes I'll book a day off never ever thought to do that thanks!
She did used to have to babysit her siblings alot when she was younger. Maybe she's sick of it.

Nothing. She doesn't want to and you can't make her.

The agency you do have here is not to come running every time she shouts you at parties etc, if you don't think it's necessary because she's too anxious.

She sounds very selfish - I don't agree that grandparents who are healthy and local should provide no childcare whatsoever for their grandchildren. I think it's a normal part of families to help each other out, raising children is the hardest job you can do and parents need support and help. If a healthy local grandparents refused to do it without good reason then I find that very selfish. I don't think they should have to offer regular childcare but the occasional pick up in an emergency, or a night of babysitting every couple of months is not a lot to ask.

However the way you describe her as a worrier and the fuss she causes when you're at a family gathering makes me think she's a bit of a liability anyway. I'm sorry OP that you have no support but I think you'll have to accept the situation for what it is. I do empathise though.

That's sad, but yes you're right I would too want to spend the time.

Some of these replies are harsh. Obviously OPs mother is not duty bound to provide free childcare, but I do think it’s hurtful to know your own mum could sit back and watch you run yourself into the ground because it’s not technically her responsibility to offer any support.

I posted on another thread yesterday about how the ‘village’ needed to raise a child seems to have largely disappeared and replaced with an ‘every man for themself’ attitude. It’s the norm in other cultures for generations of families to live together and support each other from infants to elderly. I think it’s sad to see such an isolated approach to family life.

Ultimately, you can force your DM to help. You just have to accept it for what it is and seek alternative support via babysitters etc.

She doesn't owe you anything but it would have been nice for her to offer. I get it OP- it would have been lovely for her to say- 'I'll pop round for a couple of hours and you and OH can grab a coffee together.'
But I think some grandparents don't really like their grandchildren/ or just don't want to put themselves out.
It's fine for you to feel sad about this- we always imagine the people in our lives will recognise when we are struggling and try to help, even if in some small way.

However, this also means she has absolutely no right to complain if their other grandparents see more of them- so next time she moans about SIL Mum being in contact more, you can remind her that she has no right to moan.
It also means that when she 'expects' help from you, you can remind her that you didn't 'expect' help from her.
And it will get easier, OP! My OH and I go for breakfast dates now as it's the only time we can grab together.

It is hard when you don't have hands on grandparents but the best thing to do is stop comparing your set up to those that do. I've had child free nights away with friends whilst DH looks after DC. Yes I'd love a night away with DH but we can't. We can't even really do days away as DS cannot cope with wrap around care and we need to be close by incase school ring. We still have lots of breaks away with the DC and I'm sure will appreciate the time we have as a couple more once DC are older. We have lots of child free plans for 'one day'.

You will get so many typical Mumsnet responses along the lines of ‘your choice to have kids, your mum owes you nothing, how dare you expect anyone to do anything with your precious little darlings’ etc. all kind of true, but but that absolutely does not mean that you can’t mourn not having parents who want to be active, hands on grandparents who would love to spend time with their grandchildren AND want to be there for their children as they become parents themselves.

It is really sad to have parents who have no interest in your journey to motherhood or your kids/their grandchildren. Even if it is their absolute right to be that way and you can’t ask more of them. Some grandparents manage it.

firstly sympathy because it really is a bit shit…. 💐

your mum clearly doesn’t want to be involved… it sucks and it’s sad but her choice.
You can’t do anything about it other than facilitate a relationship with the kids (if you want to )
ie we are going to X do you want to join us? Do you want to come for Sunday lunch? Etc

this however…
We've never had a night or day to ourselves either to spend time together.
is entirely on you.

and We are both exhausted, juggling full time jobs and kids 24/7 literally describes almost every young family I know

If dates are important you need to make it happen you don’t just sit about and complain on the internet and wish your mother was other than she is.

like Nike says… just do it

we have a babysitter tomorrow and are going out to cheap / free event to counteract the £60 cost of the sitter

I’m a grandparent and while it’s hard work looking after any of our 5 grandchildren (all under 5) I want to do it because I love them and, more importantly, I love our children.

Of course you’re not ‘entitled’ to help but in normal loving families people try to be there for one another.

I find some of the replies here very confusing, to be honest. Contrast it with the threads about supporting young adult children at university or not charging rent when they continue to live at home in their 20s (almost everyone says ‘why have children if you don’t want to help them?’ ) But the moment those children become parents themselves it's as though it’s out of order to expect even tiny amounts of help.

I understand why you’re disappointed OP.