My mother never wants to help with the kidss

[Lucia212]

What can I do in this situation? or any advice anyone can give much appreciated.
My mum lives close by lives on her own very much in her routines but never wants to help with the kids. In 4 years I've never had a night off. I'm exhausted and OH aswell. We've never had a night or day to ourselves either to spend time together. We are both exhausted, juggling full time jobs and kids 24/7 literally.
My mum used to live literally 5 minutes from the kids nursery and never helped with pick ups and we'd be juggling work and racing across town to do it (as we recently moved). During moving home no help with kids then either had to do it all with them aswell. She just makes excuses, my son is still young, they don't go bed at 7, she's on her own to look after 2 kids. She's had my brother's 2 kids on her own only twice though.
Or she often says her mum never helped her out with the kids.
I don't know what the deal is. And when we go anywhere like family gatherings/parties she's just on my case (she's a worrier) calling me every minute to watch the kids or stop them going somewhere or get them something or watch them when they are fine. She could also help if she felt to intervene! I can't relax or sit or chat to anyone. I feel run ragged and she makes life worse and harder rather than easier. My children aren't feral/naughty they're just normal kids so I don't get why she's being so hard on me and not wanting to help.
Last weekend I ended up staying at hers for a 'sleepover' with the kids it was a waste of time as I had a bunch of things I could be catching up with at home and didn't get any sleep I came home worse off!! not doing that again.
She gets upset when SIL's mum is more involved than she is but she's not exactly being helpful and pushing us away if anything.

Some parents are shit, some parents also become shit grandparents.

The fact your family is shit and dont help puts your family at a big disadvantage.

My family doesn’t help either, but my sil family helps her and because of that help they are in a better state financially and mentally. It makes a huge difference when your parents care about you and your kids to when they don’t.

If I become a grandparent I will be helping my kids, because I love and care about them.

I think there's a huge difference between people demanding childcare on a regular basis from a gp, and hoping that the GP might want to spend time with gc and possibly help out occassionally.

If people have raised their own families then I do think it's unreasonable to expect ft or lots of hours childcare, (i know of grandparents who live away from home all week to provide ft childcare)

However visiting or babysitting once a month/every 2 months for example (depending on location - OP infers her mum is local) doesn't IMO, seem outrageously entitled, or onerous

I wonder how much time you spend with your mum and how well you know her as a person, rather than just your mum or a potential babysitter?

It doesn't sound like there's much coming back from you to her.

I get this op I really do.
Some people have easier lives than others and it has nothing to do with how hard you work etc. Some people have lots of support and loving, caring families whilst others don’t.
When dcs were small, my ex in-laws never really offered help. Sure they wanted to visit but in reality they wanted to be waitered on hand and foot. They never took my dcs out for the day ever and this was mil & fil.
Fil moaned if he wasn’t served a 5 star meal, I am not joking.
They came round on the day I came out of hospital and stayed for hours being if no use at all, just sat there whilst I wanted to relax.
No they don’t have to help but it is grating to see other parents getting help.
My advice: pay a babysitter, don’t involve your mother so much.
Her loss.

You can’t make your mum provide childcare ultimately, so all you can do is adjust your own expectations. Can your dad not help? All expectations shouldn’t only be on mums, it’s not fair.

In terms of having a night out though, why not just get a babysitter?

I don't do things because they are nice. I do things because they are kind.

I also like most people including small children but I understand that others don't. So me helping a neighbour out or even a stranger I do if I can because I don't mind doing so.

However there are people not like us and that appears to include the OP's mother.

Well if all the grandparents have died, you can't feel bad about them not helping with childcare although you can obviously be upset that they are no longer here to support you. Would you still feel the same if your DC did have living grandparents who all refused to provide any help or support?

My older siblings had that.

They turned to their siblings, cousins, neighbours and friends.

Exactly! This is what struck me as I was reading the post.

I presume there must be something to do with culture/mentality as there are many cultures where it is understood that grandparents will help with childcare and they are often heavily involved in raising their grandchildren. Obviously, there are downsides to that as well. The hardest thing is to find some sort of balance.

It’s not grandparents in most cultures, it’s grandmothers and for some unknown reason men get joint credit for it despite not being expected to do anything.

You are right. Even in their role of grandmothers women take the major burden of childcare and do the hard work. But it is not that uniform either. I come from such culture and there is a sort of division of labour/tasks when it comes to grandchildren. Grandfathers tend to do more of pick ups, taking kids to the park, for a walk and such, grandmothers do everything else though.
My dad used to pick up both of my brothers' kids from the nursery (school starts later than in the UK), but mum cooked and made sure they were fed, etc. But the differences are individual I guess. My dad was the one who took me to the park, did majority of doctor's appointments as well as parents and teachers meetings at school so their parental roles kind of translated to their roles of grandparents just not to the same extent obviously.

In my circumstances my grandfathers were both dead. My father was very distant so fell in line with the apathy towards childcare that my mother felt. My husband shared childcare with me and when I look after my daughter’s friend’s baby both my husband and son pitch in 🙂🙂

I get this OP. As a child I was always shipped off to relatives for weekends and holidays. I loved staying at my GPs. When I had my children and asked if my DM could babysit, I was really surprised by my Mother having to 'talk it over with my Dad'. They made out that I was asking the earth! I could count the hours they babysat on one hand. They never took the children anywhere, no visits even to their local park. I remember asking them to come on holiday with us thinking they would enjoy it, my mother gave a pathetic excuse that her mobile hairdresser was coming on the Saturday to give her a trim! It was so a shock but I realised she really wasn't interested.
I will say though that she reaped what she sowed. My DPs stepmother is a diamond and couldn't do enough for our kids. She has a brilliant relationship with them, organises holidays etc. My DM hates the close relationship my kids have with her and gets really po-faced when she sees us on holiday together.

All you folks saying things like; "Well I raised my kids without help and I managed to do it, so you are entitled." are being ridiculous.
I've noticed a lot of people on MN get competitive about parenting and love nothing so much as to slam other mothers for the slightest thing.
It's one thing to wish for help and entirely another to imperiously demand it.
A lot of people don't seem to know what "entitled" actually means.

True. They shouldn't be getting credit. Some of them are more involved, but most just do things like give their grandkids gifts while grandma does all the actual physical care.

This is so like my experience.

It saddens me so much, as I wonder was I shipped off all the time because she didn't really like her own child once it was there in front of her. Just had a kid because "that's what you do" with no real thought that she'd have to raise it.

Little wonder she's a non existent grandmother, eh.

It really is quite awful to think that may be it.

She's definitely reaping what she sowed there. It's not like you were asking for regular childcare. Just the odd day out and spending time with their grandchildren. Glad your stepmother is so great.

Don't feel obligated to go out of your way to help her in old age. It works both ways with these things. If she wasn't part of your "village" she shouldn't expect you to prioritise her either

Everyone has different circumstances but I must admit I never really gave it much thought until I had my DS.

We have had to do everything ourselves. We’ve not received a minutes assistance or any financial support at any point. The notion that it takes a village to raise a child is completely alien to us.

It used to annoy me a bit, not in terms of nobody else appearing to care, more because we always feel we are one incident away from a real headache.

If our DS is ill and can’t go to nursery we have a tough predicament with work. If an afternoon work meeting over runs we have nobody to pick him up. I have no idea how we’ll cope when he starts school as the holidays feel impossible to manage.

Good luck to those who have people to help them. I wish we had the same.

@Dream2762 We were in a similar position (have older teens now) and I made a point of getting to know other school parents and found a couple of people who would help me out in a fix and vice versa. Obviously they couldn't help with sick days, but we'd help with pick-ups and try to arrange for our children to go to camps together in the summer. It wasn't perfect, but it was better than nothing.

It is frustrating when you hear about another child going to stay with their grandparents in the summer and yours have never been invited.

My mum had no help from GPs when I was young, one set had died before she had children and her own relationship with her parents was quite dysfunctional as well as them having disabilities.
She didn't want that experience for me and my children, and was pleased to become a grandparent, and helped when she could.

MIL had lots of help from GPs and extended family when her DC were young and then she was very hands on with SILs kids, but she lived further away from us which made it more difficult and she told me the novelty had worn off anyway!

I don't think anyone should feel obligated to offer baby sitting or childcare when they are a grandparent though but I'd find it sad if they weren't interested in seeing them at all.

You can go out.

You have a DH.

How do you think single mums cope with actually no time off?

I'm sorry but there is a lot of unsympathetic people on here!

That is crap op…. Grandmothers should have an interest in their grandkids. They should help out where they can not all the time but occasional, as you said.
I don’t think you’re expecting too much. It’s her loss, missing out on those precious times and making memories that will last with the kids.
Try to find another way to get a break, no point holding out for her to step up.
Never mind the negative posts, I’d be maddened too if I were you.

Tell her to mind her business when you are out and she’s on your case. As she’s clearly watching them then to tell you what they’re up to.