My mother never wants to help with the kidss

[Lucia212]

What can I do in this situation? or any advice anyone can give much appreciated.
My mum lives close by lives on her own very much in her routines but never wants to help with the kids. In 4 years I've never had a night off. I'm exhausted and OH aswell. We've never had a night or day to ourselves either to spend time together. We are both exhausted, juggling full time jobs and kids 24/7 literally.
My mum used to live literally 5 minutes from the kids nursery and never helped with pick ups and we'd be juggling work and racing across town to do it (as we recently moved). During moving home no help with kids then either had to do it all with them aswell. She just makes excuses, my son is still young, they don't go bed at 7, she's on her own to look after 2 kids. She's had my brother's 2 kids on her own only twice though.
Or she often says her mum never helped her out with the kids.
I don't know what the deal is. And when we go anywhere like family gatherings/parties she's just on my case (she's a worrier) calling me every minute to watch the kids or stop them going somewhere or get them something or watch them when they are fine. She could also help if she felt to intervene! I can't relax or sit or chat to anyone. I feel run ragged and she makes life worse and harder rather than easier. My children aren't feral/naughty they're just normal kids so I don't get why she's being so hard on me and not wanting to help.
Last weekend I ended up staying at hers for a 'sleepover' with the kids it was a waste of time as I had a bunch of things I could be catching up with at home and didn't get any sleep I came home worse off!! not doing that again.
She gets upset when SIL's mum is more involved than she is but she's not exactly being helpful and pushing us away if anything.

I do it i baby sat for my sil well thats you not everyone wants to baby sit.
Having to babysit her siblings then raise her own kids no i wouldnt want to be doing babysitting anymore.
I agree with above posters your the parents your responsibility im afraid.

It's disappointing, but obviously she's not interested. You can't force her. I suggest you enlist a babysitter and get a break that way.

What about other family members or your DH’s family. Any options there?

OP, I've had similar with MIL
We've come to accept that she's not a GM we can rely on for help or who will ever 'dote' on my children. It's not going to change so we've had to accept it.

It's hard without support and it's fair to feel frustrated or upset that she hasn't helped you the way you'd expect.

Look after yourselves as best you can.

I don't think you can rely on your Mum for help - what about your Dad? Are you also equally annoyed he doesn't help out?

I don't get any help from either parents or in-laws - but we definitely get nights off, as we hire a babysitter or childminder. Can you do that?

Can't help with the mum thing but don't you split childcare with your partner to get a break?

We did short away breaks with our friends one away one doing childcare or wk ends etc between us & certainly evenings out, or one gets to do stuff Saturday the other Sunday etc.

Separated now so rather different situation, but still split the childcare as best we can.

Yanbu to be disappointed but it’s unreasonable to try and force your mum to spend time with your kids when she’s clearly not particularly bothered.

When your kids ask for a sleepover just say granny doesn’t like sleepovers rather than all of you sleep at her house and get no sleep. You can’t change her mind so need to work on accepting that she doesn’t want to be involved.

It sounds like her anxiety wouldn’t mean a good time anyway. Neither her nor the kids would be able to relax and you don’t want her anxiety rubbing off in the kids.

No one owes you a Christmas present, but most people get one.

No one owes you childcare either, but most grandparents help a bit.

Unfortunately you’ve got Not Granny. She’ll regret it. Your DC have lost out a bit, but they won’t bother about her. That’s as it should be.

Her loss. What a joy she is missing.

My parents helped me so much and I try to do the same for my beloved grandchildren.

I work full time in high pressure role. I still leave early to do pickups when they need me. We look after them at weekend to help l. We babysit when they go out (rare occasions).

It's a pleasure for us and helps our daughter and SIL.

OP you are not entitled.

No way in the world would I watch my kids struggle to the point of exhaustion without offering some support. It’s a natural caring thing to do.
There’s always people in these sorts of threads talking about entitlement but I don’t think it’s entitled to ask you parents to make your lives a bit easier occasionally. We dont have family support anymore (death, age and distance) but did have limited support when the kids were younger and we’ll always be grateful. I know I’ll do the same for my kids if it’s possible. I’m not talking 5 days a weeks childcare but a day or night here and there.

OP, there’s nothing you can do, but I sympathise.

I’m not sure of your age but you might be in a similar position that we are.

We are older parents and have a young DS with GP close by however they don’t do a single thing for us. They never babysit, never pick up from nursery, never help if we have illness and work issues, literally no assistance whatsoever. Any help we get is paid for.

Their reason is that they’ve already done all the GP stuff with their other GC who are now all 15+ years older than our DS and don’t want to go through it all again.

They did huge amounts for other GC. The majority of school pick ups, had them overnight once a week, took them on holiday, provided free childcare so no need for nursery etc. We’ve never had an hour of help.

I don’t let it bother me but it does mean that my DS doesn’t really have much of a relationship with them as they don’t see him very often.

All those who shriek ‘entitled’ may have forgotten humans only survive because of mutual help.

Animals also help each other. It’s called life. It’s that basic.

I know this feeling.

My mum lives 10 mins away doesn't help, doesn't offer to have them, barely sees my 4 children.

My dad? Pah my kids said to me once I thought your dad wasn't here anymore as we haven't ever seen him!!! 😬

I don't have a partner I'm a lone parent soo I get why this gets your goat. When my children have children I will want to be part of my grand children's life's and I'll never understand why my parents have never been too bothered/non existent.

I admit I get envious of other family members parents/ friends and the support they get from their own parents. It just baffles me as to why my parents aren't like this.... 🤷🏼‍♀️

People can be so harsh. I have a friend whose parents/ in-laws etc. are always wanting to look after the kids. Often for a week or two at a time. They are the happiest couple I know.
Like you, I have little support and it's really hard but my kids are both getting older now and we are hoping that with a bit of planning we can get them both on a sleepover with a friend so we can get a night off. Hang in there. It's not forever (it just feels like it) xx

I feel for you OP, in a similar situation myself. It's infuriating as my DM had so much help from my DGM it was unreal. My DGM was basically my second mother. But my delusional DM likes to rewrite history about this-probably as she knows it looks bad compared to how little she does. Do you have anyone else who could help?

Or she often says her mum never helped her out with the kids

And in one sentence you have your answer. Not right or wrong, just lived experience.

I get your frustration, it's hard. But you can't force her to do it so it's best just to have no expectations. I grew up going to my grandparents every weekend so my mum could have some 'down time'. She doesn't help at all with my dc and my marriage is suffering because we never get a break or a chance to be husband and wife instead of mum and dad.

I hope that if I'm able I would always help my dc out when they have their own kids because I wouldn't want to see them suffer. But not everyone is like that and comparing your situation to people who have loads of family help is pointless and will only lead to misery and resentment.

This is your deal, so you have to deal with it. I do sympathise though.

You have to try to accept people as they are and be grateful for what they do bring to your life. We had our kids quite late so GPs were older / dead. My parents lived two hours drive away. They had our eldest overnight once when we went to a wedding. My mil moved to live close by. She did look after the eldest while I was at work for a while, and babysat as she got older but decided she couldn't manage two when the youngest came along.

My sil and my brother (both single, both child free) lived nearby and neither would look after our kids, though we have good relationships with both. My brother would come on outings with us but only looked after one of ours for a couple of hours once. He did take the eldest out to shows when she was an older teen though.

So basically we did all the caring ourselves, paying a babysitter only if it was a special occasion, and only one the youngest knew well as they didn't like strangers. Other than that, occasionally I had to ask a friend of mine or parent of one of their friends for a favour when I simply had no choice.

It was intense but we managed and maintained separate social lives so each of us could get a break sometimes.

Truth is no one owes you anything. Plenty of people are in similar positions. There's no point envying those who are not.

You're not entitled. You're normal. Most families, the grandparents adore their grandchildren and want to look after them.

My mother obsessed over my first born for a while. And now acts like child two and three aren't even her grandchildren.

She's never had DC2 or 3. Ever. For even an afternoon. I haven't had a day off (unless paid for) or night off (ever) in almost 5yrs. And it's shit. It's not about entitlement. It's about seeing all the "nans" I work with proudly showing pictures of their grandchildren who they can't wait to have a sleepover over with because they haven't seen them for 3 days since the last one...and wishing my children had that. It's about needing just one nights sleep to try and get out of survival mode, whilst my other "mum" colleagues grin that they're away for the weekend because granny's having the kids yet again. It's about paying £30k for childcare when my friends have that in their bank because the grandparents provided childcare.

It's not the norm to have absolutely no support from your parents. And it's not entitled to feel sad and acknowledge how exhausting it is if you are one of the unlucky few who is stuck with that dynamic. It is life-changing to have that support.

Absolutely this.

MN is about the only place where anyone who admits they'd love some help is immediately cast as entitled.

I don't expect anything from anyone. But once in a while it would be nice if family could see that I'm struggling and offer to help me. Offer to bond with their grandchildren. Isn't that what families do? It's so weird to think that wanting that makes you entitled or wrong.

It is stressful looking after small kids, especially more than one, so I understand why older people don't want to do it!

However, I did see an interesting moment when my mother's friend was saying they were taking their 3 grandkids for a week and my mother said, But won't that be stressful for you? The friend said, Yes but they desperately need the break. I noticed that it was almost like something clicked for my mother: that you sometimes take the grandkids, not because it's enjoyable for you but to relieve the stress on the parents.

I'm hoping, if I have grandkids, I'll remember how tired we are now with 2 toddlers and no family nearby and I'll be able to help where I can in a way that works for me and my kids.

Yes. Thank you

It takes a village to raise a child. Families are so isolated nowadays there’s no wonder people have mental health problems and divorce is so common. We rarely get a break too OP and to be perfectly honest, I will remember this when the GPs are old and infirm, they’ll receive as much help as I got from them. Zilch. I adore DS and can’t imagine ignoring the existence of his children (if he chooses to have them).

Why not just develop relationships with a couple of hired babysitters?

I truly do not understand the "family or nothing" approach to getting childcare.

No one is obliged to be a hands-on grandparent. Middle-aged women have the right to be done with caregiving if they choose.

She's had her children, if she wants her own life now she's entitled to it.