My mother never wants to help with the kidss

[Lucia212]

What can I do in this situation? or any advice anyone can give much appreciated.
My mum lives close by lives on her own very much in her routines but never wants to help with the kids. In 4 years I've never had a night off. I'm exhausted and OH aswell. We've never had a night or day to ourselves either to spend time together. We are both exhausted, juggling full time jobs and kids 24/7 literally.
My mum used to live literally 5 minutes from the kids nursery and never helped with pick ups and we'd be juggling work and racing across town to do it (as we recently moved). During moving home no help with kids then either had to do it all with them aswell. She just makes excuses, my son is still young, they don't go bed at 7, she's on her own to look after 2 kids. She's had my brother's 2 kids on her own only twice though.
Or she often says her mum never helped her out with the kids.
I don't know what the deal is. And when we go anywhere like family gatherings/parties she's just on my case (she's a worrier) calling me every minute to watch the kids or stop them going somewhere or get them something or watch them when they are fine. She could also help if she felt to intervene! I can't relax or sit or chat to anyone. I feel run ragged and she makes life worse and harder rather than easier. My children aren't feral/naughty they're just normal kids so I don't get why she's being so hard on me and not wanting to help.
Last weekend I ended up staying at hers for a 'sleepover' with the kids it was a waste of time as I had a bunch of things I could be catching up with at home and didn't get any sleep I came home worse off!! not doing that again.
She gets upset when SIL's mum is more involved than she is but she's not exactly being helpful and pushing us away if anything.

It’s tough but I don’t believe parents should have to help with our children, we had them and our parents have done their bit with their own. They won’t be young forever.

I think providing regular or full-time childcare is a huge ask and not something I would entertain.
Its why my friends made it very clear to their children that while they would try to help in an emergency, absolutely no way would they be providing regular childcare.
Bottom like is that the first grandchild can often get it and then that family becomes the priority ahead of other grandchildren that are sidelined.
Granny becomes too exhausted to spend time with other grandchildren because of all the care the first grandchildren get.
Completely unfair and I have seen it cause huge issue's in families.

My friends now will only entertain emergency help if they are around.
They want to enjoy their retirement having worked for 4 decades.
I saw how exhausted my own SIL was who went from teaching for 40 years straight into childcare for my extremely entitled niece.
Madness.

You say grandparents, but it's mainly grandmother's, grandfathers just seem to get free credit for some reason. OP and her partners' fathers have also not done this it would seem, but there's no mention of them being selfish.

Firstly, why is this just a mothers job? Secondly, we can't even force men to look after their own kids, that needs to be sorted before handing off responsibility to other women and feeling entitled to their free labour.

Swap out mother for whomever the nearest close relationship is with (grandpa, uncle, brother, etc). It’s still true logic. No one is an island but many are exiled into “motherhood.”

Hi, as much as it’s upsetting, it’s much easier to just accept things the way they are. My Mum is the same and I’ve just come to realise that won’t change. When the kids are older they won’t be close with her and that will be her doing. My own GM (ger own mother) was incredible and her later years were filled with visits, daily call and days out by all of her GC because she was so treasured by us all. Sadly my DM won’t get that.