My mother never wants to help with the kidss

[Lucia212]

What can I do in this situation? or any advice anyone can give much appreciated.
My mum lives close by lives on her own very much in her routines but never wants to help with the kids. In 4 years I've never had a night off. I'm exhausted and OH aswell. We've never had a night or day to ourselves either to spend time together. We are both exhausted, juggling full time jobs and kids 24/7 literally.
My mum used to live literally 5 minutes from the kids nursery and never helped with pick ups and we'd be juggling work and racing across town to do it (as we recently moved). During moving home no help with kids then either had to do it all with them aswell. She just makes excuses, my son is still young, they don't go bed at 7, she's on her own to look after 2 kids. She's had my brother's 2 kids on her own only twice though.
Or she often says her mum never helped her out with the kids.
I don't know what the deal is. And when we go anywhere like family gatherings/parties she's just on my case (she's a worrier) calling me every minute to watch the kids or stop them going somewhere or get them something or watch them when they are fine. She could also help if she felt to intervene! I can't relax or sit or chat to anyone. I feel run ragged and she makes life worse and harder rather than easier. My children aren't feral/naughty they're just normal kids so I don't get why she's being so hard on me and not wanting to help.
Last weekend I ended up staying at hers for a 'sleepover' with the kids it was a waste of time as I had a bunch of things I could be catching up with at home and didn't get any sleep I came home worse off!! not doing that again.
She gets upset when SIL's mum is more involved than she is but she's not exactly being helpful and pushing us away if anything.

All families are different. Similar to the earlier poster, we’ve never had any family childcare and have had to pay for everything we needed. The idea that GP would have our DS for a few hours let alone overnight is fantasy stuff and that’s despite them living locally.

In our case it’s because the other DGC are all adults now and I don’t think any of the GP expected to have another young DGC.

You learn to operate within the confines of your own personal circumstances.

On the plus side you shouldn’t feel guilty not helping her when she gets elderly and needs more help.

We don’t cut them off but everything is very much on our terms now. We see them when we want to and not through any sense of duty. Christmas for example, we do our own thing. There is no expectation that we conform to any wider family expectations.

No you can’t….but it would make me love them a little less…..it would want me to spend less time with them…..my children are an extension of me…,.if my parents couldn’t be arsed with them….I couldn’t be arsed with my parents…..I adore my 3GD ….simply because they are the children of MY children…..I see my own children in them…..I want to be with them …..to see my 88 year old mum interacts with her 3 GGDs warms my heart…..my 3 kids are all in their 30s and just adore my Mum …..visit her loads and always doing jobs for her……she spent loads of time with them when they were little….you reap what you sow I guess….. meanwhile I am sat here making bead bracelets with my 3 …..counting my blessings that I have such lovely little GC

ps….I get it if GPs are too old or ill……I completely get that…..I had my first GD at 50 …..which is pretty normal where I live ….but not everywhere I realise

We definitely won’t be helping out. Not because we want to go tit for tat with them but simply because with a young DS and both of us working we wouldn’t have the time anyway.

I’m pretty sure it won’t be a shock to any of them. Other siblings have had far more support both logistically and financially so we feel they are the ones who should step up to the plate if needed.

@Kitkat1523 In terms of reaping what you sow, I suppose my DH feels that they were great parents to him so they deserve to reap the benefits of that, even if they’re not involved GP’s.

I've had moments of resentment though!

Conversely, my Dad wasn’t a great parent but is a lovely grandparent!

@Dream2762 Were they good parents to you growing up though? That was their main responsibility so surely they deserve some credit for that.

That’s how my DH sees it anyway and he certainly won’t be leaving any future support or elder care to the siblings who’ve benefitted the most.

Both DH and I did have good upbringings but things have moved in very different directions compared with our siblings since then.

Our siblings had unlimited childcare, school pick ups, holiday help etc which allowed them to carry on with their careers with minimal disruption. They also received huge amounts of financial support that we didn’t. Think chunky house deposits, multiple new cars etc. We have received none of that.

The result is that our siblings are far closer to our DP than we are. We hold no animosity however we don’t feel it is our place to provide the support when it’s needed in part because we are not in the best position to do so as we have a young DS whereas all our siblings DC are now adults so have far fewer commitments.

Not nice if they help one out not others. Our mam never helped out. I dont need it now as she 18 but was hard for sure the juggling. Now we expected run round after her 80s. It does sting of course. You see others getting great help.

@Dream2762 Your different life choices to your siblings doesn’t negate your good upbringing though.

i appreciate what you’re saying and you certainly don’t need to take on the lion’s share if the time comes when they need support.

But opting out of everything isn’t a nice attitude either. My DH is one of four and his brother lives on a different continent. If their parents ever need support, all four of them will be involved to some extent, even if it’s mainly contributing to discussions of what’s needed and perhaps a financial contribution if, for example, they need a cleaner, paid carers, etc.

If everything’s left to the sister who as an adult has received the most support from their parents, it would be a huge burden on her.
It’s not the parents’ fault that some of their children moved far away and made different life choices.

I'm 50 next year and so are a lot of my school friends plus Uni friends. A lot of us have kids and no one will have DGC by the time they are 50. Most of them have young teenage children still. Mine are 20 and 16 so I'm not expecting DGC until I'm nearer 60 (my DD doesn't want to have kids so I'm not counting on have any DGC really). It surely makes a huge difference on how old the GP are as to how much they can/will help out & how near they live to the DGC I imagine.

Hmm I don’t buy the…they were great parents…..so they should be ….they made the descision to have children…..but no one asks to be a grand parent ( well almost no one!)…..but to look on at your children’s children and choose not to be involved?….nah it’s not great ….I wouldn’t cut them off….but I would think less of them

Well yeh….but I’m almost 60 now but still fit enough to care for GC ….. I looked after 2 of my Great nieces the others day….1 and 2 years…..and it didn’t exhaust me to the point I wouldn’t do it ….and they are not even my own GC ……and if you don’t live nearby then you can’t…..but my mum didn’t live near us for a time but always had my kids to stay in the holidays

@Kitkat1523 I can understand thinking less of them. My DH is disappointed in their grand parenting but he’s chosen not to resent or think less of them, which is his decision.

As I say, my Dad wasn’t a great parent, but is a lovely grandparent. I’ve forgiven him for his past behaviour- again, my choice.

I suppose we all have to choose how to react to other people’s behaviour.

I hear you…..but I’m old enough to have adult children….now my MIL was absent as a GP , and although local…she just never bothered with my kids

she’s dead now but my kids couldn’t have given a shiny shite about her once they got to adulthood….they never speak about her now, unless it’s to say what a shit Nan she was……on the other hand, they idolise my MUm and can’t do enough for her ….I know which way I want to be remembered……anyway, you are right….you can’t change the way people are…..but it’s food for thought, for when you become someone’s Granny

Honestly it sounds as if she would really struggle based on what you've said. She sounds anxious and overwhelmed around them and in that circumstance it's probably for the best she doesn't look after them by herself for everyone's sanity and safety.

I would cut her some slack, and try get past this and come to accept it before the resentment eats away at you. She's not physically or mentally up to it and that's okay. My mum can't have my kids alone my Dad has to be there too and they both struggle together even for a few hours (why it doesn't happen often if at all).

You mention you've babysat for SIL, perhaps she would be up for returning the favour? Cousin sleepovers? Each of you take it in turns to have a hotel stay and the other has a cousin sleepover and switch? (Probably wouldn't recommend this for under 5's)

Failing that babysitter is the only option, or take days off when they are at school/nursery and book a local spa day or something!

Kids are exhausting but I would try focus your energy on alternatives and let our mum off the hook. After all, like everyone says, she doesn't owe you childcare x

@Kitkat1523 I completely agree. If we become grandparents, DH and I plan to behave differently!

Unfortunately you cannot force her to be involved.
Hard though that is.
Some people are just not interested as they age.
Don't waste your energy on being upset.
These years will pass and you will get through them.
Those that have family help and support are very blessed indeed.
I never had it, but we got through it, by keeping life as simply as possible.
It's very difficult when both parents work full-time with no support, thats for sure.

I don’t know how you manage tbh…..but I guess you do, having no choice .
my GC are very lucky ….they don’t know who is picking them up on a day to day basis from school….there’s always me, both granddads, other granny, x 2 aunties and x 2 uncles on hand to help out and do school pick up etc ….not sure my DD and DIL realise that others don’t have this

DH and I have to do every single bit of childcare. We have nobody who could assist with nursery or school pick ups. We have done every single one between the 2 of us.

We both have very senior FT jobs but have negotiated to be mainly WFH to allow us to be flexible enough to do all the childcare. The hardest thing for us to arrange is school holidays and what to do when DS is sick.

Thankfully as we are both high earners we plan to retire early to reduce the number of years we have to juggle the childcare commitments.

If you have multiple people to help you are indeed very fortunate.

Hmm I don’t buy the…they were great parents…..so they should be ….they made the descision to have children…..

That may be true for you; but it’s not for everybody! People have accidents or contraceptive failure. As one social worker told me “Children are the unforeseen by products of casual sex for some parents!”

It’s untrue that no one else is in the hook to help raise children. It takes a village. Society needs to stop pandering to people’s selfishness. How about this, within the logic that childcare is limited to only the parents: parenting is lifelong and your mom had you and it’s still her responsibility to help you throughout life not until an arbitrary manmade age. Helping you to find balance/adjustment as a new mom is supporting you. Also it’s okay and good to acknowledge her shortcomings/trauma that prevents her from showing up whole without allowing such things to be an excuse for her disengagement.

I never had a night off or anyone look after them, I thought that was usual? Grandparents do short visits or we visit them.

Wow… I can’t imagine that.

Maybe she just doesn’t like kids? I know people who don’t like kids who are fine with their own but not others. Maybe