My mother never wants to help with the kidss

[Lucia212]

What can I do in this situation? or any advice anyone can give much appreciated.
My mum lives close by lives on her own very much in her routines but never wants to help with the kids. In 4 years I've never had a night off. I'm exhausted and OH aswell. We've never had a night or day to ourselves either to spend time together. We are both exhausted, juggling full time jobs and kids 24/7 literally.
My mum used to live literally 5 minutes from the kids nursery and never helped with pick ups and we'd be juggling work and racing across town to do it (as we recently moved). During moving home no help with kids then either had to do it all with them aswell. She just makes excuses, my son is still young, they don't go bed at 7, she's on her own to look after 2 kids. She's had my brother's 2 kids on her own only twice though.
Or she often says her mum never helped her out with the kids.
I don't know what the deal is. And when we go anywhere like family gatherings/parties she's just on my case (she's a worrier) calling me every minute to watch the kids or stop them going somewhere or get them something or watch them when they are fine. She could also help if she felt to intervene! I can't relax or sit or chat to anyone. I feel run ragged and she makes life worse and harder rather than easier. My children aren't feral/naughty they're just normal kids so I don't get why she's being so hard on me and not wanting to help.
Last weekend I ended up staying at hers for a 'sleepover' with the kids it was a waste of time as I had a bunch of things I could be catching up with at home and didn't get any sleep I came home worse off!! not doing that again.
She gets upset when SIL's mum is more involved than she is but she's not exactly being helpful and pushing us away if anything.

I’m not from the UK and when I had kids, O was shocked at how my MIL never seemed bothered about seeing my kids, let alone offered to look after them at any given point. In my culture, it’s very much assumed that grandparents are highly involved (and willingly so) in raising their grandkids. It takes a village and all that. Some of these posts make me
sad: calling someone entitled for wishing her mum would want to look after her grandchildren? What an individualistic view. Children are not just the parents’ “duty” in most cultures, They are seen as a
collective joy and responsibility.
I complete get where you’re coming from
and I am sorry that you can’t count on your Mum for help or support. Being a parent is hard but having little family support makes it even more exhausting than it’s meant to be.

Love these threads as you get loads of "your responsibility, your kids, entitled, selfish" replies.

Excluding mental or physical health, I'd say grandparents who never offer to help are the selfish and entitled variety.

As a parent I know how utterly exhausting and relentless parenting is, I'd think nothing of spending time with future grandchildren as well as helping out my daughters.

It's quite sad I think, maybe I was lucky in that my mum wanted to spend time with her grandchildren or babysit. Not all the time but she'd see them at least weekly and she'd always offer. I'd like to think I'd be the same!

All you can do is resolve to be a more involved grandparent if you ever become one.

We don't have grandparents so close by, but in-laws especially could've helped out but chose not to. It's frustrating and the result is that my older teenagers, whom they'd now like to get to know, aren't very interested in them. You reap what you sow.

I've been there OP & it's very disappointing but tbh there's nothing you can do. My mother had always been very outspoken about her distain for children so I didnt expect any involvement from her. I didn't want them ever spending time with her anyway, she was horrible!

I think this is normal in todays society, myself and a lot of friends with parents/in laws of a similar age have found that they not as involved as say our grandparents were.
My Gran would have us for sleepovers very regularly, collect us from school, take us to to our various clubs/sports etc. I’m NC with my mum but my sister still has a relationship with her and says that she is reluctant to help with her DCs despite retiring in her mid 50s.

Your Mum sounds a bit selfish and silly TBH. My Mum and Stepdad were only too happy to babysit. SAHM then, so no need for daycare .Also used NCT babysitters sometimes too .Is there a group like this near you ? You babysit then someone for you and so on.I would just tell her to give over with her "advice" about looking after them when out though .

They're your kids, your choice. You're not entitled to free childcare. Maybe you should have considered that before having them?

Older women can never win on here. Too old to be having children if you're over 40, you can't look after them, you'll be exhausted all the time working and caring for children, you'll be so old by the time they are teenagers etc BUT grandmothers who are still working themselves are expected to provide childcare because they should be giving the much younger mothers a break, they should want to look after toddlers and preschool children and have them overnight.

@Lucia212 maybe your mum really struggled with young children and she might offer to look after them when they are older. Be a grown up and have a conversation with her instead of complaining and acting entitled about it on here.

I don’t think you’re entitled either.

My parents had a lot of help from both my grandmothers but particularly my maternal grandmother.

This included 3 week holidays away with my dad, copious weekends away, babysitting in the evening and picking us up from school.

As time went on and we got older she found this quite taxing and was quite irritable towards me & my brother. This was actually okay as my mother was harsh and my father distant.

She obviously did this out of love for my parents.

I wasn’t expecting or would have wanted this level of support from my mother when I had kids, however we received a lot less. She had my son to stay the night once during his childhood. She died when my son was 17. She never had my daughters stay unless I was with them.

when I asked for help once for a milestone birthday she said “Listen, I’m not that kind of grandma” which still upsets me to think about!

Like a PP said my children didn’t mourn the passing of my parents.

When she became ill and was a widow she asked me and the kids to move in with her as she was lonely. I could only stare blankly at her. I did provide her with support during the last 3 years of her life but I did feel resentful and didn’t enjoy it. I think because they resented having to help me on the occasions they did and like your mum she’d become very anxious.

My partners parents lived over 100 miles away. My brother received less help with his children than I did however his wife’s parents were a lot more involved.

I’m not a grandma yet however my daughter’s good friend had a baby at the age of 17, and I’ve looked after him twice overnight so her and my daughter could go out and paint the town red. The baby is 7 months old.

In my eyes it takes a village…… and I’ll always be there to help if I can.

All this nonsense about being "entitled" because you expect your mother to actually care about your struggles with your kids is silly. That's what family is for. Though your mother does not owe you childcare, it is selfish for her to never help at all. You have a right to feel badly about that and wish she was more involved. You aren't demanding she do it, you're just wishing she cared.
So ignore the "entitled" crap. People on the Internet seem to love to sling that word at others on little to no grounds. They see others doing it and start to pile on. It's a sort of mass hysteria that happens on some threads. I've seen it so many times and it's always puzzling.

It's obviously hurtful that your mother avoids your kids and shows no concern for what you're going through.
To borrow that much overused word, you are fully entitled to feel hurt by that. Equally, your mother is entitled to her feelings, but is not entitled to see her grandkids since she shows almost no interest in them.

I'll tell you a story about what a truly entitled daughter looks like. A married mother of two wanted her mother (who was nearing 60 and not well) to travel ten hours to visit her and the grandkids. Daughter refused to ever be the one to make the trip herself. The grandma did it whenever possible, but then the daughter demanded it after grandma had injured her back and could barely walk. When she was informed of this inability, she went psycho, flipped out, ghosted her mother and started telling other relatives lies about her and putting her down, presumably out of spite because grandma dared to say no. Grandma has never seen or heard from her or her grandchildren since. Not even a phone call or a text. She's quite ill, probably won't live very long and the daughter seemingly couldn't care less, refuses to even try to resolve the situation. Now that's what entitled is. You, otoh, are not being entitled.

No, sorry OP, you still sound incredibly entitled. They are YOUR kids. And you have an OH. Nothing to stop you tag-teaming. One looks after the DCs while the other takes a break.

Your mum has already done her child raising.

I'm a single mum, very little involvement from ex, and none of the grandparents are still with us.

I work full time, and have looked after my ds, 350 nights a year for the last 16 years. I chose to have DS. Every school run, every illness, every homework, every weekend. My responsibility. My pleasure. 🙂

😅😅😅😅

And who is looking after your child the other 15.25 nights?

Comparison is the thief of joy. What jumps out at me is your mum sounds very anxious and although you can identify it, I don’t think you understand how it affects her.

I am a single parent (DD’s father is absent and didn’t pay maintenance for 12 of her 17 years) and I never had any support from family either. I remember falling down the stairs and three year old DD grabbing a pillow and sleeping next to me at the bottom of the stairs. I’m very much a heads down and get on with it type but I realised for DD’s sake I needed to cultivate a network and I did.

Having young children is rough and when I was young I was raised by my single mother’s village (network of family and friends) and we as kids were expected to be self sufficient from a young age. I remember her leaving very very early in the morning or later in the evening to do one of her jobs. We were lucky to have one meal a day with her. All our washing was done at the laundromat and we never had a microwave. I had a very difficult relationship with my mother but fuck me, that woman never stopped, I shudder to think how she coped mentally and physically.

The reality is your mother doesn’t babysit, it is time you accepted this because until you do you, the bitterness will stop you from being creative about how to create more space in your life for you and your relationship. Reciprocal babysitting with friends and family other than your Mother. Forgo a takeaway or two to pay for a babysitter for two evenings a month, tag team with your H so that one of you has a kids free evening or day.

Get creative and accept that the younger years with kids is very much about survival.

What goes around comes around.
As she ages she might need care and support, you’d be within your rights to take a similarly hands off approach.

I think people are being harsh OP. I can’t think of one person in my life who doesn’t have some family support with their children.

i know my mum and MIL love spending time with my DC but they also see helping me and DH out as a continuation of their motherly role to us. We are still their children and if they see us struggling to balance things their maternal instinct to US kicks in and they help us. I can see that if your mum isn’t doing that, it would be painful.

I don’t take it for granted by the way, I’m so grateful to them, and it does feel good to still be nurtured by them, even as an adult.

could you tap in to other help? What about your MIL? Or your DB and SIL? Would they ever be up for swapping childcare??

They are your dc, both your dh and your dh responsibility. It's not on your mum to give you a break because you had dc. I have 3 I don't get a break they are my responsibility.

I get it (the only time my mum ever tried to change a nappy of her grandchildren was a performative act at a wedding anniversary celebration, 3GC and 7 years into grand parenthood.). It hurts. It will (I’m sorry) only get worse as you see the gulf between families who have folk to rely on (whether for regular or occasional childcare) and the difference it makes to the quality of relationships. I genuinely think there’s more of a gap between families with family support and those going solo, than between working and SAHP. When you realise during the school years that child x always has grandad come to watch his performance so that mum and dad don’t sacrifice another precious half day annual leave, for example, as well as the more obvious nights off/childcare cost savings.

Book date days with your husband. Find friends you can child swap with. Revel in it being crap. My eldest is nearly old enough to babysit the youngest (which I would pay for).

don’t have a third child. Too late for me.

you’re not unreasonable wishing your mum would help you out. It’s entirely reasonable to wish your mum was that granny who loved having the kids to sleep over one night a week or loved taking them out. Yes she might want her own time now, but that’s the same for many grandparents and it’s a shame she doesn’t want to be closer to them. If she complains to you again about SIL mum being more involved I’d say well that’s because she has them every week etc. I’ve been parenting for 31yrs now thanks to my huge age gap between 1&2 but I’ll still want to help out and build a close relationship with my grandchildren. Unfortunately I don’t think there’s anything you can do to change her.

Is nice to have some help, even better when that help is offered and grandparents make a nice a rich relationship with their grandkids possible because they want the grandkids to be part of their lifes, unfortunately you can do nothing. If she doesn't want to do it you can't force her to do it.

She sounds very anxious to me! If she acts so anxious when you guys are around e.g. at gatherings and parties etc can you imagine what she'd be like and how she'd feel if she was on her own with the kids. You'll probably find she will help out more once the kids are older and more self sufficient (and less likely to encounter danger) how old are your brothers kids?

Yeah I can sympathise.

With my first two dd my parents (lived 15 minutes away) literally never helped but luckily mil and fil were fantastic and helped loads. But when we split obviously all that help went to exdh. (Who only had them eow) so I was a single parent with no support.

When I had ds with (new) dh my parents were exactly the same and unfortunately his parents were same! I figured they maybe weren't into kids too much until their dd gave birth to their dgd then they became the grandparents to her I wished for, for my son.

It does get easier as they get older but yes the odd break would be lovely.

Also to add, try not to take it personally! It doesn't sound like it's personal to you or your kids but more about her and how she feels...I work in mental health and it sounds like it's rooted in anxiety although I could be wrong!!

I'd be shutting down any whinging about SILs mum being more involved when she is choosing not to be. That's not your problem.

I get where she is coming from as someone who is also raising children without any extended family helping, I think I will want to spend my later years doing different things and not being tied to a childcare schedule. It's shitty if you make loads of promises and then don't do it but I don't think it's wrong to be upfront about this.

Agree with PP, she sounds very anxious and that looking after children alone would make this worse.

I'm sorry to hear this, and to read so many nasty responses.

For what it's worth, you obviously already know that she can choose not to help. But she isn't entitled to nag you, criticise your parenting or be upset at you if your MILis more involved with your DC.

I think you need to put her out of your mind as an option for help and look elsewhere. It's hard, tho people obviously get thru somehow and you will too.

Personally, I've never really understood why people choose to do this, but you all have your reasons. Good luck.

I think I'd be blunt if she starts moaning about feeling left out by asking what she expects. If she doesn't see much of the kids then she's not going to have much a relationship with them. And the fussing at events? Start saying, 'They're fine,' and walk away if it gets too much.

Have you ever asked your in-laws if they'd have the kids overnight?