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Original poster

My mother never wants to help with the kidss

281 replies

Lucia212 · 18/09/2024 20:51

What can I do in this situation? or any advice anyone can give much appreciated.
My mum lives close by lives on her own very much in her routines but never wants to help with the kids. In 4 years I've never had a night off. I'm exhausted and OH aswell. We've never had a night or day to ourselves either to spend time together. We are both exhausted, juggling full time jobs and kids 24/7 literally.
My mum used to live literally 5 minutes from the kids nursery and never helped with pick ups and we'd be juggling work and racing across town to do it (as we recently moved). During moving home no help with kids then either had to do it all with them aswell. She just makes excuses, my son is still young, they don't go bed at 7, she's on her own to look after 2 kids. She's had my brother's 2 kids on her own only twice though.
Or she often says her mum never helped her out with the kids.
I don't know what the deal is. And when we go anywhere like family gatherings/parties she's just on my case (she's a worrier) calling me every minute to watch the kids or stop them going somewhere or get them something or watch them when they are fine. She could also help if she felt to intervene! I can't relax or sit or chat to anyone. I feel run ragged and she makes life worse and harder rather than easier. My children aren't feral/naughty they're just normal kids so I don't get why she's being so hard on me and not wanting to help.
Last weekend I ended up staying at hers for a 'sleepover' with the kids it was a waste of time as I had a bunch of things I could be catching up with at home and didn't get any sleep I came home worse off!! not doing that again.
She gets upset when SIL's mum is more involved than she is but she's not exactly being helpful and pushing us away if anything.

OP posts:
SwanSong1 · 19/09/2024 07:05

Lucia212 · 18/09/2024 20:51

What can I do in this situation? or any advice anyone can give much appreciated.
My mum lives close by lives on her own very much in her routines but never wants to help with the kids. In 4 years I've never had a night off. I'm exhausted and OH aswell. We've never had a night or day to ourselves either to spend time together. We are both exhausted, juggling full time jobs and kids 24/7 literally.
My mum used to live literally 5 minutes from the kids nursery and never helped with pick ups and we'd be juggling work and racing across town to do it (as we recently moved). During moving home no help with kids then either had to do it all with them aswell. She just makes excuses, my son is still young, they don't go bed at 7, she's on her own to look after 2 kids. She's had my brother's 2 kids on her own only twice though.
Or she often says her mum never helped her out with the kids.
I don't know what the deal is. And when we go anywhere like family gatherings/parties she's just on my case (she's a worrier) calling me every minute to watch the kids or stop them going somewhere or get them something or watch them when they are fine. She could also help if she felt to intervene! I can't relax or sit or chat to anyone. I feel run ragged and she makes life worse and harder rather than easier. My children aren't feral/naughty they're just normal kids so I don't get why she's being so hard on me and not wanting to help.
Last weekend I ended up staying at hers for a 'sleepover' with the kids it was a waste of time as I had a bunch of things I could be catching up with at home and didn't get any sleep I came home worse off!! not doing that again.
She gets upset when SIL's mum is more involved than she is but she's not exactly being helpful and pushing us away if anything.

They are your kids not your mothers.

DutchCowgirl · 19/09/2024 07:08

how old are the kids? And how old is your mum? If she is anxious to look after young kids she might change her mind as they get older. Maybe she’s afraid of doing things wrong.
My mil wasn’t interested to look after my kids until they were 6/7.

SwanSong1 · 19/09/2024 07:09

Lucia212 · 18/09/2024 21:20

Alright guys calm down, about entitled!!
And I'm sick of the don't have kids crap it's a totally fair thing to ask for some help every once in a while. I do it, babysat for my SIL.
To be clear I pay for childcare, she is there in all emergencies to be fair but I guess I'm comparing our situation to others who have people to help even 1 random night. SOME of you gave some food for thought about anxieties she is very anxious incase someone got hurt or something,you could be right there.
I just wondered why such push back, I'm not thinking oh she's the gran you should babysit it's just tricky when the kids are asking for a sleepover or day with nanny what's wrong with that?
Yes I'll book a day off never ever thought to do that thanks!
She did used to have to babysit her siblings alot when she was younger. Maybe she's sick of it.

You are very entitled arnt you.

gotmychristmasmiracle · 19/09/2024 07:10

Same here, not help from either PIL, mother has always said she will never look after my children. But now she has a new partner and helps him look after his grandchild. Honestly it hurts but busy to really think about it.

Galliano · 19/09/2024 07:15

You asked what can you do or any advice so not sure anecdotes and opinions will really help.
You mention nursery in an inconvenient location and dashing across town. If this is still the case could you change your childcare so that it is more convenient and makes your day less fraught.
Your mum sounds very anxious and makes ‘excuses’ not to have your DC. I would accept these as reasons that are legitimate to her and see if you can find a common ground which is not outside her comfort zone. She worries about what time your DC will go to bed. Could she babysit if they are already both in bed so you could have a bit of time to go out on an evening.
For her commentary at family gatherings I’d at least try having a conversation outside the moment where you explain how it makes you feel. Confirm you’re happy for her to actively help whenever she thinks DC needs some intervention you haven’t spotted but that you don’t want a mundane running commentary. If you do it in a gentle positive way maybe you can then just lightheartedly remind her of the discussion if she still starts up.

Reugny · 19/09/2024 07:22

The advice I can give to you is cultivate your relationships with siblings, other relatives, neighbours and friends who like children.

Mine and my siblings own parents when they were alive made it very clear they weren't looking after any grandchildren except in an emergency. And they stuck to it. Yet at the same time they would look after their children's younger half-siblings.

They are now all dead.

However due to their behaviour I actually have other members of my family who will willingly look after and take my DD out. This is because I either babysat and took them out themselves. Or enough of their older teen/young adult aunts, uncles and cousins did so they want to do the same.

My own older siblings, their parents who live nearby, would look after my DD but she is a handful so unless it's an emergency I wouldn't inflict her on them especially as some of them now have disabilities.

We also have adult friends who don't have children or whose children have grown up who look after DD.

Then we have friends with their own children DD plays with and neighbours who help out.

Tdcp · 19/09/2024 07:22

I haven't had a night off in 11 years. Some of us don't have that type of parent that wants to help out (or be in their lives at all..) it sucks and its hard but there's not a lot you can do about it really.

RoachFish · 19/09/2024 07:24

I'm curious to know why all the onus of babysitting is just on your mum? Why aren't any other family members (PILs, BILs, SILs, your dad/siblings) expected to do any childcare if she is?

Fizbosshoes · 19/09/2024 07:25

I know the official MN line is that it's your choice to have children (and of course it is) and "comparison is the thief of joy" ...but I get you OP it does feel tough in a variety of ways when you feel like you're doing stuff alone and others seem to have an easier time and lots of help.

(Worse is when the ones with lots of active GP help, minimise it or take it for granted!)

It's not just about giving you a break but also the child -grandparent relationship. I feel envious of that for my DC if that makes sense.

My own mum wanted to be involved and offered childcare but she was very unwell when DC were little so sometimes limited in what help she could offer, and died when the youngest was 1. My dad never really had the same approach.
PIL came over to "help" when DC 2 was newborn. I was really sleep deprived and struggling with a toddler and newborn, the most helpful thing they could think to do was prune the apple tree. I could have cried, in fact I probably did! 🤣 They already had 6 gc when my first was born and said the novelty had worn off.

Fluufer · 19/09/2024 07:30

Seriously though OP, invest some time into finding people who do want to babysit. Whether that be paid, or trading with friends (or your brother?). We've been doing both since last year, and it does make the world of difference. Don't put all your eggs in one disinterested basket.

Meadowfinch · 19/09/2024 07:32

TemuSpecialBuy · 19/09/2024 04:57

😅😅😅😅

And who is looking after your child the other 15.25 nights?

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Over the years, PGL or school trips. My dsis while I was in hospital. Week between Xmas and new year with his dad.

I've never expected anyone else to do it for me. He's my child.

Catlover1705 · 19/09/2024 07:38

I disagree with these replies. I think if you're a fit and healthy grandparent and you love your child you would want to help, even if it's limited. Also, why wouldn't you want to spend time with your grandchildren.

Reugny · 19/09/2024 07:42

@RoachFish On MN only older women who are grandmothers are expected to care for kids in the family when their parents need help.

RollerRunner · 19/09/2024 07:42

My kids are adults now and my Mum (and my Dad) didn't help out with childcare except for very short periods. I had four kids close together so was quite a few to look after.
I didn't mind, they would have helped if I needed them to but otherwise I hired babysitters. What my Mum did was to spend time with them while I was there - she really enjoyed them and they really enjoyed her company. It was so much more valuable than her babysitting them.
My kids are adults now and are very close to my Mum.
Looking after little kids is hard work so I can understand not wanting to.

BTW do you or your husband help out your mum in any way? Gardening or DIY? Or something?

I don't think I will want to babysit any grandkids but I'll see what happens. Maybe I won't mind.

LePetitMaman · 19/09/2024 07:43

cherrylips · 19/09/2024 02:23

I don’t think you’re entitled either.

My parents had a lot of help from both my grandmothers but particularly my maternal grandmother.

This included 3 week holidays away with my dad, copious weekends away, babysitting in the evening and picking us up from school.

As time went on and we got older she found this quite taxing and was quite irritable towards me & my brother. This was actually okay as my mother was harsh and my father distant.

She obviously did this out of love for my parents.

I wasn’t expecting or would have wanted this level of support from my mother when I had kids, however we received a lot less. She had my son to stay the night once during his childhood. She died when my son was 17. She never had my daughters stay unless I was with them.

when I asked for help once for a milestone birthday she said “Listen, I’m not that kind of grandma” which still upsets me to think about!

Like a PP said my children didn’t mourn the passing of my parents.

When she became ill and was a widow she asked me and the kids to move in with her as she was lonely. I could only stare blankly at her. I did provide her with support during the last 3 years of her life but I did feel resentful and didn’t enjoy it. I think because they resented having to help me on the occasions they did and like your mum she’d become very anxious.

My partners parents lived over 100 miles away. My brother received less help with his children than I did however his wife’s parents were a lot more involved.

I’m not a grandma yet however my daughter’s good friend had a baby at the age of 17, and I’ve looked after him twice overnight so her and my daughter could go out and paint the town red. The baby is 7 months old.

In my eyes it takes a village…… and I’ll always be there to help if I can.

This is what stings in my circumstances too

My own mother had her mother virtually raise me. We lived with her at one point. Nan had me (and my cousin's) every day until school age, and every day of the school holidays. We all stayed there at least one overnight a week. My nan is now 87 and offers to have my children. Of course I decline, but it's about her caring enough to see it would be a big difference to me, her family.

And yet my mother has never lifted a finger for my children. It's not entitlement to free childcare that my anger and sadness comes from. It's having this as a mother when you see what normal grandparents everywhere are doing with their grandchildren.

Reugny · 19/09/2024 07:44

Catlover1705 · 19/09/2024 07:38

I disagree with these replies. I think if you're a fit and healthy grandparent and you love your child you would want to help, even if it's limited. Also, why wouldn't you want to spend time with your grandchildren.

Some people simply don't like small children at all or don't like looking after children of any age even though they are a grandmother.

People are individuals with their own likes and preferences.

monicagellerbing · 19/09/2024 07:47

I get it OP. My DM has never had my kids overnight or for longer than 3 hours. She'll only have them on weekdays no weekends as despite not working, weekends are 'her time'. Never had an overnight break in 12 years. Resentment can set in but like others have said it's not something we can expect, only hope for.

Fluufer · 19/09/2024 07:53

Reugny · 19/09/2024 07:44

Some people simply don't like small children at all or don't like looking after children of any age even though they are a grandmother.

People are individuals with their own likes and preferences.

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Most people occasionally do things they don't particularly like to help out friends and family though don't they? I'm not a massive fan of driving to the airport, or feeding hamsters, but I've done both as favours. It's nice to be nice.

babore · 19/09/2024 07:55

Grandma here. Thought it might help to get a view from the other side.

I adore my grandchildren. I love spending time with them. But I don't offer any regular childcare. I do babysit if I'm asked and I can do it. If there's an emergency then I'm straight there to help. But I don't regularly offer sleepovers etc.

There's a few reasons for the no childcare bit. Firstly I'm still working myself. When my first gc was born I did do childcare on my days off. But as more of my adult dc had children it got a bit hard to please everyone one and there was some jealousy. So I had to stop.
Then there's the fact we are knackered! I'm no spring chicken, I have some health problems and we just get more tired these days.

I also spent my childhood having to care for my siblings. Very difficult dysfunction upbringing. And then I went straight into an awful first marriage and had my dc very young. I feel like I've spent my whole life looking after other people and I'd just like to have some time for ourselves now.

But I also know it's very hard. I didn't have any help at all with mine growing up and two of them had additional needs. So we do help when needed.

babore · 19/09/2024 08:02

RoachFish · 19/09/2024 07:24

I'm curious to know why all the onus of babysitting is just on your mum? Why aren't any other family members (PILs, BILs, SILs, your dad/siblings) expected to do any childcare if she is?

This is very true.

We went through a time in our family where I was needed but it wasn't possible for me to help. There was some harsh words said by my dc who seemed angry at me. When I asked if they'd been equally as angry at their father (we are divorced) they just looked at me like I'd grown another head and exclaimed that he works. But I also work.

Exh just gets the nice bits like trips to park or footy games. It's always me who gets asked for sleepovers, emergency help or cover for illness/work.

buttonsB4 · 19/09/2024 08:02

From what you've said OP, it sounds like your DM had a big hand in raising her siblings? And also raised you alone if your Dad is not in the picture?

Maybe she has spent the majority of her life caring for others and just doesn't have the energy or desire for it any more.

You say you get no time off, but you have a DH, so surely you can take it in turns to get nights out with friends, lie-ins, take the kids to the park so your spouse gets some quiet time at home, that sort of thing.

If your mum did bring you up alone, remember she had to do everything that you AND your DH did, so maybe she's still recovering from that 😂

Bibi12 · 19/09/2024 08:06

Do you also expect hours of free childcare from your fathers? Are you angry with them? Or are they allowed to just retire and get some rest while women are owed by their familes and obliged by their expectations?

lovelysunshine22 · 19/09/2024 08:09

I am a grandmother and i love spending time with my dgc. However i don't think it should be expected of me. I do it because i want to help and i enjoy looking after them. Some parents didn't enjoy being parents so they don't want to be involved grandparents. Some people are simply not interested and you can't force them to be. My dm is not that interested in her dgc and never really has been but i have just accepted thats the way she is! Its sad for you and your dc but she doesn't owe you babysitting or breaks!

Mylovelygreendress · 19/09/2024 08:14

OP on MN you are regarded as entitled if you expect / hope that grandparents will help with their DGC . In my world all us grandparents are happy to support our adult DC and help out where we can .
My own Mum never helped so I was determined to be different and I love being involved with my wonderful DGC. I love hearing about their day and also like to give their parents a wee break .

Spectre8 · 19/09/2024 08:14

buttonsB4 · 19/09/2024 08:02

From what you've said OP, it sounds like your DM had a big hand in raising her siblings? And also raised you alone if your Dad is not in the picture?

Maybe she has spent the majority of her life caring for others and just doesn't have the energy or desire for it any more.

You say you get no time off, but you have a DH, so surely you can take it in turns to get nights out with friends, lie-ins, take the kids to the park so your spouse gets some quiet time at home, that sort of thing.

If your mum did bring you up alone, remember she had to do everything that you AND your DH did, so maybe she's still recovering from that 😂

Came on here to say exactly this. Pretty selfish of OP to ignore the fact her mum would odnlsot out on her own childhood to raise her siblings and then raise her own children and maybe now she is just wanting to have some well deserved time for herself. But no OP wants her to spend the last part of her life yet again helping out to look after kids. So she will have spent her entire life raising kids ..poor woman.